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Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
someguyneil
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7:34p
There was a day when C drove all the way to my house to apologise in person for something she'd done in the beginning of our relationship (Google me and read this journal).
Between the time I found out what she'd done and the time she arrived at my door, I was going to dump her because of it. To me it was a serious offence.
I gave her a second chance.
Funny how 3 years on I am not reciprocated the same opportunity. Seems okay for her to always put conditions on my behaviour.
Sigh... I've been thinking about her so much today. I am still in a phase in my heart where I would take her back in an instant.
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someguyneil
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1:43p
Dear Chanelle
You were my whole world. I did everything to try make you happy but it was like trying to refill a leaking bucket.
I hope one day you go through a crisis that teaches you to have empathy for your future husband - who obviously won't be me. It will stand you in good stead for your career. You only ever thought of yourself and your nymphomaniacal vagina in this relationship. The sex was bad, but so was the stress I was under. The business was getting better right at the time you decided to throw the towel in. You're a fucking quitter. You're not strong enough for me. I want a woman.
I haven't come inside a woman for over 3 years. Do you realise how stressful that makes sex for a man? What sort of compromise I resorted to because I wanted to be with you? How I could never face you in the morning because your breath was so bad - do you know how much that upset me?
You're so stubborn and want everything your way. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices for the greater good. You'll realise this one day when you wake up next to your new ugly little Samoan boyfriend and think, fuck, Neil was actually creating an awesome life, and I could've been part of it. But I'm so short-sighted. You'll realise even quicker one day when your parents stop paying for everything. That won't happen though. Princess will always have Daddy's credit card.
I should probably thank you for letting me off the hook of bad sex, arguments and a monocular life in that shit hole area.
I fucking loved you. And I fucking hate you for making me extinguish this unwavering devotion I had for you, even though you treated me like shit. I grew to love you after you pursued me relentlessly and I really didn't want anything to do with you because you were, and still are, a nosy fucking Parker: Opening my mail, searching my laptop and checking my cell phone. Your insecurities impact your own self esteem - I have fuck all to do with that.
I would look at you and think you were the cutest thing since sliced bread. I considered spending the rest of my days with you at the expense of my own values. But I guess with your shitty appreciation for the dollar, some way you would've destroyed me. Possibly. I could be wrong, but I'm angry. And you're young. Too young with no life experience to understand any of this... really.
One day you'll wake up when that huge, ugly tattoo from your new boyfriend is melting down your flank, over your muffin roll because you've stopped working out after the birth of your ugly Samoan baby, and think, "Dammit, the grass isn't greener."
Have a crisis, for God's sake. It will make you softer and more appealing as a person who can really listen when your "One" tells you he's depressed, is borderline bankrupt and needs help.
That won't happen of course - I forgot - you're at personal training today.
Have a great life.
The one who loved you and never asked for anything, ever,
Neil.
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someguyneil
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11:11a
From Bill the Legend... took me 2 years to learn this... "Starting a practice is not easy. Much of the difficulty arises from one's expectations not meeting reality. Add to this the fear of rejection and you have a formula that paralyzes many new graduates. Welcome. You've just taken the first pop quiz at the School of Hard Knocks!"
http://www.patientmedia.com/solutions/newdoctors/prep_school.htm
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(comment on this) Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
someguyneil
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11:34a
Pointless Days
I sit here in my pajamas at 11.35AM on a Wednesday morning, grateful that I don't have to go into practice today. Or any Wednesday for that matter. The last 12 weeks have been very unproductive.
A coach said to me in July that I should journal more as I'm good at it. This website I've been reading ( http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=4391 ) says that too. It also suggests treating a breakup/divorce like you've got the flu: Stay home, take it easy, sleep, rest, treat yourself etc. I don't think the flu usually lasts 3 months though. It's been a couple of weeks since she said she doesn't love me anymore. I felt like my heart was ripped out right through my chest wall. It was one of the most singular painful experiences I've ever had. I'm still reeling.
I cry everyday. I still cry. The hurt is relentless. My attempts to reconcile with myself seem futile right now. I made mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. Last year was excusable - this year maybe not? Things were getting better, weren't they? Financially where was I? I was making more money but the expenses were still really high. I had to make up an extra $2,000 a month that Graham wasn't bringing in any longer (an extra 15 clients a week!) right from January plus cover the latter third of coaching which was $6,000. And basically get the practice started again with January-itis. The pressure wasn't really relieved. I still had to work hard. But the breakup has shown me that I worried hard too. It was destructive.
I've gone completely the other way. I haven't done ANYTHING for 3 months. Well, that's what it feels like. I did one talk on Sep 1st when I still had energy. Then I joined a BNI group. And did one marketing activity of sending out flyers to a breast cancer fund raiser. The rest of the time... crying, mourning, walking, praying, crying. Feeling like I'm in a perpetual state of regret. Did I really do my best? Why couldn't we turn it around? Why did we fight so much? Why didn't I figure out the pregnancy thing and sit down and talk about it? The endless questions are exhausting and I can only wait for them to run out of steam. That's what I usually try achieve with walking. It takes me about an hour for the thoughts to petre out because I'm knackered after the walk.
I don't go to gym anymore - I can't bare being by myself there. I have cried so many tears we could probably measure it in litres. There are things I could have done better. And I can only own up for myself. There were things she could have done better too I suppose, but I'll never know. The changes I've made now I could've made months ago. Like Pip said the other day after we changed Friday afternoon shifts to Friday morning shifts: We should have done that months ago! Should have... should have... should have...
It's exhausting. I'm so tired. I feel like 2008 and 2009 is one big blur, mixed together in one big mess of stress, anxiety, hurt, fear, pain, sickness, hurt, anger, frustration, death and mourning. I can't see the reason(s) behind any of this and don't understand it all. Were the external factors on our relationship - and me - that great? Or did we not have what it took to begin with? I mean, we used to argue before I even started the business, but everyone argues, right?
I sit here angry and tearful. I feel like hurting myself. But I don't of course. I feel anger for my obsession with getting out of near bankruptcy totally destroy the relationship. I feel angry for the habits I created through the process like coming home and being miserable for the sake of being miserable. Why didn't I just take some of the money I had and spend it on a night out? Have some fun for God's sake!
I made mistakes. And I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, my heart implodes at the sound of the keyboard typing these words. I paid too much into debt and not enough into myself and my relationship. I look at my goal book and under "relationship" had very little to write. Is that my fault. What did she write? Did she try? There were so many things that were starting to change around July. So many good things. Why didn't she just hang on that little bit longer?? God, the pain is unbearable. Please let this all make sense one day, Lord. I beg you.
current mood:  melancholy
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