| self-help |
[23 Nov 2010|09:47am] |
never thought i'd have needed to go through such readings.
i feel slightly better now.
i don't have someone i can or want to pour out all my feelings to. but thank god for the internet.
some of the pointers already done:
-recognizing how i contributed to the demise of the relationship
-remembering what was wrong that ended it
one thing that struck me was..."it takes two persons to form a relationship, and one to end it all"
i'm not saying that we've broken up or the end is really here. i really don't know what is going on anymore. it's a tango of sorts.
it's just filled with caution, sky-high expectations from each other.
i'm pretty tied up with work. supposed to be studying for exams too. but all i want to do is think about me and him, and sleep.
today, now, i'll just recap how we began, what good blossomed out of each other, what shit splashed, and how it will possibly end or turn into a happily-ever-after ending.
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we were both classmates, but hardly spoke.
he was constantly surronded by girls and i was in my own world all the time.
i thought he was good looking and a mighty player, because he was rotating pretty well :)
he thought i was aloof and only spoke to those i thought worthy.
we hung out with two different groups. but as the year progressed, we soon found ourselves sitting side by side. then i noticed he had a fluffy toy tiger as a pencil case! WTF. a guy with a fluffy pencil case. oh yes, and he likes pocky too.
so we shared pocky and i started stabbing his toy tiger and flinging it around.
he was always organizing gatherings after exams. but i never had the money to join in. i remember i had to skip meals to go to school.
he thought i was anti-social and was probably busy with a boyfriend.
then midway through, my mum came down with cancer. i started looking like a patient myself too.
it was hard trying to meet datelines and juggle studying with exams while taking care of mum. i remembered camping at the hospital during her surgery and studying at the same time. i was alone without anyone to help. i'm sure if R had been around then he would be of great help and support.
for the months to come, i hardly slept. i tried to stay awake. i was afraid my mum would die while i was asleep.
this time, i decided to join them for dinner before meeting seto for a mini concert at the esplanade. everyone had thought i was going to meet my boyfriend. i was lazy to deny. and my nose had a pimple bigger than mars! i lost over 6kgs and i had only old clothes to wear back then. how can i have a boyfrined?
anyway, i sat across R and throughout drinks i spoke girl power language. i always like to act like i'm made of steel when i'm crumbling inside. don't know why. haolian maybe.
after using all my strength to laugh and banter, i headed to meet seto.
seto gave me a concerned look, i felt like punching him cos it made me feel like crying.
haha.
okay very random to include seto in. haha.
anyway, after we broke the ice at drinks, i found it easier to speak to everyone in the group. i kinda softened, cos i found an outlet. i enjoyed going to school cos it meant i had time for myself. at home, every waking moment went to caring for my mum. it didn't help that others stood by to watch or avoided coming home. plus, my mum thinks i'm a qualified nurse. everything has to be done by me.
i nearly died when i accompanied her for one of her chemo sessions. it was so toxic. when we reached home, i crashed while mum made dinner!
i'm not sure how R found out. perhaps i really started looking like a beggar. haha. he asked me out and treated me for dinner. after which he gave me $50 and said it's no biggie but i really should eat more.
i wondered what his motives were. i've always been cautious. prior to that he offered me a trip to bali with him as well. but i declined. i told regine i could get raped, even though i may become a willing party. :P
but i think that's the way R is. nice to everyone regardless the gender.
i was left puzzled, but i didn't think he was interested cos i was sure his little black book was full.
sooooo it wasn't until during our last term together that i mentioned i wanted a break. a weekend getaway. i asked R cos he was always going away for weekends.
R said he could do one for cheap and it wouldn't hurt my pocket. and so we went with a group of friends.
i hung out with another girl on the journey. the driver was playing violent rambo films. lots of bombing throughout the journey. i felt sick, yet happy.
then we all dozed off, but i could constantly hear R's voice. apparently he was talking to the driver so that he would stay awake too. that's R also, taking care of people.
we took the ferry to tioman the next morning and R happily snapped us sleeping. yeah, me with my open mouth...something he said he's very fond of.
then we arrived, and it rained :( so while R and his buddy went diving, the rest of us slacked in the hut. it was quite fun. just lazing around and talking rubbish. then they fell asleep. and i heard R coming back.
i told him nobody wants to go snorkelling anymore cos they're happily sleeping. R said he'll accompany me cos that's what i went to tioman for. and so, he brought me out to the open sea. yikes! i have such a phobia for deep waters, but he said "don't worry, you'll be safe".
i was jittery, the water was terribly cold too. the life jacket did nothing for me. the waves bashed me. many times R held on to me cos i was getting swept away. that's how we got close. at least to me. cos i know R would do the same for anyone.
it felt like baywatch. the entire beach was ours. R piggyback me to shore cos i couldn't stand up. the waves were merciless.
then we did something i've never done before!
nothing sleazy la. just play sand sand with someone. especially a guy. we laid down side by side, then like a hindi movie, i pour sand on him, he pour on me. i emphasis again, it was nothing sleazy! we were playing like kids. i saw a side of R i've never seen before. don't think any other person has. it was something childlike. refreshing to see it in a guy. most guys i know come with devil's horns.
then it got late so we went back to our own rooms.
dinner was fun. and again R was running around like the village was his own home. he went to buy BBQ fish for everyone. then he headed to buy wine and beer for the rest of us.
honestly, i've not had that much fun in such a long time. i had beer down my back. and R flashed his butt at me. i still have the pics of it :P
then we all got tired and walked down the beach and sat at a bar. R's friend and i picked up a guitar and i played the song that made me famous. kiss me! haha. terrible timing and wrong chords to top it off. i was singing half drunk in my famous slur.
but R walked over amazed, asking if it was me singing. to be honest, i felt insulted...i was wondering why he thought i wasn't capable of singing. not that i sang very well.
anyway we all got tired and went back to our rooms. to my dismay, with all the beer down my back, my room had no water supply. i went to bed all sticky and woke up with a face like a pig. i had mozzie bites all over! i was slightly feverish too :(
i woke up grumpy and irritated. R came over and saw my face. but i was angry. at what i don't know. but it was unglam la!
while waiting for the ferry, i came down with a fever and migraine. it didn't help that it was freezing in the ferry too. i sulked and whined. then R offered me his lap to lie on. and i slammed my head down.
i think unconsciously, we started inching towards each other. it was just magnetic?
he was massaging my head and almost cuddling me? i was not resisting?!
at that point in time, it felt natural. yet, at the back of my head, i was thinking "bastard, that's how you get all the girls".
anyway, it felt comfy and i slept well. midway i put my head on his sticky arm.
however, when we got off the ferry we split apart....like velcro.
my fever went in full force and i slept throughout.
to cut the story short, the day after we arrived in sg, R texted to see if i was okay. and strangely, he said he wanted to give me a birthday present and collect his $50 (refer to above).
duh??? my birthday had long gone and $50? didn't he say i can take my time? i had just spent my money on tioman.
anyway i still went ahead to meet. nothing much came about from the meeting. still no $50 went to R. and, someone came to pick R up. secretive as usual, like all scorpios.
ah well, treat it as a miniature holiday "fling". i'm traditional okay!
i forgot how it developed next, but i know he came to watch momo jam. i didn't sing kiss me. the boys got distracted. R looked shy. i didn't know what was happening.
then R called again to remind me about his $50. i felt like slapping him cos it's just freaking $50. i said i'll transfer, he insisted we meet up. it didn't occur to me why :P then R said he got a job offer in bali and he was getting ready to leave singapore and he'd like to collect his money back.
okay, fair enough. but still, so much effort for $50?
i think it was on our next date alone, that R made his move. it was like in a tv show. R looked like a nerd when he held my hand. almost like he was looking at the sky. i hope he was thanking god or something.
and you know what? R didn't send me home on each subsequent date. i don't know why! maybe cos he's never been in a serious relationship before? but anyway, he made up for it in other ways.
i can't remember what happened next. it was so fast. everybody liked him. even i liked him.
i felt so comfortable like a little lamb. i looked forward to being with him. frankly, i loved every moment. it was the simplest things that made me smile. he went all out to let me know how precious i am. maybe that's why his tyres got punctured mid-way. exhaustion.
in three months he popped the question, in a very silly little way. i couldn't help laughing. i felt relieved at the same time. i found someone to be with me. i found someone to take care of me.
and i think it was at this point, things went haywire.
it was pressurising. my family is one of a kind. not everyone can adapt to them. one needed to come equipped with turtle shell armour to survive.
i can't go into details but things did fall apart slowly.
there was a lot of suspicions, jealousy, petty issues, insecurity, insanity, anger, etc.
i knew we were in trouble. but i thought we could survive it all.
what i forgot was R is human. he came attached with an ego, a sensitive self-esteem. he needed a sense of belongingness too. he was fragile too.
in fact, he is exactly like me. he tried to be very strong. i was strong too. i broke him into pieces.
i've only ever been in another relationship that was just as intense too. but it was different. R was very different.
to be fair and honest, i think R took on a lot to bear with. perhaps something beyond his imagination. i think a guy should do a lot of things. but sometimes, i look at R and feel sorry that he has to go through this. he just looks tired, and FAT. yes, all gone cos of a stressful job. compared to what he had back then, it's a difference. but compare it to what he has to go through to earn it, it's peanuts.
i don't think anyone was at fault. our circumstances did us in. and we thought we were strong enough to live through it all.
what stands in between us is a mountain of ego and a lake of ill feelings.
both sides were demanding proof of love to justify that the sacrifices were worth it all. R had to prove a lot, and i feel sorry for him. we both came loaded with unhappy pasts. R was the stronger one, but even now he's fallen.
i'm like the wicked witch. i can't stop stirring. the more i stir, the more our boats won't meet.
which was why i turned off my phone and diverted my calls.
i wanted time to calm down.
we both pushed each other off, then inched back cos we were afraid we'd lose sight of each other.
but i decided that if i don't do this, i'll be sitting and digging wounds. i want to bury and cremate the past.
i want to assess if we both have the ability to carry on.
i've found it difficult to hate R. impossible. all i have is just love love love.
but love distorted is a scary form of anger, jealousy and fear.
it's up to me to turn it around. else how will R remember who i am?
so many things i want to do with R but now everything's halted.
it's almost like MBS being constructed halfway, a roller coaster ride paused.
if only R can see this, he will know.
yet despite this, i have seen what good has come out of this relationship.
for the first time in my life, i learnt to love. sure i have huge problems with my anger. but i tasted real love. i've always found it strange that my heart still skips a beat after more than a year...and i've been staying with him most parts.
i felt human. even for R. he always displays a different front, but seeing him soften and allowing his vulnerability to surface. i think only i've seen it.
yet to be honest, i'm still holding back. there were many times when my past haunts me and tells me i shouldn't give freely. R told me my love came with conditions attached. true.
i'm overly paranoid. all i wanted was proof. if i had my way, i'd probably make R carve my name on every skin cell. i wanted to know that i was the most important thing in the world to him. sometimes i feel that there are certain things that cannot be explained or conveyed through words...or even actions. and those are the things i keep asking R to do.
i think i'll continue tonight. hopefully it'll help me sleep.
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