||Mars Volta : Drunkenship of Lanterns
Oh, fuck. Lovely fight went down last night. Hrm. I suppose it was my fault, but I could tell something was wrong. So I asked. She said she didn't want to tell me because it would break my heart. Eh. Now that I knew something she had to tell me. I finally got it out of her. She doesn't believe in love. It could have been worse, I suppose. But all of a sudden it turned into some huge PMS match. We were bitching and namecalling and it was pretty fucking stupid. I finally left and on a really bad note. Hm. When I think about it, she was the first to say she loved me. Which strikes me as funny since now she says she doesn't believe in it any longer. Says she would say it over and over, hoping to give it meaning or something, and that she had no idea where she'd be in two years, let alone why she exists, so why worry about love? Hm. Well truthfully, I think it's ridiculous to worry about the philosophy on life and love at 14 years old. But that's just me. I'm too immature to worry about these things anyway. But I remember a few nights ago..
kat0 like w0ah: i love you and it's ridiculous we're young and not together right now. we should be within feet of each other until we die.
kat0 like w0ah: almost stalker-esque
kat0 like w0ah: i love you i love you i love you
kat0 like w0ah: how i ended up with you is beyond me
kat0 like w0ah: i am beyond grateful. i feel as if i owe someone something just to blessed by your presence
kat0 like w0ah: i was outside, walking in our yard while you were in the shower, thinking about how we got together.
kat0 like w0ah: .. it's just seems like fate is kissing my ass right now. our asses.
kat0 like w0ah: fate, oh fate. i believe.
Ha. I should show that to her sometime. She also says she's not sure if she even feels this way, but she's still being pissy about the whole situation. She thought I'd be bothered by it, heartbroken. I really could have taken it a lot harder. I'm not bothered at all, really. Just confused. I feel stupid, though. I don't know why. I think it's because this has happened so many other times. I remember breaking up with JC. His excuse: "too young for love". Breaking up with Alik: "there's no such thing as love at thirteen. I never loved you". I'd say the same for Chris, but he was a lot different. I did love him. He did love me. I think. But I don't want to get into that much right now. Anyway. Now, this time.. I can't tell if we really broke up or not, but it doesn't matter because we're in the same position. She doesn't believe in love. We can still be together, but it feels awkward. It kind of hurts, in a very selfish way. We spoke so many times about how we were so in love, meant for each other.
I kind of don't get it still.