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[ AUGUST 23, 2003 / 10:02PM ] Hm. No point in using this anymore, really. Although I like the name. Oh, fuck it. I'll use it anyway.

read/add (4) [ AUGUST 20, 2003 / 10:18AM ] [ mood | stupid. ] [ music | Mars Volta : Drunkenship of Lanterns ] Oh, fuck. Lovely fight went down last night. Hrm. I suppose it was my fault, but I could tell something was wrong. So I asked. She said she didn't want to tell me because it would break my heart. Eh. Now that I knew something she had to tell me. I finally got it out of her. She doesn't believe in love. It could have been worse, I suppose. But all of a sudden it turned into some huge PMS match. We were bitching and namecalling and it was pretty fucking stupid. I finally left and on a really bad note. Hm. When I think about it, she was the first to say she loved me. Which strikes me as funny since now she says she doesn't believe in it any longer. Says she would say it over and over, hoping to give it meaning or something, and that she had no idea where she'd be in two years, let alone why she exists, so why worry about love? Hm. Well truthfully, I think it's ridiculous to worry about the philosophy on life and love at 14 years old. But that's just me. I'm too immature to worry about these things anyway. But I remember a few nights ago.. kat0 like w0ah: i love you and it's ridiculous we're young and not together right now. we should be within feet of each other until we die. kat0 like w0ah: almost stalker-esque kat0 like w0ah: i love you i love you i love you kat0 like w0ah: how i ended up with you is beyond me kat0 like w0ah: i am beyond grateful. i feel as if i owe someone something just to blessed by your presence kat0 like w0ah: i was outside, walking in our yard while you were in the shower, thinking about how we got together. kat0 like w0ah: .. it's just seems like fate is kissing my ass right now. our asses. kat0 like w0ah: fate, oh fate. i believe. Ha. I should show that to her sometime. She also says she's not sure if she even feels this way, but she's still being pissy about the whole situation. She thought I'd be bothered by it, heartbroken. I really could have taken it a lot harder. I'm not bothered at all, really. Just confused. I feel stupid, though. I don't know why. I think it's because this has happened so many other times. I remember breaking up with JC. His excuse: "too young for love". Breaking up with Alik: "there's no such thing as love at thirteen. I never loved you". I'd say the same for Chris, but he was a lot different. I did love him. He did love me. I think. But I don't want to get into that much right now. Anyway. Now, this time.. I can't tell if we really broke up or not, but it doesn't matter because we're in the same position. She doesn't believe in love. We can still be together, but it feels awkward. It kind of hurts, in a very selfish way. We spoke so many times about how we were so in love, meant for each other. I kind of don't get it still.

[ AUGUST 19, 2003 / 01:45PM ] [ mood | like a very terrible, hurtful person. ] [ music | Linkin Park : By Myself ] Well I'm just such a lovely person. Posted an entry in the livejournal about how I felt with all of the love questionings and the like. Found out this afternoon that she was betrayed and hurt badly by a friend. My entry only upset her more and now I feel like a bad person. I am a bad person. Maybe I shouldn't have been so upset about it all, but I couldn't help it. I was confused and upset and I have now made her more hurt and more upset than she already was. This is kind of like that time where she upset me.. it was very much like this time. But whatever. I don't know what to do. edit; I think everything is okay now? Hm.

[ AUGUST 19, 2003 / 06:14AM ] She questioned our love today. She's reading some philosophy book and it makes her think or something.. so she thinks. She thinks and thinks. About our love, our relationship. She said she knows I love her but does she love me? In some ways, she's right. She does treat me like crap.. on occasion. Not always. Many times, she's the greatest girlfriend in the world to me. But I don't like being so caring when she's all 'fuckyouimpissedoffgoaway'. When I'm mad as hell or something, I try to avoid being bitchy to her. Maybe that's just my nature. Or maybe she likes doing it. I don't know. She referred to me as her "emotional crutch", a safety net. Without each other we would collapse. That's all too true. But her words keep flashing before my eyes.. "you love me, but do I love you?" Further on, she kept saying "I love you". I know she does. She absolutely does. But I'm one of those people that get bothered by little things. Hrm.

[ AUGUST 18, 2003 / 05:43PM ] [ mood | emotastic ] [ music | Pixies : No. 13 Baby ] In all honesty, I hate how she goes all insecure and mopey on me.. But I hate being irked by it because that's being really selfish. I can't help it. When she does this, I express concern and I get worried and then everything is fine again in another five minutes. Even if it's not. She's just all OMG LOL IM FINE. I'm in love with her. Would give anything for her. I never want to see her upset, only happy and content. I love her I love her I love her. But last night.. she left me sixteen messages. She was really ranty and upset and needed me and sounded so sad and miserable. The last one was 'fuck it all' and then she signed off. Lala. Lovely. I felt so horrible for not being there that I just completely broke down, crying, teeth chattering, shaking.. I just sat in my chair and read it a few times and cried. She knows I couldn't be on then.. she knew. I don't know if it was the upset that was making her rant or the fact that she knew it would upset me to see it. Not too long ago, she got mad that I didn't say goodbye or something and then got all pissy and denied that I even loved her. Upset me to no extent, let me say that. And she knew it would. Last night, I know she was upset and feeling very self-loathing and I understood. I told her I did. And so after I leave she gets upset again and tells me about it. There was nothing I could do if I wasn't there. And I just think she knows that it upsets me. I'm probably just being dramatic as always.. but that's just my nature, I suppose. Meh. I sound lame and bitchy here. I'll stop. She'd hate me if she read this. Erm. In other news. I'm not moving. I wanted to move so badly. Get away from the insecurities, the people, the immaturity. The fresh start would be something I need so badly. I hate it here, here hates me. I have no friends, no one pays any attention to me. In a way, I like it because no one bothers me. But then again, I want those long forgotten days of sleepovers with movies, popcorn, and hair-crimping. Just.. hanging out and acting like complete losers all night. I used to be so happy, so full of life and now I'm all OMG EMO. Suckage. Lost a few friends. But psh. Who needs friends? .. Mm, I do. I've been eating Lucky Charms and listening to Doolittle since ten o'clock this morning. It's almost six. Cool.

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