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Miss Misery

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Yeah, just ruined a 4 year friendship [24 Mar 2004|09:53am]
[ mood | scared ]
[ music | Fiona Apple - Across the Universe ]

So i stayed home from school today like a big wimp. I had told Nessa weeks ago that Lauren liked Cliff, pretty much by accident. And last night Lauren found out, called me, bitched me out, and said Cliff would probly never talk to her again. So I cried the whole night after that. My friendship with Lauren was pretty much on the skids anyway, as it is with everyone else of her former friends, even Nessa. But I think this clinches it that we'll never have a friendship again, which is really sad. We did spend 4 years together. Maybe that's why I cried, cuz i know this betrayal can't be forgiven in her eyes. But at the end of the day, she's not the same person she was a year ago. She's changed, for the worst in my opinion. So i suppose having her as a friend, especially when she makes me feel shitty and irritated most of the time, is not what I need. So i should just move one right? That's what is supposed to happen. But people never tell you how hard it is to just move on. How do you say goodbye to a friend like that? I woke up paranoid that everyone else was gonna hate me, so i chickened out and said a big NO to school today and all of it's issues. I read my mail and livejournals and there have been no big hate entries, or anything like that, so I think my paranoia is just getting the better of me. I know, or at least I hope, that my friends like Nessa, Sam, Amanda, and Laura wouldn't turn on me. I'm pretty sure Nessa wouldn't, and the others aren't exactly on speaking terms with Lauren anyway so I probly don't have anything to worry about. But i still feel like shit. I know I made a mistake by telling Nessa, I slipped up. But don't we all make mistakes?? Isn't it human nature? We have to move on from those, and I have a feeling Lauren never will. So i guess that's that. To solidify this glorious day, i have to go to the doctor's and my mom is making me tell her about my depression. Awkwardness. I could always not tell her, but if i did that, my mom would come into the room and tell her for me or something, and that would be hell, so i'll just have to get over it and discuss. Meh, i hate my life. My suicidal thoughts are arriving more and more into my head. I don't know, it just seems so much nice than this right now

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[27 Dec 2003|11:17pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | Hoobastank - Out of Control ]

A week later, Christmas has come and gone, sadly. It was a good day more or less (except for "Aunt Flo"). After-Christmas sale shopping has been kind to me, and so has watching my new dvds and listening to my new music. I wrote all about the holiday in my other two journals so i won't divulge in this one.

A week later, still cutting my legs up. Shit, i might tell my mom tomorrow i've been depressed. I want to talk to someone that will listen, even if i'm paying them to listen to my non-existent problems.

P.S. Got into Keene State College whoo, with a President's Scholarship for $3,500 a year. Yayyy :)

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Last night, I cut myself...and felt powerful. [21 Dec 2003|12:43pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | Fiona Apple - Sullen Girl ]

Yeah I know I haven't updated in just about 2 months, but I just need to write about something. Yesterday was soooo much fun! Well, Friday me, lorne, and verne went to the Buzz Bean where I saw the awesome guy that works at Subway. He plays guitar ::thud:: I faint. Anyway, then we sneaked into Gothika, my second time seeing it. It was awesome again! Lauren slept over and yesterday I exposed her to the wonder that is Labyrinth (she loved it!) Later on, we walked down to the video store and rented Chocolat, grabbed some Dunkin Donuts, and then I went into The Bag Lady's Basement. I had heard an old grammar school friend of mine was running it, used clothes for cheap. The place is really cool and it was awesome running into Frankie again. She turned out opposite from what I thought she'd turn out as. She's very unique and funky, a cool gal all around. We exchanged emails so hopefully I'll talk to her soon.

On the way home, me and Lauren had a good talk. About how school sucks, the lack of freedom, the wonderfulness that awaits us in college next year, and then problems. I told her that people see me as a happy, positive person, but i really beat myself up emotionally. She kinda stopped and asked if i was hurting myself physically, but I said no, I wasn't taking it to that extreme like some of my other friends were. She was relieved, and to tell you the truth, i never thought I'd be one to hurt myself physically. Around one o' clock that night tho, after my shower, i was just sitting in the dim nightlight of my room, listening to Enya, when I took out a razor and cut my leg. The first cut drew some blood. And I was completely shocked by the power and exhilaration I felt from cutting myself. I was seriously disturbed. I have friends who I know cut themselves and I never understood why they did it. I guess now I do. After that first cut, the razor wouldn't work so I found a pin and started dragging it on my leg, fairly hard. Mostly, it didn't draw blood but made some nasty scrapes. I couldn't stop tho until I saw a little bit of blood. So finally I stopped put a bandaid on my thigh, and went to bed. I can't believe I did it. It's not that I have serious issues in my life. But I do feel the dull weight of the depression that I hide all the time. I don't know. Maybe it was just a one-time thing. But it's strange. Instead of feeling terrible or stupid after I cut myself, I felt better, happier. Like I was releasing all my stress in the cuts. It was so powerful, I wanted more of that feeling. I still do...

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Quasi-fighting [29 Oct 2003|07:41pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | Joe Cocker - A Little Help From My Friends ]

I kinda got in a small fight with Nessa and Lorne today. I wouldn't even qualify it as a fight tho. It's not a semi-fight. not a quasi-fight. Just one calorie, not much of a fight at all. lol ok so enough with the quoting. Yeah we were just hanging in the auditorium for drama, and they know i hate chicken so they ever-so-blatantly whispered to each other in front of me for two minutes then nessa stuck the chicken sandwich right in front of my face. hehe i thought i'd play along, so i snatched the sandwich and was all "uh oh lauren, what if i throw it away? uh oh, where's the trash" lol i thought it was funny anyway. and then she goes all "that's my dinner! not funny renee, give it back now" ok, so yeah. how come whenever all of three of us are together, i never feel in on the joke? i always feel like the third wheel, which if you've ever felt that way before, really sucks. i always feel like nessa and lauren are ganging up on me. i'm fine when i'm with each of them separately, but then they always have jokes i never get, i feel like a dope half the time. oh well. friendships arent perfect. i sent them emails apologizing. cuz that's what i do. i don't like staying mad at people, it makes me stressed. so i don't know if i was in the wrong, or if they were. who knows. i went through all that with Alyse and lord knows where that got me in that friendship. welp, i hope they're not too mad or anything. they shouldn't be, it was just a blurb. but i apologized anyway. there's not much i can do other than that, it's up to them to accept it or not.

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If the apocalypse comes, beep me [20 Oct 2003|03:38pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | Frank Sinatra - New York, New York ]

Today was pretty uneventful in the life of me. School, now i'm home, facing homework and a mini buffy marathon with my dvd's. Pretty much as basic as you can get. I miss buffy mucho. I didn't even watch the last 2 seasons, reason being that it sucked, but still. That was one of THE shows that i was addicted to during my early teens. I mean, it was practically a ritual to make sure i was sitting in front of the tv, with a tape in the vcr to record, every single tuesday. I remember the good old days of watching Buffy and Angel's turmoil, like when Angel went all 'grrrrr' again after they slept together. I mean, that was the good stuff. After angel left and the gang went to college tho, it all went downhill. Buffy became an uber-slut (she had sex almost every single episode, c'mon now!) and even my adorable oz left :( i knew it was the end when xander failed to be hilarious. Sigh. It's the same thing with my wonderful Roswell show. I loved it to death, but it too has departed me. I wish i still had some of those shows that'd die for. Ah well, I have my buffy dvd sets, that's what matters i guess. But where have all the good WB shows gone???

from "When She Was Bad" ~Season 2 premiere

Willow: She's been acting like such a B-I-T-C-H.
Giles: Willow, I think we're past the age where we have to spell words out loud.
Xander: a Bitka??

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It's sad that everything changes [13 Oct 2003|03:29pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]
[ music | Ani Difranco - School Night ]

Well, this weekend I did my annual trip to Salem with my friends for my birthday. How to describe it...i guess disappointing suits it best. I don't know, maybe my mind's just fucked up, i think i just expected it to be perfect and wonderful like the last two years, especially since this is most likely the last year i'll get to do it with nessa, lauren, and nicole. Nicole called me the night before we left and said she couldn't come, which sucked. And the trip started out ok. I took the SAT's that morning (which i think i did ok on, thankfully) and the ride there was fine, and we even did some fun shopping in all the cool Wiccan shops once we were there. Then some cute guy stopped Nessa and told her about some acoustic band playing at some coffee shop. So i said ok, it's not my particular fortay (i'm very much so into harder stuff) but i figured half an hour wouldn't be that bad, we could still do tons of stuff afterward right?? Yeah, well, it didn't turn out like that. We ended up spending an hour and a half standing watching two acoustic guys sing really bad emo lyrics. Needless to say, I was pissed. So yes, I sulked. I openly admit it, i was not very mature, but hey, it was my birthday weekend and i had just done the fucking coffee shop thing the night before!!!! But i thought we would still have time that night to do stuff. First we found my mom and decided to eat. But nessa and lauren didn't want to wait 45 minutes for a table. So we left Salem for the night and spent an hour trying to find someplace to eat, then another hour waiting for a table. if we had waited in salem we could have eaten and done about 10 other things during that time!!!!! argh. But hey, i figured we'd have all of Sunday to do the stuff i wanted. Weather on Sunday: monsoon. yup, so we spent the one good day doing lame, stuff we can do in worcester, and sunday we spent sloshing through rainy streets and doing more shopping. i know this journal probably makes me look like a whiny, immature brat. and you know what? sometimes that's probably true. but i started this journal to say how i really feel. so oh well. gotta go

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[03 Oct 2003|10:57pm]
[ mood | drained ]
[ music | Evanescence - My Immortal ]

So, my first jounal entry here. I've done the deadjournal, livejournal thing. Every single person I know reads those. I'm sick of not writing things because people will get pissed at me for speaking my mind. So nobody is going to know about this. I'm gonna say what i want, if people don't like it, they can go to hell.

Yesterday I went off to my senior retreat. We were supposed to bond with people that we didn't know that well. Yeah, right hehe. It wasn't that bad because I roomed with Lauren, Amanda, Laura, and Jess, but it was a lot of "who are you" exercises, which can get old after awhile. And Lauren decided to play the alienation game. She hung out with Amanda most of the time. She said she was sorry and that she has trouble budgeting her attention. Whatever. Part of me is just jealous i guess. I was talking to Laura about it. Nessa and Lauren are definitely my best friends. But they've known each other longer than they've known me. I know that if they had to choose, Nessa would choose Lauren and Lauren would choose Nessa. So I guess that leaves me out. Part of me is just so angry. I have these great friends, but yet I still feel apart from them. Like even if i'm the best friend in the world, as i often try to be, it doesn't matter. I don't know. Maybe they don't care about me at all. Yet I know they do. Nessa just spent 4 hours helping me edit my movie for my Emerson application. And my mom said she missed me over the phone, but when she came to pick us up, she was all moody and mad. Wow, I didn't know it was possible to do something wrong in 2 milliseconds, i guess i must have set a record. I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if any of them would really miss me...

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