| 'Cause I'll Be On Your Side |
[13 Dec 2003|11:09pm] |
My friends are so depressed
I feel the question
Of your loneliness
Confide..., 'cause I'll be on your side
You know I will, you know I will
I love all of you
Hurt by the cold
So hard and lonely too
When you don't know yourself
My friends are so distressed
And standing on
The brink of emptiness
No words... I know of to express
This emptiness
Imagine me taught by tragedy
Release is peace
I heard a little girl
And what she said
Was something beautiful
To give... your love
No matter what
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| i know blue eyes get boring.. |
[11 Dec 2003|08:57pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
Bam SucKa! 96 on the Ap ExAm! i am so freakin happy. i seriously dont know how i did it. ah thank god for mr. c and his 10 point "ap score" curve. im giving ak shedletsky a run for her money. she better watch her skinny, useless fact knowing ass, cause shes going downtown.
i think this may be the first time i have used the accomplished bat. then again maybe not... hm. someone check that out for me.
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| i felt you slip away.. |
[10 Dec 2003|05:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 sleepy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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reflections- from autumn to ashes |
] |
i am a creature of habit. everyday when i come home, regardless of the time or day i do the same thing.
1) turn on the computer
2) go get something to eat while i wait for the computer to turn on
3) go back to the computer, check my email, & put an away message on
4) take a shower & get dressed
5) go back to the computer and check all 9 livejournals
6) eat dinner
7) start homework
every single day, with out fail. its sad really. i am so bored with myself, actually for a while now. i need to get more sleep
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| guiltification. haha.. |
[08 Dec 2003|11:44pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
] |
lately i have been feeling very unrelatable, like i have very little to offer people. i never get that feeling anymore where people seem like they really enjoy talking to me. so i back off. i like to listen to people's problems, but i dont know if im someone people feel like they can go to. i think i come of cold to people, but really i love my friends so much. they are the center of my life. i just dont think im very enjoyable to be around. its selfish i know, but.. i dont know i feel very unrewarded by my relationships lately. all i ever say is tell me if you want to talk, but i dont get many responses. it must be a personal flaw, i just wish i knew what it was so i could fix it. im tired of chasing people around, i want to be chased for once. its time for me to worry about me, and i want to get something in return. i want that warm feeling that says "this person really wants to spend time with you", "they really want you around".. i havent felt that in a long time. i think its something everyone needs to have confidence and be happy. basically i think im annoying people. well dont worry, i guess i was mistaken about the way things are, but now i know and i'll stop. maybe i'm just being oversensative & im imagining this.. but in that case, i would appreciate reciprocation. or maybe its because i'm not as open with people.. they think i don know what they're going through. i dont know, maybe if someone asked they would see im really not that different, that i have a lot of the same problems, thoughts as they do. but maybe not.. maybe they're right.
i hate myself for this
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| i sell souls on the side of the road, would you like to take a number? |
[30 Nov 2003|10:28pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
] |
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music |
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_hall of mirrors-the distillers_ |
] |
what can i say, i missed writing in this damn thing.
i stole this from lauren flemming, but as she doesnt read my journal i dont think she will mind. so here goes..
write me something. a story, a few words of nonsense, an inspirational quote, a favorite song lyric, a song your wrote, a funny comment, a joke, a poem, a eulogy (kidding), anything you want.
do it anonymously or be proud and sign your name so everyone can see your genius. if people are going to read this journal, some good might as well come out of it. i want to see a lot of posts, unless nobody reads, and in that case i want to see really good posts from those who do.
have fun.
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[26 Nov 2003|04:47pm] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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mr young, talking about his achohol |
] |
i am hungry
i wonder what i will eat for dinner
i am at sarras house, and she is telling me to update my journal so i am.
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[25 Nov 2003|11:04pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
] |
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music |
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thegetupkids, themostdepressingsong. thats really its name |
] |
in an attempt to get sarra to leave me alone, im going to make this entry into my journal.
this is a song. i didnt write it. i wish i had.
I don't want
A picture in the paper
I just want
A minute of your time
At a point
Appreciate an answer
Any token
Would suit me fine
I won't ask
A question you can't answer
Like, "Do you remember All Shook Down?"
At one time
It was your favorite record
But now it's broken
And not around
Baby I broke it
Broke me down
Strain of the show
Takes its toll
But you don't
Wanna know
Maybe I don't know what I'm asking
This is not
The place or time to speak
It's possible piano may be drinking
But it's not me
Couldn't be
I'm sincere
As I can be
Strain of the show
Takes its toll
You don't
Wanna know
make of it what you will.
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[16 Nov 2003|02:22pm] |
i have decided not to continue this journal any longer, because im am far too obvious a person, and people are finding things that i would prefer they not know. i enjoy being at least slightly mysterious ;-)
im sorry to those who enjoy reading about my boring life but this will be the last entry unless someone comes up with a really good reason why i should continue.
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| my day |
[13 Nov 2003|11:00pm] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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coheed&cambria[3-evils] |
] |
today i..
swished 3 foul shots in a row,
wore dirty knee socks,
did a good drawing of an ugly statue of a witch,
started my outline 3 days early,
was told i was the closest thing to normal of all my friends (this is true),
listened to one song on repeat for 1/2 an hour,
fell asleep laying down in the shower,
and ate peanut butter and bananas
and even with all that, at the end of the day i still wasnt happy.
i dont know what it is with me. i almost resented it when she called me normal.
how would she know..
i keep hearing how i dont understand things, i'll never feel the way people feel, how im so normal.
fuck that.
i dont feel normal, i just deal with my own shit so other people dont have to.
ah shut up joli you are so ungreatful.
im sorry anyone who reads this, im just venting.
just ignore it, im such a wuss. im a passive bitch .
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| retrospection |
[09 Nov 2003|10:18pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
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head club |
] |
i realized after reading all my entries the past few days that i've said nothing about what i actually did this week since monday. contrary to popular belief i am not a lump. Well as i said monday there was wings. Tuesday amidst the begining and ending of my essay i managed a trip to one of my favorite places, the boone dog with colin and ashley. it was very nice and relaxing and we just spoke for a little while about nothing important. School the rest of the week, which included a fairly major change in my schedule a full marking period into the school year. Then friday was kiersten's play but before that ashley, colin, and myself went out for chinese. We finished dinner quickly, so we drove the 30 seconds down the parking lot to value village where ashley and i bought cards and religious stickers for kiersten. The play was good and the night was cold but clear so it was a good time. Then last night I rented Igby Goes Down and watched while everyone was out. Today i went shopping with my mom, again, and got a new t-shirt and scarf at the goodwill. Then tonight i worked on my outline until ungodly hours. So basically that was my seemingly uneventful weekend. It sounds boring now that i've typed it up, but it wasnt at the time so what are you gonna do.
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[08 Nov 2003|11:33pm] |
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i think i could look at the stars for ever. there was a lunar eclipse tonight, and no clouds, so the stars were just so incredibly bright, but nobody really seems as intrigued by them as i am. i think they're wonderful. tonight i turned off the lights in my house, put the music really loud, took a shower in the dark while singing to the really loud music, bundled up in my winter coat and layed flat out on the ground in my driveway. sarra called and i talked to her for almost half an hour while i just layed there looking up at the stars. the wind was blowing the leaves around me and it was just so silent. it was amazing. i felt like i could really think about everything thats been going on for me lately. i've felt like shit for too long, and i dont want to do it anymore. i feel like i've been so selfish to everyone, at times when they need me more. i've got to grow up, move up, and stop feeling sorry for myself. i remember when i felt like this in august. i had a walk to nowhere and ended up past erins and my grandmas almost to sarras. i had decided to write paper letters and mail them to all my closest friends, about how i thought the year should go. funny this is not at all how i pictured things then. i never did write those letters something reminded me of that tonight, so i wanted to write it down. im going to try looking at the stars more often.. it makes me feel like nothing, noone can touch me. to quote one of my favorite books, it made me feel infinite.
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| Inspired By A Sweet Sixteen Party |
[08 Nov 2003|12:25am] |
i just found this.. i wrote it at the end of the summer, and i remember exactly why
I am definitely a people watcher. Some people are do-ers, some people are watchers. I am a watcher. I find the activities and exploits of all parts of the human race endlessly fascinating.
That said, I think my favorite segment of society to watch is the one to which I belong, God’s mystifying oversight, the adolescent female. Any one who has ever been or spoken to one will tell you that teenage girls are a species to themselves. Obsessed with image, celebrities, and the opposite sex, they live out the last part of their childhood in a blur of flashy lights and colors, driven by their ultimate goal, to be queen of all the others. Wanting to be the best.
I am not immune of course. Don’t think I’m writing this because I feel that I am above it. I have no call to be condescending because I too indulge in makeup, puppy love crushes on movie stars, and designer pair of shoes or two. No, I am merely making an observation. Similar to the caveman hunting for his next meal, it is written in our DNA, our instinct, to be the best by any means necessary.
This may not seem like a reflection on the world, or society as a whole, but in a way it is. They say that teenagers are the biggest marketing subdivision in the world right now, but really it all stems from teenage girls. They buy things with their daddies money, grow to be adult women who buy things with even more of there own money, and do you really think guys would buy half the stuff they do without girls around to impress? At a time when girls have more opportunities then ever before, they are a shiny haired, fresh faced, Calvin Klein-size force to be reckoned with.
As I get dangerously near the peak of my teenage years, I find myself surrounded by extravagant birthday parties, prom dress catalogues, and pink tinged school supplies, and I am finally beginning to be ok with that. I continue to observe my colleagues, but with increased participation comes increased understanding of the motives and importance behind it all. Watching other girls has taught me about myself, and for that, Johnny Depp movies, and Steve Madden I will be eternally grateful
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| 4:23 |
[06 Nov 2003|04:23pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
] |
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music |
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The New Amsterdams(when we 2 parted) |
] |
Procrastination is an interesting thing. Sometimes i feel like my body just wont listen to my head and get moving. Im so lazy.
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| a few of my favorite things |
[04 Nov 2003|11:53pm] |
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mood |
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 silly |
] |
joli877: you know what i love
SnwAngel2227: me??
SnwAngel2227: english hw
SnwAngel2227: raindrops on roses
SnwAngel2227: and whiskers on kittens
joli877: all of the above
joli877: but also, being mother fucking italian
joli877: i mean does it get any better?
joli877: i think not
SnwAngel2227: im thinking that is correct
SnwAngel2227: u know waht else im thinking
SnwAngel2227: i got mother fucking finding nemo
joli877: what
SnwAngel2227: OH shit
joli877: NICE
SnwAngel2227: back up
joli877: hooooooooly shit
SnwAngel2227: its said how many people i made jealous today with that very statement
joli877: it truely is :'(
SnwAngel2227: sad*
SnwAngel2227: i know
joli877: and plus probably like 90% of them arent italian either
joli877: so their double screwed
SnwAngel2227: another great point
SnwAngel2227: (broughttoyoubyjolilatini)
SnwAngel2227: thats the little subtext that all squished
SnwAngel2227: in case u werent following
joli877: oh i was following
joli877: i had my coffee today
joli877: im ON THE BALL baby
joli877: deanna why do you make me laugh so much more than any one else
SnwAngel2227: YES
caffine
joli877: oh yess
SnwAngel2227: u do too
SnwAngel2227: my family stares at me laughing at the computer
joli877: we should spend more time together making each other laugh
SnwAngel2227: cuz me and u are a hilarious pair
joli877: really? cause of me?!
joli877: we really are
SnwAngel2227: u know taboo.. may casue side splitting laughter.. its more like joeanna(joli and deanna) may cause side splitting laughter (hospitalization may be required)
SnwAngel2227: YES!
joli877: HELL YEAh
SnwAngel2227: i know
SnwAngel2227: we just invited a game
SnwAngel2227: who else can say that about themselves
SnwAngel2227: thats right NO one
SnwAngel2227: invented*
joli877: really its true
SnwAngel2227: it is a factual statement
SnwAngel2227: (it sounds more game like)
SnwAngel2227: hahaha
SnwAngel2227: if u want someone to take anything too far come to me.. ill be sure to do it
joli877: ok
SnwAngel2227: so where is this proifle action
SnwAngel2227: Joli what do boys equal?
joli877: yes we really should
joli877: bad!
joli877: scummy!
SnwAngel2227: boys - pieces of cock shit mother fucker cock suckers.. with no cocks.. and honry ugly fuck shit bastard
SnwAngel2227: my definition is a little better
joli877: hahaha
SnwAngel2227: no offense to yours tho
joli877: ive never heard you curse that much in one sentence
SnwAngel2227: mine was just a little more thought out
joli877: oh yes
joli877: mine was spur of the moment
SnwAngel2227: no on in the world has/... u were the first to experience that moment
joli877: im going to make a link to this entire conversation
joli877: arg.. my computer hates me
SnwAngel2227: haha u cant make my definition a link to a website
joli877: yes yes yes
SnwAngel2227: im sorry for your pain
SnwAngel2227: is is still hating you
SnwAngel2227: wow i am so beyond sleep rght now
SnwAngel2227: i should jsut stay up
joli877: who needs sleep
joli877: yes!
joli877: i have to anyway
joli877: stay up with me
SnwAngel2227: WHY!
SnwAngel2227: this is madness
SnwAngel2227: this is how to fail at life 101
SnwAngel2227: by joli and deanna (dont try this at home)
joli877: haha
joli877: yes
SnwAngel2227: are u really staying up
joli877: bam!
joli877: all up in the profile
joli877: ok
joli877: profiles = pieces of cock shit mother fucker cock suckers.. with no cocks.. and honry ugly fuck shit bastard
SnwAngel2227: beat the system
SnwAngel2227: thats right bitch
joli877: arg
SnwAngel2227: YES!
SnwAngel2227: put an s on the end of bastard for good measure
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| Wings |
[03 Nov 2003|09:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 anxious |
] |
Went to wings with Sarra Danielle Greg Jackie and Matt. It was sort of fun to be out, but a little depressing at the same time. Then Colin showed up and drove Sar and Me to red rooster, which was by far the best part because Sarra and I just talked about everything thats bothering me and her. I dont have school tomorrow, but i think im going to be doing homework the entire day, which sucks. Hopefully I'll come up with something to do by nightfall. Thats a beautifull concept, night fall.
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[02 Nov 2003|11:24pm] |
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I did play my guitar today. It was the first time in months. I taught myself the bass line to 7 nation army.. its the first thing i ever taught myself. I never realised how much i actually missed playing. I hope this becomes a habit. i need someway to get this stuff out.
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| choose your poison |
[02 Nov 2003|11:04pm] |
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mood |
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nauseated |
] |
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music |
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shawshank redemption |
] |
i never thought i'd sink this low. why dont i feel bad about this. maybe its cause i feel bad about everything else. i need to go cry. i think i'll write a book about my fucked up life and all my fucked up friends. or maybe i'll write a song. or maybe i'll do it again.
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[02 Nov 2003|11:05am] |
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All i want is that perfect kiss. Eyes closed and silent, begun by unspoken agreement. I want lips to meet and stay, stuck like the hands on the clock, as though it could last forever. Like the man and woman so long divided by war, that when they are united at last he swings and dips her down into that single awesome kiss. That perfect, meaningful, filmstrip on the nightly news kiss. Thats what i want.
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| but.. |
[01 Nov 2003|11:32pm] |
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if you need me im always here. remember that.
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| you know who you are |
[01 Nov 2003|11:25pm] |
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music |
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The Early November - Baby Blue |
] |
i wish i could help. i wish i knew the right thing to do. everyone's world is falling apart, my closest friends are in so much pain.. and i dont know how to help them, or they wont let me. im useless. so this is my apology to the whole fucking world, but especially to those people who matter most.. whose problems i cant solve. im sorry i cant save you. i want to. im sorry.
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