||Wishful & actually quite calm!
||KoRn - Corners of my Mind / LondonAfterMidnight- Kiss
My shames are coming back at me... and thanks to Curtis... well, let's just say that life will be more of a Hell now. That filth whore is enjoying every second of this, I know it, and I hate it, and her, and him, and them all. I tried containing my hatred, but I cannot. He lied to me. About everything. Is honesty in a male really that rare? Maybe I'm just over-reacting, but I trusted that pile of malicious shit. He betrayed me once but I let it go. I should not have, therefore, I guess the blame rests upon me. Damn my empathy and compassion! DAMN THEM.
Anyways, I think I'm going to try buying a few more anti-depressants off of Lonny's gf... or ... one of his many girlfriends. (Heh, I hope she's reading this!!). I almost had another panic attack last night and I feel like absolute shit. Ayy, as soon as I turn 18 I'm going to the doctor and getting my pathetic self fixed! My mood swings need great tending to along with my constant visions. Am I fucked up in the head? I guess so. Question asked, answer solved, arrangement of sounds mispleasing.
Anyways, I'm going to try to visit Blackheart on Friday night. I haven't talked to them much since they've come back, and I miss them... and their clearly formulated plots against Willie! Okay, so my delights are slightly sickening, but no worries, most of them you will never read in this, or at least understand. I'd like to visit the guys more, but it's too hard getting all the way to Miami, and the only place in Boca they'd ever set foot (or tentacle, in Joe's case *wink, wink!*) in is Movie Co out by Boomers, untouchable territory for me. Driving down that single road almost killed my heart before, doing it a second time with those memories would surely be the death of me.
I don't understand my father... then again I never really have much, besides his music... He bitches that my Mom is never home, yet he's a complete hipocryte. She's out playing tennis most of the time or at meetings, while my Dad is out with friends drinking or something stupid like that. He's come to call it "shopping at Walmart". She's doing something good for herself, while he's... well... lowering his image far more than I ever could possibly. I guess I really do hold a high respect for my mom. She's doing everything she can to help and save herself while raising me, all the while keeping herself from killing my father (dear god only knows we all want to!). on top of that, she works more hours than my dad does and make half as less than he does while SHE pays for my lunches everyday and allowance (sometimes) and such. Plus, she takes me out on vacations and trips since she knows I despise Boca, and it's all out of HER money. My dad makes promises to take me out of the United S's, but he never does. Instead he does off to Iran gossiping with the family I'll never meet, the places I'll never again see, and doing the things I'll never again be able to do. He does everything and goes everywhere, yet he complains when my mom gets home, cleans and help me cook dinner and help me with my homework and such, then go out for two hours to exercise, while he gets home at the same time she does with nothing more than a bad attitude. Dad, if you're somehow accidently reading this- know that I hate you. I only say I love you when your wallet is in the picture. The most you've ever done is take me to ONE Rush concert, yet you bitched the whole way there and the whole way back. Now let's see what Mother has done... ooo... the Bahamas god knows how many times, Mt. Dora, thousands of Epcot trips, she payed for my Italy and Rome trip- NOT YOU BITCH, Winterpark, and she forced my dad to take me to NJ, NY, and CA. Everywhere else I've been she has taken me or payed for it with her money, no help from my greedy, bitchy dad.
When it comes to whole situation with Steve, I've decided to say fuck it all. It's his life he's ruining, not mine, and I cannot do anything. He's very hard-headed, and he can't come to the mirror to see himself for the God I see him as. I don't know, I guess right now I'm just going to sit back and wait for love to come for me if it was meant to. Maybe I am just a love-sick little creature... but I know that I'm ready for a serious relationship. I guess I'm just too blind to see that every guy I go for doesn't want the same. They all want the same thing- sex, head, and goodbyes. I think that's why I love gay guys, lol. They can sit there and have decent conversations about things other than sex... politics, religion, romance, philosophies.. Ayy, I love them all. Yes, I may be very closed-minded in my talking, but I do give the other speaker enough time to talk to get their point accross, though I am always there with a statement to put their comment at jeopardy!
Heh, I love myself! I'm such an asshole!