11:52am 07/06/2003
mood: depressed
music: Anders
I feel incredibly depressed right now. I hate summer time. It makes me sad to see everyone in there little clothes that i will never fit into. I just want it to be cold so i can cover myself up. I am a fucking discusting cow. If i wear short sleeves my mom will see my scars, if i wear short pants she will see my scars....I just want to hide in a hole untill i get un-fat and untill my scars go away. I counted them today, i have 11 now.. The more i burn myself the more i look at myself and think that no one wants a girl covered in scars and then i just get sad and do it again. I'm so afraid that Vi will see more than he already has and not want to be with me anymore. I took some pills the other day too. I never do shit like that. Paul and I pinky promised eachother that we would never do that anymore. I think we aren't going to smoke anymore either. He is such a good friend, I'm glad that i found a guy that will be my friend and not try to get into my pants.

My long song

My heart is an open wound
But i still give it freely to you
to do with whatever you please
Cancel this confessional
The words come too slowly now
And I'm blindly bleeding more
And missing you too much tonight
In the memories of what we were
So i stumble down this basement flight
Go to bed turn out the godamn light
These bitter white pills do nothing for me
Being depressed comes so easily
Clearly confessed my sin in a way
If i asked you would you promise to stay?
Don't say goodbye
Don't say goodnight
Just go to bed
forget this life
Requiem of you and me
The sun finished anthem has crumbled to peices
Left surely to die
So cancel this confessional
And I'm blindly falling apart
And I wonder how you're making out
Wondering if you're making out
I can't sleep
I can't think
I'm afraid to even blink
So I'll see you at the funeral
Once you were something beautiful
But the beauty falls and turns to black
And these memories seem so cruel