claire's Blurty
 
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 13 most recent journal entries recorded in claire's Blurty:

    Friday, September 19th, 2003
    7:53 pm
    I am not going to take this anymore
    Diary... Got off that dreaded Ambilify. I took it for three days and thought I was going out of my mind. If I wanted to feel like I had ingested three eight balls of cocaine.. I would have just done the cocaine instead. At least.. there would have been SOME good feeling that came out of it! It was absolutely sheer hell. I dont know how anyone can take that stuff. I felt like I was in a dream all day long for three days.. I felt like I was looking up from this dark well.. and nothing seemed real. It was hard to smile and it was hard to talk. I felt like I had soo much anxiety and I felt even more depressed. All I wanted to do was sleep. How anyone can take that medication.. I will never know!

    In getting off of that medication.. I feel like I am myself again. I see colors.. I hear music, I can smile and laugh. I am funny again and entertaining... I am sweet and personable. I am myself again. I am sorry, but if I only get depressed about two weeks out of the year.. I am willing to just be depressed for that time. I did NOT have a good experience with the head doctor nor the medication! IT just makes me lose faith in the medical field.

    Perhaps.. I should try something more geared towards anxiety. I just need something to calm me down every once in a while. I dont feel like I am depressed. I play three different musical instruments, I dance, I sing every in town, I write music for tv and film and I am constantly trying new things. That doesnt sound like someone that is depressed. I still look good... I weigh 140 but I am almost six feet tall.... I can feel myself aging sometimes though and that is depressing. I used to model and take things for granted.. Now we dont do that when we look in the mirror. Now all I do is look at my face and try to remember what it was like when I could look in the mirror and actually think that I was pretty. I want a face lift.. people think I am crazy. But I am a showgirl and without prime looks.. we get less and less work. I figure.. I have another good 15 years of showbiz ahead of me. I am sorry but this is THE place to be for AGED ARTISTS! I am in the right spot! LOL.. I just have to really be concerned if I end up at the Orleans. That is like the last stop before death.. LOL
    Wait, I think I one-upped that... I actually did a gig with "The Beav" the other night. I called my Mom and Dad laughing and told them, "You are not going to believe this".. It was the first time I had laughed in a while... It felt really good..
    7:32 pm
    How do I do this?
    Checking to see if this thing is working
    7:32 pm
    I am not going to take this anymore
    Diary... Got off that dreaded Ambilify. I took it for three days and thought I was going out of my mind. If I wanted to feel like I had ingested three eight balls of cocaine.. I would have just done the cocaine instead. At least.. there would have been SOME good feeling that came out of it! It was absolutely sheer hell. I dont know how anyone can take that stuff. I felt like I was in a dream all day long for three days.. I felt like I was looking up from this dark well.. and nothing seemed real. It was hard to smile and it was hard to talk. I felt like I had soo much anxiety and I felt even more depressed. All I wanted to do was sleep. How anyone can take that medication.. I will never know!

    In getting off of that medication.. I feel like I am myself again. I see colors.. I hear music, I can smile and laugh. I am funny again and entertaining... I am sweet and personable. I am myself again. I am sorry, but if I only get depressed about two weeks out of the year.. I am willing to just be depressed for that time. I did NOT have a good experience with the head doctor nor the medication! IT just makes me lose faith in the medical field.

    Perhaps.. I should try something more geared towards anxiety. I just need something to calm me down every once in a while. I dont feel like I am depressed. I play three different musical instruments, I dance, I sing every in town, I write music for tv and film and I am constantly trying new things. That doesnt sound like someone that is depressed. I still look good... I weigh 140 but I am almost six feet tall.... I can feel myself aging sometimes though and that is depressing. I used to model and take things for granted.. Now we dont do that when we look in the mirror. Now all I do is look at my face and try to remember what it was like when I could look in the mirror and actually think that I was pretty. I want a face lift.. people think I am crazy. But I am a showgirl and without prime looks.. we get less and less work. I figure.. I have another good 15 years of showbiz ahead of me. I am sorry but this is THE place to be for AGED ARTISTS! I am in the right spot! LOL.. I just have to really be concerned if I end up at the Orleans. That is like the last stop before death.. LOL
    Wait, I think I one-upped that... I actually did a gig with "The Beav" the other night. I called my Mom and Dad laughing and told them, "You are not going to believe this".. It was the first time I had laughed in a while... It felt really good..
    Saturday, September 13th, 2003
    1:19 pm
    foul mood..
    Layed in bed again.. all night long.. mind racing.. could not sleep for anything! Have to perform at one of the major casino's today.. I guess I dont mind if it gets me out of the house. I just hate walking through the damn casino.. they keep it fucking 25 degrees below zero but apparently no one in the whole fucking universe notices this except for me! I am an alien from outerspace.. and I stand on stage the whole night shivering, shaking and in misery because no one else thinks its freezing but me.

    Took my first Ambilify.. am waiting for the Heavens and the skies to open up and for me to hear angels singing.. its not happening.
    1:19 pm
    foul mood..
    Layed in bed again.. all night long.. mind racing.. could not sleep for anything! Have to perform at one of the major casino's today.. I guess I dont mind if it gets me out of the house. I just hate walking through the damn casino.. they keep it fucking 25 degrees below zero but apparently no one in the whole fucking universe notices this except for me! I am an alien from outerspace.. and I stand on stage the whole night shivering, shaking and in misery because no one else thinks its freezing but me.

    Took my first Ambilify.. am waiting for the Heavens and the skies to open up and for me to hear angels singing.. its not happening.
    1:19 pm
    foul mood..
    Layed in bed again.. all night long.. mind racing.. could not sleep for anything! Have to perform at one of the major casino's today.. I guess I dont mind if it gets me out of the house. I just hate walking through the damn casino.. they keep it fucking 25 degrees below zero but apparently no one in the whole fucking universe notices this except for me! I am an alien from outerspace.. and I stand on stage the whole night shivering, shaking and in misery because no one else thinks its freezing but me.

    Took my first Ambilify.. am waiting for the Heavens and the skies to open up and for me to hear angels singing.. its not happening.
    1:16 pm
    foul mood..
    Layed in bed again.. all night long.. mind racing.. could not sleep for anything! Have to perform at one of the major casino's today.. I guess I dont mind if it gets me out of the house. I just hate walking through the damn casino.. they keep it fucking 25 degrees below zero but apparently no one in the whole fucking universe notices this except for me! I am an alien from outerspace.. and I stand on stage the whole night shivering, shaking and in misery because no one else thinks its freezing but me.

    Took my first Ambilify.. am waiting for the Heavens and the skies to open up and for me to hear angels singing.. its not happening.
    12:33 am
    Woke up in the hospital again! Damn! I am not sure if I am mad that I woke up in the hospital or that i just woke up!!! This is what scares me.. i am a fully functional, very attractive, in shape 35 year old woman with a man who loves me and a great career! What do I have to be soo damn depressed about! I have lived a life that many people dream about.. great money, celebrities, partial fame.. this is shallow I know... these things are not important but it is to say this......There is only one answer.. I just THINK I am depressed! This silly old brain of me just tells me that life is not worth living sometimes... its like I have the devil in my head! I know that I should be happy! I know that I am lucky and loved! I must keep telling myself this!

    But sometimes.. like when I used to cut myself... I do something, anything.. to escape that low rumbling continual, annoying pain! Anything to make it stop! I cant remember all the times that I slashed my arms. I never felt the pain...! I dont really remember. But I have the scars to prove it. And they embarrase me sometimes.. I have to pull my arm away quickly when I think someone is noticing! And they are hard to hide when you are in the spotlight every night! I wonder what do they think? Do people think I am crazy? That is the hardest part of all! I am not crazy.. I just hurt so much that it drives me crazy!!. I guess I let it.. I guess if I was an insensitive bitch, then I would be just fine. Doesnt it seem like the most evil of people are just focused and soo calculated? Maybe... we really are the crazy ones because we dont let evil seep into our hearts and souls. Maybe its the other way around!

    I know how Elvis felt, how Jim Morrison felt, how Janis Joplin felt when they just kept self medicating themselves to the point of death. I have been there.. over and over and over.. except.. I always survive. All we want is to be loved.. our whole lives... all we do is sing for people.. entertain for people.. try to bring joy to people. But all people do to us is try to tear us down, rip us up, make us feel bad about ourselves... my agent is constantly trying to take away everything that makes me... me! And when I tell him.. I want to quit drinking.. he says.. "Dont stop" And when I told him I was getting on Meds and this was the last time he was going to see old Me.. he said "But I liked the Old you". This coming from someone who gets on to me every single fucking day about one thing or the other... being sick, or not putting enough energy in the show, or being hung because friends are in town, or being depressed, or feeling lethargic! I cant control these things! They control me! Seriously!! I cant win.!

    And now I read about all these people that are on meds and they feel like Zombies. Is that what is going to happen to me? Im scared! I am starting tomorrow.. will I turn into the Bride of Frankenstein? LOL ! How am I even going to know how I am acting? I havent really known how sick I have been my whole life? How am I going to know if I am better? Help me God!
    12:31 am
    what am I.. crazy?
    Woke up in the hospital again! Damn! I am not sure if I am mad that I woke up in the hospital or that i just woke up!!! This is what scares me.. i am a fully functional, very attractive, in shape 35 year old woman with a man who loves me and a great career! What do I have to be soo damn depressed about! I have lived a life that many people dream about.. great money, celebrities, partial fame.. this is shallow I know... these things are not important but it is to say this......There is only one answer.. I just THINK I am depressed! This silly old brain of me just tells me that life is not worth living sometimes... its like I have the devil in my head! I know that I should be happy! I know that I am lucky and loved! I must keep telling myself this!

    But sometimes.. like when I used to cut myself... I do something, anything.. to escape that low rumbling continual, annoying pain! Anything to make it stop! I cant remember all the times that I slashed my arms. I never felt the pain...! I dont really remember. But I have the scars to prove it. And they embarrase me sometimes.. I have to pull my arm away quickly when I think someone is noticing! And they are hard to hide when you are in the spotlight every night! I wonder what do they think? Do people think I am crazy? That is the hardest part of all! I am not crazy.. I just hurt so much that it drives me crazy!!. I guess I let it.. I guess if I was an insensitive bitch, then I would be just fine. Doesnt it seem like the most evil of people are just focused and soo calculated? Maybe... we really are the crazy ones because we dont let evil seep into our hearts and souls. Maybe its the other way around!

    I know how Elvis felt, how Jim Morrison felt, how Janis Joplin felt when they just kept self medicating themselves to the point of death. I have been there.. over and over and over.. except.. I always survive. All we want is to be loved.. our whole lives... all we do is sing for people.. entertain for people.. try to bring joy to people. But all people do to us is try to tear us down, rip us up, make us feel bad about ourselves... my agent is constantly trying to take away everything that makes me... me! And when I tell him.. I want to quit drinking.. he says.. "Dont stop" And when I told him I was getting on Meds and this was the last time he was going to see old Me.. he said "But I liked the Old you". This coming from someone who gets on to me every single fucking day about one thing or the other... being sick, or not putting enough energy in the show, or being hung because friends are in town, or being depressed, or feeling lethargic! I cant control these things! They control me! Seriously!! I cant win.!

    And now I read about all these people that are on meds and they feel like Zombies. Is that what is going to happen to me? Im scared! I am starting tomorrow.. will I turn into the Bride of Frankenstein? LOL ! How am I even going to know how I am acting? I havent really known how sick I have been my whole life? How am I going to know if I am better? Help me God!
    12:25 am
    what did I do?
    Woke up in the hospital again! Damn! I am not sure if I am mad that I woke up in the hospital or that i just woke up!!! This is what scares me.. i am a fully functional, very attractive, in shape 35 year old woman with a man who loves me and a great career! What do I have to be soo damn depressed about! I have lived a life that many people dream about.. great money, celebrities, partial fame.. this is shallow I know... these things are not important but it is to say this......There is only one answer.. I just THINK I am depressed! This silly old brain of me just tells me that life is not worth living sometimes... its like I have the devil in my head! I know that I should be happy! I know that I am lucky and loved! I must keep telling myself this!

    But sometimes.. like when I used to cut myself... I do something, anything.. to escape that low rumbling continual, annoying pain! Anything to make it stop! I cant remember all the times that I slashed my arms. I never felt the pain...! I dont really remember. But I have the scars to prove it. And they embarrase me sometimes.. I have to pull my arm away quickly when I think someone is noticing! And they are hard to hide when you are in the spotlight every night! I wonder what do they think? Do people think I am crazy? That is the hardest part of all! I am not crazy.. I just hurt so much that it drives me crazy!!. I guess I let it.. I guess if I was an insensitive bitch, then I would be just fine. Doesnt it seem like the most evil of people are just focused and soo calculated? Maybe... we really are the crazy ones because we dont let evil seep into our hearts and souls. Maybe its the other way around!

    I know how Elvis felt, how Jim Morrison felt, how Janis Joplin felt when they just kept self medicating themselves to the point of death. I have been there.. over and over and over.. except.. I always survive. All we want is to be loved.. our whole lives... all we do is sing for people.. entertain for people.. try to bring joy to people. But all people do to us is try to tear us down, rip us up, make us feel bad about ourselves... my agent is constantly trying to take away everything that makes me... me! And when I tell him.. I want to quit drinking.. he says.. "Dont stop" And when I told him I was getting on Meds and this was the last time he was going to see old Me.. he said "But I liked the Old you". This coming from someone who gets on to me every single fucking day about one thing or the other... being sick, or not putting enough energy in the show, or being hung because friends are in town, or being depressed, or feeling lethargic! I cant control these things! They control me! Seriously!! I cant win.!

    And now I read about all these people that are on meds and they feel like Zombies. Is that what is going to happen to me? Im scared! I am starting tomorrow.. will I turn into the Bride of Frankenstein? LOL ! How am I even going to know how I am acting? I havent really known how sick I have been my whole life? How am I going to know if I am better? Help me God!
    12:08 am
    what did I do?
    Woke up in the hospital again! Damn! I am not sure if I am mad that I woke up in the hospital or that i just woke up!!! This is what scares me.. i am a fully functional, very attractive, in shape 35 year old woman with a man who loves me and a great career! What do I have to be soo damn depressed about! I have lived a life that many people dream about.. great money, celebrities, partial fame.. this is shallow I know... these things are not important but it is to say this......There is only one answer.. I just THINK I am depressed! This silly old brain of me just tells me that life is not worth living sometimes... its like I have the devil in my head! I know that I should be happy! I know that I am lucky and loved! I must keep telling myself this!

    But sometimes.. like when I used to cut myself... I do something, anything.. to escape that low rumbling continual, annoying pain! Anything to make it stop! I cant remember all the times that I slashed my arms. I never felt the pain...! I dont really remember. But I have the scars to prove it. And they embarrase me sometimes.. I have to pull my arm away quickly when I think someone is noticing! And they are hard to hide when you are in the spotlight every night! I wonder what do they think? Do people think I am crazy? That is the hardest part of all! I am not crazy.. I just hurt so much that it drives me crazy!!. I guess I let it.. I guess if I was an insensitive bitch, then I would be just fine. Doesnt it seem like the most evil of people are just focused and soo calculated? Maybe... we really are the crazy ones because we dont let evil seep into our hearts and souls. Maybe its the other way around!

    I know how Elvis felt, how Jim Morrison felt, how Janis Joplin felt when they just kept self medicating themselves to the point of death. I have been there.. over and over and over.. except.. I always survive. All we want is to be loved.. our whole lives... all we do is sing for people.. entertain for people.. try to bring joy to people. But all people do to us is try to tear us down, rip us up, make us feel bad about ourselves... my agent is constantly trying to take away everything that makes me... me! And when I tell him.. I want to quit drinking.. he says.. "Dont stop" And when I told him I was getting on Meds and this was the last time he was going to see old Me.. he said "But I liked the Old you". This coming from someone who gets on to me every single fucking day about one thing or the other... being sick, or not putting enough energy in the show, or being hung because friends are in town, or being depressed, or feeling lethargic! I cant control these things! They control me! Seriously!! I cant win.!

    And now I read about all these people that are on meds and they feel like Zombies. Is that what is going to happen to me? Im scared! I am starting tomorrow.. will I turn into the Bride of Frankenstein? LOL ! How am I even going to know how I am acting? I havent really known how sick I have been my whole life? How am I going to know if I am better? Help me God!
    12:05 am
    making sure this is going to work
    I am not writing anything again until I make sure this works. I just lost an incredible first journal and I am furious about it!
    Friday, September 12th, 2003
    11:59 pm
    Fears came to fruition..
    Ahh.. I was soo afraid to go. I had this big fear of going. Like when I went the last time... but it was soo long ago. I am Bi-polar, or so they say. Who are they anyway? I havent been on Meds in a long time.. I havent been to a doctor in a long time.. I have been fine! A lot manic and some depression maybe once a year for a week or two at the most for five years! I thought I had it licked! But then.. hear comes good ole Sept and Oct. Something in my brain just fries... like a someone in an electric chair. I become suicidal.. nothing makes sense! I feel no joy, no excitement. I am overwhelmed by the simpest of things! I cant believe I have to wash my hair again! It all sounds soo ridiculous. But whose to say? I have a virus in my brain. I cant get it out.

    I went to a head doc for the first time today because I want to feel better. The last time I went was with my mother when I went home. The doc and i couldnt stand each other... he couldnt stand me because I know ME more then he knows ME! And I have been self studying mental illnesses for about 15 years now and I know my shit! They think just because we are not idiots when we go in there and dont look at them like they are GOD, that we are smart asses and that we really dont know anything.

    Let me tell you this.. this bastard talked to me for five minutes at my initial consultation and asked me about 2 questions before prescribing me something! I got very frustrated with him and said.. "So,you are going to talk to me for five minutes for 150 dollars and start shoving medicine in my body without even knowing who I am or what my symptoms are? What a crock! Am I bipolar? AM i ADD? or am I just an extremely sensitive person who is in showbiz.. living in a strange town mostly all alone... that has been through a soap opera life and just feels very intensely? Will I ever know?
About Blurty.com