whats my name again?

7:24pm: i now know how to break into the chorus room. whooppeeee :) life is good at the moment. im going through my phases with steven a lot faster than i did with mike. first it was the extremely giddy whoopee happy stage, then it was the omigod do i really like him!?, then it was the i looooooooove him thing, now its the... am i sure i wanna do this. i mean, i really like him... but im like, hold on hes gone through so much what if something happens. i totally couldnt hurt him, especially after all weve talked about- betty and everthing and all the shit that weve gone through. its like man, what if we turn out like me and mike, and dont talk anymore, or worse what if we turn out like him and betty??? even if we stopped dating, theres so much we have that could make an incredible friendship. i guess betty just couldnt handle it. whatever, i like him, and i know ill get over this phase. i DEFINITELY like him. definitely.

just talked on the phone with two of davids friends. allison and adia. man are those girls nuts. i kinda dont realize how much younger they are than me when i talk to them online. on the phone, it makes all the difference. i told them id given head to people before, which was probably a bad thing. but whatever theyll get over it. muaaaahahaha. corruption is good.

im sick of my goody-two-shoes rep. i mean, obviously im not THAT good if people wonder if im still a virgin and think im a bitch. but im sick of people being like, o yea well shes a good girl. she wouldnt do that. i like the bad people. im turning bad. and thats the end of it. :-P haha juuuuuuuuuust joking. (sort of???)

I WANNA PIERCE MY FUCKING TONGUE GODDAMMIT!!!!! maybe ill just go and do it... i mean whats the worst they can do? make me take it out??? daaamit. i want it now!! haha

these girls got in a fight today after school. it was actually pretty funny now that i think about it. danielle hit devon three times and all devon did was cry and say im bigger than that. i mean, i think its awesome that devon has enough guts to just not hit somebody back, but gimme a break, if someone comes up and fucking hits me, im gonna fucking knock em out. or at least, hurt em back. no niceness in that area.

halloweeeeeens on friday. lucys spendin the night.... masseo and all them are gonna be real close, and so is steven and them. its gonna be a gooooood night. :-D:-D:-D:-D

4 FUCKING DAYS AND HE HASNT SMOKED!!!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY ITS MAKING ME!!!!!!
i hated that he did, and this is making it so much better that hes gone so long. i didnt want to have to tell him that it was really really really really bothering me. this is greeeeeeeeeat!! :-D

love love love
rach

p.s. o man i almost lost this enrty i kept hitting back on my browser but it wasnt working!! thank god it finally worked!!

9:56pm: ok so i guess this is really more like my steven journal. the biggest thing in my life right now is him, and it makes me so happy! :) tonight, i went to drama (unsuspectedly) and he was really happy. lol so we spent time together there. betty was crying about something... i really hope it wasnt something triggered because i was there. because although its majooooor funniness to make her jealous as all hell (hey, she dumped him didnt she!?), i TOTALLY wouldnt want to make her CRY. anyways... im probably just being egostistical and assuming that everythings about me. whatever. another thing on drama club tonight- i ahd to be in mariettas group for some excersize, and she kept like, smiling at me and laughing and shit. no hostility there, which is maaajorly surprising because i got the feeling from her that i was... hated? oooooh well. steven wrote in his live journal he was really worried he was gonna fuck things up. nooooooot gonna happen. the only thing that would make me mad would be if he lied to me... or cheated but that doesnt really work since were not actually going out. but definitely lying, mike did that and i hate him so much for it. i would have dumped him if he hadnt dumped me. so steven did lie to me, but he says it was to surprise me. with fly me to the moon, instead of under my skin. but whatever, thats not really a big deal. i mean, im a little upset actually, but whatever. im over it. HE HASNT SMOKED IN 2.5 DAYS!!!! 3 TOMORROW!!!!!!!!! you have no idea how happy that makes me. i mean, i would do what betty did and just bitch at him to quit cold turkey, but i like it better this way. i know hes not doing it so ill talk to him. lol and maybe itll stick this time. :( i dont want him to die. haha. well, thats not too funny but it struck me as funny at the time. well, im gonna go do homework now, and probably call steven. :-D

love love love

rach

4:01pm: right. so. i have no life whatsoever. all i have to do is update this dumb journal. grrr. i just talked to steven. whats up with him sometimes he seems so sketchy!? like he doesnt even seem like he wants to talk to me sometimes... but then hes like o call me back/ can i call you later?/ i love you rach!!! skeeeeetchiness... but thats ok i love him anyways. although i dont really udnerstand our relationship... he called us "special friends" the other day... i really think of us as a couple. like, i dont think were going out, buts a rachel and steven, steven and rachel sort of thing. i thought.... whatever i still like imh, and i get teh feeling he likes me. :-D

simon and i are getting really close, its pretty cool. i definitely consider him one of my closest friends. hes always saying how easy going i am. :) i like being easy going. i think i could tell him just about anything... and trust him with it.

i wish i could just start my life over. i love my friends... and i love my family, but there are so many thigns i would do differently. i would have NEVER dated mike. that was the stupidest thing i ever did. he taught me so much... about how to deal with abusive relationships. and what sucks even mroe is i think all my friends knew i was being emotionally abused. simon told me he and bryan were really worried about me when they foundout i was goin out with mike. i should have gotten the message when all my friends hated mike... and he totally didnt fit in with any of them. like, maajorly. and now i also realize that steven is so much more.. my type. and he can hang with my friends without me there. and he undestands how we are. he understands how lying on the floor of dougs room from 7-11 at night listening to the doors and beck and led zeppelin is soooo amazing. mike would never have understood why that would be appealing. and mike would have never wanted to go "hang out downtown", or act really stupid in faces and put on stupid hats and wigs. mike was so fucking controlling, and cared so much about what people thoguth of him. when i think about it now i realize that he never let me do anything, and what is even mroe pathetic is that he was 169 miles away from me the whole time he was controlling my every move. steven is into what im into... we actually have thigns in common- singing, music, musical theater. mike used to make FuN of me for that. what the hell did i see in him?? steven wrote me a SONG. a good one. i think mike might have tried to write me a song... like in the first month we dated. i dont even remember any more. i spent a fucking year worshipping this guy, and we dont even have anything in common except for music. and he hates music, he just does it to get into college and because his parents make him. i do it because i LOVE it. i dont care about fucking college. im so glad im out of that fucking relationship. he was sooo awful to me. even my mom knew. and now that i think about it, i realize she was trying to get me out of the relatiopnship. but she didnt want to hurt me and tell me he was an asshole and i couldnt date him anymore. but she definitely did a good job making me hate her. i hated her so much for only eltting me talk to him for an hour every night. and not letting him stay here when he visited. but if she had allowed me more freedom in that relationship... i think it would have gotten worse than it did, which was pretty fucking awful. for a fucking year, i was an unhappy bitch. and now, over the course of the two weeks ive known steven, im the happy. a guy hasnt made me happy in so long... and now someone is. which makes me absolutely positively... great, for lack of a better adjective.

im still dwelling over the fact that i poured every part of myself into my relationship with mike... but it doesnt hurt anymore. it just makes me angry that i could possibly be a victim of that, when i look at myself as a strong and sensible person. i guess i have a weak spot for guys... :-\ all i can say is that i hope my friends look out for me... i dunno if i could handle another relationship like that.

love love love
rach

2:14pm: man is this confusing. i never realized that liking steven would come with so much baggage. for instance betty. i thought she was really cool, she seemed wicked nice! THEN i find out that she accused him of rape and broke his heart? they lived together for 7 months? they fucked? thats just weird that they were so close. he says he really loved her, and he also says hes not over her. wait... not over her? well then what about me, am i just a rebound from his relationship with her? but then i think, no that totally cant be true... because he seems to really like me. im always wondering if hes comparing me to her, o yea, betty was so much better than rachel, man, betty would have never done that, etc. i guess im just a self concious person...

on another note, lucys driving me nuts with this guy thing. sooo many guys think shes hot, and shes like hehe no they dont. ARG if i had that many guys falling at my feet id be in heaven. but nooooo... its rachel i want a boyfriend, why doesnt anyone like me, whine whine whine bitch bitch bitch. im glad richard doesnt like her anymore, and hooked up with sarah. and yet lucy still says, o yea im gonna hook up with him this wknd. whatever....

i want to get new parents. is that possible? i dont think so. itd be nice if stevens mom would adopt me... id like that a lot. except wouldnt that be like incest or something? whatever... i have it better off than a lot of people i know so i cant complain that much.

one good thing in my life is steven... i snuck out at like 1:30 and didnt come back in till 4:00. we just... "hung out" in my side yard. yea... hung out... ;)

rarg

love love love

me :-D