||[05 Jul 2004|09:21pm]
I didn't end up sleeping much last night.
Finally went off at about 12. Woke up again at 2am and remained in a half asleep and half awake mode till 4am when my alarm went off and I decided to get my ass out of bed. Work was easy, and went by fairly quickly. I'm not working again untill Thursday. But.... its still work. I get some sort of Money on Friday. But I have so many bills and money outstanding to things its impossible to figure out how much I have to play with. Probably none. I think I have a $300 phone bill comming my way. Unfortunately. But you get that. How does one make 10 hours of phone calls within a week. By being bored out of their fucking brains thats how. Oh and being in the middle of nowhere. But having an interesting person to talk to for once was good. I like it when I can talk to someone and not have to censor my words and thoughts and really think about what I can and can't say. It was good just to talk and not have to worry. Most of the time.
I think thats why I'm so fucking emo at the moment. Or one of the many many reasons. Because I feel fucking lonely all a sudden. I want to talk to someone damnit. Sophie has told me to ring her whenever. But meh, but she promised that if I get drunk and eat (half a) tub of ice-cream when depressed again, she won't tell a soul this time. Unlike last time... But meh.. there is only so many times you can talk about how fucking emo you are. But just to talk about absolute shit is good. Or something. I think I lost that paragraph half way through the 3rd sentence.
But yes, talking would be good. Snapping out of emotivitness would be good too. Listening to Faithless at the moment. Don't know if it is working. Better then some of the other songs it was earlier. Now its the Cure. Didn't know there was a new cd released. Knew there was one going to happen. But didn't know when. Might go and purchase it sometime soon. Maybe some other CDs as well. God knows I need more(!). Nah, shopping list for next week is new underwear. Because I don't have enough and I have the money to burn (I wish). No, wearing only 6 different sets for my holidays took the glean of my nice new and pretty ones. So now, am sick of them. Problem: to be solved by new ones. (How random is that paragraph?)
(Ok, panic attacking again) (Mildly)
I know what sets them off most of them time. Most of the time. When sitting here calm and decided to go onto the Livid Forums, since I haven't been there in a while, and die. Completely die. So I talk to Matt for a while, and all is good. I forgot who I once was on there. So now I'm back to my usual name on Forums. Why I didn't use it for these journals I will never know.
Matt is super extra cool to talk too. Keeps me entertained. Untill I get sidetracked and don't talk at all. Kinda like how Ryan keeps me entertained and makes me laugh. Or how I make myself get entertained. Take yesterday. I'm going to Evas. Mara and me are sitting in the car, driving about. We are about five minutes away from her house. We have been driving for 15 already. It takes 10-15mins max to get there. Tamara fianlly asks, do you even remember where you are going. I am in the negative on this one, I reply. I totally forgot how to get there, and just kept driving. We finally got there, in a weird roundabout way. I just totally totally forgot. I laugh at myself.
(I've got round bandaids on my arm, longing for...)
I think hot chocolate is a good mood pick me up thing. I feel mildly happier now. B just rung me too. Makes me even happier. Just wanted to know if I wanted to do anything. But no, I'm having a night in, or more so, I have no idea what to do. So now I sit and write. Jumping all over the place, wanting to say everything, but sometimes not knowing how to say it, or in what order, or what to let forwrds and want to hold back and keep close to me.
David is currently begging me to go and take photos. David being Mars Boy. I have the realisation I already have 6 rolls of film burning a hole in my desk waiting to be developed. How lazy am I? Or is it lack of funds, or something. Maybe I am ashamed of my work, and never want to see it. No, I have resigned myself to working my ass of at Uni this semester. I have enough practical lessons to kill me, but I want to do damn well. Oh and I decided, Photography it is for Intermedia. Printmaking and Jewelery it is for the others. But that may be because I have no choice in the matter. But but but, cannot wait for either of them. Have decided to do photography for print media too. I think. Or maybe I would like to actually do some print work, because it looks beautiful. I have never done some, other then lino cutting, and that for me is ok. But I get really worked on the fine detail, its my wanting to do work faster and getting sidetracked that makes me screw up my work. Sometimes.
I was told today that yes, they missed me at work. But, no, they didn't miss my sarcastic and caustic sense of humour. Which I am like at work. Because I can get away with it? Yes and no. I just hate how stupid some people are and the rest. Its like, dude, its food, yeah sure it helps you live, but if you want to live, live well. Don't kill yourself by eating junk. Make your own food. And don't get shitty at me because there is a wait. Ever heard of getting up earlier, planning time wisely, giving yourself time alowances? No wonder so many people are so so wound up. Yes I am, but over food? When I could have done it myself? If I could have gotten off my ass and made it myself? Or perhaps being patient and realising that not everything can be given to you within 3 seconds of your demand. Sometimes I need to learn that lesson, myself though. At least I know it though. I'm not as bad as I once was.
Looks at phone. Its not ringing. I want friends or something.
I hope I'm not getting into that, I need no sleep, lets just stay up all night and not do much except twiddle thumbs. Or be a complete insomaniac. Which I feel may happen. I've barely been asleep in the last 4 days. But then, I think it might be because of the attacks and the rest. So maybe, hopefully it'll calm down in a few days. If not, off to the doctors I go. To get Valium, because it doesn't work for me, because I still panic. But maybe there is something else for me. I don't know. But god.... I feel like taking something at the moment. Theres a few dozen things in the cupboard over there. Which my mum comes and steals! I think she thinks I must take the weirdest things. Nope, I just get scripts filled and don't take them. I have a great medical cabinet. Actually, these really strong migrane tablets might come in use right now. They work for me. Knock me out.
And Harry just walked in and scared the jebezzus out of me.
I have a numb big toe. Hey my spinal problems are kicking in again. Wow, maybe I'll wake tomorrow and not be able to walk properly with my left leg. Which is almost fucked after my accident at work. Speaking of which. My legs are just plain fucking sore anyway. Huge pain under by right breast too. I'm sick of them being sore. Thinking about taking out the piercings, how ever much I love them. What do you think? Yeah, I don't know either. I have taken one out in the vain hope that it might be the problem, but I'm not sure if it is. I want to get the re-pierced, just for the fun of it. It feels so damn good. Sophie doesn't think so, she reckons I'm a sucker for pain getting them done, and actually enjoying the experience. Oh I'd love to be with someone getting theirs done and holding their hand and seeing the whole thing. Mesmerises me. Such a beautiful piece of skin being skewered with this lovely shiny piece of metal. Whos up for hand holding?
Speaking of nipples, its fucking cold in here. Wow, like usual, my room, 5 degrees, me sitting in almost nothing, blue hands and rock hard and sore nipples. Yes, everyone needed to know that.
Actually, maybe I should take them all out. Every single one of them. I've been toying with the idea, every so often. Telling you what, I think I'm about to loose the ones in my nose. But still thinking about getting my septum done or perhaps my side lip for my birthday. Maybe. Or stars on my body. In all sorts of places.
I have just gotten to the realisation I have typed and typed without saying to much, whineing alot and being very very random. But, who cares, my journal, correct. Don't censor yourself, thats what I shouldn't do. If it annoyes someone, they shouldn't read it, leave it. Or something.
Or something, easily becoming my favourite phrase of the moment.
Awesome things I got in Perth:
The Art of Kissing book. This book rocks. Do I mention that I love stuff written in this era (40's) and the naiveitivity (sp?) of it.
Peticoats, about four of them.
A friend. You know, because thats always important. Unless of course its completely unwanted. Which this isn't, so I'm guessing I won't be whining about this one.
A multicoloured umbrella. You wouldn't understand.
Dog bite scars on my feet. I guess you could say dogs don't like my feet.
The realisation that Australia is almost always the same, no matter what side of the continent you are on.
Oh and numerous things have changed in the 2.5 weeks I was away. Really, they have. Slightly muchly.
There is a new ticketing system for public transport. Its all in zones now. Like evry other capital city in Australia. Just took us a while to catch on.
New procedures at work.
New items on menu at work.
439857230-54570284750249857259872349587 new people at work. But then its like this every second week.
About 5 new op-shops in Woodridge. Really, its the most derroest place in the world. Serious.
All of these new buildings appeared. And work started on other things.
The place, in comparason to WA, is DEAD. Its all yuck and horrible and not green and bleh. I thought it was nice before we left. But did it all of a sudden just die or am I just used to the green of Perth?
I have been typing this on and off for the last 2 hours. Is it time to stop?
I have other things to type. I think I'll just keep them private. Yeah, I might. I will.
Oooh, I just found Sandi's Livejournal. Girl I go to Uni with. She paid me out for having one! o_O I don't understand some people sometimes.
Nah, keeping on writing tonight. Just not on here. I might post some pictures or a story later. Or possibly not, because I mightn't have anything to say tomorrow.
Goodnight, sending my love out to all.