-unzipped! she doesn't exist!!-

8:42pm: leaving
alright bitches, ive got a new journal, finally accepted into the coolness of livejournal----www.livejournal.com/users/truthinasubway
its been real.

7:07pm: breathe.......little girl
haha this hot water is really good::sarcasm:: i finally got hot cocoa but im so afraid im going to drink it all this week or something. so instead ill enjoy this water. its in a mug too so i keep expecting it to be tea or something. what a disappointment.
its been so cold. but very nice. i hope im not damning myself when i say i dont think this winter will be like the rest. i havent missed everyone being gone this week as much as i thought i would.
yesterday i saw one of my new favorite movies i saw a bit of in the summer, you're a big boy now directed by francis ford coppolla. i love those 60s movies. we need more go-go dancers and roller skating library workers. i also saw a great edition of subterranean last night with some videos from the songs on the lost in translation soundtrack. im going to buy that soon. eventually. when i get a job.
today i got some good ideas for this story ive been thinking about. im really excited. i think later ill sketch them out.
oh man. i saw the greatest boots, like space-agey and white with crazy straps a bit above the ankles. $42. not bad. ill ask for them for christmas. ooh. and i think im going to the gap tomorrow. yes. someone needs to come with me to salvation army! i will not ask again!
you know i hate people giving me gifts. i think i would much rather earn the money myself and buy it.
list of movies i need to see-
kill bill
blue velvet and other david lynch films
velvet goldmine(hey! ewan mcgregor, thurston moore, AND thom yorke are in this!! what the hell?! why havent i seen this?!)
you're a big boy now(again)
lost in translation(again)
elephant(really want to see this, but ill probably wait until it comes out on dvd or something.)
anything else? geez. water has never tasted so horrible!
hey you know, i am really liking the mars volta cd. and the postal service. ooh. the postal service...
"You seem so out of context,
In this gaudy apartment complex.
A stranger with no door key,
Explaining that I'm just visiting.
And I am finally seeing,
Why I Was The One Worth Leaving.

D.C. sleeps alone tonight."

8:14pm: here's a story for the kids...
geez. i never write in here. ever. and if i ever want to i always lose interest after about a paragraph.
maybe it will be different today.
the concert was amazing. it was my first. i really cant believe my parents let me. chelseas sister was so cool too.i almost pissed my pants. especially when i saw nick zinner for the first time. he is gorgeous, and so intimidating. and then of course karen o. i cant believe i fucking met her. i wish i could put the picture on here. we both look really stupid because somehow all the smoke from the entire club migrated over there so i look like im crying.there was a ton of super cool people there too. the show was so crazy. i dont know if anything will ever live up to it. seriously. crazy screaming. spitting water. i cant even describe it. they played pin, art star, maps, all my favorites of theirs. the sad songs were really good. it was really incredible. my hair smelled like cigarettes like days afterwards, which didnt really bother me. it was crowded as hell in there. it was amazing.my only regret is that i stupidly bought like the smallest shirt they had. oh well.
what the hell. my brother was just reading this.
so. ive been really sleepy since then. i cant really remember what happened the day after the show, and the week(s) that followed. i dont know if thats because of my lack of sleep or not. so its been like fake erin for a while.
and also we had the retreat. that was pretty fun. i think it was good just to get away from my house.
but today, my dad showed me all his old records and guess what he had?!
ill tell you.
DEVO! how awesome. i think it was my moms though. i also a bunch of the beatles stuff,led zepellin(sp?),rolling stones,rem,u2,talking heads and the guy who sings "i wear my sunglasses at night" its so great. im really excited about the devo. except i dont have a player! so i can just look at them. but i think my parents will probably get me one. because theyre great.
thanksgiving week! woo!
what are we doing kids?
ill tell you. elf. kill bill. shoot my godforsaken video. dance party. til 6 in the "monin'" and i think im going to barnes and noble for like a day. i need the coffee.
damn. i cant wait til i get my cd burned. its going to be fancy.
shower? i probably should.
homework? probably.
"This old man
He come a lot
It’s in your hair
And I don’t care
I’m not all right
I’m not all right
It’s in your hair
No, I want to wait for someone like you"

11:12pm: how about a little less questions and a bit more shut the hell up?
christ its soo late
but im still not going to sleep
i should probably be freaking out about english stuff. naah. save it for later.
why is there nothing on on fridays? why am i forced to watch reba? answer me someone.
well eventually i will have to talk to my dad about the show. i hope to god he will let me. there is the slightest shred of hope that they will let me go. so many times i wish i had a family that didnt care about me. i havent even really thought about the concert. im so afraid that i wont go and ill end up plummeting into some horrible depression that will be worse than other winters. i hope not.
i realized the other day that im lacking a lot of emotions that people are supposed to feel. i suppose my lack of sleep isnt helping this. programming idiots.
that liquor is looking really good right now.
"Talk to me now I'm older
Your friend told you 'cause I told her
Friday nights have been lonely
Change your plans and then phone me.

We could go and get 40s
Fuck goin' to that party
Oh really, your folks are away now?
Alright, let's go, you convinced me."

11:51pm: take me down
oh someone please take me away.
the party sucked by the way. im soo tired. i should watch donnie darko but i dont know if ill be able to stay up so late. there is some crazy people down the street playing halloween music all night. dammit.
this morning i woke up and took a walk in my neighborhood. i hate fayetteville. im seriously considering going to new york for a semester. that would be so great. of course i havent discussed this with anyone at all, but i think it would be the closest thing to being a foreign exchange student. i feel stuck. i think i would like it better up there.
its nice to have a weekend with nothing to do. im very happy about that. ill probably end up sleeping or something.
"in those five minutes my signal was jammed
the frequencies that i received were so pure that i almost believed that the sight of the hole in your head was a
thing that my heart could endure."

12:13am: -la danse de la guerre mondialle-
holy christ.
november.tenth.twenty-oh-three.echolounge.8-oh-clock.monday:-(.all-ages-show.twelve-dollahs.
but whos playing, you may ask?
tall-boys.entrance.


oh.right.
THE MOTHER-EFFING YEAH YEAH YEAHS!!!!! CHRIST YES. whos coming with me!?
monday is a sucky day to have it though.i-dont-care.regardless. we-are-going.

9:01pm: i know trains crash every day
why do i only write in here once a week? crazy. school is what holds my life together sadly.
i am really sick of my parents. i dont even feel like talking to anyone in my family anymore and i dont really anymore. i lost any desire to get my license today. im so sick of listening to my mother scream at me when i drive that im not even going to do it anymore. its not like im getting a car ever.
i always think other peoples dreams are so easy to figure out for them, but mine never are. except last night. why are my dreams always about mr craig? hes like haunting me.
oh degrassi was great today. what an amazing show haha.
what are we doing tomorrow?! i still dont know. i hope im not going to six flags.
this entry just got stupid really fast.
lost in translation was awesome. i need to see it again. the music was good, which reminds me--dot-dash comes on tomorrow.
is anyone going to homecoming? i dont know if i should, but i probably wont.
i really dont know who im addressing right now, because nobody reads this whatsoever.
by the way, would anyone be willing to donate chocolate milk and/or hot cocoa mix? i will be needing some.
i need to watch amelie.

7:17pm: maxed out like a credit card
damn, another saturday of doing nothing/ taking personality quizzes (my hip hop boyfriend is eminem. how disappointing). why do i only have like one friend? also, why does every single movie ive ever wanter to see come on when i cant watch it
lost in translation is playing locally!!
tomorrow=lost in translation+ice cream. SOMEONE>lets do it. i really only thought that was going to be independently released but it obviously isnt. which is good for me.
oh man. today i stupidly asked my mom to take me to the salvation army. i was only looking for sweaters but i got so caught up i was in there for like an hour and a half. i found the most lovely awesome piece of clothing god has ever seen- this crazy 50s wife dress that i named "geometry homework" not only was it the most splendid piece of delightfulness i have ever seen, but it actually looked good on me which has never happened before. i also found an awesome sweater vest and a black and white print skirt. until mother came in. and claimed my delightful geometric article of clothing had a stain on it and would NOT let me buy it!!!! after this, i went slightly insane and threw all i was going to buy on the couch nearby and left the store with my mother trailing behind me. then i was driving home and i was still so pissed off and i took this insane u-turn at like 50 mph and almost flipped the van, all of this with the loudest screaming ive ever heard ever from my mother. it was crazy. i still dont know if i was actually that angry when i did all this but i just went with the motions of anger. so i guess im not getting any clothes for a while. however, my dad came in my room and gave me $25 for no apparent reason. its too bad i dont have anyone to spend it with.
i desperately need a boyfriend, especially for winter which i feel like is coming so fast. with a car. and cute hair. and a good taste in music.
.........this is never going to happen.

11:15pm: junior high love affair is okay.
i hope that when the world comes to an end i can breathe a sigh of relief, because there will be so much to look forward to...

9:57pm: wake up
"it was as though this plan had been with him all his life, pondered though the seasons, now in his fifteenth year crystallized with the pain of puberty"
we went to the fair. it was a frightening experience, about halfway through i was completely distant. something about me. something about the fair and the feeling i got. i feel as though i was just put here, and at the same time i feel like ive been living forever. the lights, everything. high as a kite. i was so happy but its different now and i dont know what it is. somehow i feel distached from everything i once knew, but when i think about it more i realize how much i dont know. something made me feel as if everything is watching wanting. i felt very alone but it was alright, it was a strange feeling, realizing that i feel the same way the world feels to me- indifferent. and tonight it just felt like i was completely by myself in what seemed to be a sea of the human race and i did not fit. all the time it just feels like everyone ive ever been attracted to is drawn to her instead of me. even if im not attracted to someone. theyre flirting. i dont know why this still bothers me since its been happening to me for 4 years. and yet i understand that i am not anything anyone wants and even though i feel like i am treated like an abnormal human with no sex, i do not feel offended anymore.i dont know why i still expect everything to be fair, why would i think that the world is a kind place. why would i think that i dont deserve something when i probably do. i feel as though i should be depressed but i just feel tired and completely indifferent. its alright.

"sometimes im afraid that you'll tell me that this is not a work of fiction."