Blurty for melissa-anne.

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Monday, September 26th, 2005

Subject:why oh why.
Time:6:48 pm.
Mood: stressed.
Music:my dirty little secret- all american rejects..
my stars have not been shining brightly. i dunno why. but of the late. i'm on some kinda quest. maybe i'm finally like maturing or what... but i dunno. but... nowadays, i'm bent on seeking true love... true friendship... true intelligence. been wondering a hell lot of stuff. like why this... why that? youth mission is extremely tough to go through cos i'm always on the verge of breaking down. like... i must always know why. i'm now a hundered times more sensitive when things happen to me. it's like... even the slightest thing can tick me off. i've already kinda assessed most of the friends i have. and i conclude that... not many of them know me... cos they simply can't tell when sumfink's bothering me. but... i'm okay with that. i'm also not fond of many people knowing me inside out. weakness exposure. not good.

and i've also kinda learnt a long time ago... never to expect anything from people, cos at the end of the day... you just may get hurt. the only reason why people get into any kinda close relationship... be it between best friends or a boyfriend... they're in search of that one special person who'll accept them for who they are, make them feel special. that no one else in the world can make you feel. personally, i must say... that's the feeling i get when i'm with him. but sometimes... i wonder if thats the same feeling you get when i'm with you.

i mean like... how will i know if there's no affirmation? deep down inside... i dunch want anything else.. other than you. sometimes, i'd do anything just for you to tell me the words i want to hear. but i somehow dunch really hear them... but i can feel some sorta response. well that's good in a way. i'm not getting exactly what i want, but i'm getting some sort of it.

i wish someone would realise the emotional battle i go through every single day of my life. well, more so... his realisation. cos i know, he can make things right. *sighs*. i know this might sound rash and maybe i'm saying this too soon... but i sometimes feel that he's the one. out of all the boys i have dealt with in my lifetime, you're still the one i love most... i just hope you realise. i'm just sitting here... waiting for some sorta sign darling... to show me you feel the same way too.

the world is oh so fake. the irony of it all is that the 2 most fake people i know are actually building a friendship based on who can be more fake. ha. we'll see how long they can wake up every morning, put on that same fake smile, come to school and pretend to be someone they're so totally not. it sickens me, cos one, deprived of a best friend for oh so long would grab to any prospective girl that hops along while the other cannot function without a best friend to keep under her thumb. so yes. that's my theory.

sometimes, i myself feel so guilty for putting on a mask everyday. joking around, hiding my pain. very few have seen me vulnerble and i'd like to keep it that way thank you very much. i doubt i'd keep in contact with many after i graduate. sure, i'd meet up and stuff. but i'd distant myself. haha. technically, if anyone bothered to notice. i hardly maintain friendships from the past. unless they're really worth it and the other party is willing to co-operate. haha. yup. anyways, i think i'm dying from missing him... it's a fact and i know that i always miss him more and faster than he misses me. i think it may be cos i'm in a bad mood but i also dunch appreciate people poking on facts that make me. especially when i'm in a very low mood. i dunch recieve such comments with an open heart. it's the time when i need assurance and lotsa gift baskets worth of love... but so far... sometimes people are there. but of the late... no...

ah wells. i can't possibly blab anymore. i just want him to pamper me now... like i need it please. and this is not the spoilt brattish me talking. it's just me, melissa-anne... unplugged. haha. hold me in your arms and tell me everything's gnna be alright
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Wednesday, August 17th, 2005

Subject:boo hoo.
Time:7:41 pm.
Mood: crushed.
Music:black eyed peas- pump it..
she totally irritated the crap outta me today. like especially the first part of the day. cos... she is going into HYPER PSYCHO MODE! first! i swear she's bent on beating me and charry kins. which is totally not rocking our socks. rah. i mean it's like okie if you wanna tad of competition. that instinct can't be suppressed OKAY! but... to the extent you're being a total control freak? like... whoa. somebody put a stopper on that!

okays. you're really making me mad now. you know why? YOU CALL ME WHILE I WAS WORKING ON MY MASTERPIECE AND ASKED ME TO GO ONLINE SO YOU COULD SEND ME SONGS AND SO I COULD HELP YOU WITH THE SLIDE SHOW! I COME ONLINE, YOU SAY YOU'RE BUSY AND TELL ME TO WAIT. I GO FOR DINNER, I COME BACK, YOU'RE STILL BUSY AND NEXT THING I KNOW, YOU'RE OFFLINE! THANKS FOR WASTING MY TIME YOU SHITHEAD. now here i am, ranting. like fuck la. i get so worked up. here i am, still keeping my cool, being nice and you totally were like a megan number 2.

i DETEST people who do not practice what they preach. it totally irks me. like c'mon. anyways, i was just super sarcastic to her. like whatever. anyways. i'm too intoxicated with chad michael murray to be angry. can i tell you i love one tree hill? it's like the best. cos you know why? hayley and nathan are just super sweet together. well, so are lucas and brooke... but i like their couple better.

sometimes... i wish relationships could be as sweet as one tree hill, my life as peacful as laguna beach and oodles of money in da bank like the OC. but i guess god must've put me in this particular for some reason... right. ah wells. updating songs on my i pod. charry kins! the day i return you your i pod... the day i just added more songs! tsk. haha. ah wells. i can't wait for all this crap to be over. to be a free happy mel. i wanna be on an all time high.

ah whatever.
charry kins! we have ALOT of planning to do!
love ya bestie! =)
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Friday, August 12th, 2005

Time:5:42 pm.
Mood: hopeful.
Music:switchfoot- dare you to move..
aye! so i gotta c6! eeks. okay... so maybe i really dropped 2 grades from my original target... b4. but, *cough*. whatever. i passed! haha. charry-kins! you beat me! haha. but heck. i'm just singing celebrate and dancing to my tune knowing that we passed. whee hee. it's a whole lot better than the e8s and f9s i was previously getting. so anyways! YES! I CLEARED CHINESE! sorta... now onto getting distinctions for my other subs!

haha. so i gotta work really hard now. the feeling of anticipating, knowing sumfink is coming your way but you dunno what... is scary. it really like "tormented" me in a way. cos i feared the worst. i didn't wanna retake, but i'm dead serious bout getting into a jc. nothing else seems as perfect, than seeing myself in a jc uniform. prafably vj... *winks*. haha.

anyways, lup was being quite the bitch today. i mean it's like okay... fine. go to tiffy. we never cared anyways. so charry-kins! seeing that you are most probably the only one who's gonna see this... i dunch care la how she feels. well, i wunch say i'd do horrible things to her on purpose... but you know. if she's this psycho. melly-kins can't live with it.

i mean it's like she being total anti stuff. like whenever charry talks to megan... whoosh! there she goes! rolling her eyeballs away! like woooooo... and deep inside. i feel like, hey, if you're so against megan and you wanna let this hate linger, okay. just dunch be selfish and make sure everyone feels the same way as you. cos not everyone's like that.

my godd. you should've seen what she was like when we were all having a jolly good time talking about some show... hmm. okay wait. i forgot what it was. argh. stm. forgive, haha. anyways. yeaps. then she just came in and BUTT in, askingif anyone watched the OC just to comment bout marissa's pixie like dress. and like... okaaay. whatever. only tiffy really replied. the woman's too kind.

so yea. lately lup's been getting on my nerves. i dunno la. maybe cos she offended me a tad with dennis... and everyone knows i love my darling! haha, yea. basically is that... she's always had megan, and me and charry. so it's like when you try to fit a cirlce with a square... it's kinda hard. first of all, she doesn't quite get the world me and char live in and how our best friendship works. it's different from hers and megan's. so it gets to me when she tries to make me or rather us, second megans.

cos we're not... like hello... that is why she's trying to stick to wiffs. but lemme add that me and char char are still being and trying to be nice to her. despite the way she treats us. acting as though we owe her and he always have to do what she plans. did i hear someone say tyrant? haha. seems as though we live in a facist state. wiffy's just too nice la. i'm sure she'll put up with all the crap lup throws her way. haha. besides, i kinda seek adrenaline in lying and running away from her. excitement served up large please!

so yea. today was my english orals. i guess it's okay. but considering the fact that i was one fo the last few, the examiners were like CHOP CHOP with everything. they hardly asked anything. and i screwed up the last conversation question. nerves kinda got to me... this contributes to my A score... so yea. checked darling's blog, he's now successfully deleted all the blogs. old and older. whatever. but i'm glad. whee hee.

no now. i am filled with hope. I WANT TO ACHIEVE! i've been through my cca... painstakingly. you wanna know the truth? dancing's NOT my passion. even though i took it up when i was three. and up til this year, i'm still dancing. i mean sure, yea, whatever, dance a lil. okay, mel can do. but as a passion... never. maybe nobody's realised... but what I, MOI, really really really wanna do... is design. i just wanna do fashion design. i regret when i didn't do my AEP at ijtp. designing is really what i like. sumfink i've been doing sice i was like... god knows how old. i never went for classes cos nobody supported me... but still up to today, i still pursue this interest!

so yea. i'm gonna do a plan for what me and charry-kins are gonna do after the O's. including sumfink that brings in the dough! we can't be complete bums char! no matter HOW APPEALING it may seem. haha. oh yea. i wonder how lup feels to me and char planning. well... we would've included her if she actually bothered to ask what we were doing in the first place and not run off to other people. maybe lup doesn't like us now cos we're okay wth megs. hmm. ah wells. she should bother. humph!

alrights. i guess that's all. charry-kins... maybe you should consider asking her to sleepover. she doesn't seem to need us unless she's in a dire state. cos i can bet you brownie that she doesn't treat us like besties. she specifically said it today, when she came to us saying 'hello, my friends,' note! she always calls us besties! til today! ah wells. it's her loss. haha. just think through. that's all.

like whatever.
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Thursday, August 4th, 2005

Subject:if only knew, how much i love you.
Time:12:11 pm.
Mood: disappointed.
Music:mariah carey- we belong together.
thanks for deleting our memories,well, everything about me that is. now i can finally see how much it meant to you. everything we went through. you keep hers and not mine? thanks alot. i feel so loved now. fuck. does it matter anyways? hmm.

i went. i saw. i checked. it was gone. is it that bad you want nothing to remember us by? i'm so hurt, i feel so sad and hurt. thanks. i soooo... feel the love. how could you. you can sure keep memories of her... and none of me... *sighs*. i dunno la. now it's gone... what can i do. i wish i could go back to a time it was just you and me. i'm so stoopid. i never say the things i want to say. resulting in me never getting what i want. sometimes i'm just so damn frustrated... like fuck la. here i am... like the world's biggest moron... waiting. maybe i should make another bet with charlotte and linette... betcha i'd lose... AGAIN. like how i lost last week. i guess... he didn't miss me anough to ask me out again huh? even though we only saw each other for like a few minutes on monday... nvms... i'll just live with that. i'm broken inside. i hate it how i feel as though i dunno what's going on. and i hint so much too. sometimes i feel that i'm just so alone... as i type... i'm crying so badly deep down inside. i love you so much... if you only knew... plus i'm missing you so bad... it's madness. i dunch want to initiate anything... so here i am... waiting. just for you. like a moron i am... i should be on oprah... ha. ah wells. if only you'd realise sooner. sometimes, i wonder if you love me as much as i love you... *sob sob*... i can't bear to type anymore. my heart is breaking into pieces.

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Blurty for melissa-anne.

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You're looking at the latest 4 entries.