Blurty for Something Incongruent.

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Sunday, March 14th, 2004

Subject:Love: A Rant
Time:10:38 pm.
Mood: curious.
Music:More than the human ear can handle..
I've looked everywhere for love.
I've given up on love.
I've cried over love lost,
Love stolen
And love broken.
I have searched far and wide for love
For someone to love, and for someone
To truly love me in return...
But the truth is, love has been here
All along.
I have just been to selfish, too blind,
To eager, to stubborn, and to wrapped up
To notice love blooming right infront of me.
The only trouble is...
I fear love.
What do you do when you find love?
You search the world for somone to love you
When right under your nose someone already does;
You're just too stupid to notice...
Notice how long he's been waiting, trying
Gasping, longing... loving.
And then you go into the sudden stage of confusion
And misunderstandment for yourself and for him.
And your world begins jumping, and your eyes grow
Wide and you are lost within yourself and the love that
Has always been there for you.
Stupidity runs through your veins and then you lose
The love once had.
God I hate this feeling...
Some people fear death, some fear
The darkness.
I fear love, what more is there to say?
I fall into a dark hole of insecurity and insanity
I mumble over my words, never sleeping and never
Thinking straight.
Love is not something you say
Love is something you feel, something you trust
For your entire life... with someone else.
I fear everything about it... and that scares me.
eyes glued shut.

Saturday, March 13th, 2004

Time:3:50 pm.
people can be really beautiful sometimes
i think i should slow things down and just watch life move on
watch spring come and watch the flowers bloom
things like that really make me feel wonderful
i love watching people fall in love - no matter how lonely it makes myself feel, seeing others hopelessly devoted to eachother makes me marvel.
2 blinked again - eyes glued shut.

Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004

Subject:been a while
Time:5:50 pm.
Mood: crushed.
Music:Radiohead - Packt Like Sardines In A Crushd Tin Box.
i have an anxiety dissorder.. thats pleasant to know.
my pelvic bone is misaligned... also pleasant to know.
i've had at least two hour long bloody noses a day for the past three days... lost a lot of blood... not so good to know.
i'm drained, pretty weak, pretty emotional, pretty lost, pretty hurt, pretty sad, pretty confused, pretty alone.... pretty.

why is it that the beautiful die so young?
eyes glued shut.

Wednesday, February 4th, 2004

Time:5:36 pm.
Mood: anxious.
Music:Snow Patrol - Run.
i never write in this anymore... i don't know why... i don't know what to write right now... my sister is in college and my family life is odd. My personal life is slowly starting back up... at least i hope it is...
i don't know... bla. It's been weird...
eyes glued shut.

Sunday, January 25th, 2004

Subject:You Can Have All You've Ever Wanted
Time:1:17 pm.
Mood: blah.
Music:Wicked - Defying Gravity.
It's been akward. I had a horrible anxiety attack on friday... i was terrified. I haven't really written lately... im just so busy and not up to it. So much has happened to me and i know i have grown though it all. It scares me... it truly does. All of my college stuff is in, all i have to do now is wait and hope for the best. I went to a formal dinner party last night which was a lot of fun. Victoria thew one for the cast of the spring show. I just dont really know what to write about... i feel kind of empty and i feel like i just dont need to write about anything anymore... bla... have a great day everyone.
eyes glued shut.

Sunday, January 11th, 2004

Subject:The Update
Time:2:30 pm.
Mood: crushed.
Music:Ella Fitzgerald - At Last.
i haven't written in awhile... i haven't really had the boost of modivation to write about what has been going on in my life. It's been weird and kind of hard and confusing. I'm over Jon. I'm done with everything that deals with him right now. He has changed. His whole entire attitude has gone down the hill and my friends and I think most of it has to deal with the influence of Sara.
I auditioned for the spring musical. I made callbacks for a lead... i didn't make a lead. I'm stuck being the same thing i was my freshman year... a story teller. I feel like im back at the bottom... I feel worthless.
I've been pretty sad lately... I don't want to bother with anything or anyone. I just want to mind my own buisness and have other mind theirs. I feel lost. I just don't know what to do... bla. My migrains have been at an all time high. I think it's mostly because of all the stress i have been going through lately. I've seen some movies... Peter Pan and Big Fish. They were amazing. John Siwicki bought me an Ella Fitzgerald poster... he never seizes to make me smile... He always finds some kind of way to make my day or put a smile across my face. I wish he lived closer... sure Shelton is close... it's about 45 minutes away but it still feels like he is across the country and that i could never reach him. He is amazing.
My head hurts really bad right now. I want to go out and leave... do something fun... but there is so much to be done right now. Today is my day off... and i feel so lazy... i have so much to get done but i'm not doing it when i should be. I think i will finish all of it sometime tonight... i hope i do.
I feel empty and lost. I feel confused. Gina is leaving for college in a few weeks and i graduate high school this year. All my friends are talking about going to college and where they were accepted... i haven't sent in my applications yet. I have one more essay to write. I need to leave here... i dont know how to feel... writing all of this is making me depressed... im going to go.
eyes glued shut.

Sunday, December 28th, 2003

Time:7:51 pm.
Mood: rejected.
i think ive gained some weight and that's not a good thing so hopefully i can lose it a.s.a.p.
im doing okay for now... the o'meara's are doing okay. we went to go see peter pan today. the funeral was yesterday.
my family is one big asshole.
im watching edward scissorhands...
im done
eyes glued shut.

Wednesday, December 24th, 2003

Subject:why did you leave?
Time:12:00 am.
Mood: depressed.
Music:Something Corporate - Walking By.
he's gone...
David G. O'Meara is gone. He is the father of my best friends Erin and Caitlin. He is the husband of one of the most amazing mothers i know... he was like my second dad. He died sunday night... I havent been home in two days... ive been with erin and caitlin... school, then with them, then i slept over, then school, then i was with them from 12:30 til about 10:30 when my mom made me come home to get some rest. I can't rest... when i am left alone i fall apart. I dont know what to do... they have the most amazing family ever... they dont deserve this... they are doing okay right now... today was better than yesterday... its just really hard... i feel lost. the funeral is this saturday. I cant sleep... the nyquil isnt kicking in fast enough. I stopped crying for now... i dont want to talk about it anymore

have a merry fucking christmas
eyes glued shut.

Wednesday, December 17th, 2003

Time:10:28 pm.
Mood: awake.
Music:Wicked - One Short Day.
7:15 this morning... mr smith, mr and mrs coscina, kyle, tom, megan, katherine, katie, heather, michelle, victoria and myself departed for NYC to see wicked.
here are the main highlights since i dont wanna type it all

1) michelle throwing up once in the car, once on the train, twice in the bathroom and once outside the resturant.

2) eating lunch at carmines

3) seeing Wicked which was absolutly amazing... i cant describe it.. im speechless.. i bought a t-shirt, and a keychain then later we went to virgin records to buy the cd for less lol.. smart shoppers

4) seeing the giant tree all lit up... and watching someone propose marraige in the middle of the icerink... omg so wonderful so we cheered them on haha.

5) shopping!!!

6) eating some dinner in the train station then departing for home... the train ride back was hilarious and on the car ride home from the station we had a blast listening to the cast album..

there were many wonderful things that filled in between all of this but these were all the highlights i could remember... im so excited right now.. ahh!! lol
eyes glued shut.

Monday, December 15th, 2003

Subject:the boy
Time:9:59 pm.
Mood: blah.
Music:Coldplay - Green Eyes.
Wait for the boy who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of boy who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the boy who will be your best friend, the person who will drop everything to be with you at any time of the day no matter what the circumstances. Wait for the boy who makes you smile like no other boy makes you smile and when he smiles you know he needs you. Wait for the boy who wants to show you off to the world when you are not at your best. Most of all wait for the boy who will put you at the center of his universe, because obviously, he's at the center of yours.
eyes glued shut.

Sunday, December 14th, 2003

Subject:I saw sparks
Time:10:10 pm.
Mood: stressed.
Music:Coldplay - Trouble.
i have officially given up all hope on jon... i like him so much but he doesnt like me that way at all.. he likes sara (my best friend) and well... i guess thats just the way it will always be. im through liking someone for this long... im through chasing after something i know i will never get... im through with having hope in getting something that i really want... someone whom i really like a lot... im through with all of it. guys are a waste of time anyway... right? I have more important things to worry about.

Its snowing outside, and raining and its kind of nasty out. I hope there is a snow day tomorrow so i can work on my report on club foot for child development class.

I wish i had a reason to really be happy right now but i dont. I just want to get accepted to a college and graduate and leave this place... right now the only thing thats keeping me going is the fact that none of this will matter 20 years from now.

I'm not tired. I'm not much of anything right now. I am unsure on how to feel... how should i feel after giving up on someone who ive liked for months and months... as long as he is happy then i am happy... isnt that how the saying goes? that saying never makes sense because no matter how happy he may be i will still feel miserable until i get over the fact that im not his type of girl. Maybe he's the stupid one for not seeing how amazing i am... im beautiful... i am... it's just him... not me... it's him. I told pat that one of my goals this year is to be asked to the junior prom even though im a senior but how i think nobody would ever even thinking about asking some short chubby senior to their junior prom. He told me that anyone who doesnt ask me to the prom is just stupid because im awesome.... so that made me feel kinda good. Pat's a good kid... i just wish katie didnt go out with him then break up with him within a matter of like... 2 weeks.
I think the new year will bring in some better things for me... i'm really hoping it does.

my feelings are muffled... im so confused right now. i have so much stuff to get done... i dont like this stress... it scares me.
eyes glued shut.

Saturday, December 13th, 2003

Time:11:00 am.
Mood: artistic.
Music:Shrimp Boat - Pumpkin Lover.

Andy Warhol
You are Andy Warhol. Great sense of style and
fashion, artistic eye for detail. Not
necessarily talented, but extremely creative
and aware of trends. You tend to glorify the
simple things in life.

eyes glued shut.

Tuesday, December 9th, 2003

Subject:hey u
Time:7:27 pm.

Its not fair
You think your better than me
You found a few friends
You think your cool as can be
So you drink?
Yah, you smoke
That makes you great?
Thats a joke.
Im happy being me
So just give me a break
Im not mad at the world
Its just you I cant take
Im sick of pretending
To try to fit in
Im my own person,
Is that such a sin?
You can't change me
Its already been tried
And I remember when
You used to be on my side.
You knew what i was thinking
You knew when I hurt
Now your so cool,
You treat me like dirt.
I can't wait
Until you can see
Just how shitty
You've been treating me.
You've got new friends
Good for you
They must really like you
Or is it something you do?
Please, Dont loose me in the crowd
I would hate to be without you
I'd dearly miss our friendship
But the question is: would you?
eyes glued shut.

Time:7:14 pm.
Everyone tells me how beautiful
And pure I can be,
But I do not see
What is so beautiful about me,
I wish I could know,
What it is that they see,
If only through a strangers eyes,
I could see me,
But that will never happen,
Nor will all my dreams,
Because like a moth,
To be beautiful is a rarity.
Something I am not,
Which I can not share
I wish I couldn’t feel sometimes,
Just to know how to hide myself,
I once knew a moth,
And she was a pretty one, you see
But she starved herself,
In search of the beauty she wanted to be.
But little did she know
she was a butterfly
when she shared her beautiful words,
She captured our hearts and took our souls,
but as time wore down
She began to see,
That the moth she thought she was
Was just a beautiful Butterfly
Waiting to be
But by the time she realized this
It was too late
And with her final words,
She did know
Her fate had been chosen,
And she would have to go-
Go somewhere She didn’t want to,
Go away,
Never to share her beautiful colors again
But her words would always be there
And she had taught us to not be thin,
Don’t worry about appearance,
Because you may think yourself a moth,
But inside is where it counts
And If you give yourself
The benefit of the doubt,
You will give the butterfly within,
A chance to fly out
So it’s with my butterfly,
I do write
I am happy my moth saved my life,
For she was truly a butterfly
And now she is free
Gone away,
So heaven can admire her beauty.
And when she is reincarnated,
I know she will be
The beautiful and most prettiest,
Butterfly that you see
So next time you see
A pretty butterfly
With flashy colours
That seem to catch your eye
Think of my moth
And know it’s the butterfly,
And it was out of love and beauty,
That my butterfly did die.
And it is because of my butterfly,
That I can finally see,
The world in the eyes of a stranger,
And be everything I want to be.
eyes glued shut.

Time:6:48 pm.
Mood: accomplished.
Music:Jack Johnson - Bubble Toes.
i scream and its as if you cant hear me
covering my eyes, hiding from the pain
and you raise your hand but not to help.
Only babies cry, you always told me...
but you were never there anyway. Gone.
always gone, never here whatever the term
may be but you were gone...
Fridays were our nights. McDonalds then
catch a flick at the local theatre. Teenage
Mutant ninja turtle candy bars and sno caps,
Star trek and disney movies. We grew up...
another was born... you changed. No longer
a father but a beast under this roof we share.
Home when you can... bringing hell with you.
Pain, anguish, fear, tears... where did you go?
My father ran away from home... this man was
sent here to replace him. 'Hired' if you will... to
pretend to be my father until he came home.
Sitting on the couch like a department store santa
claus. Work, home, work, work, work, home, work.
The pattern grew worse but you never
noticed the pain in the family. You never took
the time to get to know me. Go ahead... guess
my favorite color... i dare you.
Screaming at us, raising your hands... my scar
still stays from that 'accident' you never
apologized for. The memories haunt me
in my sleep about my father the monster.
Never understood me, never held me, never
talked to me... never was there for me.
Food on the table, roof over my head...
but love... where was the bond.
Take your daughter to work day i think not.
Sometimes i wonder... where my father has gone
and when you come home... i take that back
because i could care less.
why wont you open your mind and listen to me.
love me for the only thing i can be
love me for me.
eyes glued shut.

Friday, December 5th, 2003

Time:9:58 pm.
Mood: curious.
Music:The Coral - Dreaming Of You.
BobbyJames23: dont listen to them
BobbyJames23: you know what you are
MissCharIieBrown: no.. i dont know what i am
BobbyJames23: u are annmarie
BobbyJames23: just keep on following your heart
MissCharIieBrown: yeah
MissCharIieBrown: my heart just... doesnt really exist right now
BobbyJames23: yes it does
MissCharIieBrown: its been through a lot
BobbyJames23: everyones has
BobbyJames23: your not alone
BobbyJames23: its the pain that makes it stronger
MissCharIieBrown: its the strength that makes the pain last longer
BobbyJames23: without a negitive there is no postive
BobbyJames23: remember your muliplication 2 negitives = a postive
MissCharIieBrown: but with one negative that positive turns negative
BobbyJames23: you just gotta wait for more to fix that
BobbyJames23: damn your to clever for me
MissCharIieBrown: sorry
BobbyJames23: haha no its a good thing
MissCharIieBrown: okay
BobbyJames23: you have the curse of being an amazing person everyone wants to take you down they are envous dont let them
BobbyJames23: win

MissCharIieBrown: i never thought of it that way... at all
BobbyJames23: your the most talented person ive never met haha
BobbyJames23: its how it really is
BobbyJames23: you ok?
MissCharIieBrown: yeah
MissCharIieBrown: thanks
BobbyJames23: hey no thank you
BobbyJames23: they should give you an awaad
BobbyJames23: award
BobbyJames23: i hope what i said helped
MissCharIieBrown: yeah it helped a lot
BobbyJames23: good good
MissCharIieBrown: you're so awesome
BobbyJames23: oh stop
BobbyJames23: im nowhere near you on the awesome scale
BobbyJames23: haha what the hell i am talking about
MissCharIieBrown: hahaha
eyes glued shut.

Time:8:17 pm.
Mood: calm.
1.First Name: Annmarie
2. Middle Name: none
3. Last Name: non
5. Hair Color: black as night with light brown highlights
5. Hair Style: getting pretty long
6. Eye Color: dark dark brown
7. Height: around 5'4
8. Location: CT
9. Birthday: 4/25/86
10. Zodiac Sign: taurus
11. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?: No
13. Do you have a crush?: heck yeah, but i never have the balls to do anything about it

15. Favorite Animal: turtles
16. Favorite Sport: watching friends fall off their bikes... bmx ha
17. Favorite Color(s): too many to choose from
18. Favorite Friend/Friends: erin, matt, caitlin, kurt, mitch, amanda, DeVon, casey, marissa
19. Favorite Online Friend/Friends: maddison
21. Favorite Song/Songs: of all time? too many
22. Favorite movie quote: dont know
24. Favorite Store: the music stop.. cuz pete is awesome
25. Favorite Feeling: to be wanted
26. Favorite Shoe: SAS... the old lady shoes.. in red
27. Favorite Scent: pancakes
28. Do you wear make-up?: very rarely
31. In a girl/boy, do you want more personality or looks?: Personality
32. What kind of personality do you like in a girl/boy?:funny, understanding
33. Do you move fast or slow with a girl/boy?: up to them, i just kind of follow along
34. What is your idea of the perfect girl/boy?: someone who believes in something.. has fate in something... someone who makes you feel amazing
35. Would you ever ask a girl/boy out?: usualy too fightened of rejection
38. Do you prefer blondes or brunettes: doesnt matter but for some reason i always like guys with dark hair

45. What is the first thing u notice about girls/boys?: Smile, sense of humor and their eyes
46. Whens the last time u cried?: when i realized im losing an amazing friend and the one boy i truely am falling in love with
48. What do u want to be when u grow up?: someone who makes a difference
49. Do u sleep w/ stuffed animals?: yes
50. Do you want children?: i want to adopt
52: How "far" have you gotten?: what like driving?
53: Do you like someone right now? Yes
54: Do they know?: yes which hurts even more

1: Do you have a best friend?: Yes
2: Whos is your best friend?: erin...
3: Who do you e-mail the most?: my brother
4: Who is the meanest?: kyle
5: Who's the loudest?: michelle

Within the last 24 hours, have you...
1: Had a serious talk?: yes
2: Hugged someone?: yes, many
3: Get along well with your parents?: nope
4: Fought with a friend?: Nope

Do you like to...
1: Give hugs?: Yes
2: Give back rubs?: ...get them
3: Take walks in the rain?: heck yeah
4: You ever have that falling dream?: yeah its weird
5: What color is your floor/carpet in your room? peach carpet
6: When you chew gum, what kind?: anything with good flavor
7: Do you use chapstick? too much
8: How do you plan on spending the summer?: interning with melissa some more

Did You Ever
1. Drink?: used to
2. Smoke?: nope never tried cigs
3. Drugs?: once
4. Sex?: nope
5. Made Out?: yes
6. Go on a date?: yes... they're sometimes weird
8. Go to the movies?: Yes
9. Go to the mall?: of course
10. Eaten an entire box of Oreos?: who hasnt?!
11. Eaten sushi?: yes
12. Been on stage? yes
13. Been dumped?: thats the worst
14. Had someone be unfaithful to you?: yes thats the worst
15. Watched the smurfs?: when i was little
16. Hiked a mountain?: yes actually
17. Made homemade cookies?: yes
18. Been in love?: define love
19. Seen the White House?: yes i have

More Stuff
1. Are you popular?: for the most part i guess so
2. Are you pretty?: people say i am... i guess i have some nice features
3. Do you have your own phone line?: a cell phone
4. What is your fav word to say?: i dont know... no really i dont know
5. What is your fav phrase to say?: yeah.. okay.. sure... yeah how bout your face

What is it right now
1. What time? : 8:58pm
2. What are you doing right now?: this and watching Mystic Pizza and talking to John from Shelton
3. What song are you listening to?: none.. watching a movie
4. What are you wearing?: jeans and an old shirt i bought awhile ago at goodwill with my performing arts hoodie
5. What color are your nails?: color?
eyes glued shut.

Subject:Wonderful Words
Time:9:21 am.
Mood: blah.
"The male chromosome is an incomplete female chromosome. In other words a male is a walking abortion; aborted at the gene stage. To be male is to be deficient, emotionally limited. Maleness is a deficiency disease and males are emotional cripples" - Valerie Solanas

home from school today. i slept in by accident and mom called me in sick. then i got up and ready for school even though she called me out and i had to make the decision if i was going to go to school or not. Right now i would be in Child Dev class, then choir, then drama, then pro co. So i decided to stay home and just relax and clean my room... even though something is telling me to go to the school. It's weird. Maybe i should go. I don't know.... bla.
eyes glued shut.

Thursday, December 4th, 2003

Subject:I wanna feel you breathe me
Time:5:46 pm.
Mood: crushed.
Music:I cant take this anymore.
its amazing how one little thing can make your day so much worse... just getting a glimpse of one small thing thats happening around you... it's such a great feeling... everyone knows it... that feeling of complete emptiness and a slice of betrayal smothered in a pot of low self esteem... left to simmer until it explodes... im done... not such a great day... few highlights but not many... im around... but just dont bother.

just another tale from the brokenhearted
god i hate this feeling
1 blinked again - eyes glued shut.

Monday, December 1st, 2003

Subject:God i love this song
Time:5:38 pm.
Music:Something Corporate - Globes and Maps.
So tomorrow is Tom's 18th birthday. Instead of spending lots of money on him i decided to take some of the drawings over the past few year and put them in his card. Over the past few years we have drawn these funny pictures with inside jokes that make no sense... and i have kept every single one of them... Now since he is a big boy... i'm going to give some of them back to him... i think that has more meaning than actually going out and buying him something. While digging through some of these old but wonderful memories i came across all the poems and letters jordan wrote me in the past while we were going out. These letters and poems are about a year old... i think last week marked the one year anniversary for when i found out he was cheating on me... yet i kept the letters and poems because they were beautiful. I decided that i wanted to post one in here for safe keeping.

Celestial lovesprining lodestar broke
Love lost and gained in over of dark night
Enthralled with you, since word first spoke
Trust not but my heart, choice now to do right.

Silken may-morn argosy held with love
The day a canvas vibrant with you beauty
Aloft now, we sit untouched, unharmed for above
Never wavering, never fluttering just love absolutely.

This broken spirit, heart you alone did mend
With nothing more than simple touch, simple word
Time is but a number, forever will never end
A dream? Reality? With you my lines are blurred.

Absurd, the idea of lonlieness, no moment without you.
You are the sun i wake to and the stars who see only my dreams.
Absurd the kidea i passed you over. I couldn't recognize your beauty
Absurd, the idea that i would ever stop loving you.

Yeah it's a bit weird and different but hey... he was a weird and different kid and still is today. Oh well... that was one of them and i decided to share it on here...
today was a fun day. Afterschool i went to taco bell with erin, cait, matt, kurt and mitch. Then we went to home depot. Alot went down... a lot of fun was had by all. So far my day is pretty good.
eyes glued shut.

Blurty for Something Incongruent.

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