trish's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
trish

[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[12 Jan 2011|11:24am]
if in doubt, consult steve pavlina. humourous and simple to understand.

Defining Commitment
One reason so many relationships involve cheating, lying, and secrets is that the commitments are poorly defined. This creates gray areas that can be easily stretched until you reach the point of having crossed the border into breaking that commitment, but it isn’t clear at what point the border was specifically crossed.

How will you know if you’re honoring your commitment or not?

Be specific. Start by explicitly defining what your commitment looks like. What do you expect of each other? What have you decided to co-create together?

Talk about actions, events, feelings, reactions, expectations, and consequences. Step out of the conceptual realm, and move into the world of what’s perceivable. If you’re going to make a commitment, then let it be grounded in reality. Bring it over to this side of the wardrobe.

Making a subjective commitment is wonderful. That’s a good start. It’s perfectly fine to begin with abstractions like loving and honoring each other. But if it’s a real commitment — and not an airy fairy nebulous one that could mean anything — then there will be an objective side to it as well. The subjective and objective commitments are two sides of the same coin. Ultimately you can’t have one without the other.

If there’s genuine love present, how do you intend for it to manifest? Will this translate into flowers, joint finances, and having kids? Or will it show up as sailing around the world together, sharing bottles of wine, and hours-long lovemaking sessions? Or is it simply a matter of texting “I <3 U, Schmoopie!” twenty times a day?

Everyone has a different understanding of commitment. If you assume your partner’s notion of commitment is the same as yours, good luck with that. It’s a well-trodden path to disappointment and heartbreak. Be prepared for that slow sinking feeling down the road.

Reality vs. Semantics
As you discuss your commitment with your partner, be careful not to get lost fussing over the exact meaning of words like commitment and cheating. The exact labels you use aren’t that important. What matters is that you focus on what’s real and grounded and experiential as opposed to getting too abstract and vague.

Talk about what your commitment means to you in a grounded way. It may be less romantic than the ungrounded version, but creating that level of clarity can deepen your connection. You’ll tend to feel more connected when you and your partner clarify what you expect of each other and what you’re willing to give.

Saying that you expect your partner to love, cherish, and be faithful to you is likely to create headaches down the road. Instead, replace these vagaries with a specific expectation like, “If you were to kiss another woman in a way that’s more than a friendly greeting or a peck on the cheek, such as if you were to make out with her or French kiss her, I’d consider that a violation of our commitment, and I’d feel hurt and betrayed.” Or say, “I’d like you to take at least one specific action each day that you expect will make me feel loved and cared for, such as making me a nice dinner; going for walk together while holding my hand; cuddling me on the couch as we watch a movie; looking into my eyes and saying ‘I love you and care about you’; or slapping a slave collar on me, commanding me to strip, tying me to the bed, and shagging me rotten.”

Updating Your Commitment
As your relationship evolves over time, it’s wise to update your commitment now and then. Talk with your partner about the changes you’re experiencing. If you can’t renegotiate your commitment in a way that feels good to you both, then agree to let go with love, and give yourselves the freedom to seek out new partners who feel good about making the commitments you each desire.

You don’t actually have to commit to anything. So if the idea of being specific doesn’t feel right to you, then it’s absolutely fine to let go and to allow your relationship path unfold as it will. In that case, don’t get too attached to the idea of commitment as it relates to any one person, as it will simply devolve into attachment and clinginess. Commitment requires free choice, not obligation.

If you claim to be in a committed relationship but you don’t have a specific commitment with your partner that goes beyond the use of vague and ill-defined words, then don’t be too surprised when your connection gradually becomes something that appears committed on the surface but lacks the true spirit of commitment in your thoughts, feelings, and actions. If you haven’t spelled out any specific commitments, then you’re better off not using the C-word to describe your relationship. But if you still want to feel the spirit of commitment without going through the trouble of defining it, use a slave collar instead.
post comment

time [12 Jan 2011|09:55am]
if only i could turn back time, i'd prevent a lot of things from happening.

my heart will never ever get broken, and i'll never lose my mind.

but will i still be human?

each time it gets broken, i stare at the bits on the floor, and ask myself. how many more times?

each time it gets broken, we get a new heart is it?

does it come as an upgraded version? how come it still hurts each time?

god, can you give me a new one that has a hardness of 10? like a diamond. preferably in pink, or black if you can.

but..the harder the heart, the less its ability to absorb shock? shit.

should i opt for a rubbery one? the same material as the rubber hose in my toilet.

duuuu duuu duuuuuuu.....phone line engage...duuu duuu duuu...it goes dead again.
post comment

touched [04 Jan 2011|07:08pm]
he finally made the first move.

to talk. to everyone.

and it felt good. there was no awkward silence. i can be anywhere i want to be.

i didn't have to choose whether i wanna watch tv with them or hide in the room with him.

it feels good. doesn't matter where it'll take us. but for now, this is very good.
post comment

Useless [29 Dec 2010|08:32pm]
I feel like I'm throwing myself at you.
post comment

The past [07 Dec 2010|08:25pm]
I will bury the past in me. The secrets never to be told to anyone ever again.

Because I know no one will love me for what I did.
post comment

only i know [06 Dec 2010|01:46pm]
there are many things to consider.

i'm trying to make you see things from my point of view. but always in vain.

i really don't know.

all i know is what goes around comes around.

in all ways. no escaping.
post comment

[04 Dec 2010|01:13am]
Strangers, speechless.
How I envy.
post comment

monster [02 Dec 2010|09:33am]
i am a monster, a good one. and i do not think i should spread more evil.

no wonder they are trying to kill me.
post comment

[01 Dec 2010|08:42am]
U can't choose where and how you want to come into this world.

U can't choose the people to be in your life.

Most of them are like passers-by. Some stop over for a long time.

Some stop and take away a piece of you.

Yet the ones always stuck to you are the ones you least expect to abandon you.

Still they do. For the stupidest reasons.

I don't feel human. I feel like the neighborhood ATM machine.

I'm expected to churn out money.

But what if all these were not what I'm born to do?

Didn't I look better flipping in the air? Wasn't I healthier then?

What made all of them think I love money as much as them?

Why should I stretch myself to my limits daily?

Why can't I lie down and watch tv? Why can't I live on credit supplied? Why can't I borrow money from you guys? Why can't I spend my hard-earned money on myself?

Why can't I?

Look at all the clothes and pampering you all had.

Why is it wrong for me to live like you guys? Not that I want to live irresponsibly?

Why?

I'm back to those days where I just want anything to take me away.

I don't need to leave a beautiful shell cos that's what the remnants on earth hold on to.

U can smash me into pieces. I don't care or mind. Just take me away.
post comment

emo [01 Dec 2010|08:04am]
always emo. now especially emo.

life is full of decisions.

god. i've made 3 decisions in my life. 3 that concern me now.

tell me i'm on the right path.
post comment

waiting [30 Nov 2010|10:14am]
last week we went to sentosa.

no where to rush to. no appointments to keep.

just us.

basked under the sun for just 1 hour and we gave up. it was a killer.

so we went over to vivo and had lunch.

modestos sucks to the core. what happened to the standard?

then we tried to shop around. found nothing interesting and we headed home.

should have bought the wine we saw. had such a hard time finding it. but the weather was just too hot for wine.

that said, i miss having sake.

hmm...so far so good. no fighting. no angry words.

i'm considering putting everything down and follow our dreams. but it would be irresponsible right?

anyway, am expecting some news today. it can change things a lot right now :)

he's packed this week, so i'll go shopping with a girlie. hopefully i can find the bag i've been looking for. should i spend on a pricier one that can last? but given my budget, it definitely won't be my ideal bag. or should i just settle for something decent till i can afford the bag i want?

what's up with women and bags? i really don't know. i wish i had an answer.

i wish i can tell you why i'm tormented for losing my chanel. godamnit! it's a chanel!

never mind one day i'll get a nicer one.

next weekend we're heading for malacca. have spent and wasted some leave going for interviews so i can only take weekend trips now.

come to think of it, at least i know the expectations of most employers these days. i've become very pampered here. yes, my pay is pathetic. it can't pay my mortgage entirely, but i'm really comfy.

hopefully, they'll offer me something better next year. or i'll find something better.

there has to be progression. i hate stagnation.

oh yes, and i really agree that everyone should get at least a hug each day. it does wonders.
post comment

Not desirable [25 Nov 2010|04:54am]
When you've got love to give and you realize that your other half does not need it anymore?

Just wondering, have I been giving so little that it feels the same as gotten from elsewhere?
post comment

yawn [24 Nov 2010|11:00pm]
am going to sleep already.

just thought i'd let out some more rubbish today.

am listening to DEG, hmmm doesn't seem to work me up so much anymore :(

you know i kinda like it when people share their issues with me. innate kaypoh. but i just feel like it's nice to have someone open up to me.

unfortunately, i think R is the kind who likes to keep everything to himself. it can sometimes drive us to the wall.

see..i'm sensitive. i pick up vibes. if i know something's not well, i ask. and i want to know what happened.

but R is always shutting himself off. maybe it's a guy's thing? they don't want their ladies to worry?

not sure why. sometimes it bothers me.

cos i know when R doesn't sleep well at night, i get affected too. i don't even have to be near.

yet, he never tells me what goes on in his mind. why?

so many whys i've been asking recently.

okay. i'm really tired now.

another night gone. be back again soon.

sweet dreams.
post comment

[24 Nov 2010|02:49pm]
yay! finally confirmed a trip.

next term is hellish because there are so many public holidays and classes are crammed like mad. only 6 days to study for exams too.

sooooooo.....................

i want to go for a getaway before i start the next term. i only have 8 days to relax.

wanted to head to bintan but nobody wants to go. sigh. i'd have gone alone but i know how blur i am. don't want to miss my ferry or something also.

yeah that's the plan. meanwhile, will find some activities for next weekend.
post comment

ciao chanel [24 Nov 2010|09:59am]
i really can't find my chanel bag :(

i think i threw it out with a bag of old clothes :((

ouch..regret of a lifetime :(((

when can i afford another chanel la!!!!

:((((
post comment

self-help [23 Nov 2010|09:47am]
never thought i'd have needed to go through such readings.

i feel slightly better now.

i don't have someone i can or want to pour out all my feelings to. but thank god for the internet.

some of the pointers already done:
-recognizing how i contributed to the demise of the relationship
-remembering what was wrong that ended it

one thing that struck me was..."it takes two persons to form a relationship, and one to end it all"

i'm not saying that we've broken up or the end is really here. i really don't know what is going on anymore. it's a tango of sorts.

it's just filled with caution, sky-high expectations from each other.

i'm pretty tied up with work. supposed to be studying for exams too. but all i want to do is think about me and him, and sleep.

today, now, i'll just recap how we began, what good blossomed out of each other, what shit splashed, and how it will possibly end or turn into a happily-ever-after ending.

________________________________________________________________________________

we were both classmates, but hardly spoke.

he was constantly surronded by girls and i was in my own world all the time.

i thought he was good looking and a mighty player, because he was rotating pretty well :)

he thought i was aloof and only spoke to those i thought worthy.

we hung out with two different groups. but as the year progressed, we soon found ourselves sitting side by side. then i noticed he had a fluffy toy tiger as a pencil case! WTF. a guy with a fluffy pencil case. oh yes, and he likes pocky too.

so we shared pocky and i started stabbing his toy tiger and flinging it around.

he was always organizing gatherings after exams. but i never had the money to join in. i remember i had to skip meals to go to school.

he thought i was anti-social and was probably busy with a boyfriend.

then midway through, my mum came down with cancer. i started looking like a patient myself too.

it was hard trying to meet datelines and juggle studying with exams while taking care of mum. i remembered camping at the hospital during her surgery and studying at the same time. i was alone without anyone to help. i'm sure if R had been around then he would be of great help and support.

for the months to come, i hardly slept. i tried to stay awake. i was afraid my mum would die while i was asleep.

this time, i decided to join them for dinner before meeting seto for a mini concert at the esplanade. everyone had thought i was going to meet my boyfriend. i was lazy to deny. and my nose had a pimple bigger than mars! i lost over 6kgs and i had only old clothes to wear back then. how can i have a boyfrined?

anyway, i sat across R and throughout drinks i spoke girl power language. i always like to act like i'm made of steel when i'm crumbling inside. don't know why. haolian maybe.

after using all my strength to laugh and banter, i headed to meet seto.

seto gave me a concerned look, i felt like punching him cos it made me feel like crying.

haha.

okay very random to include seto in. haha.

anyway, after we broke the ice at drinks, i found it easier to speak to everyone in the group. i kinda softened, cos i found an outlet. i enjoyed going to school cos it meant i had time for myself. at home, every waking moment went to caring for my mum. it didn't help that others stood by to watch or avoided coming home. plus, my mum thinks i'm a qualified nurse. everything has to be done by me.

i nearly died when i accompanied her for one of her chemo sessions. it was so toxic. when we reached home, i crashed while mum made dinner!

i'm not sure how R found out. perhaps i really started looking like a beggar. haha. he asked me out and treated me for dinner. after which he gave me $50 and said it's no biggie but i really should eat more.

i wondered what his motives were. i've always been cautious. prior to that he offered me a trip to bali with him as well. but i declined. i told regine i could get raped, even though i may become a willing party. :P

but i think that's the way R is. nice to everyone regardless the gender.

i was left puzzled, but i didn't think he was interested cos i was sure his little black book was full.

sooooo it wasn't until during our last term together that i mentioned i wanted a break. a weekend getaway. i asked R cos he was always going away for weekends.

R said he could do one for cheap and it wouldn't hurt my pocket. and so we went with a group of friends.

i hung out with another girl on the journey. the driver was playing violent rambo films. lots of bombing throughout the journey. i felt sick, yet happy.

then we all dozed off, but i could constantly hear R's voice. apparently he was talking to the driver so that he would stay awake too. that's R also, taking care of people.

we took the ferry to tioman the next morning and R happily snapped us sleeping. yeah, me with my open mouth...something he said he's very fond of.

then we arrived, and it rained :( so while R and his buddy went diving, the rest of us slacked in the hut. it was quite fun. just lazing around and talking rubbish. then they fell asleep. and i heard R coming back.

i told him nobody wants to go snorkelling anymore cos they're happily sleeping. R said he'll accompany me cos that's what i went to tioman for. and so, he brought me out to the open sea. yikes! i have such a phobia for deep waters, but he said "don't worry, you'll be safe".

i was jittery, the water was terribly cold too. the life jacket did nothing for me. the waves bashed me. many times R held on to me cos i was getting swept away. that's how we got close. at least to me. cos i know R would do the same for anyone.

it felt like baywatch. the entire beach was ours. R piggyback me to shore cos i couldn't stand up. the waves were merciless.

then we did something i've never done before!

nothing sleazy la. just play sand sand with someone. especially a guy. we laid down side by side, then like a hindi movie, i pour sand on him, he pour on me. i emphasis again, it was nothing sleazy! we were playing like kids. i saw a side of R i've never seen before. don't think any other person has. it was something childlike. refreshing to see it in a guy. most guys i know come with devil's horns.

then it got late so we went back to our own rooms.

dinner was fun. and again R was running around like the village was his own home. he went to buy BBQ fish for everyone. then he headed to buy wine and beer for the rest of us.

honestly, i've not had that much fun in such a long time. i had beer down my back. and R flashed his butt at me. i still have the pics of it :P

then we all got tired and walked down the beach and sat at a bar. R's friend and i picked up a guitar and i played the song that made me famous. kiss me! haha. terrible timing and wrong chords to top it off. i was singing half drunk in my famous slur.

but R walked over amazed, asking if it was me singing. to be honest, i felt insulted...i was wondering why he thought i wasn't capable of singing. not that i sang very well.

anyway we all got tired and went back to our rooms. to my dismay, with all the beer down my back, my room had no water supply. i went to bed all sticky and woke up with a face like a pig. i had mozzie bites all over! i was slightly feverish too :(

i woke up grumpy and irritated. R came over and saw my face. but i was angry. at what i don't know. but it was unglam la!

while waiting for the ferry, i came down with a fever and migraine. it didn't help that it was freezing in the ferry too. i sulked and whined. then R offered me his lap to lie on. and i slammed my head down.

i think unconsciously, we started inching towards each other. it was just magnetic?

he was massaging my head and almost cuddling me? i was not resisting?!

at that point in time, it felt natural. yet, at the back of my head, i was thinking "bastard, that's how you get all the girls".

anyway, it felt comfy and i slept well. midway i put my head on his sticky arm.

however, when we got off the ferry we split apart....like velcro.

my fever went in full force and i slept throughout.

to cut the story short, the day after we arrived in sg, R texted to see if i was okay. and strangely, he said he wanted to give me a birthday present and collect his $50 (refer to above).

duh??? my birthday had long gone and $50? didn't he say i can take my time? i had just spent my money on tioman.

anyway i still went ahead to meet. nothing much came about from the meeting. still no $50 went to R. and, someone came to pick R up. secretive as usual, like all scorpios.

ah well, treat it as a miniature holiday "fling". i'm traditional okay!

i forgot how it developed next, but i know he came to watch momo jam. i didn't sing kiss me. the boys got distracted. R looked shy. i didn't know what was happening.

then R called again to remind me about his $50. i felt like slapping him cos it's just freaking $50. i said i'll transfer, he insisted we meet up. it didn't occur to me why :P then R said he got a job offer in bali and he was getting ready to leave singapore and he'd like to collect his money back.

okay, fair enough. but still, so much effort for $50?

i think it was on our next date alone, that R made his move. it was like in a tv show. R looked like a nerd when he held my hand. almost like he was looking at the sky. i hope he was thanking god or something.

and you know what? R didn't send me home on each subsequent date. i don't know why! maybe cos he's never been in a serious relationship before? but anyway, he made up for it in other ways.

i can't remember what happened next. it was so fast. everybody liked him. even i liked him.

i felt so comfortable like a little lamb. i looked forward to being with him. frankly, i loved every moment. it was the simplest things that made me smile. he went all out to let me know how precious i am. maybe that's why his tyres got punctured mid-way. exhaustion.

in three months he popped the question, in a very silly little way. i couldn't help laughing. i felt relieved at the same time. i found someone to be with me. i found someone to take care of me.

and i think it was at this point, things went haywire.

it was pressurising. my family is one of a kind. not everyone can adapt to them. one needed to come equipped with turtle shell armour to survive.

i can't go into details but things did fall apart slowly.

there was a lot of suspicions, jealousy, petty issues, insecurity, insanity, anger, etc.

i knew we were in trouble. but i thought we could survive it all.

what i forgot was R is human. he came attached with an ego, a sensitive self-esteem. he needed a sense of belongingness too. he was fragile too.

in fact, he is exactly like me. he tried to be very strong. i was strong too. i broke him into pieces.

i've only ever been in another relationship that was just as intense too. but it was different. R was very different.

to be fair and honest, i think R took on a lot to bear with. perhaps something beyond his imagination. i think a guy should do a lot of things. but sometimes, i look at R and feel sorry that he has to go through this. he just looks tired, and FAT. yes, all gone cos of a stressful job. compared to what he had back then, it's a difference. but compare it to what he has to go through to earn it, it's peanuts.

i don't think anyone was at fault. our circumstances did us in. and we thought we were strong enough to live through it all.

what stands in between us is a mountain of ego and a lake of ill feelings.

both sides were demanding proof of love to justify that the sacrifices were worth it all. R had to prove a lot, and i feel sorry for him. we both came loaded with unhappy pasts. R was the stronger one, but even now he's fallen.

i'm like the wicked witch. i can't stop stirring. the more i stir, the more our boats won't meet.
which was why i turned off my phone and diverted my calls.

i wanted time to calm down.

we both pushed each other off, then inched back cos we were afraid we'd lose sight of each other.

but i decided that if i don't do this, i'll be sitting and digging wounds. i want to bury and cremate the past.

i want to assess if we both have the ability to carry on.

i've found it difficult to hate R. impossible. all i have is just love love love.

but love distorted is a scary form of anger, jealousy and fear.

it's up to me to turn it around. else how will R remember who i am?

so many things i want to do with R but now everything's halted.

it's almost like MBS being constructed halfway, a roller coaster ride paused.

if only R can see this, he will know.

yet despite this, i have seen what good has come out of this relationship.

for the first time in my life, i learnt to love. sure i have huge problems with my anger. but i tasted real love. i've always found it strange that my heart still skips a beat after more than a year...and i've been staying with him most parts.

i felt human. even for R. he always displays a different front, but seeing him soften and allowing his vulnerability to surface. i think only i've seen it.

yet to be honest, i'm still holding back. there were many times when my past haunts me and tells me i shouldn't give freely. R told me my love came with conditions attached. true.

i'm overly paranoid. all i wanted was proof. if i had my way, i'd probably make R carve my name on every skin cell. i wanted to know that i was the most important thing in the world to him. sometimes i feel that there are certain things that cannot be explained or conveyed through words...or even actions. and those are the things i keep asking R to do.

i think i'll continue tonight. hopefully it'll help me sleep.
post comment

moving backwards [23 Nov 2010|09:16am]
it's getting from worse to worst.

nothing seems to be working. at least on my end. i'm totally blinded now.

nothing but negativity.

he said i should find myself true friends.

but it's just so hard to open up to people. i thought one true friend would be enough. that was him.

i don't know.

a lot of things may be due to my overactive imagination.

born a chronic neurotic. how do we cure this?

silence perhaps. silence might clear the dirt away from my mind.

i thought a prodigy concert might entice me..bring me back to life. not working.

i tried shopping. not working too.

just emptiness.

tried looking at destinations to holiday at. yet all i want to go on is the path to the end.

looking at cute stuff? only a little bit. i look at them before i sleep. but i wake up 2 hours later and feel all the lethargy.

counting money? i like money. it makes me feel secure. i also don't like it because once i have it, others want a bite of it. and they make me feel guilty when i use it to buy myself nice stuff.

listening to music? nah. too many regrets there.

studying? doesn't matter anymore.

going out for a stroll? i look like a dead person. i only know a few friends who like zombies. still, i may be too scary to look at.

work? i dread most. i wish i can just drop it. right now. hand in my letter and sleep in all day at home.

all i feel like is running away. escapist most will say. i agree too.

but taking a break away from the nightmare is like doing a handstand. i get to see things differently. being caught up in the turmoil, not much time for reflection or good decision making. i get swayed by emotions so much.

where is the steadiness? gone.

where is the ability to be gracious? gone.

right now, i'm the green eyed monster. yes i want every bit of you.

crazy.

yes. i put all my eggs into one basket and it's all gone.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

over the weekend, several hearts got broken. and i smashed my own.

how come i'm still alive?

i don't know what i want. all i know is if i can't give happiness and continue to torture someone. then i should just get lost. cos it's pointless.

sooner or later they'll just hate me.

so many decisions to make.

so little time. so much uncertainty.
post comment

brand new start [21 Nov 2010|03:55pm]
in order to start over, i have to close up the past.

so today, i took the steps to whip those who did wrong, and said my sorrys to those i hurt.

it doesn't matter if they accept my apologies or not.

what matters is i recognize my folly.

i've adopted a new kitty. at least i have something to occupy me with when i can't sleep at night.

exams are nasty, but i'm dealing with it. i feel like dropping everything i have and disappearing.

but i know i'll just enter another whirlwind of shit.

sure there are many thoughts of ending it all.

but my first attempt failed and i lived to watch people cry for me. and they are not the ones i wished to see crying.

now, there is always a voice that tells me that it is not the way out.

my mum asked me if i'm sound mentally. of course not. who can live with such torment?

till now, i still don't know how to live life.

i still have not learned my lesson.

he tells me to drop all logic and dive in. to drop my past and love like there's no tomorrow.

what's preventing me from it all? myself? why am i denying myself the most amazing journey of my life?

what went wrong?

have we all been so stressed up? i'm so tired i don't have strength to talk. all i want to do is get away. yet when i'm away all i can think of is you.

sometimes i ask myself what's the worst that can happen to me....i don't know.

the kind of things that i've had to go through...they make me laugh. how much worse can nature think of to torment me? there have been some creative ideas. i've lost all my loved ones in scenes comparable to movies.

anyone keen in writing a movie script based on my life?

or am i insignificant? do i think too much of myself?

expand or contract my view? expansion means i am nothing, contracting means i am everything.

big small big small big small.

i want to lie down and rest but it's so hot. i want to study but i don't know where to start. i want to hold your hand but i'm afraid you'll fall apart.

silence may provide answers. talk less talk less.
post comment

sitting on the roof top [16 Nov 2010|10:01am]
on the left are my loved ones..the ones i loved unconditionally, despite all they've done.

on my right is the one i also love. someone whom i had planned to escape from all the unjust, to just leave my past behind.

yet now i'm torn between both sides.

both want a piece of me. whatever for, i don't know.

and my past sits right on top of my head. like a king on a throne.

my past dictates. it prevents me from following my heart.

it instills a lot of fear in me.

what do i really want? what do they want?

will money make people happy?

is it wise to wholeheartedly entrust your life to someone else?

who can guarantee?

who decides what happens in the end?

who is going to be right, and who is going to be wrong?

too many questions.

i gave up on one paper. i can't shit on the rest.

i feel like buying an island to stay. if that's the case, i have 10 years to amass a fortune for it.

by the way, on a random note. i think i've gotten taller. strange.
post comment

Heart failire [15 Nov 2010|11:40am]
Hurting like crazy
When will the day come?

I miss the clouds.
post comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]