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[29 Dec 2003|11:10am] MUWAHAHA! The background remains EVERYWHERE god damn it! yeah, err, my journal's now at http://deadjournal.com/users/tripswithjesus/ Make me bleed

[29 Oct 2003|05:46pm] [ mood | bitter, yet cheerful ] [ music | ICP - Boogie Woogie Wu ] my ears are dying from these damned earrings, but i'm too broke to buy new ones. I have a new one coming in tommorrow afternoon though, but i need another six replacements! aghh! I need more money, but I'm too stupid and I keep on buying stupid, useless knick-knacks and such. I did buy a few more shirts though, but don't I already have enough? Blagh, I may, but I think half of them I have never even applied to my skin before, LOL. I ordered a new pair of pants, god only knows how badly I need them. Any I got Issue # 5 of Nightmares and Fairy Tales! <3 I love Anabelle <3 lol. My favorite ouit of them all, of course, is issue number #4- the snow white re-make... kind of. I love the way it's all set out.. but anyways, I have to end this, i'm going to try dunking my ears in alcohol. OOO, alcohol. SPEAKING OF SO- SHERI RUINED MY GOOD EVENING! SHE EMPTIED THE BOTTLE! Make me bleed

Nightfall [29 Oct 2003|03:58pm] [ mood | alone and remorseful ] [ music | Tristania- Crushed Dreams ] Angela has herpes. Lizz has chlamydia. Curtis is a heart-less faggot. Yep, just when you think you've sifted through everyone and you think you've found your TRUE friends, you realize you're wrong. Curtis cheated on me with Lizz, and Angela knew about it and lied to me several times. There's more to it than that, but I've had enough with all three of them. I hope they all enjoy spreading their diseases and die due to AIDS and the common cold. I regret everything with all of them. If i could go back in the past, I'd make sure when I was alone with them, that I would have stabbed their cruel hearts and mounted them on my wall for the all the world to see their darkness. One more incident of ache and I'm leaving that foresaken school. I'm sick of it, as I'm sick of Boca, as I'm sick of men, as I'm sick of life. The only reason I'm not bringing on an OD right now is because of Chippy. Chipp-ness, if you're reading this- i love you! lol. you're the only person I can ENTIRELY trust right now. ::huggles::

Those Unheard [28 Oct 2003|05:15pm] [ mood | Wishful & actually quite calm! ] [ music | KoRn - Corners of my Mind / LondonAfterMidnight- Kiss ] My shames are coming back at me... and thanks to Curtis... well, let's just say that life will be more of a Hell now. That filth whore is enjoying every second of this, I know it, and I hate it, and her, and him, and them all. I tried containing my hatred, but I cannot. He lied to me. About everything. Is honesty in a male really that rare? Maybe I'm just over-reacting, but I trusted that pile of malicious shit. He betrayed me once but I let it go. I should not have, therefore, I guess the blame rests upon me. Damn my empathy and compassion! DAMN THEM. Anyways, I think I'm going to try buying a few more anti-depressants off of Lonny's gf... or ... one of his many girlfriends. (Heh, I hope she's reading this!!). I almost had another panic attack last night and I feel like absolute shit. Ayy, as soon as I turn 18 I'm going to the doctor and getting my pathetic self fixed! My mood swings need great tending to along with my constant visions. Am I fucked up in the head? I guess so. Question asked, answer solved, arrangement of sounds mispleasing. Anyways, I'm going to try to visit Blackheart on Friday night. I haven't talked to them much since they've come back, and I miss them... and their clearly formulated plots against Willie! Okay, so my delights are slightly sickening, but no worries, most of them you will never read in this, or at least understand. I'd like to visit the guys more, but it's too hard getting all the way to Miami, and the only place in Boca they'd ever set foot (or tentacle, in Joe's case *wink, wink!*) in is Movie Co out by Boomers, untouchable territory for me. Driving down that single road almost killed my heart before, doing it a second time with those memories would surely be the death of me. I don't understand my father... then again I never really have much, besides his music... He bitches that my Mom is never home, yet he's a complete hipocryte. She's out playing tennis most of the time or at meetings, while my Dad is out with friends drinking or something stupid like that. He's come to call it "shopping at Walmart". She's doing something good for herself, while he's... well... lowering his image far more than I ever could possibly. I guess I really do hold a high respect for my mom. She's doing everything she can to help and save herself while raising me, all the while keeping herself from killing my father (dear god only knows we all want to!). on top of that, she works more hours than my dad does and make half as less than he does while SHE pays for my lunches everyday and allowance (sometimes) and such. Plus, she takes me out on vacations and trips since she knows I despise Boca, and it's all out of HER money. My dad makes promises to take me out of the United S's, but he never does. Instead he does off to Iran gossiping with the family I'll never meet, the places I'll never again see, and doing the things I'll never again be able to do. He does everything and goes everywhere, yet he complains when my mom gets home, cleans and help me cook dinner and help me with my homework and such, then go out for two hours to exercise, while he gets home at the same time she does with nothing more than a bad attitude. Dad, if you're somehow accidently reading this- know that I hate you. I only say I love you when your wallet is in the picture. The most you've ever done is take me to ONE Rush concert, yet you bitched the whole way there and the whole way back. Now let's see what Mother has done... ooo... the Bahamas god knows how many times, Mt. Dora, thousands of Epcot trips, she payed for my Italy and Rome trip- NOT YOU BITCH, Winterpark, and she forced my dad to take me to NJ, NY, and CA. Everywhere else I've been she has taken me or payed for it with her money, no help from my greedy, bitchy dad. When it comes to whole situation with Steve, I've decided to say fuck it all. It's his life he's ruining, not mine, and I cannot do anything. He's very hard-headed, and he can't come to the mirror to see himself for the God I see him as. I don't know, I guess right now I'm just going to sit back and wait for love to come for me if it was meant to. Maybe I am just a love-sick little creature... but I know that I'm ready for a serious relationship. I guess I'm just too blind to see that every guy I go for doesn't want the same. They all want the same thing- sex, head, and goodbyes. I think that's why I love gay guys, lol. They can sit there and have decent conversations about things other than sex... politics, religion, romance, philosophies.. Ayy, I love them all. Yes, I may be very closed-minded in my talking, but I do give the other speaker enough time to talk to get their point accross, though I am always there with a statement to put their comment at jeopardy! Heh, I love myself! I'm such an asshole!

Just thought you guys should know! [27 Oct 2003|05:12pm] [ mood | cheerful ] Pamela Anderson Expects Death in a Decade Oct 22, 7:46 AM EST Pamela Anderson says hepatitis C, which she was diagnosed with in 2001, will probably kill her in a decade. "I think I've got a good 10 years left in me, which is sad, too. Maybe 15, if I'm lucky," Anderson tells Us Weekly magazine in a first-person story for the Nov. 3 issue. "It's scary, but lately I've been feeling great. For some reason, my liver keeps getting healthier." Hepatitis C causes inflammation of the liver, which can lead to cirrhosis, liver cancer and liver failure. About 3.9 million Americans have the disease. Anti-viral drugs are a standard treatment, and therapy is successful about half the time. But Anderson isn't taking interferon, the injectable drug hepatitis patients often use. Her homeopathic doctor, Wendy Hewland, tells the magazine she "made a single remedy specifically for Pam" that Anderson is using as an alternative form of medicine. The 36-year-old actress, who starred in the TV shows "Baywatch" and "V.I.P.," also says she's no longer planning to marry singer Kid Rock, to whom she got engaged in April 2002. +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ took that off of an MSN thing. wow... the fake-titted slut is dying! w00t! Make me bleed

Sleeping Pills and Un-Happy Thrills [27 Oct 2003|04:02pm] [ mood | Lost, lonely, and pessimistic ] [ music | Slayer- God Hates Us all (full cd) ] January 13th, 2002 - the happiest day of my long, caliginous life... though 2003, it's appearing, will be the worst. The longest relationship I've ever had was with Steve... I really thought we could have made it, but now... yeah. Why can't it be like it used to be? Anyways, FUCK YOU ANGELA! The fucken whore told me the pills were fucken bars... were they? no! THEY WERE FUCKEN SLEEPING PILLS. agh. remind me to stab the filthy fucken whore. For some odd reason, I feel like Deanna kinda now (dear god, how bad can I make myself out to be?!). Who here remembers that?! Someone sold her aspirin and said they were Z-Bars, and she started tripping and going mad crazy off of aspirin. Dear god, pathetic... prooving her poser-ism. Whoa, too teenie-bopper there... poser and tripping? hmm.. *lowering IQ level a few points*... Today was pretty much... well... boring. Had a regular day in school ; Why am I mentioning that? Who out there in the world really cares about my school? OO, ignorance! *typing furiously about school* It's gay, it's pathetic and a waste of our moral time, it's degrading, everything we really need to know we learned in elementary school--- whoever came up with the name "high" school?--- the teachers are scary lunatics who could easily drive a student to insanity, and I swear to God, one of these days i'm going to trip over my baggy-ass pants and go flying down the stairs. Right now I bet Lonny and Jared are begging for that... along with you, too, Austin, since I know you're actually reading this! Aww, I see that smile! LOL. Speaking of Austin, Austin: did you notice Mr. Levin rubbing his balls alot today? ::gags and hides under a blanket:: Either he has a disfunctional hard-on or he has crabs. Either way, it's grotesque! Blugh, today in Coach B's class, some fucken "look at me! look at me" prep was pushing her Boca-ness on Bennett. I must say, him bitching at her in the hallway was THE FUNNIEST SHIT I have ever heard in my entire fucken life. I'm so god damned sick of Boca... along with Florida! I need out of here, out of Boca, out of Florida, out of the south, out of the US... and I'd say out of the world but I think Space would be far too lonely and cold, and I don't think I'm advanced enough to breath in nothing and survive, lol. Make me bleed

The "after-math" of a near OD on... aspirin? ha! [26 Oct 2003|05:09pm] [ mood | lacking all moral restraint ] [ music | Cruxshadows- Regrets , Chains. ] Scary, but I think my under-priveldged mind is maturing. I'm growing sick of band shirts all of the time, and even worse, I think I want more dark green brought into my style. There's too much black, and I've started SEVERAL times- I AM NOT GOTHIC. My style might be considered, I may listen to quite a bit of the music, I may have a gothic-style writing in my poetry and such, but my outer paint is too happy to be "gothic". People have de-evolved so greatly that gothic is now considered black and dark, yet it doesn't have to. Gothic only means horror, so how is fishnet associated with it, and can someone please explain to me how Norwegian Death Metal is in ANYWAY associated with "gothic"? Along with Swedish. I'm more into dark romance and mischeif, not dark gore, in my life anyways, my movies are an entirely different entry. Yes world, I'd hate to dissapoint you, but Bella Morte really has NO lyrical line starting anything near "Kill your mother, Kill your brother, Kill your sister, Kill your father". Most of it, from my understanding, is actually a re-make of their interpretation of old 80's zombie flicks, so no wonder I love them so dearly, same to that as with romance. Along with Bella Morte, The Cruxshadows, their main topic is romance, whether lost or gained. In a sickening way, you could consider them old-age popstars with a blend of violins and new-age sounds, voices, and lyrics with ALOT more REAL meaning, and with a few little industrial moments along with dark spots. I'm not saying that they are pop, just could be... well... spoken of in the same sentance without lightning stricking through your heart, as you have noticed since I am still typing. The only thing they ever really bring death into is being a zombie themselves, fighting to their love... and then of course the whole deceit thing comes into play, but isn't that considered a moden day thing? Blugh, no wonder the rest of the world considers us to be a "Great Evil". Simply stated- WE ARE. Make-up is so welcomed in our society along with silicon-infested breasts and micro-scopicly stitched faces (what do you think plastic surgery really is?!- tiny stitches) that it's a shame we're still welcome on Earth. Everything natural we have destroyed, and don't even try fighting me with "Well, They have Herbal Essences shampoo! It says on the bottle all natural!" Bitch, read the ingrediants!---ITS NOt. I've made my own lavender shampoo, it is IMPOSSIBLE to get anything that smooth without modern-day chemicals. They throw the extra flower leaves and petals in for show, and show only. Heh, take of the flowers and examine them. I once found a severed rose petal, which in no way affects hair. If you have any arguments against me, my e-mail address is LittleGreenTroll@hotmail, I'd love to proove your idiocy and lower your IQ. Ayy, enough ranting and raving for one entry... this damned time-change thing is going to be affecting my sleep patterns too much, I need to save what's left of my already near-depleted energy for keeping my eyes open tommorrow. At least it's a regular day. Those seem to go by so much faster... and I'm going to need it with my growing depression over Steve N. Ayy, It'll serve for happy dreams some time later, until them I'm stuck with the nightmares.

Farewell [26 Oct 2003|09:33am] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | Old Mans Child - Fall of Man / LAM- A Letter to God,and Kiss ] "did you think it wouldn't hurt? did you think i wouldn't feel when the world came falling down? or maybe didn't you think at all and that's why i feel what i feel now. did you think i wouldn't ball? did you think i wouldn't cry? did you think i wouldn't beg you to stay? one of these days you're going to realize just what you threw away." Okay, so Steve is dropping out of college, going to become a bum, and we're over. Yaay, there's a happy way to great the day in my fucking caliginous life. *yes, a bit of a sarcasm was used for those with an Iq under 5*. So now what? Now I go on and try to fullfill the life my parents want me to have? Or fullfill no life at all and buy a few caps of xtc and say fuck it all? I'm about ready to do so. Steve was the one thing keeping me tied to sanity and this god damned world, so now that's he's gone I have nothing left to hold me down. On Monday I'm going to buy a few z-bars off T. and try and calm down a bit. Right now I'm on Kelley's old anti-depressants mixed with a few Lonny's. They aren't helping. I had to much faith in Steve. I always thought he'd be the one to drag me out of my shithole life and bring me to happiness. It's my own fault, I guess. I remember once hearing a long time ago that love is like a board raised thousands of feet into the air, with everyone looking up to you, and one false move and everything's over. I had my chance up there, only it was millions of miles up, with me looking down and laughing at everyone, dancing around knowing that I was higher than everything, and that no one could ever feel as much love as I had. Well, I guess in all of my dancing and laughter I slipped over the edge, and right now, I'm falling. For him I would have shaken down the Heavens and shed my skin if he were cold. He, unknowingly, led me thru Zed's death, and brought back life to me. Now it's over. Heh, this will make for a happy chapter in the endless yellowed pages of my pathetic life. I need aspirin.

Suicide is a tried and tested formula for release [25 Oct 2003|09:36pm] [ mood | cynical ] [ music | Marilyn, My Bitterness : The Cruxshadows / Hokus Pokus- ICP ] Wow, does anyone notice a difference in this compared to my deadjournal account? heh, the only tihng i can see is one says "Blurty" and the other says "DeadJournal". ayy, i'm sick of everything knowing the other link, so i'm starting this. hmm... a new collection of my disjointed thoughts. fun fun! Anyways, in the sickening world of me, I finnally found someone looking for Alchemy Gothic jewelry, so hopefully I'll be able ot sell some of my stuff soon, i'm in desperate need for money. Brandon asked me back out today... ehh... I don't know what to say to that bot anymore. he cheats too much, and he's to pathetic and stupid and lacks the high enough of an IQ to hide it well-enough. I know it's wrong to say, but I pray that someday he falls in love and gets smashed and walked upon. It'd do his life some good! I had another dream about Zed today. It's scary again, and I've almost come to forgetting what he looks like. I think on Halloween we're going to drive out to go visit his grave. It seems like it's formed some slight tradition among us now, even with dear Lonny, though we literally have to drag him out there. I think he's afraid that somehow Zed will arise and look him in the eyes. I've heard him talking in his sleep, he still remembers the look in his eyes when it hit. Lonny is afraid of his eyes, the thing I fell hardest for. Ayy, I want to cry so badly but I know that I can't. I've cried enough these last few years, and though I know I will never forget him, I guess it's time that I tried to move on with my life a bit. Heh, in Beastiality's (Levin's) class we had to write some stupid "song". In the end, I re-wrote mine (after several, bitter attempts and technology failing me) about him, only instead of a car he fell over a cliff. I spent that night on a bottle of aspirin and a few caps of Nyquil, my eyes bloodshot and near bleeding throughout it all. I miss Zed too much... Sammi and I are starting to talk again, though I doubt we'll ever get back together. I loved her too much... I guess that's why it failed. Anyone else see the irony in that? Ayy, I guess I can blame my paranoia for that. Those whom I care about the most I always fear are out to destroy me, but I guess you'll see that yourself within these next few entries. Ugh, I'm really getting sick of the freshmen classes. They're too easy, and nearly everything is basedon the FCAT and PSAT. I'm done with FCAT ENTIRELY (i'd underline the entirely, but i fear there is no button and i'm too lazy to type out the HTML) and PSAT. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE PAST ANYMORE! "The past has past, the dead have died, and I am left with nothing." No offense to any of you freshies, Jennifer and Austin- you two are the coolest freshmen I've ever met, lol. Sad thing is- that's saying alot! God, I'm too ready to graduate. Only a year and a 1/2 left. I can't wait, though I know graduation day I'll be regretting saying this all. Heh, I will miss Olympic Heights when I graduate, even if it wasn't my first HighSchool. Anyone hear from Jessy lately? I miss him... and my withered fingers need hair to dread. Ehh... I still want to dread mine. 18th birthday- Jamaica trip and getting it done by a local, fuck doing it myself and definitly FUCK a salon soaking and drenching my hair in chemicals for a fake-dread. It's hair suicide! They're hair Nazi's! Make me bleed

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