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11th July 2003

4:19pm: i dont think anyone ever read this but just in case...my new journal ive been actually updating is http://www.livejournal.com/users/troublbreathing/

check it ouuut

19th May 2003

10:42pm: im bad at this updating game...

i started working at the rye airfield on friday. im officially not working at shaws. i like it at rye though. im one of 3 girls that works there so the girl:guy ratio is definatly in my favor. theres this kid named chris that i want. he was there when i went in for my interview. he jumped over the counter and showed me where to go. but we worked together all sunday morning and went to wendys together for lunch. hes wicked hot and hes in a band :) yea...i love work

i purged today already and im mid-binge as we speak so thatll be 2 b/ps for today. bad me.

OH...theres a girl named ashley i work with that is soo pretty and TINY..well she showed me a picture from before and she looks my size-ish in it. it had to have been taken in the past year which means shes lost a bunch of weight. i couldnt help but think maybe she had an ED. well at least she triggered the hell out of me...

theres 10 days of real school left...thank god
Current Mood: okay
Current Music: yellowcard - the powder

13th May 2003

11:02am: shit i was going to be good and update a lot...
its hard to update when there's always people in my house
a lot has happened recently actually
last week i hung out with two friends i hadnt hung out with in ages.
i hung out with anna on saturday the 3rd for the first time in about 6 months. we had just stopped being friends. it was weird and it sucked and thats why i left market basket. i stopped being with all of those kids from mb.
but even weirder was on tuesday i hung out with kelsea. for the first time in almost a year. a whole fucking year. and we used to be BEST friends. it was weird because it was like everything was the same yet nothing was the same. we could talk like nothing happened but we had a lot of stuff to fill each other in on. i miss her so much. we helped each other through a lot of shit last year. she said i made her actually go to school and stop drinking and whatnot. and she was there for me when i was the most depressed ive ever been.
i dont really know whats going to happen now

buuuut i finally have a job. its shaws...a grocery store. another one. but at least ill be in the grocery dept. no more of that front end shit.
but yea so that interview was friday. and it just figures that once i finally gave up and went to shaws, the rye airfield called me. its a skatepark nearby and i want the job wicked bad. i have an interview there afterschool today and im quite scared. i hope i get it

also...i need a boy. i want a skinny emo boy who will shop at goodwill with me. can i set my standards a little higher? doesnt matter cause its not going to happen anyways.
im too fucking fat for any guy to want me. im back to wearing my fat pants from december and im not happy about it. i finally fit into the 5's i wore in 10th grade. then i had to go to florida and i lost my whole system. ive been binging ever since and im just too fucking tired to purge. i do it maybe 2 times a week now. im so lazy.
im trying to get back on track...
Current Mood: anxious
Current Music: the Brand New cd that doesnt come out until 6/17. it sucks

6th May 2003

11:37am: good to know....

take the death quiz.

and go to mewing.net. laura = great.

8:03am: holy shit
the yellowcard/rufio concert was awesome
i ended going with just wes and mikey because sallys dad wouldnt let her go. it was quite interesting with the two of them.
i love small venues like the axis. i had never been there, but i saw sum 41 and unwritten law at the avalon a year and a half ago. theyre awesome because theyre so personal and you can actually see who's playing.
i liked Dont Look Down. they opened and i thought they were really good. i bought their ep and a tshirt.
i also got a rufio tshirt. what can i say...i like to spend my nonexistant money.
but damn...i saw some hot boys there. however...with mikey and wes i couldnt exactly do anything :)
yellowcard's normal singer didnt perform because he messed up his jaw or something. and they didnt perform rough draft. i had heard they dont do that live but its my faaavorite song so i was still sad.

but all in all it was a pretty fucking awesome concert
Current Mood: happy
Current Music: dispatch - the general

4th May 2003

10:56am: its early. sally is coming over in a minute to show me her quilt. i just figured id update real quick.
nothing new is going on. ive been posting a lot more at lb in the past few days. i guess theres just more posts that i feel i have something to say about. i dunno.
people are making loud noises outside my house
my mom is officially in love with ray. he was the guy that redid our bathroom about a month ago. theyve been together just about every day. im happy for her i guess.
it kind of sucks that my mom is getting action and im not...


oh well

the closer i get to leaving for college the more ive been realizing things. like that there are a lot of people i will probably never see again. except for maybe chance meetings at random places. but really. its weird to think about. not that i mind seeing as i dont like most of the people at my school. but there are some ill be sad about.

it sucks that i pour my heart out in this thing for nobody.
seriously...is there anyone who reads this?
it would be cool if i wasnt wasting time
but im hoping someone might actually come across little ole me and read about my life.
but im not holding my breath.
Current Mood: pleased
Current Music: alkaline trio - another innocent girl

1st May 2003

7:17pm: its wicked cold.
its fucking may.
im getting reeeeally sick of school. i think theres like 22 real days of school left. god i cant wait til i graduate.
i did nothing today. nothing. except watch lifetime movies on anorexia which triggered me to b/p....oh well
so im definatly going to the yellowcard/rufio concert on monday! its going to be me, sal, wes, mikey and maybe others. im exciiiited :)
my room looks really nice with the new rug and whatnot. its clean. for once.

lamb had her abenaqui interview yesterday. she said we already have the jobs, but that diane said she might not be able to give us the hours we want so we should have another job on the side. that sucks. she doesnt know what shes doing.

OH ive decided what i want to do with my life. i want to open a club where bands play. i want to manage one. i think i could do so good. i was a really good market basket front end asst manager. i could so do it. im good at telling people what to do and im good at organizing those kinds of things. plus it would be fucking awesome!

going to research what i would have to do to get to manage a venue...
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: the starting line - three's a charm

30th April 2003

8:43pm: meh.
i love that word :)

so i had an interview yesterday at a bar in durham. its not opening for another month or so but the owner is niki's cousin so ive got connections. it went well enough...
i also have an interview on friday at abenaqui country club. me and lamb both applied and would be starting as bus boys (girls).
im getting so desperate im starting to consider working at shaws. but only if they would let me work in grocery.i cant stand anymore of that front end of grocery stores shit.

hmmm what else

OH...i might be going to the yellowcard/rufio show at the axis in boston on monday!! im wicked excited. sally just told me about it this morning. but oh man i would soo love to see both of them live.
im so happy that its getting warm and becoming concert season.
heres the concerts i already know im going to:
may5th: yellowcard/rufio (most likely) (boston- axis)
may 22nd: alkaline trio ( worchester - palladium i think?)
may 25th: dane cook (hes a comedian so it doesnt really count as a concert but im putting it in anyways)(boston- comedy connection)
july 22nd: bon jovi (shut up you know you are jealous :) ) (foxboro- gilette stadium)
july 31st? i think thats the date: the warped tour (boston-suffolk downs)

thats it soo far i think..
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: yellowcard - big apple heartbreak

27th April 2003

8:31pm: i want matt. wicked bad.
this is not a good thing for a couple of reasons.
1. he has a girlfriend...and shes wicked nice.
2. mikey really likes me. mikey and matt are good friends.
3. mikey used to like addie. addie went for matt instead. now everyone hates addie. i dont want to be like addie.
when i was in florida, sally told me that matt said something to matt along the lines of he "kind of wants to slam me." well i didnt know what to do so i didnt do anything and before i knew what happened, he was going out with niki.
but its times like last night, at the sad cafe, when i realize that i want matt wicked bad. i think me and him could have a lot of fun together. and thats what i really want right now. FUN.
well on another note...the show last night was fun. there was a wicked cute boy who looked like gordo from lizzie mcguire. ive got to stop checking out the little boys lol

it sucks that vacation is over. i really really really dont want to go to school tomorrow. but hey at least there is only 6 more weeks of my high school career :D graduation is june 13th. yea friday the 13th. its a good thing im not superstitious.
alright well i have nothing else exciting to update about.

no one comments in my journal. does that mean i suck?
Current Mood: full
Current Music: no use for a name - international you day

23rd April 2003

12:06am: This crucifix is my four leaf clover
I put it all on black
The color you're all dressed in
And a stab in the back
Left you bleeding on the floor
And their mourning the death
The recent passing of your insides
I smile and regret
Everytime I think of how I spoke to you

I put it all in back
Of my mind where I hold you
I'm just trying to keep track
How far back it really goes
And I'm living in lack
Of the blood sent from the heavens
I'm just tryin to relax
As a killer's waiting right outside my door

What's black and white was red all over
This tired, busted, organ donor

Sweet blasphemy, my giving tree
It hasn't rained in years
I bring to you this sacrificial offering of virgin ears
Leave it to me, I'll remain free
From all the comforts home
And where that is, I'm pleased as pissed to say
I'll never really know

I put 'em all in black
The four walls of my bedroom
And I trimmed and then bled
Peeled your picture off the wall
And I'm living in lack
Of the blood sent from your heartbeat
That arrived in your neck
Everytime I salivated over you

What's upside down was coated in silver
This crucifix is my four leaf clover

Sweet blasphemy, my giving tree
It hasn't rained in years
I bring to you this sacrificial offering of virgin ears
Leave it to me, I'll remain free
From all the comforts home
And where that is, I'm pleased as pissed to say
I'll never really know

One of these days
It's gonna catch up to you
Throwin looks like those around
And one of these nights
I promise to you
I'll soon be sleeping sound
As soon as I leave town

~all in black

i love that song.
to anyone who doesnt know...good mourning comes out may 15th. i already made my free version on my computer. its an awesome cd. "this could be love" is also a damn good song.
it sucks that we arent getting to go see alkaline trio in lancaster, PA on friday like we planned. but we will still see them in worchester, MA on may 22nd.
so yea
i did nothing today. i left sal's at 930am-ish because she had to work at 10. i was planning on going back to sleep but instead i wasted my time online and watching useless daytime tv.
i took a nap at 5pm and then at about 630 i talked to jess and we decided to go to the salem mall. we were bored and theres nothing to do around here anyways.
*ps- one thing that really sucks about black hair is that it always looks greasy. so i had to wash my hair before i went out. i liked it better when i could shower every other day or so.haha shut up being dirty is cool sometimes.
ahem anyways
so we basically just walked around the virtually empty mall and were bored. then we came home.
but its okay because i have missed jess a ton. since i quit market basket, i havent hung out with any exeter kids except jess but lately thats even been less and less. shes an awesome kid though.
alright....well i think im going to bed early.
tomorrow(technically later on today as it is after midnight) we are celebrating my birthday (which was 2 months ago) and my cousin's birthday with my aunts and uncles and cousins. **cant wait**
Current Mood: bouncy
Current Music: alkaline trio- "all in black" then "bloodied up"

22nd April 2003

11:43am: god i love vacation.
yesterday was naomi's 18th bday so we partied at wes' and then naomi, lauren and i slept at sal's. good times were had. i woke up to some dane cook on the computer. naomi loves him as much as i do. its awesome. i cant wait until may 25 when i get to see him in boston!!!
so on a different note...mikey came with me in my car to sal's last night and he was being really quiet. i kept asking him what was wrong but he wouldnt tell me. once we pulled into the driveway he was like "wait..before we go inside, can we talk?"
now to me, those are really scary words. so i was like umm ok. and he asked what was going on with us and if i wanted us to be just friends or something more. i basically told him im screwed up and i never know what i want. i feel SO bad. i really really really dont want to hurt him. hes such a sweetheart. i suck at life.
i think im depressed because its vacation and its raining. it was nice out yesterday. i had a job interview at tj maxx. i dont really know how it went. but i need a fucking job. im sooo poor right now its not even funny.
my wrist hurts. so im wearing my wrist brace. it looks cool.
thats all i got for today
Current Mood: apathetic
Current Music: howie day - she says

20th April 2003

2:56am: quizzes are fun :)
you suck, and that's sad
you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit

which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

sex appeal

(results contain pictures) What kind of ANIME BOOBS do you have?
brought to you by Quizilla

You're Perfect ^^
-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.

What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

You like to talk,
you like to run,
but most of all you like to have fun.

Which drug should you be hooked on? [now with pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla

Yellow info
Your Heart is Yellow

What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

I am punk music!!
Rock on, dude! You are Punk music!

What type of music are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Laid-Back Virgin

What Kind of Virgin Are You?
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you're indie!

How can I label you?
brought to you by Quizilla

haha ok im done
Current Mood: sleepy
Current Music: yellowcard - rough draft
2:07am: so hey its me
so ive never had a journal before. i dont think i will be very interesting...but hey its 2am and im bored.
its officially april vacation and damn did i need it. i dont think im doing much unless the road trip thats planned is going to happen. it was supposed to be me, sally, wes, mikey, and nick i think going to pennsylvania to see alkaline trio in concert. but nick and wes' parents arent very okay with it. i hope we can. road trips are awesome. especially to see alkaline trio! im seeing them next month in worchester but still.
i have plans to hang out with mikey tomorrow. hes a great guy. we have so much in common. and the other day he told me he loved me. it scared the hell out of me. im such a guy when it comes to relationships. commitment scares me shitless. but at the same time i want to be in love more than anything on earth. i had a little crush on mikey before he told me that, but the same thing happened that always happens when guys tell me they like me...i started to not like him as much. i dont know why i do that. the second i get what i thought i want...i realize that hey maybe i dont want that. im so screwed up. mikey is such a sweet guy and the last thing on earth i want to do is hurt him. i dont know what to do. i also dont want to screw up the group dynamics. intergroup dating never works. with the exception of sally and wes and nick and lauren. but they were together before the group formed or something.
so anyway...we had this love talk last sunday. it went something like this:
mikey: i love you
me: no you dont
i told him im not a lovable person and that having known me only about 2 months he certainly cant be in love with me. he asked what the time limit on love is. i didnt really have an answer for that one, having never been in love before.
i think im done with this first installment in my first online journal.
Current Mood: bored
Current Music: alkaline trio- sorry about that
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