| what i want this year |
[11 Feb 2009|06:23pm] |
my sis and dad asked what i would like for my birthday.
i seriously don't know what i want.
all i know is that i want to never ever have to fret about money again.
i'm trying to be happy and brave. but you know, i'm a woman and i feel so hopeless about my future. i have no support whatsoever too.
i feel damn trapped, i can't leave my job, i can't stay without one, i can't take breaks whenever i like, i can't dream too.
i hope when i wake up on any day this year. our family finances will get all sorted out. my shoulders can take a break from carrying the mountain of debts. i can take a plane to anywhere in this world.
but even if that happens, i doubt i'll be truly happy.
i just feel heavy and dull emptiness within. it's affecting me spiritually.
sometimes, just sometimes, i wish i had the courage to end it all. or maybe to be insane enough to end it all. then a part of me reminds me of the things i'd have to give up if i end it. then i stop and try to be happy for few moments.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
if you only can see the amount of tears i'm trying to stop from flowing out of me.
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