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[08 Nov 2009|01:15pm] |
no point struggling now.
let myself freefall.
come what may.
when i hit rock bottom i'll know how to get back up. at least that's what i think.
i'm sick of how my wanting to be silent is often misinterpreted as indifference by others. it is even more disappointing when the ones whom you think will love and accept who you are do so too.
i also want to know.
why humans complicate every single thing?
why are there so many symbolic gestures or actions or behaviors we need to display in order to let others know that we are genuinely sincere at a very particular moment?
i'm so sick.
just this morning i had the urge to sweep everything off the coffee table. but i can't. because that'd be perceived as rude and immature.
for me, it's a means of taking it out against things that don't really matter. rather than issuing a slap across someone's face.
maybe i'm just rude, selfish, insensitive, whatever.
but i don't give a shit. my life is lived not to please others. i was given life to enjoy the beauty of this world.
unfortunately, apart from nature - trees, sky, clouds, flowers, massive ocean, i see nothing particularly beautiful.
on some days when you are in love, everything looks good.
on other days when you feel like everyone is aiming an arrow at you, there's nothing to be seen.
so...do i shift my sight away from those arrows (which are gonna come anyway) or enjoy the scenery for as long as i live?
is there a word that means "angry" + "sad"?
how about "angry" + "1/2sad" * "dejection" / "hopelessness"?
i think i'm wasting space on earth. i should just die off. i mean fuck off.
okie....back to my books. hope i'd forget the shit soon.
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| achieving bigger things for dummies |
[05 Nov 2009|04:32pm] |
everything just went wrong today.
my item list for my weekly report has quadrupled.
my boss said out loud in exasperation that she's got more things to remember than me, and there i was confusing her. matters were made worse when i wrote rubbish on my email.
morning was nothing pleasant either, a perceived lack of affection for my other half is making me feel crap too.
nothing i say or do went down well.
everyone is just striking me out. cross cross cross.
sigh...am i not destined for bigger things?
why is it that at moments when it matters most, i screw up?
and why are my mistakes more glaring than others?
this despite me making a promise to focus more on work than facebook and what-nots.
does this signify that if i can't handle whatever's in my task-box now, i can never move up a corporate ladder? and that i should just be content with what i've got now?
does that mean god designed me to be as inferior?
*looks up the sky
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| orh eee orh eee orh! |
[21 Oct 2009|08:49am] |
sickening! every time i have a raging appetite, i forget to bring my money to school.
damnit!
luckily, i have my card with me. but damnit again! double hex :P that is the card to my savings...and i never ever replenish it. ooooh the figure is dwindling...down down down down down.
i want to eat nasi lemak, fish bee hoon, vegetarian paella, north indian cuisine, rochor soya beancurd, mountain loads of pasta! , pizza, warm warm bowl of mushroom soup....everything i can lay my hands on!
heh. shen jing bing.
can't wait for this crazy week to get over.
today: class, thurs: late nite jamming, fri: class, sat: double tutorials till evening, sun: recording.
ooohhhhh....i want the break to sleep, eat and study. triple S.
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| take a needle and poke my eyes |
[20 Oct 2009|08:22am] |
so much for sticking to timelines!!!
good attempt though. i feel less guilt.
the main reason why i spent two days struggling with two question papers on stats is because i never practised once. and lessons have stopped for more than a month now.
the symbols, curly-wurlies all look so alien.
took me a while to piece them together. things were easier when i did my second paper. except that it was 10pm yesterday! and i was supposed to have done up my lyrics and research for my sociology paper!! ROAR!
and partly cos i slept twice. yesterday.
today, i'm gonna stretch myself a little more.
have gotten myself a stats tutor and will sit through revision with my tutor till 9pm. then back to reading up on behavioral theories :P
regi said the more i sleep the worse my eyebags are. so i'm gonna try and reverse the order. let's see if i have sparkly eyes when i deprive myself of sleep.
am feeling terribly guilty that i chose to abandon my plans to go back with regi to his hometown. and i'm feeling kinda bad that our schedules won't match till january.
this morning. regi asked how come it feels like i'm getting smaller (in circumference!). and i'm feeling it too. even XS feels huge on me. i've gone from size 10 to size 6. quite horrific.
and i look so gaunt.
i'm sitting in my boring old office chair, staring at a mass of uniform, brown tables and people without expressions on their lifeless faces.
what would i do if this was my last day on earth?
really.
how am i gonna spend every day?
so many things i want to achieve, so many things i think i want to achieve but don't really want it as bad anymore too.
so how?
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| my goal for this weekend |
[16 Oct 2009|10:13pm] |
don't wanna be so ambitious since i know how lazy i am.
So just for this weekend, i will:
i) finish up my "model" answers for organisational behavior
ii) practise two sets of questions for statistics
iii) plan vocal parts and refine the lyrics for suicide
iv) go thread my eyebrow with mummy.
yes! i can do it.
I hope i can finish fast so i have time to sleep and watch movies with aneh. Hohohoh.
I made many hideous mistakes at work. Not something i should be capable of when i've been there for 3 yrs. Worse still, appraisal is just round the corner.
But! I've managed to clear my backlog and am finally seeing an empty desk. And i've managed to throw a nice idea to boss. Am gonna do me flowcharts and proposal. Hope i get to travel for work with that!
Hardly time for chats online. My only indulgence is movies with aneh just before bedtime. Funshion is lovely but really hard to spot which are the good ones to watch.
Okay..signing off. Jamming with the guys to fix suicide for recording!
Heart going back to studio.
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| ouch |
[08 Oct 2009|04:07pm] |
freaking tonsilitis.
why do i need to have every single physical ailment suffered by my parents and grandparents?
:(
eczema, asthma, tonsilitis, sinusitis, hyperthyroidism!
THANK YOU GOD FOR THE ABUNDANCE!
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| say say say |
[01 Oct 2009|09:00am] |
why do some people talk till the clouds start to cry and their audience suck in every word they say? like as if they are angels paying a rare visit on earth?
and then you have losers like me who try so hard to convince people.
do i look like a bloody fibber? or do i look retard?
what is it that make my words any less credible than those trumpet-blowers?
and people have the cheek to ask me why i am quiet.
today, i feel like kicking everything in sight. but it'll spoil my shoes.
keeping quiet is a better option.
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| finally |
[30 Sep 2009|03:53pm] |
i've been fighting the urge to smoke for the past week.
today, i finally felt disgusted when i tried to puff.
good.
no more smoking for me!
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| business quotes |
[25 Sep 2009|10:59am] |
i've always hated memorising diagrams or the pointers in a particular theory.
because in the exams, you have to list down everything. if you miss one out, you lose marks. but, who said everything is true. and why must all the pointers be present to make a theory, a theory? HAH!
ok. i admit, i haven't got a good memory.
so my only means of learning is to understand what i've read by imagining real-life applications.
which is why i feel so tired after studying. lol.
getting bored with studying models and drawing diagrams, i went to brainyquotes.com.
found this, and can't help giggling. isn't this what most people aspire to be? to reach the top and suffer doubly hard?
*By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. *
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| business quotes |
[25 Sep 2009|10:59am] |
i've always hated memorising diagrams or the pointers in a particular theory.
because in the exams, you have to list down everything. if you miss one out, you lose marks. but, who said everything is true. and why must all the pointers be present to make a theory, a theory? HAH!
ok. i admit, i haven't got a good memory.
so my only means of learning is to understand what i've read by imagining real-life applications.
which is why i feel so tired after studying. lol.
getting bored with studying models and drawing diagrams, i went to brainyquotes.com.
found this, and can't help giggling. isn't this what most people aspire to be? to reach the top and suffer doubly hard?
*By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day. *
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| invaded |
[24 Sep 2009|08:21am] |
this morning i saw my ah tiong bus driver smiling.
that was a rarity.
then!!!! i noticed something that sent a chill down my spine.
there was a red flag with yellow stars by his window.
i have a sick feeling that singapore is in some sort of trouble.
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| i hate humans |
[21 Sep 2009|07:10pm] |
eff humans and their silly games.
i can't wait for time's up.
too bored of the same shit. if you wanna kill me, try something new.
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[15 Sep 2009|12:16pm] |
this world is made up of bullshit nonsense right?
especially that thing called love.
what love?
eff.
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| detaching |
[14 Sep 2009|09:55am] |
actually, i wrote a long post before i decided to delete everything and just replace it with this.
hhahaha. because all i want to say is...I AM NOTHING.
so it shouldn't matter if i do something to you or not.
i cannot destroy anyone. because i am nothing.
so no worries.
and seriously. i care for nothing that i do not feel a bond with. because the bonded ones bond. the rest, no matter how many things you try to ply on - be they gifts, exchange of niceties, promises, will never stick.
so if you find someone not sticking well. then just let go. don't be so hurt just cos someone doesn't like you. it's only natural. not everybody like god also. what more a mere mortal.
i am nothing. so is everybody else.
unless you are a bigot. then you are in a different world/league/platiform/whatever shit altogether.
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| nobody...just me |
[11 Sep 2009|09:15am] |
this morning i woke up feeling like i'm the only person left in this world.
it felt a little scary. yet at the same time, i felt freedom.
it's different from the end of the world scenes - where i, the lucky one, escaped death. it's different.
today i felt like i am everything.
just neutral. just being. just watching and experiencing.
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| the more we get together |
[02 Sep 2009|11:13am] |
yesterday, at a chance encounter, i had a brief discussion with a wise old man (LOL).
he said nothing is fair. really.
yeah...no doubt about it.
look at miss ris low. lol. look at my ugly scarred legs.
okie before i stray off course like i always do.
it's really not fair hor.
i look back at my past relationships, and my current one.
it's all about responsibilities.
u tell someone u love them. they assume, u'd love them forever.
so is it my own responsibility to bear in mind that people do change, and that one day that statement would bear no significance? or is it the promisor's responsibility to keep check of his feelings before saying such things?
it's not fair either way too.
because nothing stagnates in this world. mountains will be dust again one day.
so how do you deal with it when someone makes you feel like he is ready to spend the rest of your life with you, and then one day, tell you to give up that idea.
it hurts. and it's not fair again, because nobody knows how bad you hurt.
and then, it's also not fair because you are not given a manual on how this loveshit system works as well.
so do you put on a mask with a smiley face and just trust everything, or just disbelief everything? also not fair again.
so it's just responsibility from both parties who claim to be committed, and good luck too.
i don't want to get bruised again.
cos each time i think i've grown stronger, it has been proven otherwise.
the heart just gets weaker with each beating.
really not fair.
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| alternation |
[26 Aug 2009|10:40am] |
my tears have changed into something even better - ANGER.
i want to smash things now.
i want to shout out loud.
i want to punch my fist into the wall.
i want to step on people's toes for fun.
i wannaaaaa....
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| hypocrisy |
[24 Aug 2009|11:54am] |
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i'm truly behind the saying - birds of the same feather flock together.
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| what to eat? |
[21 Aug 2009|01:18pm] |
my aunty bought some dish - think it's pig trotters with black sauce and vinegar (vegetarian one) for me when she found out i had worms.
it's supposed to cleanse the body of impurities and also to get rid of excess wind. mainly for ladies who've just given birth.
after i ate that, my appetite has been earth-destroying. i just want to eat all the time.
and today, i'm lucky.
i have my muesli bars, a box of bee hoon, a piece of brownie, and some longans.
but the problem is...what to eat first?
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| i should have checked earlier |
[19 Aug 2009|09:28am] |
Moon in Aries
The Moon in Aries makes an individual energetic, impetuous and impulsive. Even if at times he or she might seem calm and cool outside, inside they are full of fidgety urges. Quite unexpectedly for those around them, and sometimes even for themselves, these people can suddenly get involved in an adventure, make a decisive step, or go to the other side of the globe under the influence of a bright new idea.
It is simply essential for the Moon in Aries to somehow release the energy of this hot-headed sign, and so it is quite common for an individual with this Moon to go into sports (REAL sports, not chess!).
Moon in Aries people see life as a permanent battle or competition. Even if everything goes smoothly, without effort, their Moon in Aries will find something to struggle for.
Since the Moon rules unconscious reactions, people with the Moon in Aries react very quickly and automatically. Later, when they become more conscious of their actions, they may regret what they've done, but, alas, patience and prudence are not their strong points.
If their life is too stable and dull, Moon in Aries individuals might protest against this, and this can show as health problems - possibly inflammatory disorders of digestion or an allergy. The Moon is also associated with skin, and the skin may become reddish, with pimples or a rash. Moon in Aries can also be prone to headaches, sleeplessness (especially when overworked or overexcited) and eye problems.
To get rid of stress, Moon in Aries needs to somehow spend excess energy - to have a run, to punch someone (if not physically then emotionally), or break something.
It is not easy for Moon in Aries to be a parent. It just cannot be unobtrusive and steady. Its pedagogical style is more like a cavalry charge, and a slap on the wrist can be its main argument.
Moon in Aries people often think of their mother as an active and energetic person, and the main thing which she taught them in life is not to be idle and that they should pursue their goals.
Housekeeping may serve as a safety-valve for these people, especially for women. They have plenty of energy for cleaning, repairing, cooking, but this happens in bursts, and if something isn't completed until the end of such a burst, it will be abandoned until the next time. Normally, the Moon in Aries can be a good cook (if it doesn't burn something in a haste), but everyday cooking is seen as humdrum and boring.
*now to adjust
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