Kat's Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
Kat

[ website | Jaguar ]
[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

[21 Mar 2003|11:30pm]
Testing out a new layout. Trying to find out how to make all of the entires alligned right... Without me having to put in the code myself. Watching the Drew Carey Show. So great. Tim Allen stuck in a tree. "HEY I got Tim Allen's Cell Phone. Let's see who he's got on speed dial!"
2 Dead Summoners | Summon the Final Aeon

[21 Mar 2003|10:25pm]
[ mood | distressed ]

Oooh.

He has my heart in knots...

So many knots.

And my stomach too.

And he's gone.

I want to die.

Summon the Final Aeon

[10 Mar 2003|09:30pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

My head hurts so much. I love him so much. I can't be without him. But I can't ever have him. Ever. There have only been a handful of guys who have made me feel this way. Only three who have made me cry like this. I want him to be happy. He's not. I want to hug him and kiss him and all of that. I'm too scared to. What if it hurts him too much, what if he's thinking about her and he wants me to be her, so it hurts him in that way? I want him to understand. He's the only one I treat this way... I get so choked up. I am now. I want him. I want him. I want him so much, I want it to be like before. It's so gone, so far gone. And it's never coming back. He wants to kill himself now, and all I can do is make it worse for him? Does he know that I'd die for him anyday? That I feel like dying myself when he's around and sad? Does he know that everytime he's... Well, he's done nothing. Everytime I have felt ignored, yes, ignored. I want to cry and die? It's only him. Just for him. I just don't give a shit about anyone else. The entire world could ignore me and I wouldn't give a fuck... But just him, just him. Please.

I've always hated that weakness in me. I want to belong. I want to feel needed. But I really don't. Just by him. I think it's sick how people whine and beg. But I can't help it. Just this one time. I'll only whine and beg this one time. I love him so much. My face feels so hot. The bottom of my stomach has dropped out. Cheeks burn so much. Make them stop. It just feels so heavy. I'm sick all over. I can't get him out of my head...

Out of my system. I want to lay in bed and cry over him. I want to lay in bed and imagaine being with him again. I wake up, wondering if I'll see him.

I'm over that Ryan guy. So over. But I've tripped and fallen again... Except this time the stairs that I have fallen down are not carpeted with nice lies. They're cement and edged with the truth. I can't take it. I want to die. I don't want to make anyone sad when I kill myself. Maybe I'll make everyone hate me. Maybe I'll bring others down with me. No. Hurt too many others.

I want to be alone with just him... But he wont be happy. I CAN'T WRAP MY MIND AROUND THIS I CAN'T FUCKING GET OUT. I'm so stuck. Unmoving. For nearly two years I've had feelings for him...

And when he had feelings for me...

But somehow we couldn't admit this... My chin's shaking, stop.

Please, let me be with him again. Let this one story end happy... SHIT. It wont be happy for him. Just for me. I'm so fucking selfish. I hate you, I hate you, I fucking hate myself.

Breathe. I have to move on. Someone, anyone... Help, I'm drowning. I guess I don't want to die... if I see hope. But there's no light at the end of the tunnel.

My friends... All in CGS now. Everyone else leaves me behind. I'm so scared. Going back to regular school. Soon to be starting my new life... Away from high school. I'm so scared. I'm so scared. They don't like me anymore. They don't talk to me anymore. They will be nice and friendly, but I have to start... With CGS gone, everything's gone. I haven't had a boyfriend in over a year. I feel so alone. I just want that one person. I'm just SUCH A FUCKING LOSER.

My head hurts. The goddamn squeezing inside my brain. Stress is too much. Stress is too much. I gotta keep busy. Nothing entertains. Jim and Ten are fighting again. I don't want to watch it.

Oh, it hurts so much... Stomach upset. Head squeezing and throbbing. Legs and arms going numb. Can't even feel my fingers anymore. My eyes burn, my face is hot. I'm so hungry. I don't want to eat every again.

What's wrong with me? Why do I have to be this way?

What the fuck, I'm such a whining loser. I can't stop. I can't ask for help. Everyone else needs help. WHAT THE FUCK MAKES ME SO DAMN SPECIAL THAT SOMEONE SHOULD FUCKING HELP ME, A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT? Oh, they care. WELL THEY HAVE OTHER FUCKING PEOPLE TO CARE ABOUT. I'm not worth the time.

Summon the Final Aeon

Long entry. Sorry. [10 Feb 2003|09:28pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]
[ music | Fox 5 News @ 10 ]

Everything is shit. I hate this.

The day started bad. The day ended bad.

First of all, it may have snowed three inches today, this morning, stuck to the roads, and everything. We're not out. I watched it snow. All day. It sucked. It fucking sucked (Therefore, it "fucked"). So, I had to live through that. Then.

Maggie and I went down to the auditorium to look at the costumes for the play we're putting on for the British people next Tuesday. We're walking back and... Welll...

Maggie: So, are you going to the prom?
Me: - Since it's school-time during Drama, I'm pretty agressive. - No.
Maggie: Don't have a date?
Me: I don't want to go.
Maggie: You know...
Me: ...
Maggie: I could always take you...
Me: WHAT THE FUCK. - Runs all the way to drama. -

So she comes in. I'm hiding behind Josh. She comes in saying that she's kidding. I still hide behind Josh (Papa Smurf). I don't believe her and keep giving her my "What the fucking fuck is the fuck wrong with you?" She keeps telling me that she was kidding and has no sexual preference. That she didn't like girls or guys like that in that way.

So, anyway. The bell rings. I'm picking up my backpack (Government day, heavy backpack). She looks back at me.

Maggie: But I am bi...
Me: HOLY SHIT - Runs out the door. -

So, I have been scarred for life. This is the same girl who at Karen's party last Halloween, when I didn't know her... Tucked me into Karen's bed after I had passed out and kissed me on the cheek. I know because I woke up, twitching, from it. I am so disturbed. So disturbed.

But that's only the tip of the fucking iceberg, right? Right.

I had a really shitty nightmare last night. It's hard to explain. But everything was normal. There were no big shifts like in most dreams. And everything was so perfectly clear. Only one single part of the dream slips my memory.

My dad asked me to put the dog inside. He wasn't barking like he usually does, so that's odd. The sun was setting. I walked downstairs. There was another dog already locked into Star's pen. I was scared. I screamed, twice. No good reason, to. This dog was identical to my Star. His ears even flopped down like his. But I could tell by the general, call it aura? That this dog was bad news. I also noticed that his nostrils looked evil (Don't ask about that, before I went to bed and had this nightmare, I was working on my year-long project and the last thing I was going over was how to change the shape of the nose). He just looked so damn evil. I opened the pen door. I don't know why. This is what I can't really remember. I don't think the dog said something to me. But I have a feeling it gave me a warning. And it started to shove against my legs. Pushing me. I walked outside on my own, though. Star came running inside of the garage. The dogs circled each other. This is when I noticed part of Star's side ripped out. Only a small bit. And I noticed that the other demon dog's legs were pretty badly gashed up. The demon dog left. I turned to Star, hugged him like I do all the time, kissed him on the wounded nose (only a small, pink cut) and started to lead him inside.

I woke up then. On my side. Facing the left side of my bed. I fall asleep on the right side of my bed. I always wake up facing the right side of my bed. Only when I wake up this way I know that my dream was scary.

But the dream did scare me. To death. Good thing I work up at about 5:25.

And and and.

Fuck you. Just fuck you. You know who you fucking are. I can't stand this shit. Anymore.

Any of it.

The bottom of my stomach dropped out.

And and and.

Shut up! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I HATE EVERYONE WHY WON'T THEY ALL DIE JUST SHUT UP AND DIE NO ONE IS WORTH MY TIME AND I AM NOT WORTH ANYONE ELSE'S TIME FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU YOU ARE SUCH A SLUT SUCH A SLUT I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HAVE NOTHING AND YET YOU FIND SOME FUCKING WAY TO TAKE IT ALL? WHAT THE FUCK?! FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!!!!!!! I HATE EVERYTHING I HATE EVERYONE I HATE EVERYTHING I HATE EVERYONE I HATE EVERYTHING I HATE EVERYONE I HATE EVERYTHING I HATE EVERYONE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE THE WORLD IS SHIT WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE?! THEY ARE ALL SO STUPID SO TRIVIAL SO

So cramped. It feels horrible inside. Why why why why why why why. I hate it all.

Had to wait. At the doctor's office. For two and a half hours. Waiting. Just so I could meet the new doctor (He's very nice) and so he could sign a sheet that said I could go get my blood tests. Starting with that shit again. God. At least I now enjoy the feel of a needle. I really do. If I don't feel it at least every two weeks now, I kinda feel lost. Hm.

I hope the roads ice over. It's pretty icy outside. Poor Star fell a lot going up the ice-covered stairs when I was bringing in the water my bought. I can never get enough water.

At the doctor's office, my mom came. She had a question for him. Since she doesn't have her spleen, she has a "Compromised Immune System" so she asking if she should get the small pox vaccine or not. He didn't know. =/ Fairfax County Schools are making all of their teachers get it. Kendra did a report on that. Her year-long project (Culminating Activity) on the risk of that. =/ It's low. Very low.

Last topic of rant. Finished the project. For English. .gif movie. Starring Arrrnold, Austin Powers, Dr. Evil, the cast of the exorcist and Brad Dourif both from Child's Play and LotR: TTT. Wow.

One last thing. Dell guy. Busted for pot. Oh yeah. Shabing.

Dell Dude Busted For Pot Possesion - AOL inserted a picture of him doing a double thumbs-up. -

NEW YORK (Feb. 10) - Dude! The actor who gained fame and a cult following as the slacker "Steven" in commercials for Dell computers was arrested buying a small bag of marijuana, police said.

Benjamin Curtis, a 22-year-old New York University drama student, awaited arraignment Monday on a misdemeanor drug possession charge.

Police said he was arrested Sunday night on the Lower East Side after officers on a drug detail spotted him buying a small bag of marijuana from Omar Mendez, 19. Mendez faces drug sale and possession charges.

Curtis' agent, Bonnie Shumofsky, had no immediate comment on the arrest.

Curtis' portrayal of a surfer type who proclaims, "Dude, yer gettin' a Dell!" drove up computer sales and spawned T-shirts, caps, and backpacks, along with Web sites and online fan clubs.

2 Dead Summoners | Summon the Final Aeon

[09 Feb 2003|09:20pm]

It feels kinda good. None of my LJ or DJ friends know about this thing. And the only people that would see it, I don't really know or care what they think of me.

I couldn't stand it anymore. I had to censor my own life on my LJ / DJ. Made me so mad. All of those times I wanted to write about the crap I felt like, I knew that my IRL friends would see it. And I don't want to be bothered with "I hope you feel better" and all that shit. I can't stand that. I can't take that. Everyone has the same problems, why does one person deserve to be told that it's going to be all right? It's not. My god, I hate everyone.

Sometimes, I feel like my insides are shaking. Everything runs cold. And I know it happens to everyone else all the time. I don't get it! I just don't fucking get it. I hate everyone. Everything. I hate being sad. I hate other people being sad and complaining about it because I'm no goddamn better than they are.

And I hate people that complain. I mean, I can take people doing it. I will even feel sorry for some people. But the ones who abuse everyone else. The ones who will just randomly bring up "And I threw up all of my food again today." If you're saying something like that, you want help. Why don't you just fucking ask for help or keep the whole goddamn thing quiet. Sure, sure. It might be hard to ask for help. Get over it. The pleading in the "I'm so poor, help" every five fucking seconds! The girls (mostly) who whine. All the time. You bother you with their problems all the time.

Let me correct myself.

The girls who bother everyone with their problems, all the time. Who just abuse the fact that once someone was nice and cared. And then yell at you and call you the fucking scum of the earth when they can't take you anymore. The ones who take a listening ear for granted.

And the people that pamper them. Let them talk their ear off. Some are good natured. Others don't want to see her get her feelings hurt. She'll never learn. Thank god I only know two of these people. But the fact that they exist disgust me.

Hm.

Crying sucks. It's so twisted. And weak. But it happens. I hate it. Over the smallest thing. How come the smallest things mean so goddamn much?

I am so angry. At everything and everyone. And at myself for being so weak. I hate humans. And this is how it's going to be always.

I don't want to kill myself because I'm sad. I want to kill myself because this world is disgusting.

I hate how heavy it feels. What the fuck is pulling my insides down with my mood. Don't leave me again. Ever.

Summon the Final Aeon

Mm. [09 Feb 2003|04:14pm]
[ mood | full ]
[ music | "Back to School" - Deftones ]

Woo, I'm really full. Dad and I went to Top's Chinese Food buffet. I'm stuffed. And we got a movie for Mom, "Sweet Home Alabama." Hope she likes it. Dad threatened to bring home "The Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" movie and make mom watch it ten times over. XD

Now, this is my first entry in this thing (Blurty's fast, vroom, vroom!) and I'm putting it on my pointless webcam site thing (Major pimping of me, yay!).

I'm thinking of naming my guitar picks. <3 Aubrey. :D

Summon the Final Aeon

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]