asaki yume mishi

10:42pm: surreal world
I know no one is actually reading this for the simple reason that I haven't defined any friends on this site. ^^ That's actually what I wanted... I have a livejournal (username = sanada) as well, but I'm sick of the attention whoring and constant bitching of everyone on there. And the backstabbing. And the angst.

Mainly I just want to write my true feelings about my girlfriend without hurting her. She really is kind and sweet, exactly the sort of person I would want for a girlfriend... if I wanted a girlfriend. I'm afraid I somehow got misguided... you see, we're roleplayers. We thought it would be fun to add some romance between our characters. At some point the lines between ourselves and who we play in chat rooms started to blur, and I started to think I was in love. It had never happened before, really - all of my dates were just guy friends who needed a last minute girl for a dance - so I thought it was really wonderful.

I realised that I had just been silly and sleep-deprived when I had decided that I loved her about a month after we started going out. I guess my idea of dating is still just seeing a concert together or hanging out with friends. She was already picking the color of our bedroom for when we live together. My parents wern't really happy with the whole "bisexual" thing, but the true is that I'm probably asexual. I mean, the few times I've spent the night with this girl, even though she is attractive, I just can't get interested. Lucky I can fake it... I'm not really into guys either... the thought of sex with one makes me nauseous. I'm just trying to establish that this is my problem, not hers.

It really is me... I'm just not a romantic. Cuddling does nothing for me. Nor do flowers, or love letters, or blushing. I don't want to get married and have kids. I don't want to be tied down... gods, I sound like a man. She's already choosing names for the kids. Really fucked up names, too... I'm still wondering how two chicks can have a baby. She clings to me. She wants me to make her blush. She wants to hear "I love you" a hundred times a day. She's not the girl I knew. The girl I knew was tough and took no shit, hated girliness and the southern way of life that she grew up in. Now she's becoming her mother, a limp dishrag of a woman. She can't even buy a box of hair dye anymore without moral support. I'm a cynic and an anti-romantic, so I know I'm somehow screwing things up.

I would just break up and go back to being friends if not for one thing. She is constantly saying how much she loves me. Even more frightening, she means it from the bottom of her heart. I should feel wonderful... I feel uncomfortable because it's one-sided. I don't want her to get hurt... she truly loves me, and I'mI still can't stand being touched. I wish I was in love. I'm begining to wonder if I can... even now as I talk to her like I do every night, I'm wincing every time I write "I love you"... because it's what she wants to hear and I want her to be happy. I really do... it's love, but not what she needs.

1:18am: waii, I have been lazy...
my internet is such crap that I haven't really updated lately... ^^;;; I think I'm make this journal public... what the hell, right?

Well, I just got back from nene's house, where I spent the past 3 days. She lives 2 hours away, which isn't too bad, I guess... to rural people like her, neighbors might live a few miles away... city kids like me can't grasp the bigness of the country. Frankly, it creeps me out. Me, Nene, and her older brother went joyriding through farm country... I had my head out the window pointing at animals like I was on safari. "Look, is that a real vulture?? They have those at the zoo!!"

It was a lot of fun. Her 3 brothers loved me... the ten year old was always blowing me kisses and trying to give me presents. I ate actual meat... apparently country people don't know that soy is a flavorful and environmentally wise meat substitue. ^^;; We were going to go on a little "date" to look at the stars, but it rained... it was okay, though, because we stayed up until four talking in strange quiet voices.

Her bed was sort of tall, and I was on the floor, but she held my hand until I fell asleep and it must have dropped... it felt so good just to have someone close to me, even if acter a while my hand went numb. ^^ The next night, I wedged myself next her her dresser in a terribly uncomfortable position so we could be closer. It was so dark that we couldn't see anything more than vague shapes, but we were still holding hands... I kissed her cheek and she kissed back... since it was so dark, I don't think we could have found lips without a lot of awkward nose biting. ^_^;;; It just felt so warm and right, we were giddy until we couldn't stay awake any longer.

I'm still nervous the she likes her ex girlfriend... but I think her ex is really nice, so I shouldn't be jealous... Nene is also really afraid to tell people.. she went out with her ex for 13 months and didn't tell anyone for 4... I didn;t know for 7... I am the sort of person who likes telling. I almost told my mum, for god's sakes, even though she was screaming about how terrible I am again. There was a really big fight... she makes fun of me for crying.

But it's okay. I have someone who I really treasure, and it feels so nice!

9:58pm: tooku, tooku
electric lines disect the sky
into cream colored stationary
cold blue ink slowly pools
from the open wound in my chest
the words I couldn't say
become a song with no melody
for an empty wind orchestra
a letter that I never sent