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One crises averted [20 May 2003|06:22am] [ mood | normal ] Last night after work, Hisoka and I got a bit closer than usual. It's probably because of the fact that for some reason my mental walls are up and enforced properly for once. The only thing is that I didn't do it on purpose. It just happened. I wasn't even aware I was blocking things out till Hisoka told me that I feel like a blank spot. Literally. Maybe my brain caught up with my heart and did the work on it's own. Lately Hisoka and I have been stumped to the point of no return trying to find a way for Hisoka to feel his own emotions. So that he can figure out whether he loves me or if it's just my emotions confusing him. At first I thought it was me, and felt horrible for it. But... these past few days have led me to the conclusion that he really does love me. Because looking back at the past in our partnership, he's always tried to be there for me. He cared about me enough to drag me back from the point of no return. So... I love him. A lot. I've kept that inside too much I think, before. But now it's just threatening to spill out. I've already told him I do, and it was his turn to make a move. Which he returned last night. He let me sleep with him again, just in his bed to hold him... I feigned sleep, but I was awake most of the night. I felt wired. I was hoping, praying he'd wake me up and say it. He did say it. A quick, soft, 'aishiteru' and then snuggled down to sleep. Only thing is, he thought I was asleep. I guess he's not ready to tell me yet.... Just test out the waters first. See how those words feel in his mouth. I can wait. I've waited all my life for him, and I can wait yet another if need be. post comment

Last night... [17 May 2003|10:57am] [ mood | angry ] It was really nice last night. Hijiri came over and apologized to Hisoka (who was a bit surprised I'm sure), and then Hisoka and I had yet another talk regarding this empathy issue between us. As an affectionate person, I made the mistake of pinning Hisoka twice, not thinking that my wrestling might scare him.....I didn't mean to, I was just teasing him. I like to touch him, and he doesn't seem to mind too much... But he told me he doesn't like being pinned down. His parents would do that and beat him when he showed his powers, and Muraki....well, needless to say, it wasn't something he liked. I felt a bit ashamed after that. I didn't mean to make him feel that way.... Then he told me he liked to be held. Just not pinned. So I did hold him. He fell asleep against me after a while, so I took him to bed and tucked him in. He said he hadn't been getting a lot of sleep so I wanted to make sure he'd be comfortable. I probably shouldn't have, but I got in bed with him and held him during the night. He didn't stir once, and to be honest, neither did I. It was probably the best sleep I've ever had, alive or dead. And he didn't hit me or get angry at me when I woke up with him either! In fact we cuddled some more. <3 He seemed a bit subdued that I was there to hold him that night. And then I let him lie on top of me, so he wouldn't feel pinned. I wanted to be closer to him, so it seemed like a good idea at the time. But after a few kisses and snuggles, other parts of me had doubts. One cold shower, and a breakfast of muffins later, I sat down to watch the news. Muraki's up to his old tricks again. Only this time, he's using MY face. The deathtoll in Kyuushuu's rising steadily according to reports. Video tapes and footage from several of the cases has clips of someone who looks like me sucking the blood out of living victims. I'm going to kill Muraki. That's on Monday though. For right now I'm going to relax, and try not to let it get to me for Hisoka's sake. I know he hates to see me upset, especially over Muraki. There's Hisoka now. I'm going to go now, we're going out to lunch today. post comment

well this is going to be hard. [16 May 2003|10:48am] [ mood | awake ] Hisoka and I had a talk last night... About his empathy and us. I always knew he had a hard time with the empathy since I first met him, and he tried to go into a forbidden room at work. He said emotions flow into him against his will.... and he can't understand which belong to who. I thought if we took a few days away from each other, maybe he'd be able to understand himself better. But he didn't like that idea. He likes being around me, he said. *soft chuckle* I think he does love me. Just doesn't know what it feels like. So I guess staying alone wouldn't help him either. It's okay. I am honestly content to just being around him. Because I feel better when I am... I just want to be by his side forever, if fate will permit. Even if he doesn't like me back... it's okay. I just want to see him happy at last. post comment

Time never allows.... [12 May 2003|09:56pm] [ mood | discontent ] What a week. Watari had an experiment go awry. On guess who? Me. Well it was my fault kind of, for letting a giant marshmellow get ahold of me when I tried to get it away from Watari. Even worse, I ate the marshmellow. I mean, it was trying to eat me too. It was just the first thing I could think of. And...well.... I turned into a puppy. And that's about all I remember. Hisoka said my mind had been very puppy like-- or baby-like. I must have transformed completely, mind and body. From everyone's account, Watari and Hijiri were deathly afraid that Hisoka would kill them again if he found out I'd been transformed. Watari accidentally transformed Hijiri into a rabbit when trying to give me an antidote. So with Hijiri and I out of the running Watari tried to keep the seceret. One problem: He was chasing me in the hall with a shot gun loaded with tranquilizers. Hisoka saw him and took me home. Hijiri went with Watari, and became the experiment for the cure. Once they'd found one, Hijiri snuck into our apartment the next day during work to feed me an antidote... And since I'd been out all night and the next morning, everyone was worried sick. When questioned about me, Watari and Hijiri kept their silence and feigned no idea. Hisoka, worried that maybe something had happened went back home to check for me once more. He found Hijiri trying to feed me the antidote and was angry for his breaking and entering. When he realized I was Tsuzuki, his fire of fury was lit and thus..... Hijiri and Watari were suspended from work for a week with no pay. Watari's never to use the lab for anything but work without personal experiments, and I'm banned from ever going in there again unless Konoe gives me permission. Hisoka was livid that they'd lied, and Konoe was not very happy either. But now things have settled. Hijiri and Watari had the weekend to think about things, as did Hisoka and I. I stopped by their place Sunday, to talk to them, to apologize somewhat for Hisoka's anger. I don't think he realized just how badly they would get in trouble. They deserved punishment, yes, but I think the suspension was a little too much. Afterall, they did fix me. Watari's rent was due this week......... So since he'd not get his paycheck, I pulled together all the savings I managed to keep over this 70 year term, and paid it for him as I left their apartment. Today they didn't come in to work as scheduled, so the office was quiet. Hisoka and I had a talk tonight over it, and I think he feels bad. We then went out to dinner after that, to talk more about it, but we didn't say much else. Hell, hardly anything at all. But it was okay. He let me kiss him goodnight at his bedroom door. Heh. He's cute when he blushes. post comment

[10 May 2003|10:32am] [ mood | hopeful ] Waaaii waiii waii! Hijiri managed to summon a shiki! It wasn't Byakko but it was a shiki! And he didn't even have to go to the Reikai for it! Surely now Enma and Konoe will let him stay! I have yet to talk to them, as Tatsumi not given me a second's time from work. And what's even better, is that Hisoka and I are going out tonight. For dinner. He asked me to dinner! Today is a good day, yes it is. I wonder where we'll go. I told him whereever is fine. I can eat almost anything. ^_^ *bounce* Can't wait can't wait can't wait!!! post comment

Feeling regretful... [07 May 2003|03:46pm] [ mood | stressed ] Hijiri's being transferred to Italy. He found out yesterday, and I overheard it. He was upset about it, but Tatsumi gave him hope that he could come and visit us all between jobs. Tatsumi thinks I'm mad at him for 'transferring' Hijiri. No. I know he wasn't the only one who had a say, it was between him, Konoe, and Daioh. I'm angry at Tatsumi for giving him false hopes like that... As it is, our department barely has enough money for a vacation between islands of JAPAN, why should it be easier for Hijiri to make it across the globe between his jobs??? I rarely get to see friends I have who are in Japan, much less those abroad. It makes me angry. I kinda blew up on Hisoka too.... I don't know, yesterday I was just on edge. Now I know why I was. I could feel the impending doom in the air... That and it was pay day. ~_~*sigh* Hisoka made a few mistakes on our report, and uncharacteristically I pointed all of them out and fixed them myself. (Which means he knows I can do this now and will make me do more work. ;_;) I'm really worried about Hijiri. He went home early yesterday... I made it clear to Watari he should go as well, and he left too. One week and counting. I asked my 'nicer' shikigami if they would mind temporarily being Hijiri's shikis. Byakko said if I ordered it he would... But no one else seemed up to help. I can't blame them, they have matters of their own to attend to, and they have pride to maintain. It's complicated. Suzaku said she was sorry she couldn't, but she usually tends to stay with one master only. Touda just shook his head. So it's down the Byakko now. The reason Hijiri's being transferred is because he's not a summoner. I don't know if they've tried teaching Hijiri summonings yet. If he can learn to summon Byakko, maybe we'd have a better chance of keeping him here when I ask Konoe to discuss this matter again with Enma Daioh. To be honest I'm not just doing this because Hijiri's a friend, but because he could be very vital to our department. He and Watari are the perfect partners. They both specialize in something no one else around here does. I think that the three 'heads' are making a huge mistake by shipping him off to some foriegn land. Besides all of that.... Hijiri died because he wanted to be with us. Doesn't that stand for anything? It's his attachment to the world, and inbetween. It isn't fair to Watari either, who just settled down with a partner at last. It's just not fair. yeah yeah shut up Tsuzuki, the world isn't always fair. Yeah but we're also dead too, so why does that mean it has to be unfair? I'm going to go finish some reports and head home. I want to make something for Hisoka tonight, to apologize for the way I treated him yesterday. I just have to figure out what his favorite food is.... post comment

Revenge. [05 May 2003|10:23am] [ mood | content ] I'm calm now. I was livid and seething on Sunday, when I found out that Sokachan was HISOKA, thanks to Watari's potion. Not only did I saw embarrassing things to 'Soka', but now Hisoka knows I named Soka-chan after him. ~_~ It wasn't....too bad in retrospect.... I guess. Hisoka and I had a long talk after I woke up Sunday evening. (Watari tranquilized me.... I can't blame him, I was about ready to kill him. Again.) He told me he understands me a little better now. He told me he didn't mean to hurt my feelings over the 'Muraki' alikeness thing. He said that it was just a bit of an emotion, something everyone has but it just startled him. And, evidentally, as a cat he couldn't use his powers. So he had a chance for the first time in his life to feel nothing but his own emotions. He never said much more but... I think he understands my feelings now. And his own.... Whatever those may be I'm not sure. But... He let me kiss him again. He's very cute when he blushes... <3 Oh yes, 003 is missing. Or had been. XD He's been visiting a girl owl in a tree outside our new apartment. Heheh, it was raining last night so he stayed at our house. To get back at Watari, Hisoka and I baked a small fryer chicken about the same size as the owl and presented it to him the next morning with many apologies... (We told him that we had been making dinner, and 003 had stayed with us and must have accidentally gotten into the oven.) Watari bawled his eyes out, till 003 fluttered in, hooting at him. ^_^ I think we got him back. Tatsumi scolded us for playing pranks at the office, but... well, you know. He sorta deserved it. We didn't tell Tatsumi that though. Hisoka's STILL angry at Watari, and won't go near him. But he seems a little less hostile towards Hijiri now. Which is good, right? Eventually he'll stop being mad at Watari. No one can be mad at him long. He's too nice. A little forgetful, but nice. I feel a little bad now...... I think I'll go give him some cake. post comment

when did this happen? [03 May 2003|12:57pm] [ mood | worried sick ] Everything was fine on Friday till the ball. Well, not exactly. I should say everything was fine on Friday till Saturday came at midnight. Hijiri and I broke up. I'll explain. I need to write this, because in my head it's all jumbled up. Where did I go wrong? Maybe if I write it down I'll remember. Friday came, and work went by quickly. I barely saw Hijiri who was working on paperwork for Watari so he wouldn't have to stay over. As was I. Hisoka usually does a lot of the paperwork but I had some things due or else Tatsumi would have killed me. I went home, got dressed. Hisoka left before me, so I locked up at around 6 and got there at 6:30. The whole night I didn't see anyone I knew, save Wakaba who I danced with because I know she really wanted to. The rest of the night I spent dancing with masked faces, and eating delicious food. I was happy. I tried to find Hijiri, but I couldn't find anyone dressed entirely in black like he told me he would be. Well, I could, but there wasn't anyone like that at his height! At about 10 till midnight, before everyone took off their masks, I found Hijiri. He was garbed in a black cloak and wore a ghostly full faced white mask, disguised as the western version of the grim reaper, or death. He'd been in a corner all night waiting for me, and I felt so awful when I saw him there half asleep. I quickly pulled him to the dancefloor for a last dance... I pulled his mask up a bit to kiss him, and a little surprisingly he didn't respond, he only froze. I ignored it and kissed him anyway, and when I pulled away, it struck midnight. I took off my mask.... and so did he. It was Hisoka. I apologized, feeling terrible and mortified all at once. He told me it was fine, and hurried off to the refreshment table to get away from me... No sooner had he left, Hijiri ran past me, Watari calling after him. Confused, I went to see what was wrong. He'd done the same thing I'd done. Only he'd mistaken Watari for me. Watari's costume had been really eccentric, I suppose. Plus he'd turned back to his normal age. Since Watari and I are close to the same height and Watari HAD been 16 when the dance began, I wasn't angry at Hijiri. I had no right to be anyway. But the blow came when he told me he felt something between him and Watari when they'd kissed. Hijiri told me it felt right. Much more right than it had with me. I felt the world bottom out from under me, it happened again. Why is it everyone I ever get that close, leaves me? I tried to smile. Tried to not let him see the pain it caused me to take him back inside the mansion and pass him off to Watari. When we went back in after coming to a mutual agreement we could no longer be lovers, but just friends, Watari was by the refreshment table, holding Sokachan. Watari looked a little apprehensive, but I just smiled and told him I'd trade Hijiri for the cat. And I let Hijiri go, leaving the ball right after that, a cat in one hand, and my cloak in another. I went home and cried the whole night, letting my woes deafen Soka-chan's poor kitty ears. I feel a little silly now, having only a cat to talk to about my problems. But he never seems to mind... What's worse? Hisoka never came home last night. I'm getting worried. If he's not home in another hour I'm going to go look for him. I hope he's not angry at me for last night... I don't want to lose anyone else...... Baka....Tsuzuki no baka.... You never had him in the first place. post comment

Talking about debt... [01 May 2003|10:37pm] [ mood | worried ] MY HELL IS DEBTORS HELL! T_T I really wish I hadn't racked up so many bills and counting... I found out today why we got such a nice apartment. IT'S INFESTED WITH MICE. I thought about calling Tatsumi over it, but he would just tell me to shut up and deal with it since I don't have much of a choice in housing now. *sigh* And guess what else? Soka-chan got outside and hasn't come back. I'm worried about him. ;_; What if some big dog got ahold of him, or he was run over, or...or...or.... I hope he's okay.... It's really late now. I hope that everything goes okay. The ball is tommorrow night. I got my costume together (Hakushaku made me add yet another debt to my bill for lending me a mask like his... ;_; ) so all I have to do is change into it after work. I'm going to take a plastic bag with me. <.<..............>.> ^_^ Just so I can take food back home with me. Hakushakusama always has the best catered food! Mmm. I'm going to make out like a thief with all those goodies!! ^-^ Can't let Hisoka see me take any sake though, he might get mad. He keeps telling me to stop drinking it, but it tastes good! Besides it's not like it can hurt my body or anything... ^_^ I'm going to head to bed now. I have to get up for work tommorrow. ~_~ post comment

whew! [01 May 2003|09:56am] [ mood | bouncy ] What a long day yesterday was! I finally got my things moved in though! I'm so happy. My new apartment is wonderful, even though it's on the second floor. It's really spacious, and all my cooking things fit into the kitchen. ^_^ We even managed to put both my couch and Hisoka's in the living room with plenty of room to spare. I love my new room too! I have a nice bay window, that I can set my plants in to enjoy the sunshine. *niko niko* And my new bed arrived yesterday. It so soft and fluffy and big and I just love it. I've been saving up for one for a while, and it's hard to do that with all the sweets I love to buy! ;; And because I have to pay back loans and such.... Soka-chan loves the new bed. ^_^ He was curled up under the blankets with me this morning when I woke up. Silly kitten. I just hope he knows I might roll, so he better not claw me. ;_; I'll probably unpack tonight, since I don't think Hijiri is coming over. He hasn't come over to the new apartment yet. I think he's afraid Hisoka might bite him. o_o Oh yeah, the ball is coming isn't it? It's this Friday... Maybe I should get a costume together tonight too. @_@ Cause it's Thursday! GAH. I was so busy with everything I forgot... The fun part about Hakushakusama's ball is that it's a masqeurade. Everyone gathers in the main hall for food and fun, and everyone tries to find their masked date. Some people have a lot of fun with it. Specially Hakushakusama... c.c; Hmmm. What to go as? Oh! I know! I have an old tux from a few years ago when we went to a ball... ~_~ It was rented I think. I forgot to return it. I know I saw it when packing. I'll check tonight. Now to just find a mask that looks like Hakushakusama's, except whole. Blaaaaaaaah that's going to be hard. @_@ Maybe he has one he can lend me. ~~;;;;; Should I risk visiting the candle mansion on lunch break? Oh god, I can see it already. Yet another favor to repay him with my body later for. *sigh* But.... I don't know where else to get a mask like that. Oh well. Hijiri gave me a hint about his costume-- he said he'd be wearing all black. Hee hee. I told him mine would be REALLY eccentric and he'd know me when he saw me. XD Cause we all know how eccentric Hakushakusama is. Back to work-- I see Tatsumi headed my way. ~_~ *runs* post comment

the cat came back the very next day... [29 Apr 2003|11:20am] [ mood | bouncy ] My new 'pet' decided to come to work today. He got in my briefcase. ;_; Luckily, Hisoka took him back to the new apartment for me so that Tatsumi didn't get mad at me. Plus, Watari was allergic. So we had to get Soka-chan out of there. (Soka is the name for the cat. ^_^ He looks like Hisoka so...) I got a lot of stuff moved last night. If I keep the pace up, I'll be done soon. Terazuma is such a jerk. He came by today, and started to pick a fight with me. He heard I was dating someone and accidentally though it was Wakaba. Turns out she was telling him I was dating Hijiri but he didn't listen, his stupid overactive imagination making him hear what he wanted to. Jerk. ~_~ Luckily Wakaba set him straight, and also sent him off to leave us alone. She reminded us all about the ball-- she wanted me to go with her, because I can dance well and that it will also make Terazuma jealous enough to go. I would have accepted to help her out, but she said since I was with Hijiri it wouldn't be right. I agreed. So instead she asked Hisoka! I had to hide my smile when he blushed. He didn't want to go. But none of his excuses were any good. So I made one up for him. I said he already had a lover. Wakaba thought it was wonderful and left. Hisoka was angry though. But I told him, at least now people wouldn't ask about him. Or bother him. He seemed to mellow out afterwards and just ignored me in turn for his work. *niko niko* Hisoka is so much like a cat... *smiles* He always has a look on his face like he fell over but he's pretending to have done it on purpose. It's funny. ^_^ post comment

trouble again.... [28 Apr 2003|09:28am] [ mood | groggy ] Last night I had the most delicious dessert I'd eaten in a long time. Strawberry shortcake with whipcream! Yummy! I have such a weakness because of my sweet tooth... ^^; I'm almost done packing. The kitchen is still not done, but it's not too much more yet. After tonight I'll probably be able to start moving in. Which will leave me....? A day? Gah, that's not a lot of time. ~_~; Hisoka's already done packing and has begun moving in already. I bet he's already moved in! He's just that type of person. I felt really terrible last night. Watari came over with Hijiri. He seemed to have gotten into trouble at the lab again-- he looks 16 again! He had a hard time walking (lost his center of balance with the change) so Hijiri didn't want to leave him there alone. So he brought him with him. Now I DID have some things on my mind, but I didn't MEAN to let Watari see the um...stuff... for that night. They both caught sight of the KY and were both really embarrassed about it, so I tried to be casual even though I felt like dying myself. Baka! Can't believe I left it on the counter for all to see! ><; Why did this make me feel bad? Because Watari loves Hijiri. I had guessed a little beforehand, because of the way Watari's eyes softened when they saw Hijiri coming their way. He usually is pretty friendly but in the lab when he's working on something it usually takes a lot to get him to stop unless it's an order. But he'll set everything aside just to help him with anything. I asked Hijiri anyway, forgetting my suspicions totally... I feel really bad over it. But Hijiri doesn't feel the same about him. When I talked to Hisoka about my feelings for Hijiri over him, I told him I still cared. But Hisoka told me to not worry about it, because he couldn't be that for me. He told me to just love Hijiri. In a way he's right. What's the use of watering a dead flower? Watari will realize this, and move on, sometime or another. *sigh* Onto a happier subject... I found a cat! Or rather... it found me. When I was taking the trash out after Hijiri left to take Watari home, I found it sitting atop the garbage can, meowing. It looked really hungry so I brought it in and gave it some fish and milk. When I got him in the light, I saw he was a really pretty tan-blonde color and had large green eyes. He's really cute. I've not had a pet in a long time. I'm usually a dog person, but this cat is kind of cool too. Maybe I'll keep him. I'll keep him for now and put up posters to see if anyone lost him. I kinda hope no one claims him though. He's really cute. A little indignant at times, but I think that was because I put him outside of the bedroom when Hijiri and I had....adult time. *niko niko* I opened the door afterwards but he pretended he didn't want to come in. Yet this morning I woke up to him nuzzled against my ear, purring very softly. I wonder what I'm going to call him... post comment

RAKKI! [27 Apr 2003|10:01am] [ mood | dreamy ] I feel so... happy. I must be a real annoyance to everyone though. I can't stop drifting off to sleep over all of this boring paperwork. Why? Hijiri came over last night for dinner, and let's just say he stayed for breakfast too. ^.^ LUCKY! I don't think we'll be doing much of that tonight though, I have to pack. I'm moving in about two or three days since Tatsumi is making Hisoka and I move in together over the whole shared debt thing. ^^; It shouldn't be too bad packing up, I don't have too many things besides furniture. And dishes. And utensils... and... wow. My kitchen might take a few more days to completely pack. @_@; I hope the new apartment has room! This whole move might cause some problems. I'm still not sure about how well Hisoka might handle Hijiri and I in the same house as him....doing things. We may have to go to Hijiri's. But then again, Watari may not like it either. Argh! I don't care......... I don't want to think about it. I just want to be happy. Even if we're not doing anything, I'm happy just being with him. Waaa, he's so cute. He's sitting at his desk now doing some paperwork his little nose twitching every once in a while as he concentrates. He looks like a small white rabbit with that soft skin of his too. <3 I think I'm gonna nickname him Usagi-chan. :3 post comment

And there went the trouble. [26 Apr 2003|09:03pm] [ mood | loved ] Today was weird. Strange. Scary. Incredibly.....GOOD. What looked like a bleak and lonely existance is now full of hope and promise. I'm so glad I stopped by Watari's lab today. We tested out a potion to promote hair growth. It worked. We both looked so strange with long hair.... Long hair suits Watari. ^^ Then I found something sweet that tasted nice. I just drank it. It smelled so much like strawberry cake.... That's when things went wrong. Soon as I drank it I got a little dizzy. The room was hot too. But Hijiri offered to take me to lunch, since Watari didn't feel like going. So I went instead and before we were done eating I felt like I would burn up. It was a lust potion. I couldn't help it. Hijiri came in to see if I was alright, and all I could do was touch his cool skin and kiss him in an attempt to put out the fire that had started over my nerves. He tried hard to keep me at bay but.... he eventually told me that he'd do it with me, just to keep from feeling pain. He called Watari before we went back to my place to get an antidote. I felt so damn stupid.... So useless.................So awful.......... It was like I was becoming Muraki. Just like Hisoka had said. All I could think about was Hisoka when it happened. He'd seemed so afraid of me when I'd admitted how I felt. How I touched him. Hijiri surely felt the same disgust, right? No. After Watari showed up (in an embarrassing situation I might add), and gave me the antidote, Hijiri and I talked. He LIKES me! He wants me.... I was so happy.... I wanted to make him happy. I asked him to be mine. I told him that he was special to me. He is. He saved me. And he saved me again today. I'm so glad....So happy. He's coming over for dinner tonight. *niko* It was a little embarrassing when Hisoka found out. Watari too. I should have known better than to kiss Hijiri in the office. I think...both of them were hurt. Hisoka especially. But.... I don't know anymore. Hisoka doesn't like me like that. We're friends. It doesn't matter my feelings for him if they aren't returned. Hijiri likes me though. And I like him. So we're happy. I can't wait for tonight. post comment

[26 Apr 2003|11:01am] [ mood | energetic ] ....................................... ............................................................................................... ................................................................................................................................It wasn't a dream. I can't believe it. I actually kissed him and ASKED him that. *holds head* And what's more, hung over at work yesterday, I let him know it was true. That humilation isn't the worst part, it's more about the fact that he told me when I kissed him..... I felt like Muraki. Well, more or less it was sort of familar sensation. Last night he came over and ran into Hijiri on his way up too. They got into a fight and Hisoka accidentally hurt him, using his powers. I hope Hijiri's alright. He seemed really stiff this morning when he came in... But after Hijiri went home, Hisoka came into my apartment and we talked. That's when he told me about Muraki and I feeling the same. And he told me never to do it again. I'm not sure what hurt more, but both stung a lot. I can't let him know that. After we'd talked, he gave me a note from Tatsumi-- Since Hisoka is taking half of my debt, we're both going to be poor. We have to move in together to make ends meet now. Tatsumi said he'd handle it... But because of this, I just have to rub salt into the wounds, and go on with a smile. I don't want to hurt Hisoka. And being sad like this is doing that. So I'll forget it and pretend it didn't happen. Afterall, I think that's what Hisoka wants to do too. Who could blame him? Watari asked me earlier to come to his lab. No doubt he wants to test something out. He's been sad lately too... I think I'll go and see him soon, and test out things for him. It's the least I can do, to cheer him up. Besides, I feel like I deserve some sort of punishment right now. post comment

Rejection [25 Apr 2003|02:48pm] [ mood | confused ] After drinking heavily the entirety of yesterday, I dreampt that Hisoka came to see me. He apologized. First hint that it was a dream. Second hint? I kissed him. Third hint? I asked him to sleep with me. Last hint? I woke up alone and cold this morning. At least it wasn't a nightmare like usual. No blood or guts or screams.... Today feels like a dream too. I came into work late, and no one said a word. Not even Tatsumi bothered me. It made me think about what Hisoka said in my dream "We're worried about you and we're giving you space." . It's come true. Then Hisoka told me that he had spoken to Konoe. He's taken half of my repayment to the division for himself. We're both working for free now. I don't know what to feel. I'm still dazed and hung over from yesterday. Maybe when I'm sober I'll be able to tell if I'm angry or not. I think some nice pink elephants would make this day a lot better. post comment

sleeping in. [23 Apr 2003|11:05am] [ mood | drained ] I slept in till 10:30 today. There were four messages on my answering machine, all from work. One from Tatsumi, one from Konoe, one from Watari.....and one from Hisoka. I listened to them-- except Hisoka's. I don't want to hear him right now. I spent the day cleaning my apartment. It was really dusty. The work helped me relax a bit. It was some menial task to do and didn't recquire much brain power. I don't like working if I need to think too much. Which is probably why I'm in working around Kyuushuu mainly. It's rare that I go anywhere else in the division but lately it seems like whenever something huge comes up, no matter where, I'm on it. Not my fault, Konoe always seems to shove me into it. Only because I have 12 of the most powerful shikigami.... I never ASKED them to be my shikis. I became their friends and they WANTED to be them... I couldn't refuse them, that would hurt their pride and feelings. I never asked for any of this... Hisoka told me that I should be happy they are my friends. And that I'm helping humanity because of it. Is it because I'm working for free now that all of this bad stuff is happening to me? Probably. Now I don't have a choice anymore. I'm nothing but a mere slave I guess. Hah. I'm really not sure if I really feel like doing this much anymore. I want to help people............... but am I really doing that? All I do is kill....... Bring souls up to their judgement. That's hardly helping humanity. When am I going to be allowed to rest? Never? Am I going to spend my whole eternity like this? Is eternity really forever? I hope not. post comment

Kyoto [22 Apr 2003|09:20pm] [ mood | sick ] It was long, drawn out, and it's still not over........ I don't feel like talking, writing, or thinking about it anymore. We destroyed Muraki's purpose, therefore it's alright. But for how long? I don't know. I had a headache all day. Hisoka and I spoke a little after the trip and our arrival here but the tension we have is still there between us. I wish I could......could explain to him better how I feel about this. Why I did some of the things I did. But whenever I look into his face, I can't. The words just disappear and leave me standing there, speechless in his full assault of anger, fear and sadness..... Sadness I caused. Konoe chewed me out today.............................................. I think I'd rather deal with a hundred lectures from him than look at Hisoka like I had to yesterday. That said.... I'm going home, and going to bed. And I'm unhooking my phone, because I don't particularly feel like listening to phone calls about me being late for work. I don't think I even want to come in at all anyway. So I probably won't. *sigh* I just need time alone for a while........ Let me pick up my piece and put them back together, minna. post comment

I don't know which end is up anymore. [21 Apr 2003|09:56am] [ mood | drained ] The train ride was probably the least volatile of the things we did last night.....It was pretty sombering for us all I think. We showed up in Kyoto around 11:30 at night. Pretty late if you ask me. We'd slept most of the trip too, so I knew I was going to be up all night. I just wish I hadn't seen him at the station. You know how, Muraki. He came to meet us, that cheeky bastard. He invited me to dinner, and told me he'd make sure I came... From the way he said it, it was disgusting, and I knew if I didn't agree then and there, a lot of blood was going to spill in Kyoto that night. So, despite a fuming Hisoka, I agreed. I told him if one murder was committed though, I would not come. He seemed to agree, and left us alone then. Hisoka was livid. I can't blame him I guess, for being so angry about it. But what can I do? Muraki's not interested in him, or Hijiri, or even Watari. He only seems to have attentions set on me, and I'm the only person he's going to let get close right now. So, we went to the hotel. Not much else to do but that. It was a nice hotel too, so that cheered us up somewhat... Till we saw our room. It has two beds alright-- one for each pair of shinigami! *sigh* Again Hisoka was pissed off. I couldn't stand it, having him look at me like that, so I decided to go down and get some dinner at the buffet. Didn't turn out so. I had a case of deja vu before I went to the dining hall... I don't know what it was exactly that tipped me off, but maybe it was just that I'd gotten so depressed I took notice in the little things. After going outside, I had my suspicions confirmed... We were staying in the same area as the bar.... the bar I'd gotten drunk at. I even saw that alley I gouged my eye out in. God knows I felt like doing it again..... But I restrained from it and went into the bar for a few drinks.... I didn't drink too much, but when I came out, Hisoka was there, confronting me. He was so angry at me for accepting Muraki's proposal... I explained to him why, and how I could have. He accused me of cutting off, of trying to handle it all myself. Maybe I am. We talked more.... He said Muraki was going to break me. That I couldn't handle it, because the way I looked and felt from just having a conversation with him had nearly knocked me off my stable footing. He said I was going to change... But that's what I want. I saw everything I needed to know here in Kyoto when I 'changed'. I don't remember any of it now.... But if I change, I will see it again. I'll see Muraki's reasons and his weakness. With Watari's camera, they'll be able to see what I cannot remember. Thus I'll be acting as a spy... Speaking of cameras-- Muraki's been bugging our rooms with cameras. When Hisoka and I went back to the hotel (after a short walk in the rain, and a police man bothering us thinking we were some couple making out in the park o_0;; we were just sitting under a small foot bridge, talking.) I recieved a heart shaped box from a bellhop. (God not another...) Guess what was inside? Pictures. of. me. naked. I'm going to kill him. I sent the box off to Tatsumi via messenger bird. I don't think I really need to have any explanation for him to come now. And if not, I'm sure the nosebleed will be a good enough repayment for him giving us two beds like that. *sigh* Watari was up all last night fixing up a spy cam out of the camera we found in our new room thanks to Muraki. I told him he's to go right to bed after he's done. No ifs ands or buts. And Hisoka and Hijiri are going to go out and find some information on that demon that's seemingly connected to Muraki. I want to be free so that when and if Tatsumi arrives, I can go shopping for souveneirs with him and possibly talk to him about some things I'm trying to find the answer to. post comment

Teriyaki [19 Apr 2003|06:59pm] [ mood | hungry ] Tatsumi wrote back. Not surprisingly he said that I shouldn't write to him like that. I don't have the pleasure to relax and scrawl meaningless words on paper when I could be working. Meaningless. Sigh. I've been informed that the inside workers of the complex Muraki owns have sent him word that Muraki's gone to Kyoto again, since we last saw him. Not only that, he's set up shop and has been killing again. Evidentally he makes frequent visits to the city. Everytime he was scheduled to visit, the murders began. Once he left, they stopped. How obvious can you get? He's teasing us. He's doing this out in the open, leaving present for us to find like a selfish cat. He knows the gifts don't please anyone much less make us want to keep him alive. But the fact that we can't just....KILL him....due to rules and regulations prevents us from doing much but clean up the mess. Hisoka and I just got settled in this hotel too. Oh well. We're picking up a train to Kyoto tommorrow morning. Hopefully we'll at least have two beds. Hisoka's in an absolutely horrid mood, and I swear he's marked Tatsumi with that gun of his. (I really need to hide it from him when we aren't on field work. He's scary with it! ;_;) As for today, we decided to pack it in if Muraki's in Kyoto as we speak. I got my bag packed, and Hisoka hadn't even bothered to unpack from hotel switches. I really like the skyline we have here. At night you can see the city, and all of it's twinkling lights. The cars below the building are like fireflies, buzzing to and fro in a dance. Despite the hotel's dull food and thin walls (I think the couple beside us are on a honeymoon. #^_^#) it has it's upsides. Speaking of the thin walls, there goes that couple again. I don't mind too much-- love is a wonderful thing. It's good to hear at least something positive during this ordeal. Human nature is like this hotel. It has it's downsides, but the good bits of it makes up for everything. I wish Watari could see Hisoka's face right now. He just look so cute and funny listening to them. He doesn't seem to notice me watching either, too caught up in trying to make more noise to cover the moans. Oops. He saw me. Or did he? I don't know. Looked down real fast to type this. *smile* I better go. I think going downstairs to get some dinner is what he wants to do. He's saying he's hungry but I think he just wants away from the noise. Perhaps the empathy is bothering him too. I didn't think of that before. Off to get food and help Hisoka make his blush go away. post comment

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