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[14 Jul 2004|10:38pm] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | mum - i'm 9 today ] I am seriously torn up inside and all over tonight. I am about to just completely have a screaming match with anyone who would like too. Just give me a punching bag right now. Really, it might help. Especially with making me sleep tonight, I need to be exhausted to sleep. Especially at the moment, I haven't fallen alseep before 12 in 2 weeks, I need to be up at 5am tomorrow, oh joy. I don't know how to begin and I don't know how to say how I am feeling right now. Not to give it the justice it deserves. And to make it sound remotely what it is ment to be about. I should just cut and paste the whole msn convo and maybe that will give it some clarity. Or make it worse, either or. But maybe I am being a little dramtic at the moment. Actually, no, I don't think I am. Because I am sick of being strung up by the wrists and left drain, or something. If I ignore it, it will go away, but is that what I want? Answer: No. ---------------------------------------- I spent the lovely day in the city today. It was good, really good. There was only one little storm cloud today. A little one. Which slowly disolved. (and right then has reappeared) I went in with Sheree early on and collected results from uni and made sure my timetables are cool and the rest. (Go Uni on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday) I then booked a hair dressers appointment for three in the afternoon. We cruised around for a while, ran into Sandi and Josh, spoke to them in the middle of the road for a while. The off I went, bought drinks from Starbucks. Sheree didn't know what to do, then decided she would go home, because she thought I needed to go out with S and J, especially once I explained to her who J was. So then I was by myself. So I CD shopped. I now have 5 bright and shiny new cds. All listened too in fast forward in my car one the way home, because that is how I listen to new CDs. By listening to the first 30seconds of a song then fast forwarding till the next. Unless the song catches me. I ran into Alex, spoke to him for a while. He was looking Unber cute today. I loved his pink tie. I also ran into Sophie, who was in a rocking mood. She is getting a double lip piercing paid for by the boy who just dumped her. So hence the happiness. Also filled me in on everyones sex life, which annoys the absofucking crap out of me, why she can't just keep it to herself, or not find out, I'll never know. But yes. I ran into Chi. I also ran into Rebecca, who is lovely. Shes going to be my new best friend. Or something. So I hung about her for a while untill she met up with Jed. Then I left to go home. I got my hair cut, I don't think I like it. At all. I hate my hair. End of story. It doesn't do anything at all. So they tried putting in "texture", which basically ment they butchered my hair on the ends and made it all different lengths and the like. I also have an even bigger emo fringe. I'm going to buy dye sometime in the next fornight and dye it deep red again. I'm sick of strawberry blonde. Actually, I'm sick of blonde. Plus, red goes with my new found love for green eye makeup. (I'm wrapped up in a doona at the moment, its really cold tonight) Should I have bought Pop Will Eat Itself today? Should I have gotten Radioheads HTTT Record for 17 bucks. Or even Placebos Black Market record for 17, but then, I really don't like Black Market that much, so no, probably not. There was so much stuff I wanted to get today. Like New Orders Retro set... drool worthy that one ($100 though!). I need to save for Muse. Unfortunately its 18+ in the end. So yes, I was in my element today. I haven't been to the city in a month. So I was happy. Very happy. I didn't want to go home. At all. But unfortunately had to because I have to work at 6am tomorrow and might like to get some sleep for it. I don't want to be at home tonight. I really don't. It has this effect of reminding me of things, maybe when I'm out I just try and forget, and I guess I do. And tonight I'm thinking. Way to much. And about how things look awesome when you look at them close. I keep on resting my head on the monitor, and am entranced by the corner of the monitor. I am easily amused, Or maybe thats what I like to try and photograph some days. I like my shower screen shots, actually, I might put one up. Maybe. I have rambled more then what I wanted tonight. And said nothing about what I wanted to say. 2 comments|post comment

[09 Jul 2004|08:54pm] There are many reasons why I am so poor. Take this afternoon for example. Sheree and me went on a little shopping binge. Within I wound up with: 1x black shirt thing that wraps around me and falls of the shoulder and can be worn as a dress, and looks really good 1x necklace that is silver and pearls and lots of little fine chains 1x pair of work shoes 1x pair of chinese slipper things, that I will wear out, and look like a complete mong head lip gloss and eyeshadow 1x pair of black lacy undies with pink lace on the front and suspenders attached to them 1 $100 lay-by at Bras'n Things, which will be beautiful when I can finally get it! I was not allowed nears cd or book shops, and the only reason I was allowed in the underwear shop was because Sheree wanted to go in. She knows me too well and the list may have been bigger if I had been in them. I am never allowed to winge I never have money ok? I spend money faster then I can collect it. And I wonder why I never have savings. Oh and I hardly buy anything I need. Quite often crap. See slippers. Oh and its not as if I don't have enough black shirts. Or even lip gloss, but I do hate running out of it. In other news: MUSE are touring. Oh my! I will so not be missing this one. Twice in one year! Its been a good year, folks. Tickets may be a little hard to get on this one. But we will see. I wouldn't mind seeing them more then once, but that may be a little difficult. Or expensive. Either or. I still have great aspirations of a certain Band comming, that may be awesomeness to get tickets too, interstate as well. I'm still feeling scmeh. Bouncing between happiness and extreme sadness, it kinda scares me. Just a little. I'm incredibly tired at the moment, but, once again, is my stupid fault. I might go to bed at a decent time tonight. But might not, I have work tomorrow at 5am, but the next 5 days off, maybe plenty of time to catch up, maybe. Ment to be going to B's tomorrow afternoon, before jetting to the Valley Fiesta. I'm not too sure if I want to be there. As for the valley fiesta, I probably should go, its not as if I have much the next day. Or few days. I wouldn't mind curling up in someone elses bed tomorrow night or tonight. But not at Sophies, I'm sick of going there. I love my bed, but don't want to go home alot of the time. Its a weird situation or so. I think I'm feeling lonely at the moment. Maybe I'll just go out with Sheree tomorrow night. Crash at her joint. Who knows. In the random mode: I want to visit Japan. I need to get away, going there seems like a good idea. Maybe Melbourne will do. Maybe that is what the tax return will go towards. I've just been on holidays I've come back much more worn out and moods all over the place then when I went. Maybe Uni could help. Who knows. I just need to get away. From what? Everything. I think I just need me and alone and somewhere different, then here. Maybe I just need the alone, and maybe just here will do. I miss Jenni. And Josh. (Although, who the fuck knows why I miss him?) I think I need to talk to someone, although not just anyone. Flowers I can do without I don't wanna be tied down White material will stain My pocket knife's gotta shiny blade I'm not trying to cause a fuss I just wanna make my own fuck-ups I'm not trying to break your heart I'm just trying not to fall apart 2 comments|post comment

[07 Jul 2004|10:45pm] I somehow just lost a whole entry. Oh well. I'll just continue I guess. I'm trying to write at the moment and it seems a little hard. I'm just finding it difficult to tell how I am feeling at the moment. I'm a little sick of feeling so sad and the rest. But then you get that. As long as you are happy. My English teacher always tried to tell me that if you were having trouble writing, and it seemed jumbled, try writing small, simple sentences and then build it up from there. I have always wondered if it ends up making you look simpleton. And I'm not sure if it works. I'm going to try and sum up the last 24 hours, hopefully with some clarity. If it works or not, I'm not sure. But I do want to write and record. I like doing so. Last night T and me ended up going and seeing Mean Girls. I liked the film. It was well done, interesting, amusing and not to pretentious. I like it when movies are not too pretentious and don't try and achieve something thats out of their reach or doesn't quite work. But it did little in the way of bringing much to the screen. The movie Clueless springs to mind. But I still enjoyed it. I don't like it when movies are "typical hollywood blockbusters", I do really prefer arthouse and left of the middle films. Sometimes even docos. My friends don't understand this and Nick, who works in a videoshop, always laughs at me when I can never get the movie I want to see. You know no movie shop within the area (and its quite a few) has Wim Wender's Wings of Desire. That was particually annoying when I wanted to watch it for some backround information for Uni. But yes, see Mean Girls, because, if nothing else, it is amusing and will make you laugh. Afterwards T and me went onwards to E's house. We didn't really want to go home. Shortly after ariving E and me wound up in her mothers bed curled under the blankets talking to each other, agonizing over small things and being the generally unhappy people we can be sometimes. It also didn't help that she was incredibly drunk and also high. She was crying about Matt. I felt so sorry for her, I know what she is feeling, and it is such a horrible horrible feeling and I hate (and embrace) it so much. After comforting her and retelling stories about myself and other snippits of information others have passed onto me, we began to feel slightly better. Which, I guess, is better then nothing. All of a sudden she sits up looks at me and asks me whats the deal between Chris and me. I look at her really surprised and dumbfounded. I ask slowly and trying to get my words out without fucking up what she was asking. Then T looks at me and asks me too. To which I ask them how can there be a deal when someone lives 4000km away from you? E and T look at me to say they are not dumb. I then get scared, dive back under the doona and burst into tears. E and T figure out the 6 and 7 equals 11 and J is not very happy. Why? Because she is as confused as fuck. Why else had she been acting so weirded out for the last few days and geeting pretty unhappy at certain times. E then tried to tell me what to do. I tell her to go away, because it will not happen. I think he hates me and will never talk to me again. Which is my "I'm a delusional fuckhead and think everyone hates me" mood. Which may or may not be true. But I asked, after E had to ring, because I quite clearly couldn't, and he said he didn't. Still not convinced. Yeah, thats me. Onwards and upwards. I am, of course, now to scared to talk to him, but probably will, because I can (or cannot) be stupid like that. So you get that. But then, Sophie hadn't been helping me, and I told E and T this. I hate her sometimes, she tells me the dumbest things and puts the most horrid thoughts into my mind and the rest. When I was on holidays I spoke to her and told her what had been happening and how I had been speaking to him, she then proceded to tell me that the only reason why he was talking to me was so that when I wind back in Perth all of it can happen again. I told her to fuck off and it wasn't true. She told me to believe what I wanted to believe, then asked why I was still talking to him. To which I told her that I actually thought he was one of the nicest and interesting people I had met in quite some time and I was actually interested, unlike her who just seems to use boys for her toys. She ums and ahs over this for a while and told me to take it how I will and I am stupid just not leaving it and forgetting it (which is the last thing I currently want to do). What the hell am I ment to think after this? She annoys me sometimes, on Saturday she slept with more people then I have in my life, god I wish she would realise she has more to offer the world other then her vagina. (Ok, slightly of tracking here) After our bits and pieces at E's we go home. I finally get to sleep at 2am. I am dragged out of bed at 11am this morning by T, who wants to go material shopping. I oblige after she pokes and prods me and tells me to snap out of it. After a bit of that we go to E's house again, where she is in a much better mood. Then her Mother and Brother get home. I really get scared when she lets fly at her Mother and Brother. And she did today, we just don't know what to do, so we just sit around quitely. Then she begs her Mother to buy a $300 guitar off e-bay, this is after calling her mum and brother all sorts of things and screaming at them. Her Mother obliges, she misses the time by about a few minutes, then shes off again. I then just want to leave, I can't handle that kind of shit. So we do. I then sit about the house and do not alot, read and play on the puter. And thats why I am here. (p.s Chris, thanks for telling me about Mogwai, awesome.) post comment

[06 Jul 2004|12:23am] Photos of myself. Or various sections of. post comment

[06 Jul 2004|12:20am] I was just reading through old entries. There is some nice stuff in there. And alot of crap. Man I'm glad I am not agonizing over B or some other mundane thing anymore. I wish I would just delete it all. But that would be stupid. I wish I didn't look like some kind of uhhh, I don't know, with some of those entries. But in this instance, I'd keep it there and not bother. Some of my older ones, particularly the ones that don't manage to make it online are great. So are my hand written ones. I like the ones where I am removed from the whole B thing. Most of it, only some of it. And some of the C thing. But then. Personal ones are the best. I like. Alot. I guess I just spill the not so personal and deep thoughts onto this public forum, and keep the rest. But I like it when I spill. and hope I continue to do so. I just wish I could write like Sia. Alot of passion and conviction that girl. I'd do anything to be able to read that journal again. post comment

YesterdayWasDramaticTodayIsOk [05 Jul 2004|09:21pm] I didn't end up sleeping much last night. Finally went off at about 12. Woke up again at 2am and remained in a half asleep and half awake mode till 4am when my alarm went off and I decided to get my ass out of bed. Work was easy, and went by fairly quickly. I'm not working again untill Thursday. But.... its still work. I get some sort of Money on Friday. But I have so many bills and money outstanding to things its impossible to figure out how much I have to play with. Probably none. I think I have a $300 phone bill comming my way. Unfortunately. But you get that. How does one make 10 hours of phone calls within a week. By being bored out of their fucking brains thats how. Oh and being in the middle of nowhere. But having an interesting person to talk to for once was good. I like it when I can talk to someone and not have to censor my words and thoughts and really think about what I can and can't say. It was good just to talk and not have to worry. Most of the time. I think thats why I'm so fucking emo at the moment. Or one of the many many reasons. Because I feel fucking lonely all a sudden. I want to talk to someone damnit. Sophie has told me to ring her whenever. But meh, but she promised that if I get drunk and eat (half a) tub of ice-cream when depressed again, she won't tell a soul this time. Unlike last time... But meh.. there is only so many times you can talk about how fucking emo you are. But just to talk about absolute shit is good. Or something. I think I lost that paragraph half way through the 3rd sentence. But yes, talking would be good. Snapping out of emotivitness would be good too. Listening to Faithless at the moment. Don't know if it is working. Better then some of the other songs it was earlier. Now its the Cure. Didn't know there was a new cd released. Knew there was one going to happen. But didn't know when. Might go and purchase it sometime soon. Maybe some other CDs as well. God knows I need more(!). Nah, shopping list for next week is new underwear. Because I don't have enough and I have the money to burn (I wish). No, wearing only 6 different sets for my holidays took the glean of my nice new and pretty ones. So now, am sick of them. Problem: to be solved by new ones. (How random is that paragraph?) (Ok, panic attacking again) (Mildly) I know what sets them off most of them time. Most of the time. When sitting here calm and decided to go onto the Livid Forums, since I haven't been there in a while, and die. Completely die. So I talk to Matt for a while, and all is good. I forgot who I once was on there. So now I'm back to my usual name on Forums. Why I didn't use it for these journals I will never know. Matt is super extra cool to talk too. Keeps me entertained. Untill I get sidetracked and don't talk at all. Kinda like how Ryan keeps me entertained and makes me laugh. Or how I make myself get entertained. Take yesterday. I'm going to Evas. Mara and me are sitting in the car, driving about. We are about five minutes away from her house. We have been driving for 15 already. It takes 10-15mins max to get there. Tamara fianlly asks, do you even remember where you are going. I am in the negative on this one, I reply. I totally forgot how to get there, and just kept driving. We finally got there, in a weird roundabout way. I just totally totally forgot. I laugh at myself. (I've got round bandaids on my arm, longing for...) I think hot chocolate is a good mood pick me up thing. I feel mildly happier now. B just rung me too. Makes me even happier. Just wanted to know if I wanted to do anything. But no, I'm having a night in, or more so, I have no idea what to do. So now I sit and write. Jumping all over the place, wanting to say everything, but sometimes not knowing how to say it, or in what order, or what to let forwrds and want to hold back and keep close to me. David is currently begging me to go and take photos. David being Mars Boy. I have the realisation I already have 6 rolls of film burning a hole in my desk waiting to be developed. How lazy am I? Or is it lack of funds, or something. Maybe I am ashamed of my work, and never want to see it. No, I have resigned myself to working my ass of at Uni this semester. I have enough practical lessons to kill me, but I want to do damn well. Oh and I decided, Photography it is for Intermedia. Printmaking and Jewelery it is for the others. But that may be because I have no choice in the matter. But but but, cannot wait for either of them. Have decided to do photography for print media too. I think. Or maybe I would like to actually do some print work, because it looks beautiful. I have never done some, other then lino cutting, and that for me is ok. But I get really worked on the fine detail, its my wanting to do work faster and getting sidetracked that makes me screw up my work. Sometimes. I was told today that yes, they missed me at work. But, no, they didn't miss my sarcastic and caustic sense of humour. Which I am like at work. Because I can get away with it? Yes and no. I just hate how stupid some people are and the rest. Its like, dude, its food, yeah sure it helps you live, but if you want to live, live well. Don't kill yourself by eating junk. Make your own food. And don't get shitty at me because there is a wait. Ever heard of getting up earlier, planning time wisely, giving yourself time alowances? No wonder so many people are so so wound up. Yes I am, but over food? When I could have done it myself? If I could have gotten off my ass and made it myself? Or perhaps being patient and realising that not everything can be given to you within 3 seconds of your demand. Sometimes I need to learn that lesson, myself though. At least I know it though. I'm not as bad as I once was. Looks at phone. Its not ringing. I want friends or something. I hope I'm not getting into that, I need no sleep, lets just stay up all night and not do much except twiddle thumbs. Or be a complete insomaniac. Which I feel may happen. I've barely been asleep in the last 4 days. But then, I think it might be because of the attacks and the rest. So maybe, hopefully it'll calm down in a few days. If not, off to the doctors I go. To get Valium, because it doesn't work for me, because I still panic. But maybe there is something else for me. I don't know. But god.... I feel like taking something at the moment. Theres a few dozen things in the cupboard over there. Which my mum comes and steals! I think she thinks I must take the weirdest things. Nope, I just get scripts filled and don't take them. I have a great medical cabinet. Actually, these really strong migrane tablets might come in use right now. They work for me. Knock me out. And Harry just walked in and scared the jebezzus out of me. I have a numb big toe. Hey my spinal problems are kicking in again. Wow, maybe I'll wake tomorrow and not be able to walk properly with my left leg. Which is almost fucked after my accident at work. Speaking of which. My legs are just plain fucking sore anyway. Huge pain under by right breast too. I'm sick of them being sore. Thinking about taking out the piercings, how ever much I love them. What do you think? Yeah, I don't know either. I have taken one out in the vain hope that it might be the problem, but I'm not sure if it is. I want to get the re-pierced, just for the fun of it. It feels so damn good. Sophie doesn't think so, she reckons I'm a sucker for pain getting them done, and actually enjoying the experience. Oh I'd love to be with someone getting theirs done and holding their hand and seeing the whole thing. Mesmerises me. Such a beautiful piece of skin being skewered with this lovely shiny piece of metal. Whos up for hand holding? Speaking of nipples, its fucking cold in here. Wow, like usual, my room, 5 degrees, me sitting in almost nothing, blue hands and rock hard and sore nipples. Yes, everyone needed to know that. Actually, maybe I should take them all out. Every single one of them. I've been toying with the idea, every so often. Telling you what, I think I'm about to loose the ones in my nose. But still thinking about getting my septum done or perhaps my side lip for my birthday. Maybe. Or stars on my body. In all sorts of places. I have just gotten to the realisation I have typed and typed without saying to much, whineing alot and being very very random. But, who cares, my journal, correct. Don't censor yourself, thats what I shouldn't do. If it annoyes someone, they shouldn't read it, leave it. Or something. Or something, easily becoming my favourite phrase of the moment. Anyway. Awesome things I got in Perth: The Art of Kissing book. This book rocks. Do I mention that I love stuff written in this era (40's) and the naiveitivity (sp?) of it. Peticoats, about four of them. A friend. You know, because thats always important. Unless of course its completely unwanted. Which this isn't, so I'm guessing I won't be whining about this one. A multicoloured umbrella. You wouldn't understand. Dog bite scars on my feet. I guess you could say dogs don't like my feet. The realisation that Australia is almost always the same, no matter what side of the continent you are on. Oh and numerous things have changed in the 2.5 weeks I was away. Really, they have. Slightly muchly. There is a new ticketing system for public transport. Its all in zones now. Like evry other capital city in Australia. Just took us a while to catch on. New procedures at work. New items on menu at work. 439857230-54570284750249857259872349587 new people at work. But then its like this every second week. About 5 new op-shops in Woodridge. Really, its the most derroest place in the world. Serious. All of these new buildings appeared. And work started on other things. The place, in comparason to WA, is DEAD. Its all yuck and horrible and not green and bleh. I thought it was nice before we left. But did it all of a sudden just die or am I just used to the green of Perth? I have been typing this on and off for the last 2 hours. Is it time to stop? Maybe. I have other things to type. I think I'll just keep them private. Yeah, I might. I will. Oooh, I just found Sandi's Livejournal. Girl I go to Uni with. She paid me out for having one! o_O I don't understand some people sometimes. Nah, keeping on writing tonight. Just not on here. I might post some pictures or a story later. Or possibly not, because I mightn't have anything to say tomorrow. Goodnight, sending my love out to all. post comment

[05 Jul 2004|04:25pm] One of my most favourite photos. post comment

[04 Jul 2004|08:24pm] My chest squeezes my insides. I feel my breathing getting shallower and heavier. I feel tears well in my eyes. I curse at myself for being so stupid. I curse for being so sensitive. I curse at feeling. Feeling of all things! Knowing I don't want to ever leave this feeling behind. But knowing it hurts too too much. I don't know if I can cope sometimes. How long has it been? Why do I react this way. Same time each damn year, almost the same. Almost. I've come to the stage where I will say, yes, its the same. The same. Emotions and situations. Do I come out happier and knowing more. Maybe so. Maybe the outcome will be different this time. Maybe. I know the feeling will fade. When I don't know. But does it dissapear forever? Usually not. I'm in a spectacular mood otherwise. Really I am. Its just the outbursts of super-emoness and panic attacks that make my insides swell and burst. post comment

[04 Jul 2004|05:12pm] I am back home. In my room. In front of the puter. On a chair covered in clothes that I haven't been bothered to put away. I went out last night. Caught up with most of my friends. Saw Teh Grate$ and Nightstick. Was good... I ran up the stairs of the place. Stood up on the balcony and let my eyes gaze swiftly over the crowd. My breath caught in my throat. I think I see you, you turn and I realize its not. My breath continues as normal. My eyes keep scanning the crowd, somehow hoping that you will magically appear, somehow. Then forever reminding myself that it wont happen... I sit here and want to cry and cry right now. Oh how I want a hug, from someone, but not just anyone. I really do it to myself. I set myself up to be hurt. To burn from the inside out. To feel the butterflies raising in my chest, to feel like my rib cage will burst and out of my chest millions of butterflys will fly free.... To make myself sick to the stomach. Wish I didn't feel like this, and realise what I am feeling is one of the most beautiful feelings I will feel, or want to feel. To feel so usure, to feel so so much. All directed and focused on one thing... It takes so much out of me and makes me feel so much. I like that thought, though. post comment

[25 Jun 2004|05:45pm] I am now in Albany. Which is bigger then Augusta. Which is good. I like Albany, tis bigger and better when compared to Augusta. So yeah, oh and it has a whole lotta op-shops. Which is good. Me and Mara had an excellent day today because of this. Basically I didn't need to spend time with the whole family and doing touring type things, which was a very very good thing. Op-shop people love us. Really, we spend quite a bit of money when we find them, on absolute crap. Mara, for example bought 3 nurses dresses, all in different colours. I bought an army dress. Hoo-rah! But then, tomorrow, its back to driving about, driving about. I will read the day away I guess. I am doing fairly well at that. But yes... After tonight I have 5 more nights then I am back in Perth!!!! Wooo... I don't know why I am so excited, it means I will be going home, no more free food from parents, no more being driven around, no more not having to work. But there are so many up-sides... Like seeing my friends, and going out without a mother all of a sudden getting protective when she has never done so before. And one down side that isn't mentioned or so so... In other words, I want home, but not without the benefits of my holiday. I like home, I really really do. Or maybe I just like holidays all by myself. But then, I do get a little bored, only a little and want to go out with people. But in general I like being alone, I'm not sure why that is. I really really don't, but I would like to know some days. Hi Chris *waves*. Its true what I was saying to you last night, this lacks absolute depth, really it does, and I wish I could put more in it, but feel as if I cannot, I could make it all private, but wheres the fun in that. Oh and another thing, I really enjoyed talking to you last night. Really really. I also like this being on the internet bit, it makes me feel as if I am in touch or something with the world. I really really feel cut off and deserted over here, no not because of the geography of the place, but because of I'm not talking to many friends and the like, not being able to catch up and read all the bits and pieces on the internet. I want to change all my userinfo on this, right now! But won't. I need time to do so, or something. When I get home I will or something. If my computer still works, its probably self-imploded by not, by not having been used. Oh and Ivan is still messaging me, when will the boy get the hint and fuck off. I don't want to even talk to him, not at all. I wish he didn't have my number, I wish he didn't know who I was, I wish I had never met him. I really hate it when people, boys especially, don't get the hint, that I am not interested. It really takes alot for me to me to want to look at you a second time. Really it does. And it takes a shitload for me to even want to meet up with you. Sophie's told me that having a list of what people should and shouldn't posses is a bad thing. I don't think so, but when I ask her if she does, she tells me she does. Pot kettle black anyone? But then she explains that it is different. I don't think that it is. Well, our list is different and yes they can be thrown out the window at the drop of a hat, but damnit, people must have some expectations of the other person. Who cares if mine is slightly different to hers. Or something. Depends on the person. Just reading the listings for Brisbane, setting up my concert list for when I get back. Looks like there is a few for me to go too, which is le grand. Or something. I love love love going to concerts, I really really do. My list so far includes: The Grates and Nightsticks, 3rd July. Mclusky, 8th of July (fucking Giants of Science supporting AGAIN!), Guritator with the Grates, 8th August (hmmm, mums birthday). 9th and 10th of July, Valle fiesta which includes Hilltop hoods, the Herd and Butterfingers, all for free!. Blink, sometime in September with Sparta as support. There is more, I am sure, but I'm not looking thats closely at the gig guide. Belle and Sebastien playing on my birthday and Melodessy on the 30th of July, Her Majestys. I think today has been much better and I am excited about the prospect of going back to normalacy or something. I decided today I was going to get myself a new job maybe at a Coles or a woolworths, you know something different, that doesn't use my skills, rips me off and makes me feel worthless as a person. But i guess it must be better then where I am at now, oh and there might be older type people, maybe ones that I may get along with. Or something. Better then the Tenilles and the Meagans that I work with. I love messages of love. I love it when my friends keep on sending them to me. I feel loved.... I love sending messages of love as well, but sometimes feel that I am unable too. I don't know why, unless they don't want it or something. But if I tell you I love you, I mean it. And its not always in that love as is in the relationship or something, love for me is showing that person I care about them and value them. So I hope that the people understand that when I tell them that. And its not as if I'd say it lightly. I do mean it. Remember the last time I told you I love you - It was warm and safe in our perfect world - You yawned and I had to say it over 'I said I love you,' I said... you didn't say a word Just held your hands to your shining eyes And I watched as the tears ran through your fingers Held your hands to your shining eyes and cried... 'If you die,' you said, 'So do I,' you said... But it ends the day you see how it is There is no always forever... just this... Just this... 'If you die,' you said, 'So do I,' you said But it ends the day you understand There is no if... just and There is no if... just and There is no if... This song made me on the verge of tears most of the the other day. i love this song, I love the album actually. Tis really reeally good. Oh when will I see The Cure (again!)? If I told you that I loved you, would you mind? If I told you and ment it like I had never ment anything before? I will say it anyway.. I love you. Because you really have no say in who loves you sometimes. And sometimes it is just really hard to say that.... I'm going to go now.. I think I may have said all I need to say. Maybe. But I know there is more. Much much more. 2 comments|post comment

DUBBAA [21 Jun 2004|04:51pm] [ mood | fucked ] [ music | none ] I am in outback WA. I could kill myself. NO ONE SAID IT WOULD BE THIS BAD. Or maybe they did, I wasn't listening. Or something. But yes, I am bored, very bored. Been here for one day, yay, only another hmmm, I don't know. Till next Thursday, and that is over a week, but less then two weeks away. Or something. Good side is, I'll be back in Perth, which isn't bad. I like it, once I figure out where I am, and where all the good places are and the like. But, no, I like it. I don't really want to be back for just a couple of days. Maybe a few more. Maybe a week. A week would be good, considering my mum kiddnapped me for 2 of the days I've just been there for and that sucked. I wanted to go by myslef, she, unfortuntely didn't understand this concept. Oh, I met Chris in Perth too, a guy Mara and Eva knew by the internet. And now I guess I do too... We went to this really cool pub the other night and I like like like. And last night we (being mara chris and me) went to Leederville and sat about in a park and walked and it was great fun for al involved. I believe anyway, he might have been silently screaming on the inside wishing to disapear into thin air. The next few days I believe will be craptacular. Unless something really really really exciting happens. Oh and its raining and theres no TV reception and now we have videos, while there is no problem with this, but man, WHAT THE FUCK WILL I DO? I'm in this internet cafe, they are severly ripping me off. But, its gotta be better sitting about. Mum couldnt have gotten a more derro place if she tried. Really. But, seriously, you can take me anywhere, I'm not usually this complan-y, really. Only am when I can't do what I want, or when I'm cut off from most civilisation. To sum it up, I'd live in perth. Quite the lovely really. But man, these regional areas suck bad, and so does the majority of my family. Or maybe it is just the one derro-head member. (I should really be nicer to my mum, or maybe not...) (Whens the next Bus out of here?) Home? Nah, I want to stay in the city for a while. Or maybe just away from them. Face it, I'm fucking indesisive. Really really am. I'm going to go before I get really really emo. Because I really am about too. Really emo too. bye 4 comments|post comment

[10 Jun 2004|10:47am] I do it too myslef I do. Some guy now has my number and keeps on asking me to do things and shit. Why oh why? Sometimes I don't know why I cannot tell them just to piss off, or something. I'm too nice. Ahhhhhh its frustrating. So yeah.. I've now finished uni for the semester, its oh so exciting. It really really is. I now have 2 years left. Just two! I'm listening to COG at the moment. Should I see them next month? Oh yeah, I get to see McLusky. Shit yes!!! Oh and I got Blink tix (in the mail) today. I wasn't wearing much when I had to sign for it when to post man was here. Oh well. I'm not in a real journal update mood I think. I'm just to excited about the fact that uni is over. But not so about the fact I now need to work full time. Anyway... work does beckon now. 3 comments|post comment

[04 Jun 2004|09:29pm] Today was pretty uneventful. I did some work on my angel wings. There is a pretty wire frame, which I like. I'm having great difficulty in putting over the cloth to make it look decent. I've tried weaving, and it looks like crap. I hate it. I'm trying to make it look bound. Maybe a mixture? But to say I'm having trouble is putting it lightly. Harry thinks the bound looks like shit. I digress, but it still hurts. Who cares if he thinks it looks like shit. Maybe its the material I have chosen for the work. I'm not sure. Sophie is too the rescue on Sunday, so we'll see. Tomorrow I plan on getting alot of my essay out of the way. I'll get Sophie to help on that too. I have so much trouble making up shit. So, so much trouble. I'm not good at bluffing or sounding really important and shit. So its the wings and essay now. Drawing folio is finally done. Its crap, but done. I really don't think I will be passing hey. As much as I would like too. I'm visiting Nana on wednesday, so I might not like to forget that. I might go to Dads the night after for dinner. I'm getting McLusky tickets and Butterfingers tickets eventually. If I miss Butterfingers, I will cry. But But But. I got Blink STANDING tickets today. Hopefully that will be good. Fingers crossed. Sparta are support, not other reason NOT to go. As well as Gyroscope. Perfect lineup complete. I must go, pressing issues, like essay are needed to be done. Also reading Basketball Diaries and going to bed. Finally. Maybe I'll grab a cup of Tea as well. I need it, hopefully it will help with the sleep. Which I don't think I will have a problem with tonight, personally. 1 comment|post comment

[03 Jun 2004|11:15pm] [ mood | okay ] [ music | Cure - In between days ] Did I ever mention that Sandi and B are now together. Together together. Oh and I find this incredibly amusing.... Oh well. I was over B anyway. And considering we wern't totally together it doesn't matter. We all went out the other night. He can be incredibly annoying. We went to the launch of Brisneyland. Which was good, nice place and all, but he was being such a pretentious fuckstick, and that frustrates me when people are. Afterwards, me and sandi went food shopping. We bought cake, custard and cream in a can. We then plastered it all over ourselve when we got back to her place. Oh my it was fun. Cake + custard + cream + sandi = good times. Particually when B was taking photos. He probably creamed his pants a few times. I would have. It was awesome fun. Awesome Awesome Awesome. I then drove home afterwards in a towel and blazer. The whole time hoping nothing would happen to car to make me get out of it. Oh an in other news... I am seriously stocking obsessed. I bought FIVE new pairs today. FIVE. Who needs that many pairs of stockings in the first place? I also bought a black jacket. And a silver cuff. I spent 30 bucks all together. How much do I rock? I want too... I want to be some else, or I'll explode 1 comment|post comment

Updatey [02 Jun 2004|12:45pm] Telephone, On the telephone! I have (another) new phone. Its old school looking and stuff. Its silver and yellow. Cost me 25 bucks. I put a bid on it at an auction. It was a joke, I wasn't intending on getting it. But now I have one. So go me I guess. I'm at home again. Trying to study and shit. Not happening is it? I just went and bought material and shit. I'm listening to NEW PJ Harvey. Tis good stuff. I like alot. But it just died, so now its Spiderbait. I'm going to make a shirt thats says "Tease". Which, in a way, is what I am more often then not. I don't know if its a good idea or what not. Maybe just "Bleach" then. But Adalita from MD had one and it makes me feel, eh I don't know. I'm so avoiding doing ANY work at all. Driving myself up the wall I am. I have 2 folios, a 3000 word essay and an exam to do and be done in 1 week. I need all the time I can get. Fuck I'm stupid for avoidance. Really I am. 5 comments|post comment

DaddyCool [27 May 2004|11:00am] [ mood | silly ] [ music | Daddy Cool - Placebo ] I've finanlly just removed the pjs from my body and put on normal clothes for the day. Then I put on bright green eye makeup. I have red hair so I think it looks good. But I think I messed it a bit, the eyeliner doesn't work too too well. Unfortunately. I might go a buy some red eyeliner later. I don't have anything planned for the day. Nor really want to go out. I just hate wasting the day, but I figure if I sit around here it ain't going to cost me money. But if I go out.... smeh. I'm so so bad with money. I'm bouncing around to the music and am feeling generally quite the happy today. I want to go and buy some green material I found at the shop yesterday. Its very very tempting. So is the pile of Uni work I must do... *sigh* BUT I WILL DO IT ALL. *flexes muscles* And well, I hope. I've asked for next week off, so yeah. Gives me a shitload of free time to do lots of work. Shitloads of time. Hopefully alot of it will be spent at uni doing the work. I'm listening to a remix version of "world in my eyes" can't figure out if it is depeche mode or the cure. Sounds like the cure. but its a depeche mode song hey?... I'm about to uninstall word and then put in another version, mine is currently fucked. Wish me luck. 5 comments|post comment

Lullaby [23 May 2004|09:05pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | lullaby- the cure ] On candystripe legs the spiderman comes Softly through the shadow of the evening sun Stealing past the windows of the blissfully dead Looking for the victim shivering in bed Searching out fear in the gathering gloom and Suddenly! A movement in the corner of the room! And there is nothing I can do And I realise with fright That the spiderman is having me for dinner tonight! Quietly he laughs and shaking his head Creeps closer now Closer to the foot of the bed And softer than shadow and quicker than flies His arms are around me and his tongue in my eyes Be still, be calm, be quiet now, my precious boy Don't struggle like that or I will only love you more But it's much too late to get away or turn on the light The spiderman is having you for dinner tonight! And I feel like I'm being eaten By a thousand million shivering furry holes And I know that in the morning I will wake up In the shivering cold The spiderman is always hungry... (Come into my parlour, said the spider to the fly I have something...) 1 comment|post comment

WhatsBeenHappening [23 May 2004|05:24pm] So in turn I start new job last night. Go me. Its a waitressing job. He knows I have absolutley no experience. None at all. But he is willing to let me work and learn everything. Which I think is really nice. Or something. I'll probably be sold into white slavery. Who knows. But yes, its at west end. Nice looking place. Nice and the rest. So hopefully it'll be all good. Thankfully. It might (omg might) get me out of maccas (thank god). Afterwards. I go to Sophies. Who I am sure is sick of me turning up on her doorstep at all hours. Well, mainly before 12 middnight and after 10 in the morning. She is good in a crisis thing. I guess. So last night she had chocolate ice cream. Which I almost demolished. Toilet paper for tears. And black eyeliner for fun. I can't put it on to save my life. Then after a bit of deliberation I was told I was staying the night. So we went and grabbed grog. I have never had passion pop in my life. So I bought that. Its not that good. But at least now I know I'm not missing out on anything. We also made enough cowboys for us for the whole army. So interesting night. Good sleep too. Except for the cats. But you get that. Today Sophie and I had an interesting day, but somehow thats not an irregular occurance these days. So we left her house and went for a long drive on the way too Wynnum. We somehow managed to get there via port of Brisbane, which is a perfectly ok way to do so. But a long way too. We then had morning tea with my nana. she made me a scarf so I collected that. After that we went for a walk through town. Saw Alex in his painting class. (Which he teaches) then we had Kebabs. Walked through the markets. Had an enjoyable time over all. Back to Alex's studio. Where I did nazi his Tim Burton book. But shush... After this I've gone home. Which seems unlively in comparason to being around so many people and the like. I enjoy being with people. But not being with I guess. I do in some aspects, and I guess it takes a while. But I knew I probably would have freaked out with Josh. But I would have worked through that. I like being alone though. But sometimes its great to have so much alive-ness.... I'm talking to Dean vis msn. I sound like a fruit loop I've decided. I'm not sure what else to say now... Signing off for now... 1 comment|post comment

[22 May 2004|01:52pm] Falling in love doesn't hurt. Landing does. To know what has happened. Read 9th of April. I talked about Josh. For once everything started to happen. Then instantly fell apart. I knew it would. Even when it strted to happen. I knew it was too fucking good to be true. All of a sudden its gone. GONE. Emotionally unable too. It seems everyone I find (and very few at that) are unable too. The same excuse. Maybe its just me. Happens same time each year. Each year this time. Autumn through to spring. Hopefully this year wont be as mind fucking as last year. I don't think it will. But its still just as bad. As much as I love autumn, then winter..... 1 comment|post comment

[24 Apr 2004|09:14pm] Today was cold. But at least it wasn't raining. I went retail therapy today. Got lots of cool stuff. Favourite being a handbag for 12bucks with white stars on it. Tomorrow I will do more!! Mwhahaha... I've gotten started now, I quite like it. I'm seeing Dr Octopus at Esplande hotel at St Kilda tomorrow. Anni, join me? St kilda markets tomorrow morning. Yay.. I'm kinda in a rush, but mmm.. 1 comment|post comment

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