Friday, May 14, 2004 @ 10:48pm Entry no.455 mmm... fudge ||   emotion entertainment    bored   || ||   emotion entertainment   "Burn"... Usher   || Yes, my life is ever so exciting. It's a Friday night, I'm sitting at home, with no boyfriend and eating as much fudge as I can stand. Actually, I'm eating whatever I can get my hands on. It's pretty depressing. ((shrugs)) Oh well. Anyway, I've been taking driving lessons, and NOT killing anyone, contrary to what all my friends may say. I still need a lot of practice though, but not really willing to shell out 42 bucks an hour just to have some behind the wheel practice. (My dad doesn't really give a shit about me, and could care less, so I'm not even going to bother asking him) So, lately, I've been bribing friends with money and other things to let me practice driving their cars. Anyone feel like teaching me the proper way to parallel park, and well.. make turns? I can't do them for the life of me, especially when my stupid instructor won't tell me what I'm doing wrong. Ha, I wonder... if I post in philadelphia... would there be any offers. Probably not. And I've been talking to Chris a lot, well, more than I have in the past. He's a good person to talk to. I wonder why I haven't bothered to get to know him better. He's still being mediator for Brian and I, because things are still really rocky. And, I'm trying to listen and offer any advice I have about his situation. Although, today he told me a few things, that brought ((shudders)) vivid images to mind, and wow, somethings are just better left unsaid. Anywhoo, I stopped by today to see Brian after my driving lesson. I was originally going to go to CCP and get my ID taken, but they decided to close early, so I went to Brian's instead. I got there, and as expected, the guy's a mess. He gets down on his knees, recited a poem, and gave me a promise ring... even though we're not together anymore. I feel weird about wearing it, so I just keep it around my neck just like the other ring, but of course, I didn't do that til I got home. If I had taken it off in front of him, it most likely would have brought on another onset of tears. I really wish he would get a hold of himself, because I'm starting to get the impression that it'd be better off if we didn't see each other for a while. Ah, I'm tired of writing, because frankly, I'm bored outta my mind, and this ain't helping it. <33 bye unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 @ 07:21pm Entry no.454 .... It's over. unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Wednesday, May 12, 2004 @ 01:37pm Entry no.453 "this love has taken its toll on me...." ||   emotion entertainment   Between now and then .. Element 101   || ((sighs)) I hate that I can't ever write an entry expressing whatever emotion I'm feeling at the moment without worrying how it'll effect people when they read it. I just wrote out this long detailed entry expressing everything I've been feeling for the past few weeks pertaining to my progressively failing relationship, but in a moment of weakness, I deleted it, because I'm afraid of the reprecussions of my thoughts. I'm trapped, plain and simple. I've been too kindhearted in this relationship, allowing it to go on because I'm afraid to hurt someone who cares for me so deeply. Ultimately, it was the wrong choice to make because now, because I've drawn it out, and I'm starting to resent him, when he hasn't done anything but try his hardest to make this relationship work. Last night, I spent a good portion of the night depressed. It wasn't even the kind of depression where you could use tears as a release, but the kind that just leaves you with an aching feeling inside. And, of all my friends, there was not one I felt comfortable turning to. Who could I turn to without feeling as though I'm burdening them with a problem that could be (in their eyes) easily remedied? If I'm not happy, just end it, right? If only it were that easy. People's emotions come into play, and so does guilt. I know that it won't be an easy breakup, but does he need to tell me over and over, that he doesn't know what he'll do without me? I wish that someone who understands my situation were online right now. He thinks it's getting better, but I don't feel as though the situation's changed at all since I've been back. He's just not the type of person I want to be in a relationship with, and despite his constant reassurances that he'll change, I just don't believe it. You can't change yourself into something you're not, and no matter how many times I tell him that, he refuses to believe that. Besides, you shouldn't have to change yourself to try and keep someone to stay with you. They should be able to love you no matter what, and if I can't do that, it's not a reflection on your part. It just means something in me is lacking. This relationship is drawing to an end, and it's up to him how the whole thing'll play out, but I have this little voice in the back of my head that tells that I'll most likely wind up hating him after our breakup. He's already told me if I were to ever do such a thing that he'd be after me almost immediately asking if I want to get back together. I won't be able to cope with him constantly hounding me about getting back together, and god forbid if I decide to date after the breakup. Then I'll probably be stalked. ((sighs)) Right now, I'm supposed to go see him. I don't know if I want to, but I know I'll hear about it later on if I don't. Damned if I do, damned if I don't. Somebody shoot me, so that I don't have to deal with this. unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Wednesday, May 05, 2004 @ 02:24pm Entry no.452 Quiz time [starting... randomness] Go into your LJ's archives. Find your 23rd post (or closest to). Find the fifth sentence (or closest to). Mine is: We don't need you, you fuckin' scum ((laughs)) Got to LOVE backstabbing friends. ( surveys ) ( quiz stolen from Britton ) .Just believe, I've got what you need. .It's just you and me, tonight. .I feel so good, so incredible. .When you walked in my life. .Didn't want to let you go. .Now you're gone, I can't find a way out of this. .Just want to let you know how I feel. .Now the bed is so cold where you used to lay. .I don't want you to leave, I just want you to stay. .I can't take anymore. I'm going insane. .Just want to have you back by my side. .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. .Sometimes, my heart feels all alone. .When you are gone. .I'm telling you. .Sometimes, my hearts still dream of you. .Do you feel it to? .-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-. Stop back time, for me and my lover So we are together forever in love Can you stop back time for me and my lover? Make this summer forever mine? [//end randomness] unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Tuesday, May 04, 2004 @ 12:30am Entry no.451 emotions. ||   emotion entertainment   mehhh!   || ||   emotion entertainment   John's mix   || Today was... rather amusing. I woke up to having Steven and Darren banging on my door so that I could let them in to use my friggin cable modem. Great job guys, break down my door just so that you can have faster internet connection. I swear, I don't understand members of my family sometimes. Wait, I can't even say that, because I'm the most irrational person in my family, so everyone makes sense to me. It took me forever to try and get them out of the house, so that of course made me run late. Good job me. Eh, so I got down to Race-Vine, and waited around at Jake's because Brian wasn't there. Turns out he went back to Roman to give me a call, because I can't be on time for anything. I went outside and waited for him, but when I saw him, both Chris and him looked like their dogs died or something. I was like, shit, what the fuck just happened here? Turns out that he read my entry about Britton. It messed him up really good, because on Monday we had a nice little breakdown. He asked me if I were to ever write anything that pertained to Britton, could I possible make the entire entry a private one. But after he told me that, we just walked around in a very uncomfortable silence until I started being my silly self and broke the awkwardness. We wound up shopping for prom stuff, where I unknowingly complied an outfit that's very Audrey Hepburn / Breakfast at Tiffany's-ish. What once was a very boring and plain dress, became a sleek elegant outfit. Well, as sleek as it can be with a vertiable small whale inside of it. Perhaps I'll be able to post up pics of it, if I ever remember to carry my damned camera. We finished shopping, we decided, hey, let's check out the Real World house. So we walked down there, and the boy just opened the door and walked right in as though it were his house. We got to see one of the members of the show. He's pretty cute. <33 But, yeah, I can't believed they turned one of Philadelphia's historical pieces into a brothel basically. Let's wait six months or so, and see how many places RW'ers managed to have sex in. ((grumbles)) Who am I kidding? I'll still check out a few episodes. I'm such the loser. After checking out the house, we decided to head down to Cosi's to grab a bit to eat. When we were there, there was this guy there, who was a bit... off. Brian and I sat down at the table next to his. After we were situated, I mentioned that there were no napkins, and asked Brian if he could get some. Before Brian could even get up, he jumped up and practically ran to get them. Okay? Strange. The meal goes on, without a hitch, until I figured that I needed a knife to cut my salad into bits and pieces, so I can at least pretend to be a dainty female. Brian told me afterwards that when I got up, the guy's eyes followed my butt up to the counter and then followed my chest back to the table. Of course, Brian caught all of this and shot him the look of death, so he stopped that right quick. He kept looking at me until he left though, or so Brian says. I'm just completely oblivious to things like this, because contrary that what other people may say, I just think I'm ordinary looking, if that. Despite constant reassurances from ex and current boyfriends, Dolly telling me that I'm too hot to bring around her dates until they're finalized as a "couple", and random guys checking me out, I just don't believe it. Maybe when I actually do lose all the weight I've pack on, I'll start to believe it more. Blah, anyways! We had to pick out flowers for prom too, so we went down to South Street. I picked out the prettiest flowers. Stargazer lilies and snapdragons. I thought roses were a little too... boring for this occaision. After we got the flower thing done, Brian told me that he never got around to showing me how he was going to dip me at the prom. Oh fuck. I'm the most paranoid person in the world. How am I going to trust a skinny little 140 pound guy to dip me? He tried to, but I was just so stiff, so I practiced on him, and nearly had him slam into a metal fence. Hahahaha. Good stuff. Blah blah blah some more. [I just realized I'm pretty lazy when it comes to writing full entries. I'd rather just mention the main events, rather than try and fill in all the details.] We headed down to Penn's Landing and just sat there... where I told Brian of my kiss with Britton. Yes, that's what was in the deleted part of the entry before this one. My ex-boyfriend and I shared a kiss. It sounds bad, but it's really hard to explain the feeling that I have for this man. Dolly understands it, and I'm pretty sure that anyone who's experienced love and lost it would to. Everyone has that one person who they're still in love with, would do anything to still be with them, consequences be damned. The person could have everything going perfectly in their life, but if that ex shows up on their doorsteps, saying that they wanted to be with it, the person would throw everything away just for a few stolen moments with their former love. I'm trying not to let that happen, but it's hard. I just, I'm not quite sure that I want to do with it. I want to give my relationship with Brian a chance, but it's been on the rocks lately. It's not like I want to be back with Britton right now, just be able to spend more time with him without any restrictions. I guess that I'm just missing the single life again. Fuck! I didn't realize the time, I've got to go. Finish this up later unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Tuesday, May 04, 2004 @ 12:18am Entry no.450 I saw Britton ||   emotion entertainment   unfuckingbelievably chipper   || ||   emotion entertainment   She will be loved // Maroon 5   || Wow, Blurty's being a pain in the ass. It never lets me log onto Semagic when I want it to and the server always seem to be down. I guess that's why I've been using Livejournal all the time, but I'll always come back to my Blurty <33. Yesterday, or today rather, was a lovely, lovely, lovely day/night for me. I got to see my lovely Mister Brown. What? YES! I got to see him after a year. Well, almost a year, about 12 days shy of a full year. How pathetic is that? I remember the day exactly, but it's only because it was opening day of The Matrix Reloaded. But, yes, Britton and I were talking on the phone yesterday, and he mentioned that he had to get out of the house, and wondered if I would want hang out with him for a little bit. I was all for it, even though it was 3am, because hey, I've missed him, and it's Britton, how could I NOT want to see him? The only problem was.. it was 3 in the morning and I haven't bothered to unpack any of my clothes from Jersey yet. I had grabbed my shower an hour earlier, and never bothered getting dressed again, so it was kind of a pain to dig through all these bags to try and find something. I finally went out being dressed in an orange shirt and red plaid boxers, AND my emo blanky. Oh yes, I was rocking the coolness. Yeah right, I was being a weirdo. Who goes out with a blanket wrapped around them? At least he found it amusing. I got into the car, and hugged him, leaned back in the seat, and almost immediately jumped back up to hug him. I always had the problem where I just couldn't get enough of his hugs. He said that I'm addicting? He's the one that's addicting. So, we just wound up driving around for a while, and it was strange, because it just felt like the old days... but it wasn't. We talked about random stuff, but amused us. I rediscovered that he was in fact VERY ticklish, so of course, I had to tickle him. While I was doing that, a thought came into my head, I wanted to hold his hand again. We came close several times, because he kept grabbing at my hands whenever I would tickle them, but take a little while to let go again. Eventually one of us would pull away because it was awkward, like a "yeah, right, anyways" deal. We wound up heading up towards the NE, and I asked if we could go walk around NEHS, because I've missed that school (sort of). We parked, got out, and yup, he's still the same height, or I'm just a midget, but anyways, we gave each other proper hugs now. Or as proper of a hug two people could give when there is a vast difference in height. We walked, we talked, I beat him up. It was good times. It was cold though, and I offered him my emo blanky, but it was kind of hard because again, the height difference. We wound up walking side by side for a little while with his arms around me. Nice. We walked the whole mile around NEHS, and I barely even realized it. Time really flies when I spend it with him. Afterwards, back into the car we got, and back to Olney we went. He pulled up to the spot where he first pulled up to when we got together. We allowed ample time for the memory to come back, and then I attacked him. ((TICKLES!!)) But after that... for me, it got a little weird. It got to the point where it would have been so easy for me if I just leaned over and kissed him. Not really a good thing if you've got a boyfriend. It would have just been so easy to kiss him. So friggin easy!! I had to move myself away from him so that I wouldn't. The temptation was there, I felt something that hasn't faded over time. It was for best to move away before anything happened, because he didn't need to be put in such an awkward position. ((shrugs)) Anywhoo, he walked me to door though. We got to the gate, and I turned around, looked at him, and just threw my arms around him. Again, I didn't want to let go. I was on the steps, so I was elevated to his height, so I was able to bury my head into his shoulder. It was so comforting to have his arms around me again. For a moment, I just closed my eyes and breathed in his cologne. It's funny how whenever I'm around him, I'm just so damned relaxed. I'm just able to be happy, and not worry about if I say something from the heart that I'm going to wind up hurting the person. All my feelings for him are still there. I thought I had gotten rid of them all, locked them away so that they'd never resurface again, but, no, the suckers broke free. So that meant me standing there, almost refusing to let go of him, because I just don't want to leave just yet. I don't know what he was thinking, but when we let go of each other and just looked at each other, I could have sworn he was back in the same place I was, thinking the same things that I was. We were literally inches away from each other and it would have been so easy to just bridge the gap. Every memory of Brian flew out of my head, and all I could think about was how much I wanted to kiss him again. Luckily, he made things easy on me, and asked for "a kiss between ex's". Not to worry, it was an innocent little peck. But I didn't want it to be. I'm pretty disgusted with myself, but at the same time, I'm not. After the peck, we just held each other again, not really wanting to end the night. Finally, I forget who, someone pulled away, gave one more kiss for the road, and we said our goodbyes. I went to bed with a smile that night/morning. Eep, I have another entry to write and it's getting late, so I'll end this one here. Britton, if you're reading this, thank you. It was fabulous hanging out with you. Hope to do it again soon. <33 toodles. unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Sunday, May 02, 2004 @ 11:58pm Entry no.449 Look! A pretty entry just for you, Mister Brown ||   emotion entertainment    hot   || ||   emotion entertainment   Burn ... Usher   || I have now moved back to Philadelphia and am in possession of a good amount of money and resisting the urge to go out and buy every pretty little thing that catches my eye. I have to learn to not blow my money on whatever I want, because money tends to run out if you don't work. Anywhoo, updates. Brian and I got into a whole 'nother fight last night. We get into them a lot, and this one a bunch of hypothetical questions come up, like what would happen if we were to break up. Namely, would I take him back if I realized that breaking up with him was a huge mistake. I didn't really know the answer to that one. And then Brian asked me a fun question; if him and I were to break up, would I try to go back out with Britton. Always going back to the subject. Yes, way to turn my whole friendship with Britton around. Okay, I'm talking to my exboyfriend, who I still care very much for and want to try and become friends with, because he is someone who I can see in my life in the future. I gave him the answer to that question, which was, Britton and I are just trying to build our friendship, nothing more than that at the moment. I doubt that anything else will ever happen between up, but who knows what will happen in the future, so I couldn't really give him a definite answer. Now when he posed that question, if he and I were to break up, would I ever consider taking him back, and I gave him a vague half-answer. I thought it was rather funny; as soon as I said that, he said that he called it. He knew that I would give a clear and concise response to the Britton question, but duck out of answering his question. Could you really blame me though? Now that I'm back in Philadelphia, we're going to try and work out this relationship. Basically, we're going to start anew and try to salvage what's left of it. I don't know what'll happen, but whatever does happen, it'll be for the best. And to elaborate more on the whole Britton situation, we are indeed talking again. I'm so grateful for the fact that we've moved on from being children and striving past the whole evilness in the past. I don't think he knows exactly how much he means to me. While I was in Jersey, every single chance I got to talk to him, I went to bed smiling. And the Friday that just passed, he really helped me and cheered me up. Granted, he was drinking a bit, and I could have taken advantage of the situation by picking his brain, but nah, I just asked him what he thought of me. I liked the answer, and then he proposed to me. Well, not propose-propose, just asked me if we both weren't married by age 27, that would I want to get hitched. He's such the romantic. I wouldn't have a problem with it though. We're compatible. He does his thing, I do my thing, and we just enjoy our time together. I already cracked a few jokes about it, how we're just so laidback with each other, he could go off on his travels and disappear for months on end, and when he got back, I'd just say, hi hun, give him a smooch and act as though it was just another day. Or maybe I'd be like that because I'm so damned ditzy that I wouldn't even notice he's been gone. Oh! Baby news. He's finally said "mama". Only took him forever and a day. I miss him a lot already. He just started coming to me when I called him, and all today he was being so adorable. He kept holding his arms out to me so that I could carry him around. When Diana and I got out of work today, we took him out for a walk around the neighborhood, and for some reason, he thought he was a bunny and started hopping around. Except it didn't really looking like hopping, more like he was having a seizure. I don't know what I'll do in the mornings. I usually have him poke me awake. And no, I don't mean poke in *that* sense. I'm going to have friends crash over my house, just so that I have someone to sleep next too. I don't like being alone. Never have, never will. But, damnit, I hate being here when my baby's growing up there. Guess who I'm talking to again? Brian P. and Mike C. I've missed them. Then again, I've missed practically everyone who I haven't talked to in a while. I realized, it's because of my stubborness that I'm not talking to them anymore, so I just sucked it up, and caved. So, yeah, we're talking again. Anyways, I just tore my room apart again tonight, so I've got to clean it, because I need to pick up prescriptions tomorrow. <33 toodles. unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Tuesday, March 23, 2004 @ 11:55pm Entry no.448 I hate my life. ||   emotion entertainment   Good eats   || Bored, as usual. Diana went to Philadelphia and I'm all sad, because there's no one to talk to. Even work was slow, so I just mostly sat there and worked on this cute little cross-stitch piece I'm making. (when it's done, I'll post a picture of it.. hopefully) Mummy dearest was in a strange mood today, she picked fights with me all day, and then said that we're (the both of us) are going out to dinner. I think she was super bitchy because it's Diana's off day and that's who she usually fights with. Over dinner, we actually got along and covered a few topics, but blah, right now I'm helping Ummi with her school work, so I can't really type too much. I kind of miss doing school work... sort of. It's pathetic though; this is the most entertaining thing I've done all day. Erm, and yes, there's something that also came up at dinner... which I want to talk to Brian about first, before I write about it, because he'll just freak out. And I've got to go back to helping Ummi now. <33 toodles. ( 2 ) deep dark secrets revealed  unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Friday, March 19, 2004 @ 05:04am Entry no.447 I have.. a fucking headache. ||   emotion entertainment   argh   || Brian and I are having more and more fights / arguments / whatever, and it's driving me up the wall, because he, more or less, is taking the passive aggressive stance as usual. Fuck, I don't WANT to be analytical about a goddamned fight! I've come to the conclusion that we're one of those couples who function better in real life, rather than on the phone. We should just stop talking to each other on the phone entirely, because it leads to nothing except MORE headaches and fights. I can handle the relationship just fine, just whenever we talk on the phone, I want to start banging my head against the closest wall to me. I never question the relationship when we're together, but when we're not, the question pops into my head from time to time. Sometimes, I think that if he's not able to handle the fact that I'll be in Jersey for a few days of the week, that we'd be better off not being together. He doesn't grasp the whole concept of me working for my mother. At my mother's, I can earn more in a few days there than working in Philadelphia for two weeks, so why wouldn't I want to work there? I brought up the possibility of working there in the summer, for Fridays and Saturdays, [because if I worked just those two days, my paycheck would be around 400 dollars] and I wound up being made feel so guilty, I dropped it almost immediately. I wonder, would being with someone older, more mature, give me this much grief? I went to Jersey last summer, when I was in a relationship with Carl, and he was fine with it. No grief, no guilt, he supported me. He wasn't happy with it, but he supported my decision. AND I was living up there, I didn't go back and forth every weekend like I'm doing now. **[note// the relationship didn't end because he couldn't deal, it ended because of several reasons, one of which being I was the one who couldn't deal. // end note] So, is it an age thing? Was I just asking for this when I agreed to go out with a guy younger than I am? Ha, as I'm writing this up, I can already feel the "fight" that'll arise because of it. Well, fuck it. I don't care. I hate having to censor myself because I'm afraid of who'll it hurt. If I were to count up how many entries I typed up, but wound up deleting, then well, I'd have a lot. (that wasn't very well thought out) I give up on trying to be nice. I'm always fucking nice, and setting my own feelings aside for others. ((bangs head against keyboard)) q[3975jknfdjlbadsfh['ghjknasfj;hfdsgjnfds I give up. unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Thursday, March 18, 2004 @ 10:03am Entry no.446 4 months ||   emotion entertainment    weird   || ||   emotion entertainment   Frankee // F*** you right back   || Another anniversary comes and goes, and as per usual, we spend it on South Street. I'm such the dope though. I went and bought a tshirt, which said Your relgion sucks but somehow wound up throwing it out accidently on the way home. Oops. I'll just ask Brian to pick me up another or something, because his girlfriend's an idiot. I want to wear it to anatongize his grandmother, who I never met. He says I should wear it when we go watch "The Passion". I'm a bit hesitant about that one though. Blah! I swear, I'm getting more and more goofy because I'm starting to forget the silliest thing.. like rinsing the conditioner out of my hair before I get out the shower. I'm starting on that whole mess again. I wonder what else I'll be screwing up in the future. Hm, I think we were bad customers today, when we went out to eat. We had a server who basically ignored us, and we said something to the hostess. But then she got the manager, and yeah.. we feel bad now. I kind of don't want to go back to TGI Friday's next weekend after Brian's performance, because that'll suck. We'll show up and find out that we've been blacklisted. Good stuff. We saw Gabbie and unknown asian guy several times. Brian's debating on whether or not to say anything. I say no, because it's unneccessary pain.. he feels an obligation. We'll see how this turns out. What else is new? I registered for classes. ((Boo)) and finally got my act together to at least get my permit. ((yay)) Let's see what else I can accomplish during my few days in Philly. Well, I'm going to go watch movies now, and pig out on junk food. <33 toodles. [note] ((chuckles)) Today at Starbucks, I wound up ordering a tall, raspberry, soy, white chocolate mocha. I didn't even realize I ordered the exact thing that I've been wanting to for ages til I actually sipped it. I'm weird sometimes. Next time, it'll be a half-caf grande, valencia, extra hot breve, white chocolate mocha. I live to torture the Starbucks people. unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Wednesday, March 17, 2004 @ 12:20am Entry no.445 ((yawns)) ||   emotion entertainment   knackered   || ||   emotion entertainment   This Love .. Maroon 5   || I'm back in Philadelphia for the week. This'll be pretty boring, since there's not much to do here, except see Brian and watch movies that I just bought. Well, the movies that Diana just bought. It's times like tonight that really make me wonder about my sister. We have one of those love/hate relationships. She'll scream at me, I'll scream at her; we HATE each other, can't stand each other, but goddamnit, if anyone even tries to break up our fight, by siding with the other sister, the one that's being defended will snap at said person. And then my sister and I resolve the fight when my little sister comes to me an hour late, quiet, but whining about she's hungry and will I cook something for her. Fight over. But tonight, for some strange reason she told me that she'd cover the cost for the six DVDs that I picked out. Not so strange, but with my sister and I,.. she's notorious stingy. She won't pay for anything, including her own food when we're at work, so I always foot the bill. If she buys anything for me, she expects the money back, no matter if it's just a dollar, she better get it back. But anyways, I get the counter, with my videos, and she's like, I'll pay for it. I questioned it... "que?" and the silly bint yells at me because I asked her why? Such the weirdo. What else is new? Nothing. Damn. Oh well. I might as well go to sleep because I'm *supposedly* booked up tomorrow. <33 toodles. Brian- If you're reading this... update your damned journal already! unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Monday, March 08, 2004 @ 12:08am Entry no.444 Jersey ||   emotion entertainment    tired   || ||   emotion entertainment   Mythbusters   || Blah blah blah. I'm bored. There's nothing to do. I'm in Jersey. It's very boring over here. After work, there's nothing to do but eat and read. Read and eat. Eat and read. That's ALL I do here. I'm going to get fat. Thank goodness that I'm only eating nothing but veggies and nectarines, as my pigging out food anyway. Mmm.... veggies. That's one reason why I could never go on that darn Atkins diet; whenever I eat more meat than veggies, I feel it in my skin, as weird as that sounds. I can just feel the smell of meat oozing out of my pores, and it makes me nauseous. Strange, huh? But, yes, I've been sneaking sweets. It's funny that I was doing better on my diet in Philadelphia than I am here, because in Jersey, there's nothing but healthy food for me to play with, and I go out and buy sweets. I just hope that I actually wind up losing weight before the summer starts. My short term goal is 15 pounds and the long term is 40 pounds. Everyone who hears that I want to lose that much weight thinks that I'm nuts, because 40 pds? That's a lot, but what they don't realize is that I actually weigh more than I look, but just carry it well. Let's see, I think I can do the short term goal, provided that I stop cheating. Anyways, Dee's being such a wench; I realize that it's her laptop, so I'll ask before I use it. But she's in a pissy mood, which is never a surprise, so I just give up, and go to bed. An hour later, she starts screaming at me to wake up and "use the fucking computer, or I won't let you use it". What the f.... She wakes me up for that? Weirdo. Then she flips out at me, because I yelled at her for waking me up for something as stupid as that. The baby's so cute though. It's so great to tease him because he's a spoiled little brat, and afraid of everything. Mummy dearest usually yells at Dee and I because we torture the little fattie, but my stepfather just seems to think it's funny and eggs us on. I'm still debating on whether or not I want to work here on a part-time basis. I'll find out when Mummy dearest comes back home, and I'll see if our relationship is functional or not. I'm already thinking that I'll just go back to Philadelphia though. I know my mother. She's like Dee, but 50 times worse. Oww... my body's still aching, so I'm going to go lie down. <33 toodles. unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Tuesday, March 02, 2004 @ 01:36am Entry no.443 Note to self: NEVER DRINK AGAIN ||   emotion entertainment    sick   || ||   emotion entertainment   Everything .. Fefe Dobson   || I should have listened to Brian when he said going to a party thrown by the Mummer's were a bad idea. I didn't though. And now I'm paying for it, big time. I didn't get to have the usual hangover to contend with after a night of drinking. No, my stupid ass is walking away from that party with a messed up hip, bruised ribs, possibly a concussion, loss of 50 bucks and to top it all off.... ALCOHOL POISONING! I was vomiting uncontrollably for 9 hours straight. I couldn't keep anything down... including water. Dehydration, here I come! Fuck, I just read some of the effects of it. Great, maybe my more than usual ditziness isn't a concussion after all... ( effects ) I definitely was experiencing it. Gosh, I'm an idiot. If I had enough sense, I probably would have called an ambulance to haul my ass away, but alas, I knew if I *did* go to the hospital, I would never hear the end of it from mummy dearest. So, suffer throughout the night, I did. I was freezing despite the fact that I bundled up and had 2 blankets around me. Eventually, I gave up on staggering to the bathroom to puke, (there's a reason for this) and started throwing up in the trashcan in my room. I was WRECKED. And it's not like I'm proud of this. I'm more disgusted that I let this happen, especially since I dealt with it 4 years ago. Well, this cures me of drinking for a few more years. No more booze for me. Nuh uh. None. Anyway, all I can remember of that night was that I kept slamming shot after shot of booze, then chugging beer, and going back to the bar to get more drinks, all within a 20 minute span. I was gone. I should have knew better, but I had a drinking buddy. In fact, I had several. Bad. And, I was wearing an itsy bitsy skirt and knee-high boots. Dolly had to keep the guys off of me, and me off the guys. [note // I'm not a bad girlfriend, just really friendly, and like being held //end note] The rest of the night at the party's a bit of a blur. Actually, a lot of that night's a blur. I can hardly remember anything at all that happened that night, and I'm relying on my friends accounts so I can get an idea of how much of a wreck I was. So, yes, the reason why I stopped staggering to the bathroom. According to Brian, who I was on the phone with, when he told me to go drink some water from the sink, I got up, into the bathroom, and proceeded to fall into the bathtub, which would probably account for my messed up hip and the concussion (which I haven't gotten checked out). I got out of there, and was concerned that I broke a nail, but he definitely told me afterwards when I was sober that I told him that I hit my head and it hurt. Not good. Not good at all, especially since then, I've been having memory lapses. Well, I guess I should check out the symptoms of these things, and see if I *should* go to the doctors. Blah, I have more entries to change back into public posts, so I'll end this pathetic posting now. unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Friday, February 27, 2004 @ 03:19am Entry no.442 Just rambling yet again ||   emotion entertainment    bored   || ||   emotion entertainment   Atlantis .. Ace of Base   || Thank goodness for Kenny, who managed to pick me up on his radar, and explain to Brian the problem with manic depressive / bipolar people. He basically said everything I said in the past to Brian, but probably in a more detailed way, which made him realize things. I should be mad that it took a friend to get him to see things in perspective, but ya know what? It saved me a bunch of aggravation, and he's even working on his neediness, whininess, blah blah blah. This turned to be in my favor. Yay. Kenny's special to me now Uhm... and I just made some of my entries public again.. and I just realized that I've kissed a lot of boys in my life. And when I say a lot, I mean just that, a lot. I mean, I've had friends ask me if there was anyone left in the city who hadn't had my tongue in their mouth. At the time, I laughed it off, but the more I got to thinking about it. ((sighs)) It's sad. I don't even know how many people there were. It makes me seem like such a horrible person, but, it's just kissing. Not as though I were sleeping with all of Philadelphia, but still. There are still some guys left. Mattie! <33 ((laughs)) I already told Brian about drunken hooking up and whatnot. I found loopholes. I shall take full advantage of them because he wasn't wise enough to make sure that there were no loopholes. And I won't be at fault for kissing people either. ((smiles)) Anyways, it's late, and I'm supposed to be waking up sometime around 9ish or so, so I'm going to bed. <33 toodles. unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Thursday, February 26, 2004 @ 04:36am Entry no.441 Short post... hopefully ||   emotion entertainment    thoughtful   || ||   emotion entertainment   Ready or Not // The Fugees   || Seeing as how it's 4am, I'll leave off on writing impossibly long entries about nothing at all. Latest updates... great, I've forgotten. ((ponders)) Oh yes, there was a "discussion" with Brian a few days ago. We don't have fights, we have talks. These talks, drive me fucking crazy. I'd rather have a screaming match, because goddamnit, who wants to talk their damned problems out? Not me! Give me screaming and hollering anyday. Anyways, the talk wasn't about anything good; I have doubts about the relationship, but then again, I have doubts about every relationship I've ever entered into. I mean, it's kind of hard not to, when there are no examples of healthy relationships in your life. So, maybe unwisely, I voiced some of these doubts, and then came the inevitable guilt that I felt. Yes, I know he loves me very much, but how do I know that I love him the same way back? Could it be just the love for a friend? I asked him if he really expected me to stay in a relationship with him, when my feelings for him weren't the same as his, and he actually hoped that I would. And then he proceeded to tell me, again, how much he loved me. Great, add onto the guilt. It's stuff that, that makes me unable to talk to him, and he just doesn't understand that. I haven't been able to say anything that I want to say, in any sort of medium, because I'm afraid that he'll stumble upon it and immediately think the worst of the situation. Everyone who knows me, knows that I'd rather hide things than hurt people, so that's what I've been doing. For a good long time now, and fuck it, I don't feel like it anymore. I've been sparing other peoples feelings over my sanity. Argh! And it's just things like this, the same old discussion with Brian, it makes me feel as though I'm trapped, even though I'm not. It's like I'm obligated to do things, just because I'm too afraid of hurting other people. So, I go along with it. I don't want to feel as though I'm "stuck", but with my depression coming back, there's more of these type of thoughts floating around in my brain. I don't know... these thoughts could be just the depression talking, or it could be that the depression is forcing me to deal with these repressed feelings. I just don't know, and I'm pretty sure that staying up all hours of the night isn't helping any. On another note, I'm about to just revert all my entries from friends only back to public. My life isn't that special, and I have the blurty of the exact name anyways. So it isn't as though I have too much hidden from the world. The only things that are friends only, are entries where I start bad-mouthing certain bad people. I would do it tonight, but my computer smells funny, which means the burn-out is soon to come. It's time for me to get some sleep; tomorrow'll be the first day I see him after our talk. Actually, it'll be the first time we really talk since "the talk". ((rolls eyes)) Fun. <33 toodles. edit Blah, boo "artists" for sampling. And the music choice was only because it was on the radio. ((sighs)) I'm an emo girly, where's the damned whiny music? unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Monday, February 23, 2004 @ 05:47am Entry no.440 I'm awake @ 5am... yet again ||   emotion entertainment    amused   || ||   emotion entertainment   No Rain .. Blind Melon   || Why do I do this to myself? Why can't I sleep at night like normal people? Oh yeah, I'm not normal. So, I tried dyeing my hair at 3am today while trying to console a friend online. Let's just say it didn't work out too well. That's putting it mildly; another way of saying that, is I got dye all over myself, the bathroom, and a few smudges on the keyboard. And it's black dye too. So, I've got spots. I look like a little dalmation. I tried getting the dye off, but only succeeded in rubbing off my skin, so I'm bright pink in places also. My two favorite colours. And my hair didn't turn out the way I wanted it, so I get to pick out a brand new colour to dye my hair, and make myself all lovely. I've also been toying with the idea of bangs, but decided that I would use wefts instead. They're bangs without the committment, because I've finally grown my bangs to the point where they're just hitting my clavicle. I've been fighting the urge to cut my hair, because every time it gets any sort of length at all, I get scissor happy, and hack it all off. I want to cut my hair so that it's a reverse angling; where's it's like shoulder length in the back and progressively gets longer in the front. I'm not sure if it'll look right, but it's a style I've been wanting to try for a while now. Ew. I have to wash my hair again, it feels disgusting. The things I do to myself. ((sighs)) I hate being a girl sometimes. Dolly and I were talking earlier... how would it have been like if we were born males, but with the same basic mentalities and personalities that we possess now? She thought that she'd be able to get so much play from girls, but then I pointed out, it's okay for us as girls to be completely candid about everything, but if we were males and said the things we said, we'd be constantly smacked. It'd still be fun to be a guy for a day though. I don't think I'd ever leave the house, because I have a new toy to play with. ((blinks)) The pen is mightier. Ha. I have entertainment now, (I'm talking to the lovely Britton), so I shall take my leave. <33 ta. unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Sunday, February 22, 2004 @ 10:37pm Entry no.439 ugh, an update. ||   emotion entertainment   troubled   || ||   emotion entertainment   .....   || So, yeah, the past few days have been interesting. Because of a little incident on Friday, Brian now knows what can happen to me when I get into that state. Needless to say, he's worried about me ten times more than before. My Uncle Ben is dying, and I need to go over to Jersey to take over looking after the business while she's in Canada. It's cancer. My grandmother had it too, but she beat it. Mummy dearest either has it, or she's fighting it, or something. She's not telling us kids anything, because she knows we worry ourselves sick about it, especially me, since I'm the irrational, emotional child. It makes me worry about what I may have in my future though. Worry quite a bit. I need to go away now. [bye] ( 1 ) deep dark secret revealed  unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Thursday, February 19, 2004 @ 05:05am Entry no.438 Another long night ahead of me where my company is good conversation and good background music ||   emotion entertainment    contemplative   || ||   emotion entertainment   Finch   || "The storm is bad tonight So how could I awake without here? Your pictures on the wall. You haven't called. But I will wait for you... ... Your picture still remains But I wonder; are you still the same?" -- Waiting for you // Finch Finch is an AWESOME band to listen to when you're talking to ex's. They're an awesome band in general, but still, anyways! I'm talking to Mister Brown once again. I miss good conversation at all hours of the night, except in this case, I wish I could help him more with his troubles. He's such a good guy, maybe one day he'll see it. It's been a weird theme lately; I've found pictures of my ex's hidden away in odd places, and I can't help but think of em. I mean, there are quite a few pictues, and when I looked at some of em, I threw em back, but some of them gave me pause. I found one of Brian P., the picture he gave me so that I'll remember him. ((sighs)) And remember him I do. The carefree innocent days back at Zeigler and Fels... how hard I wound up falling for him. First loves, how fucking painful those things are. I still remember being all depressed even way into sophomore year, because he wasn't able to come with me to one of the school dances. Wow, I even remember the exact dress I was wearing, and that Kurt had to comfort me afterwards. Seven years now... and we had that falling out because he was angered by my fickle ways. I wonder if I should just bite the bullet, and talk to him. What harm could it do? He couldn't possibly hate me anymore than what I think he does. I just want ties with the past, I hope he can understand that. As for the other picture. Britton, I found his picture while rummaging through the huge stacks of papers that hide in duffel bags under my bed. I opened the book... knowing full well, that I was going to go down memory lane. What I didn't expect was for me to just sit there, with the book in my lap, completely lost in my memories. I try to not think about the past too much when regarding him, because a part of me still cares for him deeply, and I probably would start crying if I delved too deeply in the past. But for once, I did. Just sat there, and kind of expected the wave of sadness to slam into me, but it didn't. Just bittersweet moments that replayed in my mind, which made me smile, but in a wistful way. ((sighs)) There's been too much thinking of the ex-boyfriends this time, so much so, that Brian was completely pushed out of my mind. Which brings me onto something I've been thinking about. After watching A Bronx Tale, I started to wonder, how many great loves can a person have? The movie says three, but I find that number to be a bit much, even though I've had the three; Brian P., Mattie, and Britton. I love Brian, very much... but is he a great love? The first time I got even understood how much I cared for him was when he went away on this Kiross thing, and practically the whole day came to pass without a phone call, and I found myself willing it to ring, just so I could talk to him. And when I did talk to him, I wound up in tears. I had missed him that much, even though I saw him the previous day. Before, whenever I wouldn't see him for a few days, I'd just shrug it off, but that was because I knew he'd call, no matter what. And when I didn't get my phone call, panic attack! I started to get worked out about it, and was reduced to a useless blob, rocking back and forth on the couch. Great, now I've started missing Brian. I better head this off now, before I get weepy again. <33 toodles unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Monday, February 16, 2004 @ 08:59pm Entry no.437 blah blah blah ||   emotion entertainment    happy   || ||   emotion entertainment   Law and Order: SVU   || Brian's leaving tomorrow and I won't see him for the rest of the week. ((emo-tear)) He won't be here for our anniversary, a fact that upsets him more then me, but he's taking off work on Friday, so we're going out then. I think I should bug him to ask his parents if he could just stay over my house on Friday, rather than have to come over my house all early on Saturday. Eh... nah, nevermind. It'd be more fun not to have him keeping me up all night. Other news, I got my hair in the mail today, and I'll be kept busy braiding hair to make myself pretty. The hair colors are black, baby blue, navy and violet. Pretty. What a craptastic entry this turned out, I lost interest because the show's playing in the background, and I can't pay attention. I'm leaving. <33 toodles. unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Sunday, February 15, 2004 @ 04:10am Entry no.436 Other stuff that's happened since last Saturday ||   emotion entertainment    happy   || ||   emotion entertainment   Me so horny.. or whatever that title is.   || Well, my birthday came and went. I went to Roman and saw my Precious there and we passed notes for a while. He worries me sometimes. I hope he knows I love him very, very much, and that being emo is nothing to be ashamed of. ((smiles)) After play rehearsals ended, Brian and I continued in our quest to "christen" Philly. Well, as much as we could in this type of weather. Once spring hits, and I'm able to break out the skirts, Philadelphia'll no longer be safe to roam. Mwhaha. Tuesday, I got some belated birthday loving. Brian was being dirty, which made me dirty, so I made SURE to make him dirty. I'm not going to go too much into that. Wednesday went by without much happening. Either that or my memory's going. It's the latter. I'm not really recalling the past weeks events, I'm asking other people and relying on their help to write this entry. ((blinks)) I'm not "special" really, I swear. Thursday, ... that wasn't too good a day. I was all depressed and feeling lonely. I started snapping at poor Mike, and picking fights with him when I didn't mean to at all. ((sighs)) I was talking to Britton too and he was helping too, and then my computer decided to be a fucktard and die on me. I sat around, wondering what my next step was. It was 430 in the morning. Do I call Mike? ((thinks)) I had nothing else to do, and I didn't feel like sitting around moping, so I called him, and he cheered me up a bit, made me forget whatever it was that was troubling me, but he got off the phone not too long after that. ((boos)) So, I was back to moping around and feeling sorry for myself, when I decided to sign on AIM using my cellphone ((thank goodness for me being so damned trendy)), and Britton was still awake, and we decided that I was going to call. And call I did. It was the first time I had heard his voice in 10 months. Surprisingly, he was the one who said that. It's surprising, because I'm the one with the memory of an elephant, and it's touching that he knows exactly how long it was. Now Britton definitely cheered me up. I missed talking to him so much. He's just like Dolly and Chadwick; we have one of those connections, that no matter how much time passes, there IS no awkwardness between us. We established that if we had continued to talk, we would have made great friends. He said it, "It's funny how we figure this stuff out AFTER." Hm, Britton... someone who's more similiar to me than I thought. It would have been interesting to see how our relationship would have played out after we stopped being on our best behaviour. He would have seen me all manic and all depressed... and well, I've seen some of him already. Damnit, it would have been fun to see that train wreck. Eh, I still love him though, not in love-love sense, but the person, he's still very much a part of me. Ah, it's late now... and there's no one online to talk to, so that means for extremly long winded entries, because there's nothing to deter me. Leaving now. <33 toodles. unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

[ n.a.v.i.g.a.t.i.o.n ]
|| dwelling in  the present ||
|| choose your poison  20 memories of the past ||