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Monday, February 23rd, 2004
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9:43 pm
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And as if breaking my heart and destorying the last happiness I ever had was not enough... torture me with a piece of shit note of being unloved and without my friendship. How low could you possibly go. You did not even have enough guts to tell me. My gosh how hard is it for you to just talk to me. Just leave me there on my doorstep with a note of how horrible you feel and how i do not care. Like you fucking know. You know nothing. You think this journal lets you in on all of my feelings about this shit? It most certainly does not. I cannot believe this. Leave me there. Stir up all of these damn emotions I have still left inside of my itty bruise heart. What? Do you want me to kill myself, because you are doing the best job at making me feel so horrible and sad and completly unhappy. Seriously I am just tired of crying. What do you expect me to do? You do not talk to me for days and just bounce on me like everything is fine. The unresolved issues we had during that hell are still within me. Afraid. Thats all i get from you. "I'm afraid. I was afraid to come over and cried." what the hell are you afraid of? As if i could hate you when you say something. You have said nothing to me for the entire month and I hate you. Such shittiness you have done to me. You are just so selfish. Have you ever thought about how all of this made me feel? How you ever considered for a fact that I did love you and what you did sent me through a loop.
Yes, i am being a person that says one thing and does another. Until you learn to be a human being, I reverse to let you even be near me. Because, you are killing me. I am dying. And you will not stop. You have yet to come over to have our talk. That shows exactly how much you care about the situation. I am tired of the excuses of being afraid and am tired of your carelessness. Get over your deal and your pietiful excuses.
Sadly enough I do care. Hopefully you will just kill me and end this stupid shit.
current mood:  crappy
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4:18 pm
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hee hee hee. My hair is now a new shade of perhaps... redish purplish brown. It was a boo boo. Somehow the blonde in my hair tangled with the Mohagany die and turned my hair a different color than what was on the box. I rather like it. I didn't want redish though... some many people have it. Now i have DRY HAIR! yes. I have a new hair cut too. I told the lady to just cut it real short... about an inch would be left... because i was trying to get rid of the blonde. THen she was like, hey can i bounce it off you or tell you? Yes, this was a very puzzling moment and i gave her my ... please stop it hurts my brain look. She said.. I have an idea, you want to be surprised or want me to tell you. I thought for awhile and said surprise me. I rather like this too. She did a better job than my imagination would have. It took me months to figure out what i wanted to do and all i could come up with was short short short inch long hair. Obviously hair ladies do infact know what they are doing. Or perhaps anyone who eats chick-fil-a does indeed rawk the hair cutting socks. lol.
Unfortunatly i saw someone i did not want to see my hair. Like the great personal secret that my hair is... i did not wish for them to be in on it. They should go die now. That just pissing me off. Its like they came just for the cake at the party. Not a gift or anything. Just lies and a messy plate to clean up at the end. Yes, I see how much you are my friend. Better yet... i enjoy not seeing how much you are my friend. Perhaps the worst friend i ever had. And don't worry, I'm not waiting for you to come over anymore and I'm not worrying how you feel. Perhaps I should be an asshole, being nice never got me too far. Of course realizing that I was a nice person and far better than your horrible ass did infact make me leave you once and for all. You are just a horrible person to me. You do not deserve to see me hair. No.
BAD.
current mood:  dorky
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| Wednesday, February 18th, 2004
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7:34 pm
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My mood has become increasingly insane and scarier than ever before this week. I think it is Kassie's sexy german chocolate candy bars embedded with peanut butter inside. Hmm. I ate 2 yesturday and 1 today. I am becoming such a fat cow. I told her... You're making my ass fat! lol. Really though... i think they are. I never realized I'm so funny. Mr. art teacher man said I should be a comedian and I could talk about my days in art class. Today he tried to tell me that my scarf was not yellow and white, but was baige (sp) and white. I fought. That dumbass boy that once looked like Jordan from NFG... Kyle... said, as if i wasn't there, Why would you fight with the art teacher over colors. No he wasn't addressing me... he was talking to that other asshole Alex. Those assholes. I would like to hit them with my pirate-ish penguin.
Yes! My pirate penguin is actaully in the making. WEEEEEE! It has arms and shoes and a body and a tail. Oh it is so wonderful and newspaperish.
So yeah... I'm going to "try out" for SIA. That frightens me. I must find 10 pieces of artwork and only 1 can be a cartoon and apparently everything i draw is a cartoon, so why should i go try to be in SIA if i'm such a non-artist for only drawing cartoons. This concludes....... i can never major in art because... i seem to be a cartoonist. Does that mean that my favorite faerie artist isn't an actual artist because she draws cartoonish stuff. OH MY LIFE IS RUINED! Now i must learn to be good at math so i can be a building designer. So cartoons aren't art? How tragic. That means that Johnen isn't an artist. Oh but i surely think so. EVERYTHING IS ART. It must be. I remember in 6th grade the teacher told us that the world could not exist without art because nature was art. I would never forget that. Thats why i'm so weird. lol.
I know an assholic bum! And it just happens someone, like me, should hit them with a big yellow cheese bus. hee hee.
I could not be any more happier than I am now! Except that cheap ass thin crust pizza did make me a little sad... and leave me hungry.
Love you all. Kissy kissies
By the way my tv has been out of service for the last 2 days. My gosh, I think this eccentric behavior is caused be it. Oh my.
current mood:  creative
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| Thursday, February 12th, 2004
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4:48 pm
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You are by far the most horrible piece of shit person I know. You asshole.
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| Saturday, February 7th, 2004
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8:48 pm
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Yes I have missed four days of schools simply because I'm going insane and have bad allergy problems at the moment. Yes I know... that is a wimpish thing to just stay out of school for 4 days for, but lets remember how much i hate it. Tons of makeup work and things to learn fastly... oh well. I need another break, perhaps I will just get cancer and die and get it over with. Of course that is how i will most likely die. Cancer. Skin cancer. Just because it runs on my family and I already had precancerous cells. My moles and my light frecklish skin... all signs of my unavoidable death. Ever since I got checked out for that stuff last year... about this time... I'm never been the same in the way I feel about life. Now... I'm just waiting to die. I don't have to do suicide... my body is killing itself just fine thank you.
Yeah, lets just start this entry with perhaps the most depression intro. Indeed.
I'm really not depressed as that seemed to be. Sometimes it does fell like I gave up hope on life and just stopped living it. Sometimes i just go watch tv mindlessly and fall asleep. I'm unmotivated. Uninspired. I feel like a good charlotte song. lol. I need to find a reason to just get up and go change this laziness. I'm unhappy and only I can fix that. How exactly do I. Maybe I should just eat broccoli. That is a lovely food. I had some today. It was very green. I'm fighting school. It just drains me so much. It stresses me out. I haven't drawn a picture in so long. I haven't written any stories or love sick poems or poems of rage. I feel out there. Maybe the tv did it. OR the microwave... I have been using it a lot when heating my thing i can't spell. Hm.
My brain is about to bust. I should go now. AND everyone really pisses me off. but occasionally i love you all.
current mood: crappy
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| Monday, February 2nd, 2004
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3:07 pm - You make my buttons jiggle
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I must say something rather silly before I go on....
I'm feeling rather heterosexual today.
Yes, I finally saw Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. Thank GOSH for Kim. We made a little date out of it. I have recently found out that I have developed some sort of crush on Frodo. lol. I have no idea what is wrong with me at this point... but i just gave up trying to figure it out. It could be Frodo's relationship with sam that was just so adorable and made me cry... aw I cried at the movies... that I have just found myself adoring him. I was not so fasinated with the elf this time. I was more cheering for the cute little hobbits. They all just rawk so much. I enjoyed that movie very much. It was nice. I think because the ending took so long and there was just so much going on I was so thrilled. So many unexpected turns. My head was spinning. I'm happy i went to see it.
Yea, that was saturday. i spent the entire day, from 2pm to 12:30am, with kim and i managed not to kill her or any random people. I got dressed up in some very odd looking clothes and wore makeup. I just felt excited. We went to the mall and i bought some clothes, which i returned later on... well mother is going to today when she gets off work. We stayed til about 5 and then after we went into every store we left for applebees. That was so very nice food. Hee hee. Awesomeness. Then at about 6 we left for our 8:40 show of lord of the rings. We mostly stayed in the book store... where i was followed and stared about by some boy in tight jeans who later sat beside me in the theather. Scarey... i know. He was coping my um... body movements in the theather. yea... don't ask. Kim almost fell asleep on me during the movie, she saw it already. I played with my glitter i bought from the dollar day store before the movie and made a mess. lol. I bought jessica's birthday present and stuff to make kaitlin's special valentines day present. Watch is explode. lol.
Back to the rather feeling of heterosexualness. lol. I developed not only a strange crush on frodo, but this boy in my english class and then this random short black haired zitty boy. I think i crush on dirty boys. I haven't felt this strange in a long while. Its like having a sugar rush and of course, when will i come spirling down to a explosive crash? Hm. I always get this way during a certain time of the year... and it just happens to be ground hog day... lol. Groundhog day makes me horny. lol. HA HA HA oh gosh. I'm such a mess.
Helen now sits beside me in math, she is so very distracting because she does funny things and i see them and i must laugh.
I got rid of all of my shirts that have yellow armpit stains underneath them. That was a lot of shirts. I'm sad.
FRODO!!!!! That sexy hobbit beast, my gosh! OOOooOOooo.
current mood:  crazy
current music: My butt has a slight pinch
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| Monday, January 26th, 2004
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9:57 pm
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You are blessed with FAERY wings. Beauty,
laughter, life, magic...that's what you are all
about. You are refreshingly innocent and happy
with your life of purity and play. Life's a
game and it's a good one. In your eyes there's
no way to lose! You can be very mischeivous and
have been known to cause trouble, but it's all
in the name of fun and not meant to really harm
anyone. You like to play tricks on people who
aren't quite as bright or clever as you - which
is almost everyone. Nature is the setting you
prefer to be in - Always. Barefoot and wild you
can't be tamed. You're probably a restless
spirit who loves to travel, and quite a
dreamer. Your creativity is astounding and your
art (of whatever media - from writing to
painting to drama) is like something from
another world - ethereal and often very
fantasy-oriented. You can either be a social
butterfly or a loner with their head in the
clouds - but rarely inbetween. You stubbornly
refuse to accept responsibility or to give in
to the wishes of others - unless you feel like
it. You have a strong passion for music and
can't imagine life without it. You'll grow up
someday, but you'll always be a child at heart.
You are adventurous and love to take risks, and
feel a deep connection with the weather,
plants, and animals. You prefer sunshine to
thunder or snow, the warmth of summer to
autumn's chill, and quiet forests to suburban
backyards. Magic through and through, you are
far more powerful than you seem, and are
capable of being extremely passionate. Though
you can be childish, naive, stubborn, and
self-absorbed, one thing is certain - life with
you will never be boring!
*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla
This quiz knows me a little too well. Naive. Childish. Stubborn. Self-absorbed. Refusing to accept responsiblity. Music. My gosh. This quiz stalks me. But its official. I am of the faerie relam.
I crunch, crunch, crunch through this icey winter snow. Where did I disappear to?
Crawl through my foot steps.
Uncover my secrets.
Find me and I'll give you a kiss.
current mood:  artistic
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| Saturday, January 24th, 2004
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8:14 pm - pushing in the pin
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I must say that Exam week completely sucked ass... except for the spanish exam which was easy and insulted my stupidity.
We got the fever to tell. Uh huh. OOooOoOOo. I drove over a big bridge today. My mother has some fear of me driving over them. I sort of find them to be like roads, except, of course, over water. I must say again that I saw the most interesting and fasinating person in the new walmart. She was very tall with a dark complexion with her long black hair hidden under a red bandana. She was wearing a man's gray dress coat with a t-shirt cut out of the clash on the back and had awesome pants that were not too baggy or white trashy or even ugly. they were just perfect. Such a sense of style and awesome beauty. Hee hee. I was giddy.
walmart still had northern state
I shall say this and say in most honesty... Panties are not suppose to go up your ass. I'm not talking about thongs. I swear my butt is very sad. thats it. I'm free balling from now on. I like to wear skirts. that should be fun. lol.
I realized something. I'm a little more undiscret with some of the things i talk about on this journal and in person with my friends. That is what gets me those... oh gosh, you're weird... and... whats wrong with you looks. When i was in 8th or 7th grade i confessed to letisha that i wanted to be a sex-ed teacher. Of course with the way that bush whats sex-ed to be taught i wouldn't enjoy teaching the childern gross, fasinating facts. Ok... maybe i should have thought about being those weird people on hbo on thrusday that teach sex classes... of course with my lack of experience with sex that could be an issue. Really i have no idea why i thought i would want to do that when i was a little kid in middle school. I just liked learning about the human body. It's interesting.
I have zits all over my forehead. One is purple and the other one is white and everyone else is red and sore. I think i'm stressing. School gives me zits. Basturds.
Love you all!
current mood: creative
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| Wednesday, January 21st, 2004
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6:41 pm
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Exams are fun and suchness. After exams today, kim, erin, megan, and I went to the mall to eat with some other people and i saw mommy. Then we went on the search for the childerns muesuem in portsmouth... that was awesome. We got lost coming home.. we ended up in virginia beach. hee hee. yeah fun fun. I love us.
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| Sunday, January 18th, 2004
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10:18 pm - We're all gonna burn in hell
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They don't love you like I do.
They don't love you like I do.
Must Karen O. bewitch me with these sad words that somehow seem so airy and cause me to exhale my broken heart? Oh if she must. They make me feel like crying, because... they don't love you like I do. Oh no no.
So valentines day is coming up soon. Last Feb. 14th I brought my journal to class and poems and writings of how i find myself useless and how i shouldn't be breathing in this world splattered out. I always act happy when the day rolls around. I hand out cards with hearts and lord of the rings characters on them with candy kisses and laugh and giggle when people give me strange looks when i ask them if they want a kiss. And of course that morning on the bus i sang "Do your feet hurt"... a song i can never listen to without feeling horrible and like dying and running around crazy and suchness. Word of advice... never sing your favorite punk love song to anyone you find yourself involved with... you will never be able to think happily about it again. I shall never sing to anyone again for that matter. All because of HER. Unfortunatly HER. I'm getting over this... slowly and painfully. It is just taking too much time to get over this hump like bump (lol) to stop obsessing over her. Even though i claimed to find nothing special and found her rather replusive the other day at school... it never ends. Sadly... i do know the taste of a never ending ache. I think... this valentines day... will suck. The sooner all of these "loving" holidays are over, the better. BUT it will be so much fun. I shall make valentines for my friends! Even though that will not fill the void, the hole, the piece of my pie she forcibly stole and ate then vomited up because it tasted like shit. It be easier if she did give up on our friendship instead of telling me she misses me. Oh god i miss her too, but does it matter? I can't have a day in my thoughts to myself. I guess i am cursed. I am cursed. Does that make you happy? Are you happy now? Even without a trace of you, you still disrupt my life. You torture me with every minute you're not here. I don't want a hug. I want you, but your such a mess. Apparently my rehab hasn't help. Jessica said I'll get over you with time, but my gosh WHEN DOES IT END?!?!?? I think its harder because she was actually a friend before that "stuff". She's not some nobody i can just toss aside after one date and avoid. Addictive is the sight of HER.
I saw mona lisa smile. I liked it. It made me laugh. cute girls. Kim likes cute boys though... thats why she wants to see that hockey movie. lol. The preview of the hockey movie came on and said i..." ew hockey"... said she..."yeah, but cute boys." I sometimes forget the rest of the world is straight. But that was a good movie though. It made me realize something... as of course everything i see or read makes me come to some conclusion of some sort. As julia roberts was sitting near the edge of the pond like substance after founding out that the man who taught italian in the school who she was now sleeping with did not go to europe during the war to learn italian, that dude came up to her. She confronted him and he revealed that no, he just spoke the language and people just assumed that thats where he went. She was like... why didn't you tell me? He was like... becuase you're so prefect. It would make me feel uncomfortable, stupid, flawful, false, a fake, a phony, unintelligent.... ok so he actually said you're intemidating with your all mighty prefection and you got it going on and you don't lie like an asshole like me who sleeps with students. I shall refrain from saying how this accounts to my life in any way. But the movie, that hurt to get that somewhat realization that people don't tell the whole truth to people that don't lie. they act ashamed... and they should be ashamed.... making up some excuse to why you can just lie and keep the truth hidden to make you seem more important than you actually are. Some sort of drama you wish to create you attention straving child?
This is why i must watch loads of tv and internet surfing... so my brain stops thinking on its own accord. I think too much. Why is this? Why must I think? More importantly why must I feel? Why must i have wants i need to have fulfilled? And why... couldn't I have been a mongoose? Why?
Dressy Bessy was in a magizine. Everyone hates GC, but everyone wants to fuck Benji. I saw bitch and animal. I learned how to sing on the streets. That Simple Plan boy so stole my pink eye shadow. Duos are not trendy. I'm walking on a thin line. Someone is sexy.
I'd kiss you, but I'd have to kill you.
current mood: Like a ball of thunder
current music: yeah yeah yeahs - y control
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12:24 pm - Boy you just a stupid bitch and Girl you just a no good dick
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AHHHHH! I have bought my yeah yeah yeahs cd! Everytime her mouth opens to spill some sexual lyric or naughty sound it is like an orgasm and i cannot help but have convulsions and sweat. Theres so much energy in the songs, simple emotions of killing and wanting to have sex, and lyrics that are juicey. Oooo. She is just so awesome. Not to mention that their album art is the best i've ever witnessed... its so odd and yummy. The guitar man plays a mean guitar too. Clearly... this must be my favorite new band. Karen O. is my valentine. wee.
BOOM!
current mood: I'm gonna set you off
current music: yeah yeah yeahs - pin
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| Friday, January 16th, 2004
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11:00 pm - May demons fly up your ass
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Hmm.... no... no I don't care. In the secret thoughts of my mind I pictured her flawless, lovely, beautiful.... but that was all just shit, an idealistic, and false illusion. I missed her so and thought.... oh god I'm so lonely without her...oh god i love her... oh god why'd i leave... oh god make her notice me once more.... oh god i need her, i just cannot live without her... oh god let me kiss her. I was in love with the way i drew her and painted her within my mind. Just like the first time i realized i really liked her at the mall, where i couldn't breath and my knees buckled, I realized I don't really like her when i saw her at school. When i saw her, every feeling i had during that tormented time of loving her was released and burned into ash. So i think i did unfortunatly lose a friend. If thats the case, then its her loss. I tried to keep the friendship, but prehaps the friendship was sucky to begin with. Yes, I would like to blame this on her. As we all know, my forgiving nature doesn't believe so... but for the moment... it is all so very much her fault and i would like to just beat her.
So prehaps the pressures of exam week just blows every little conflict out of the water. Indeed, I've never felt this mad before and never expressed it this way without crying and thinking myself pathetic for not having a friend or for losing someone dear to me. Gosh. You know, this is so stupid. What is wrong with people these days? Whatever. Everyone can just so fuck themselves. Just crumble every friendship and piss all over it. Count on no one and no one will let you down. For the moment it's so true. That was just the shittiest thing someone has ever done. People are so hateful and unrespectful and unkind. ... Assholes... people are assholes. selfish assholes. Whatever. Goodnight.
current mood: aggravated
current music: Yeah yeah yeahs - Miles away
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| Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
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9:19 pm - In the valley I will sit and ponder why
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I must say this... I really don't like Brand New. Not that i hate them but i think they sound bad. But of course I have no taste.
My little fingers are still shaking. I seemed to have played the guitar a little obsessively tonight and terribly fast. I really have nothing to say... but i feel as if i do. Something is wanting to brust from within me. Perhaps it is an alien lifeform OR perhaps some sort of love child that developes in the contents of my belly. It shall be my Valentine. If i have a child, i wish to name it that. It sounds so pretty. My dear sweet Valentine. Sometimes I wish I had someone to call my valentine or even my sweetheart. I don't know if it is just the winter depression or whatever... but i feel more and more unhappy and in a state of hopelessness. At the point of tears thinking I'll be a failure forever and a day. I really can never be mad at anyone, because I'm so mad at myself. I always get this way in the winter. Winter really is not the greatest season around just for the fact that it causes me to be so sad, among other things. I shouldn't be sad though. Really. Nothing is ever to the point of decay and if it is other lifeforms grow from it. As the spanish teacher said... "in life there are peaks and valleys. And nothing grows on the top of peaks, it all grows in the valley." I rather liked that. You grow when you are at your lowest points in life. Hm.
I don't really want to say whats wrong. Its like if i ignore it, it doesn't exist. I'm just sad, fearful of the future, lost, unhappy, and failing at my life. All I can say is... i believe in what the "gender-bending" lesbian said on the sundance channel... "caring for someone is embarassing". I wish I was stone. I wish I was dead. I wish I did not care. I wish for once in my life, something went right. I wish I could control my fate. I wish I never was. I wish I would just forget. I hope I die soon.
current mood:  scared
current music: Alkaline Trio - This Could Be Love
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| Monday, January 12th, 2004
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5:10 pm - WOW! Look y at what i found! My roach story from last year!
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“The Roach”
By Elizabeth Raines
“kirk”
This is a horrible screwed up story about those critters in my school that eat toes and other various objects unsuspectingly lying carelessly around, yes I mean roaches!!! Well, I went to the potty room during lunch and little did I know this potty break would leave me terrified and slightly not sane afterwards. I walked in the potty room without a care in the world… except for that weird sound the door made, kind of like the potty room was telling me to run while I was still somewhat safe. I made my way across the squared tiled blue floor with strange white spots that resembled sickly snowflakes and I innocently walked in the potty stall that was secretly marked as hell. I closed the door and noticed something not natural in the potty room environment. It was dim in the stall –another sign that was telling me that I was to be mentally traumatized in this potty stall of torture- and I couldn’t quite make out anything noticeable about this “unnatural” thing. I stumped my foot on the tiled floor causing the awful thing to move, not panicky moving but just simply moving and then stopping. I thought it was just this huge black fly that was mutated by none other than the super natural powers stored in the “food” that was served in the infested school. I stumped my foot again, but this time the cursed thing moved toward me and stopped about 10 tiny squared tiles away from the end of my skirt. The light shown down on the horrible little monster, making it easier to make out the fact that it wasn’t a giant mutated fly, but a roach. A nasty potty roach with nothing better to do than to bother me. It was sitting there, peering at me with its small squinty black bug eyes. Maybe it was waiting for the right moment to attack me with its little claw-like roachy hands of death. When I realized what was locked in the stall with me, I quickly backed up to the shut stall door in utter shock. I kept my terrified eyes on it, in case it made any sudden movements… I was ready… ready to bust down that door and scream bloody murder. I reached down to the lock and unsuccessfully tried to unlock to door that kept me in there to be doomed. I made a decision; I turned around and unlocked the stall door. I pulled it open, trembling, hoping that when my back was turned, it wasn’t going to attack me with its super roach powers, and walked ever so quickly out the warning potty room door. I can no longer go into a potty room without having that odd feeling that there’s a roach in the room that’s out for blood.
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4:46 pm - Indeed you were my first real heart ache
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Monday Monday Monday. I started the lovely school day by falling asleep at 4 am and waking up at a fresh 5:30am. I was surely high today. I think I just had the best day of my life. I laughed so much today and i bounced everywhere. It was if i was some sort of magical pixie twirling around in an endless field of opium. lol. Obviously, the affects of no sleep have made me crazy, but thats ok. eh? I wore many colors today... my knee high socks were green, my sweater was burgandy, my mittins were pink, my skirt was tan, my scarf was orange, my coat was black, and my hair is blonde. Something about many colors upon me just makes me happy. I would die without color really. It is what inspires me into happiness. It is what drives me into pixie twirls. I do look like a carrot. I'm a carrot and mr. ward wants to rape my hair. The art teacher is getting on my nerves though. He is just driving me crazy. Must he always yell at me throughout the entire class period. I don't know why i have to explain my projects to him and he doesn't even undestand it when i explain it to him. He's such a silly man. Spanish.............. poooo on you.
By the way i think my music limits my vocabulary. I don't know if the endless girl fronted bands are bad or not... or maybe i'm just retarded and no one ever bother to explain it to me... but i really don't write or explain things as otheres do. How can one person be so odd? Hmmm.
I went to the mall with Kim after school and we went into the exotic panty store in Patrick Henry... i must admit, i rather like it. SO many lacy and frilly things and pinks and see throughs. lol. Garder belts... my new obsession. I shall indeed be a pin-up girl. lol.... with small breast and big hips. Poo. really though, i rather like the idea of being a pinup girl OR perhaps my brain has been warped and i secretly strive to be a prostitute. Hmm. Well... hm.... lets sleep on this. really though... i don't think sex constantly can be so wonderful. Yuck.
current mood: crazy
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| Thursday, January 8th, 2004
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5:32 pm - You can call it love, but its more like a curse
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I wish I could forget this all
Everything is such a mess
I'm in love with you
Its just that simple
But everytime I say it
I want to throw up
Its such a sick love, a dying love, a love worth killing yourself over for because it sucks so much
You'd think i'd be over this by now
But like some bewitched fool
I'm cursed to only love you more
I know I've been warned
I know of the side-affects... Sorrow, Jealousy, insanity, depression, death...
But I just take more and more of you
Until eventually i overdose and slip into the safe arms of Death
Only in death can i forget you
Only in death can i finally be free
current mood:  cranky
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| Tuesday, January 6th, 2004
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3:15 pm - olleh ym eman si htebazile
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Esoognom... mongoose backwards. Yes, the "seductive laugage" of the internet and spanish project is calling my name yet again. I want to go to the library to research... i feel so alone and isolated within this little room in my little blue house. I really do distaste being within the same place so long. ew. yuck. sick.
Why is mtv moving on my brassy music. Oh why oh why must they out that awesome hip hop rawk song to the real world. NO. No, its ok. Really. Only if mtv played the video instead of all that other crap they play repeatly... it would be ok.
Yesturday, after running on about 2 hours of sleep I went to school, came home, and slept all day except to eat dinner and go car driving with mommy because she cannot go anywhere by herself and my father does not travel with her. I was so sad to wake up and having my father to yell at me to go with my mother to pick up her car tags. Does it really matter if i go. I always get in trouble... because when i'm tired i'm pissy as hell. The car was full of my smart ass comments that night and of course my feet are all on the windshield. One can never be too comfortable in a car. NEVER!
Oh, wait, right after school i had to go to the... orthodontist. He was nice. He said my teeth were gorious. lol. I enjoy fun people. I never had a fun doctor type thing. Yes, my father said i was all laughing and giggling. You know... when i meet happy people i tend to be happy to be in their company... duh... you know thats why you never see me happy because you're an asshole. Hee hee. Yes, next monday i shall be getting wonderful pinup pictures of my teeth and rubber bands on my molars that shall feel like chicken bones in my teeth. Yes, I'm going to die. If you haven't caught on... I'm getting braces in 2 weeks. Yes... here i am old as shit... 17... and getting braces in the middle of a school year. Whose bright idea was that? lol. BLAH!!!!!! He is a cute dude though and nice. Nice people just rawk my world!!! weeeeeeee.
Tuesday is the day that today just happens to be. I went to school and Jessica was not there and the day before that Kaitlin was not there. OH MY! Bitches... lol. Kaitlin was there today and we gave each other mean glares at spanish class. OOooo espanol. I'm taking german next year... because i enjoy the way it is not spanish. weeee.
My grandmother wants a vibrater. She said she'd get me one too. Lol. Yes. Hopefully its a vibrater that busses new found glory songs. I can say "NEW FOUND GLORY WAS IN ME!" lol. Right kailtlin!? lol. That was an awesome conversation. But i really want one. I'm a vibrating fiend. rawr. I told my nanny to make sure it was pretty and she said... oh yea, it must be pretty. Of course my mom was in the car yelling... oh my gosh, she's gonna tear up her virgina mom, don't give her that GOSH. Yeah... lol. I'm going to stop. I enjoy all conversation discussing vibraters... they're so funny. lol. Oh my... what the hell is wrong with me? really now? lol.
Mr. Ward needs to stop touching my hair. That bastard of an art teacher. He is infatuated with it. It is because he is bald... clearly.
Goodnight sesoggnom! evol uoy lla! I'm a dork sorry. Love ya!
current mood: Happy enough to say ESOOGNOM!
current music: Fabulous Disaster
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| Sunday, January 4th, 2004
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5:05 pm
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If you all must know... i shall be taking a little break from tha old internet. It's too distracting. Yes, I am running away from technology and embracing my amish-ness. I'll be on to comment here and there and say hola, but other than that no more. I wish to live my life and finish school with decent grades so i can go to ANOTHER school and hopefully get a more on.
I'm going to hawaii againg during my next break... spring break, i think... Fun fun. And then I'll run away and live in the parks of hawaii eating left over pineapple bread and such things since people are wasteful. But shhh.
School starts up again tomorrow. I really hope it blows up.
Love
current mood: angry
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| Thursday, January 1st, 2004
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6:08 pm - Indeed it is 2004
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Oh yes, it is a new year. Indeed it is. New years eve was actually enjoyable. I spent the afternoon with Michelle at the mall as we met with this one girl and her big man friend that were both friends of the little sara. I got to listen to many conversations about ciggies, pot, drinking, piercing, and of course... sex. Oh michelle is as messed up as the rest of them...
Here is a story or THE story...
Michelle liked jason and he lived with her because his parents kicked him out. Yes, that was very nice. They went out, they broke up, they went out, they had sex, he stole things for her, they broke up. Then Michelle slept with his best friend. He left a dirty message upon her cell phone calling her a dirty slut and hoped she would die and such things. Michelle has many cuts on her wrist. She wants to die. Jason went straight edge. Michelle wants to kill him. I personally think perhaps michelle brought this upon herself because she cheats, because you don't just sleep with someone's best friend... to get back at them. Yes, she just wanted to make him hurt. Yes, michelle does do drugs and drink... why do you ask? oh. THE END.
The new people we met smoked outside. we got to talk to a janitor that works at the mall. Interesting stories she had to tell us. then we went inside. Michelle got invited to a party, she wanted me to come to bond. Pot, drinking, and dick oh my. I told her i was going to carmela's party. I did in fact want to go to the party with michelle. I was rather interested in seeing what was there. She said i didn't have to try anything... but i know if i went... i would. thats part of the reason i didn't go. Anyways, michelle would be driving, under whatever influence... road blocks everywhere... hey, maybe i should call and see if she's alright. oops. Also, i would have come home and my parents live there. lol. Uh huh. Maybe another time sista.
Yes, i went to Carmela's party with jennifer and brian there and the occasional appearance of tiffany and angel. I admit, i did not want to go at first. I was not sure if i could handle seeing her and brian together. I didn't know if i could take it... not having her constantly upon my arm. But i went and survived. At the little party I didn't really think of it. I did, but it did bother me. I saw her and brian together and it made me see more how much it couldn't have been. I had fun. I enjoyed my time. I ate many foot roll ups. I sang a song on the karoke machince... bootilicious and wherever, whenever. Her parents were surprised i could sing. Many secrets lie within me, as you see. lol. I was happy with my performance. Brian sang... but i sing better than he. lol. Jen and carmela danced tha ddr. lol. Then... it was almost 12. her mom poured tha wine coolers and we toasted as the ball fell. aw. then we went back for more and because carmela and brina kissed, i kissed jen's head. And then we all kissed each other. I was actually surprised that i thought of that. You always need your new years kiss. Then we poured another drink. this time, Her mom made mine hawaiin themed with pine apples and fruit stuck on an Umbrella!!!! It was tasty. then we went outside and tiff and angel were humping everyone... but not me. Oh wait... before that we walked to jen's house and drank some of her mom's mudslide and then some hard lemonade. Mmmm. Then everyone, but me got humped. It was rather funny. Jen put a Christmas tree in the porter potty. I hid under the boat and not i have bruises and scraps on my knee. I laughed a lot. My butt got groped, as everyone elses did. we all were rather insane. then me, brian, jen, and carmela sat on this thing and they talked. I bleched (sp). Apparently the 7 foot roll ups and fruity alcohol didn't mix well. I made some interesting sounds with my throat. Then it got cold. We went inside. Tiff and angel sing scarey. We all sang together... i sang YELLOW!! Then they played ddr more. then Final fantasy. Tried to lipstick brian when he fell asleep, but that didn't work. Stayed up all night. Went home at about 7, fell asleep, and woke up when mother came home at 3. FUN FUN.
It was actually fun. I'm glad i didn't skip out. I would have missed pillow fights and food. Carmela says it sucked, and i perhaps should have went with michelle. yes, because i'm such a pothead. *cough cough* It didn't suck and its just sad when you think your own party sucks. tist tist.
I learned things from the party and realized things too. Carmelas mom actually provided me with something i already knew about carmela and what my mom told me. She causes drama. Perhaps this is why i feel for jason with what michelle did. He said he loved her, but she was fucking him up and he had to break it off with her to start clean. I know exactly how that feels. I do. I've lived it. My friends do things that make me think sometimes... they are not very good people. I know they have problems and they are hurting. But they're being assholes. Instead of figuring out their problem and dealing with the pain and healing themselves... they go insane... they fuck people, smoke pot for days to forget about it, drink it away. well... those are all in michelle's case at the moment. For the moment and such, carmela seemed stable. It makes me wonder... why am i so attracted to drama? Yes, mr. kris roe from the atris, i ask myself that question too. My moms psyhcologist says we're attracted to people who cause drama. I don't know why exactly. I'm beginning to be scared with what type of friends i'm making. Most of them, cause no drama and don't go insane. we all have problems... but they're scaring me. Really people, the worlds people are frighting me. the last day of 2003 was an eye opener in a way. Perhaps everything i learned during that year just brust forth, like a summery of some sort and a chapter was added to my life. So to summerize last year....
It was the best times, it was the worst of times. lol. I had fun. I laughed. Made new friends, on internet and off. Fell in love. Cried. Traveled. Found my soul. realized a little bit of what i want to do with my life. Drank a little too much. Became so happy. Realized, i am not the straightest person you know. I just happen to like girls. Developed some sort of style on my own. Became a little less shy. Went insane. Became rather mellow. Started to know myself. I learned to smile. I learned I can do anything I want. I listened to music. Awesome orgasmic concerts. Wrote songs that sucked. Somehow developed a bit of high selfesteem. Learned some people aren't worth fighting. People just suck in general sometimes. Learned there are assholes everywhere. Been introduced to new and not so cool experiences. Realized... i should just be asexual. Found love in a friend and still a friend afterwards. Learned we all need to communicate a little better and not be such assholes to one another. The world is suffering and so are its people.
Weee... asshole. lol. When some girls who claimed they liked girls get boyfriends, they think liking girls is gross. Lesbian sex is hot, soorrry. Bitches. lol
Happy happy NEW YEAR! You know you enjoy it. Be happy! One more year until i graduate. OOO the scariness. I could be ruling your world soon!!! ah ha ha ha ha.
Goodnight loves. Peace be with you.
current mood:  amused
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| Wednesday, December 31st, 2003
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12:36 pm
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Hmmmmm... 2004. Tasty. I guess i should make a new years resolution and such things. Theres so many things I need to improve upon. Hm. Heres a nifty listy.
Some spiffy New Years Resolutions
1. Go Outside More (lol)
2. Finish Homework Before 9 pm
3. Be a little nicer, less moodier
4. Find collages
5. Stop watching loads of TV
6. Break up with the computer... we need a little more space apart... it's not you, it's... it is you.
7. Introduce myself back to the guitar and learn to read notes for real this time
8. Read Orlando
9. Learn to communicate
10. Save money (budget)
11. Sleep
12. Learn my tarot cards
13. Learn to read palms
14. Be happy
By the way... yesturday was Kaitlin's birthday! I enjoyed her birthday much. Free food, free movie, free cake. lol. No, it was quite lovely. We saw the Cat In The Hat after we ate at TGIFs with her family. Interesting movie, but no Peter Pan movie. I don't think another movie will be so wonderous as pan, except maybe that one movie... Big Fish. That looked splendid. Hee hee hee. And no, kaitlin's family did not drive me crazy. I know she thinks they did. THey were a little noise-y, but it was rather funny. Especially when her dad ran over the curb... it just jumped out... lol. Yes, pure awesomeness.
I have only about a year and a half before i must sail away to collage. It's scarey. really freaky. I have yet to pick a major. I have yet to pick a collage. I wanted to major in art, but what the hell will i do with that? the stupid ass mother said i just don't want to build and design buildings because it's too challenging. I so very wanted to say "Fuck You." She didn't go to collage and neither did my father... they have no idea what i'm feeling or going through. Maybe i should major in medicine so i could have a professional career. lol. Yes, my dreams of being a tattoo artist are just completly smashed. All of those weird GC songs come to mind when i think of what i want to ... i don't want to work your 9 to 5... don't tell me how to live my life... yeah... thats it. aw. lol. Yeah, i really don't listen to their music much, their cd is back within its little case. They just have a few catchy songs that i like to act out as i'm dancing in my room with headphones on. lol. I'm a head case. Surely I am.
New Years EVE!!!!! AHHH! Tomorrow is 2004! Holy shit my pants! Happy New Year everyone one! You sexy sexy 2003 dawgs. lol. och. My hot slang just burns. OOoooooOoOOOooO.
current mood:  busy
current music: The Flipsides
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