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Laura

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[10 Jan 2005|07:19pm]
so, like... i'm alive and stuff.


since i last updated i:

-made amazing friends with a boy
-got into a fight with the aforementioned boy over marijuana
-made up with boy, but things are drastically different; our friendship is over
-went to warped tour with 7 of my best friends; got completely shitfaced in the hotel room for the first time
-went to college; love it for both educational and social reasons.
-joined drumline/su marching band, went to orlando with them, loved almost every minute i spent in that group
-went to a million stereotypical college parties (toga, hawaiian, halloween, crouse gone wild, etc) and only got drunk at 2 of them.
-made amazing friends with a different boy, plus tons more new people from college.
-smoked avec le phil (x2 + probably a lot more times to come, not gonna lie)
-went on 3 parent-free roadtrips
-completely lost the straightedge principles that i so loosely held on to in highschool, and i don't regret it.
-got a cell phone and have an unhealthy obsession with it.
-visited my cousin for the first time in about 2 years. brought phil with me, and we visited some friends from college. went into the city, as well. that was this past weekend, and it was highly enjoyable.



and that's about it.

bye!
(Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[08 May 2004|09:25pm]
last night, he came from behind and stood real close. put his arms around my shoulders and his head upon mine. i was cold. he was warm.





i had a feeling of love that i haven't felt in a very long time.
(Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[06 Apr 2004|10:32am]
I only wish that it wasn't true.









And i want more than anything to be able to stop crying about this. But i can't.



I am sick in the head, and sick in the stomach. I feel like shit, all around.
(Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[18 Mar 2004|09:41am]
[ mood | something. ]

Yesterday was a stupid day, but what troubles me is the fact that is was only stupid for about an hour and half, but that hour and a half made the rest of the day stupid.


Winter percussion makes me feel useless, worthless, untalanted and any other synonym you could think of for those words. It makes me angry and frustrated and it makes me cry for no visibly good reason in front of my friends. Tomorrow, we are leaving to go to a WGI regional in Philidelphia and i do not want to go one bit. I have about 2 friends in winter percussion and the rest i am only friends with when they want to be friends with me. Then there are the ones who used to be some of my best friends, but people grow apart and now it hurts to watch them share the same jokes that they would have been sharing with me last summer.


Right now i'm the most emotionally unstable that i've been since 10th grade and i feel shitty about 85% of the time. I just hide it well, but today i can't. I've reached a breaking point and what scares me is that next week is hell week (2:30-10pm rehearsals every day) and if i'm this messed up right now, how will i feel next week? Plus, i have to go to winter percussion rehearsals a couple times that week. I don't know. If I have to go back to musical rehearsal feeling the way that i did last night every time, i don't think i can handle it.

For about a week or so, i was feeling amazing. I was happy and pretty much all aspects of my life were looking good. And somewhere along the line, everything came crashing down and i don't know when and i don't know how. And it occured to me that i don't have much stability in my life, so why would i be a stable person? The only thing, at the moment, that i can think of that is constant in my life is my hatred for AP economics. Seriously. No matter what happens, i always hate being in economics class, i hate doing economics homework, and i hate taking economics tests. I hate Mr. Burrer's teaching style. I hate his grading system. I hate his paranoia and his lack of a soul/heart. What a wonderful thing to have as stability!

And i guess it's constant that i always love tech. I love painting and building and managing. Even more so, i love the people because they actually care about me and i care about them too. I will always love tech i think and i will always love the people that are there. Most of my happy highschool memories and memories of tech. It's funny because when i started high school, the most important thing i ever did was marching band or band related things. I picked up tech because Rob did it and i wanted to be involved with the musical, but i suck at singing. Now it's the end of high school, and i care more about stage crew than i did about marching band. I still love regular band, but i tend to enjoy myself more when i'm teching. That's a good constant, i think.

To all the techies that could ever read this: i love you guys and thanks for being something good and stable in my life. couldn't make it through this shit without you, i don't think.









in other news, i am falling for someone and despite the forementioned shitty feelings, it makes me happy. it's about the only thing that does right about now. oy.

1 Conscience (Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[23 Feb 2004|09:53am]
it's almost like falling
i could swear i was falling
it's almost like being in love






<3



it's been a good week.
(Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[13 Feb 2004|09:55am]
Finding literary criticism on Carl Sandburg is a bitch.


I might just.. you know.. not do this assignment. I don't fucking care. I'm already accepted to college, and signed the registration and shit. And they can only drop me if i fail, so THAT THAT, DUTELLE.
-----


So, uh, how are you all doing? good? I'm glad.

My 'valentine' gave me a used valentine for valentine's day. Hahahahah. I heart the Marky, he makes me happy. Even if he reuses valentines on me.


My laptop is a pimped out with a Will & Grace themed desktop. I can see how jealous you all are. PSHAW!
(Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[11 Feb 2004|01:27pm]
This just in:

I hate the fucktards in my gym class.

That is all.
(Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[09 Feb 2004|10:21am]
so, so what did she think?
it's fine but it's not her thing

so what did he say?
the music's alright
but he hates the way you sing

they're saying terrible things
about you at the shows
they're all wanting to hurt you
they all want to let you know
they don't approve
of your big move


-----

Errr, yeah.


gay guys =
(Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[02 Feb 2004|09:29am]
you say that we got nothing in common
no common ground to start from
and we're falling apart
you say that you think this is over
well, i hate when things are over
cause so much is left undone
-----


Um. I never update here, but i read it a lot, so never fear.

In case anyone is interested (seriously doubting that one), things have been alright i guess. Been hanging out with crazy techies, tech for the musical starting, i hate winter percussion with a burning passion, and economics still makes me feel like dying.

Eh, my life isn't interesting even if i pretend that it is. Yep yep.
(Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[24 Jan 2004|07:49pm]
[ mood | upset ]

my friends dont like me.

1 Conscience (Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[06 Jan 2004|05:12pm]

he says

i feel

like home









...he says... he loves me.
(Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[27 Dec 2003|06:36pm]
Mmm, closure is super nice. Today was cool, but weird. A lot of things are cleared for me and i feel so much better. Life is super good right now.

But, will it last? Eh, who knows. It should last through the night since my sister is bringing my spinocolli pizza from UNOS!!!!! It's amazing. *drool* If you've never had it, i would highly recommend it.

I bought The Virgin Suicides on DVD today. It is a positively smashing movie. I could watch it over and over. Leave it to my family to be as loud as possible at the part where it's really important to be able to hear what's going on. Bah. I guess it means i'll just have to watch it again, oh damn.

Been off school for a week and that has been heavenly. Got one more week to go. Fuck yes.

How was all of your Christmas's?? Mine was really nice.
(Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[16 Dec 2003|09:38pm]
[ mood | loved ]

your arms in mine
a n y t i m e
wouldn't trade anything
you're still my everything
to my surprise
before my eyes
you arrived
don't worry, i'll catch you
don't worry, i'll catch you
don't ever worry


I never got to tell you before, but... i love you. ;)
-----

Feeling better. Lots better. I like friends.

And now for my most genius moment of the day:

piebald91488: puncuation, makes it happen
thnkwutuwant: of course
thnkwutuwant: sex can wait, punctuate?

Heh.

3 Consciences (Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[16 Dec 2003|10:02am]
[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | youre so vain. i bet you think this song is about you. ]

I cried myself to sleep last night. It was horrible.

It was so bad that i had to sit up, rock back and forth and repeat to myself over and over "It's okay, you're okay, he's still here, he loves you, just stop." I can't even begin to explain why or how this happened. I was trying so hard to fall asleep. Lately i've been missing Andrew more than usual. I don't even know why. Maybe because it's the holiday and we usually see each other around now... except that we won't this year and it's been like 10 months since i last saw him. I just miss him so much and when i get like this i start to feel extremely lonely and friendless. I was just lying there thinking about whatever, when my mind started to wonder what it'd be like if Andrew wasn't around or - even worse - if i lost him. It was so scary. I just started crying and i couldn't help it. It was so bad. Suddenly images of Andrew laying in the casket like grandpa did flew into my head and it was almost like i was going insane. I just couldn't handle it.

It's scary to think that i could lose him at any moment ... just because. And it's scarier to think that i'd lose him having not seen him in months.

It's so hard to have your bestfriend living so far away. I never see him and i don't have anyone to pour my heart out to here like i can to him. And, of course, no one understands like he does. I miss sitting around on the couch playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater and eating junk food. I miss staying up until 6am, going to sleep, and waking back up at 10:30 only to stay up until 6am again the next morning. I miss feeling.. no.. KNOWING that someone cares and that i care. I still know he cares and of course i still care, but it's different when we're together.

You'd think that now that i have my license and car, i could go to long island at my leisure, but my parents are so overprotective; they'd never let me drive through the city without one of them there with me.

Of course i love my friends i have here... but everyone has a best friend and everyone knows how it's different. Truth be told, i don't know what i'd do without my liverpool friends either. I'd be lost if i lost just about anyone. It'd just be more... affective without Andrew.

Eh, my ramblings never ever make sense. I feel kind of stupid now. Whatever.

It's just... Andrew.. i know you read this every so often. I miss you so incredibly much. I love you, too.

1 Conscience (Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[10 Dec 2003|09:43am]
[ mood | angry ]

So, the list went up.

David - Harold Hill
Taryn Engelbreston - Marian
Behzad - Harold's sidekick
Wesley - Mayor
Erika - Mayor's wife

The last three have actual names, i just can't remember them. The show is Music Man. I think it'll be cool. Chelsea didn't get a part at all and i'm a bad person and it think that's fabulous. Honestly, with the way she acted and the problems she cause for casting hall, how could she expect to be the star again? She starred for our school play and caused more drama than anyone wanted to deal with. So much so that the techies (my portion of this activity) were so angered as to host their own cast party. She's a self-inportant drama queen who has a knack at making herself out to be the victom of any problem. It's disgusting. I used to be able to tolerate Chelsea, but since her actions i can't even respect her. She has no respect for me or my techies, so i hope she doesn't think that we'll give our respect towards her. There are people who actually appreciate the work we put forward, and in return techies appreciate their hard work and their talents.

Like David. He told me so many times throughout casting hall that he appreciated my hard work.. and all the time i put in for this. He's a nice kid and i'm so glad to have him as a friend. He's very polite. He's determined for things to be the best he can be, but he's no out to hurt anybody in the process. He knows his limits. He knows what's okay to say/do and what's not. Not to mention, he's hilarious. Heh. I like friends.

-----

Speaking of friends... last night i went to Katie's boyfriend's swim meet at the high school. He's from CNS and the meet was against our school. I didn't even know, but i guess we're the defending champions for a few years or somthing. Whatever, i'm not much for school spirit, but she asked me to go. It was kind of cool, but really confusing if you know nothing about the sport. CNS's team is pretty bad, but they're all trying so it's cool. There were some girls from CNS and one i know from school, Julie, who were shouting out and cheering for Sean (boyfriend). Shouting things like "We love you Sean!" and crap. One of them was wearing a shirt with Sean's name on it and kept running up to him to hug him and shit. She was obnoxious. Of course, Katie was angery because she didn't know this chick and she was throwing herself all over her boyfriend. We went to say hi to Sean afterwords, and then left.

This morning, I saw Julie in the hallway and asked her about the girl with the tee shirt. "Oh, that's Melissa!" I asked her why she was wearing a shirt with Sean's name on it because.. that's Katie's boyfriend. She said "Yeah, i know" and laughed. Then she told me that Sean's mom told Melissa to wear the shirt and all those girls to cheer for Sean to purposely make Katie angry. Seriously, wtf? I told her that it was mean. She said "No, it was funny". I said "That's horrible. You know, Katie's really upset." And she laughed again and said "Oh well." I wanted to fucking punch her. I toyed with the thought of asking her how she'd feel in a situation like this, but knew i'd get a bullshit answer like "I wouldn't care." Yeah, okay. She also told me not to tell Katie that because if she said something to Sean and he told his mother, Julie would get in trouble for "blabbing".

Fuck that. Katie's one of my best friends, of course i'm going to tell her. That kind of behavior from both the mother and the girls who agreed to do it is just unacceptable. I hope they all go to hell for that. It's one thing to do something like that innocently because you're friends with someone. It's another thing to do it deliberatly to make someone else feel like shit. I'm so disgusted by all of it. I left Katie last night panicing that something was going on with her boyfriend that she didn't know... or that some girl was trying to get into his pants. And, is it overreacting? I wouldn't think so because i would be confused/hurt to. I mean, this girl was skinny, tanned, and pretty. She's an easy threat.

I haven't seen Katie yet. Chances are she's at home because she was getting sick last night in addition to all the other crap. The first chance i get, i'm going to tell her about it. She deserves to know that it was all a fluke. Even if this information hurts her still, she'll at least know that nothing's going on between Sean and Melissa.

This just pisses me off so much. Katie already knows that Sean's mother doesn't like her. I knew to. I thought that, being a grown adult, she'd have more decency than to try and sabotage her son's relationship because she doesn't like the girlfriend. I've had plenty of boyfriends my parents didn't like, but they just let me play the game by myself and only stepped in when i asked. Even if they didn't agree... they let me handle it myself. It just makes me wonder how selfish you have to be to be so low. I don't even know Sean's mother, but i can already compare her to someone our age because that's something a teenager would do - not a grown woman with a husband and children. How disgusting.

Alright, i'm done ranting, but i really had to get that out to someone/thing. I'm so angered by this all - and it doesn't even involve me. It's just that Katie's my friend and I love her.

Man, this sucks.

2 Consciences (Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[08 Dec 2003|11:51am]
I'm so booked for this entire week. It's insane.

Schedule:

Monday (aka today): Winter Percussion 5:30-9pm; Find a poet for English class; Homework
Tuesday: Oboe lesson 5:30-6pm; homework and tons of it, i'm sure.
Wednesday: Winter Percussion 5:30-9pm; homework
Thursday: Volunteer work at Donlin Drive Elementary 2:30-3:30 (won't get home until 4; Piano lesson 4:30-5:30; homework
Friday: Playing Exam: 10am-???; Piano Recital 7pm-9:30 or so.
Saturday: Work 5-11; shamelessly flirt with my cute co-worker (with glasses!) 5-11.
Sunday: Probably work 4-8; homework

-----

Cast for the musical is to be found out today. David already told me anything important because Mrs. Dutelle blabbed it all to him. He didn't tell me specifics, but told me i'd be happy. So, that means he must be the Music Man and he told me straight up that Chelsea is NOT Marian, which pleases me like he promised. He told me the two choices for Marian and i like one more than the other, as does he. We're hoping. I might even stay around the meeting today because i'm so intersted (or nosey, take your pick) about who's giong where. I'm also sadistic because i want to watch Chelsea cry when she realizes she's not the star this time. She got her chance to be the star for Casting Hall and she fucked up.

I'm out.
(Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[28 Nov 2003|11:47pm]
what part of 'no' don't you understand?
i want a man, not a boy who thinks he can



(shutup, i <3 the spice girls.)
(Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[20 Nov 2003|09:38am]
I slept last night for the first time in about a week in a half. It was glorious.

Wait Until Dark (school play) opens tonight and i'm nervous. I'm afraid that the new mics might blow; we haven't used them before. I'm afraid the fridge sound won't work, or it'll be early or late.

Out to Applebee's after school with the gang. I can't wait. Garlic-Crusted shrimp ceaser salad? Yes.

Yesterday was dark day (theater thing), so i went out to Starbucks with Christine, Mike, Bill and Todd. It was extremely fun. I have a huge affection for comfy chairs at Starbucks and carmel machiattos with friends.

I'm wearing all black and white socks. I couldn't find my black ones. I hope no one is too disgusted with me :). Maybe i'll just tell people i'm pretending to be Michael Jackson as opposed to wearing my blacks because the show is today.

I freaking hate economics. Could this class be a little bit more boring?
(Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[18 Nov 2003|12:01pm]
lost in you
and i can't find myself again


<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

i'm stupid.
(Leave your conscience at the tone.)

[12 Nov 2003|10:28pm]
Felt like old times tonight. Felt so good. I needed that.


But, above all:

I need you. More than you could ever know.
(Leave your conscience at the tone.)

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