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[21 Apr 2003|09:19pm] |
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mood |
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Indifferent |
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music |
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Disturbed - Remember |
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So I finally got a roomate.  quinn_vancamp
She moved in last night, I think? I can't remember. These past couple of days are blurry. I met someone last night, but I was so fucked up I can't remember his name.
I'm done.
No more pills.
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[10 Apr 2003|09:39pm] |
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mood |
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hot |
] |
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music |
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Rasputina * You Don't Own Me |
] |
Goddamn, it's hot in here, again.
Strips down and pulls on an old nine inch nails t-shirt, sprawling across her bed with a bottle of water and three little yellow pills.
Sober is way overrated.
Pops all three pills in her mouth at once, tiliting her head back, gulping three or four sips of water, some of it trickling down her chin.
Num. Laughs a little, pulling out a cigarette, fishing the lighter [that I managed so sweet talk an orderly out of this morning] out of my nightstand, lighting up and inhaling deeply, falling back on the bed with a sigh of relief.
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[10 Apr 2003|06:10pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
] |
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music |
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Type 0 Negative * Gothic Girl |
] |
I didn't sleep last night. Too much chocolate.
Every time I started to drift off, something woke me up. I tried walking the halls, seeing if anyone interesting was about. Nope. I stopped to check on Mercedes but..he was otherwise disposed.
I don't want to talk about it.
I ended up sitting in here, watching the alarm clock change from minutes to hours until the sun came up and I had to go meet the tutor.
For fuck's sake.
I need something to do.
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[09 Apr 2003|11:27pm] |
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mood |
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crazy |
] |
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music |
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Jack Off Jill * Rabbiteen |
] |
Ok I was wrong. Mercedes only had to run back to his room for a second. The truth? We stayed up for a long time, had a huge ass pillow fight. Rubs her forehead. Then I whacked my head on the bed. Ow.
Then I did his eyeliner. He's now the queen of emo. Laughs, nibbling a piece of chocolate.
Oh, what was the best part? We got hungry so we snuck to the cafeteria and raided the supplies. I got a shitload of candy bars and skittles. Wiggle with glee.
Mercedes is my first openly gay friend. Its interesting, having him have the same silly crushes as I do on people like Vin Diesel. Drools a little.
He doesn't solve the problem of being lonely for physical affection but I'm glad to have him as a friend. And someone to beat the hell out of with pillows.
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[09 Apr 2003|09:44pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
] |
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music |
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Tool - Pushit |
] |
Oops.
Rests her chin on her knees, rocking back & forth a little I was talking to Mercedes today. He stopped by my room. I was still a little high --
We talked for a few minutes. He's a very nice, very level headed person. It was kind of scary, I felt demented, sitting across from him. He left kind of suddenly. I think maybe something I said freaked him out.
Frowns and lies back down, curling up next to her pillow. I don't want to alienate people. It would be nice to have someone to talk to, you know?
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[09 Apr 2003|08:41pm] |
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mood |
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morose |
] |
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music |
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Tool - 4 Degrees |
] |
Am I in solitary confinement or something? Its so quiet in here.
Looks around, sobering a little. I don't do well, being alone for long periods of time. It gives my mind too much time to wander. I miss having someone to talk to.
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[09 Apr 2003|08:21pm] |
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mood |
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Euphoric |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Disturbed * Remember |
] |
Tonight the pills were pink.
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[09 Apr 2003|06:22pm] |
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mood |
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Sweet |
] |
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music |
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Marilyn Manson * Sweet Tooth |
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Stretches, rolls over, pushes the pillow away, bare feet dangling off the edge of the bed.
I'm still hot, even stripped down to a tank top and undies. The air conditioning is going full blast but a night of no sleep and a day of school. struggling not to fall asleep right at my desk, has left me hot and irritable. This whole mandatory school thing has caught me off guard.
Swings her legs back and forth idly, humming along with the music.
I've got to find something to do.
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[08 Apr 2003|11:16pm] |
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mood |
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restless |
] |
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music |
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Chevelle * The Red |
] |
I can't stop writing tonight.
I can't stop thinking tonight. My head is a little fogged, a little achey from those pills. I feel like getting into something tonight but I stuck my head in the hall and nobody is around. I feel like screaming "Who wants to go do something stupid with me?" but I haven't gone that far yet.
No need to confirm their suspicions right? I don't see a lot of people here that look like they're into my kind of ah..interests. Of course, I could be wrong. The most hardcore guy I ever met wore a 3 piece suit during daylight hours.
I need to sit down, lie here, be calm. Its not going to happen. They didn't take my cigarettes when they searched me at admission because I'm 18, but they did take my lighter. What the fuck? Do I have to rub two coconuts together to get a light?
I keep looking at this window. It would be so easy to slip right out of it and find a little trouble. Hm...11:00 at night...all the good children should be in bed.
Laughs her ass off.
Perfect, only my kind of kids are still awake.
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[08 Apr 2003|10:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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Coming Down |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Disturbed * Devour |
] |
Rolls onto her stomach, resting her chin on her hand, deep in thought.
This is the worst part. Coming down from a high. It makes you weak to feelings you don't normally feel susceptible to.
I remember the night my brother left. I guess he was 20? Can't remember anymore - 2 years of not seeing a person at all makes you forget the little things like that. He told me he would write and he did - three letters just to me - three letters of his loopy, dark handwriting about how glad he was that he left. I'm justified then, hating my parents. He hated them enough to leave our sprawling, classy mansion to make it for himself in the world.
Hating my father's political ambitions and how my demeanor and actions don't fit in "the scheme of a well adjusted man with a well adjusted family that the public feels comfortable electing to an office." NOISE. What is all that noise? My demeanor & actions? Excuse the fuck out of me for not being Mary Tyler Moore.
Those letters are far between. The last one was dated 8 months ago. I'm probably due for another. Will the attorney forward it to me? My parents don't talk about David anymore. Like he ceased to exist. Wonder if - other than that fat check they sign over to this hospital each month - I'll cease to exist in their minds as well?
Torrey? Who is she - a former servant?
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[08 Apr 2003|09:19pm] |
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mood |
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carefree |
] |
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music |
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Metallica * Enter Sandman |
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Rolls my eyes toward the door slowly, neck craning to see Craven craven_addams standing in the entrance. My whole body is light and moving it the way I want is difficult. It almost feels like my limbs are tied to marionnette strings.
I manage to slide a hand in my pocket, fish around, and extend my arm, backwards, towards him, a little white pill between my fingers, clutched like a pearl.
"You wanna forget yourself, Craven? Step Inside."
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[08 Apr 2003|05:52pm] |
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mood |
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high |
] |
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music |
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Veruca Salt * Drop Dead Gorgeous |
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I was reading Alice in Wonderland. Reading & thinking about Jaz. I wondered what he was doing right that second - what slut girl he was slinking into some S&M club with while I was just sprawled here, reading a fucking book. In Jamaica for Chrissakes.
I started thinking about his body. What it would look like eviscerated. What I would use to gut him. A rusty coathanger. A antique hunting knife. A meat hook. The possibilities were endless. I was fantasizing about his intestines spilling out into his lap while he was still concious. I was probably panting with lust and foaming at the mouth with eagerness.
But he isn't worth my eagerness. So I took a pill. Closed my eyes and picked one. It was yellow, kind of small. So I found another just like it and swallowed them both without water. They tickled all the way down.
I realized when it hit me - the same familiar, sucking sensation of being pulled into a chemical euphora, that I only needed one. Just 5 milligrams to make me forget about all the bullshit that I've endured the past 4 years. And here I had taken two.
My head is so heavy now, my eyelids want to close, want to open, want to close. They just perpetually blink, making my lamp dance in dim yellow dots just in front of me. I have my feet on the pillow, my head at the foot of the bed.
Staring at this poster of Sid Vicious. He wavers and his muscles move, like he's breathing. My breathing matches his. Its in and out, slow and steady. I become a part of him, paper and all. This is madness.
This is happiness. I need someone to share this feeling with. Someone to lie in the air conditioning with me and forget we exist.
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[08 Apr 2003|04:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Jack Off Jill * Nazi Halo |
] |
So in the grand process of unpacking all of my shit stuff, I find this. A picture of me the day before I find out about 'my little vacation to the islands' -HAH.
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[07 Apr 2003|11:12pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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crazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Jack Off Jill * Angels Fuck |
] |
How utterly, fucking typical.
This is what? The eighth, no, ninth treatment facilitiy that I've been in 4 years. My birthday is coming up. Anyone care what I want? Well, since you asked....my father's head on a fucking stake.
Blissful.
First things first - any interesting people around here? Holds up a little tin pillbox. I need some friends to help me enjoy these lovely little....shhh....quaaludes.
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