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Trudy Lynn

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Ok, so I lived through Christmas. Now what..... [30 Dec 2002|01:27am]
Christmas is over. Things are getting back to the normal day to day. Which isn't necessarily a good thing. I've got New Year's Eve to look forward to. I hope it turns out to be a good night.

Last year, I dubbed 2002 as "The Year Of Change". It was going to be the year when I got my life together. That didn't happen. The only changes, were mostly bad ones. My life didn't become more "put together" but fell apart worse than it was before. Grammaw died. That was the worst thing that happened this year. A close second to that was Karen losing another baby. I'm really not sure what the best thing was that happened this year. I guess me starting to go to the bar and stuff. Its sad that going to the bar regularly would be considered the best thing to happen to me in 2002.

Should I call 2003 "The Year of Change" or should I come up with something else. Hmmmm... I'm hoping by the end of this year, my life will be a whole lot better than it is right now. A previous entry sort of listed some things that were my new year's resolutions, but I think I'll do it again.

Nearly falling asleep at the keyboard...
To be continued....
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CHRISTMAS SUCKS!!!!!!! [25 Dec 2002|09:29pm]

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Blah.. [25 Dec 2002|09:03pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | none ]

Well, its after midnight. Christmas is officially over for another year. I am glad. It hasn't been a good year, and it hasn't been a good Christmas. I'm ready for both to be over.

I went to Mark's Gram's house last night for a while. About two minutes after my arrival, if that long, his parents and brother announced they were leaving. I didn't look at them, didn't even glance at them. They said nothing to me. I was glad they left, but was still really stressed. I was glad to get out of there. I was so relieved when we left, and thought "I can't wait to go to Dad's and spend all day tomorrow. NOW its Christmas.." Dad's was sort of stressful too. Mark sat and pouted and said things to make me mad. My brother and his wife and baby came in. It was nice to see them, but I feel so inferior around them. They have their own little perfect life. Being around them just sort of reminds me how screwed up my life is. Dad and Mae liked their gifts. Mark is still jealous because I bought a gun for dad that he had been wanting. Dad sort of disappointed me too, because he said, "this is the most expensive gift anyone has gotten for me." Why does it always have to do with the dollar value of something?.......He'd went on and on about that gun, and it was hard to find. I managed to get my hands on one and thought he'd flip out over having it. He was excited, but the way he said that was weird. I don't know.. maybe its just me.

Tonight I'm feeling down and blah. I don't know what to do with my life. I thought after Christmas was over, things would be ok for a while, but nothing has changed with me and Mark. There are times when I feel all powerful and it doesn't bother me to think about leaving. Then there are times, like tonight, when I'm scared and so doubtful that I can survive no matter what I do. I have heard that suicide rates are higher around Christmas time. I believe that completely.

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[22 Dec 2002|09:47pm]
[ mood | nauseated ]
[ music | none... ]

Last night we went to Beander's for a while. They were supposed to be having a beach party type thing, but it was pretty boring. Got to see Bunji in a grass skirt though.. hehe. R.A. was there, and Mark and his weirdo friend. We walked to the Starting Line after about an hour at Beander's. I talked to a very interesting guy there, thinking his name is Don. He had longish hair...was the redneck type. He knew RA and Mark, so he hung around. He was nice and included me into the conversation. Pretty soon, Mark had wandered off, and that left RA, me, Carla, and Don. Poor Carla couldn't come down until she got off work about 1230. Don and I talked about whatever. Mark later accused me of talking to him too much. Mark is a jerk. I didn't see the Mike "long haired guy". I met "Bubba #3". His name is Bob. Bob asked me if I was 'partying tonight'... I replied that I was and he agreed that he was as well. Thats about the extent of that conversation. RA was really cute last night. I wish him and Carla would hook up. I know this entry is stupid and not interesting to anyone other than myself, but oh well.....thought I'd just keep it as a personal record anyway. Don lives in Bowden. He said he can fall asleep listening to the river by his house. That cause a flutter in me. He seems like a super nice guy. He talked about paying child support, so I know he has kids. He turned out to be the guy who almost got into a fight with the big dark haired lesbian weekend before last. (long Also saw and sort of talked to the girl who was married to the "spice shop guy".. From what I gathered from the conversation, they are no longer together. They have three or four kids. I thought that was kind of sad. He seems to be a real nice guy. He lost well over 100 lbs in the last couple of years. He had that surgery done, gastric bypass or whatever its called.

I'm dreading Christmas. Mark still expects me to go to his gram's on Christmas Eve. I don't want to go at all, but offered to go when the rest of the family wasn't there. He wouldn't hear of that. I feel so stressed about it. Have felt crappy and sick today anyway. Had the headache from hell today up until about 800 tonight. Guess it was my punishment for having too much fun last night.

One bad thing about last night... R.Harlan got pretty wasted, hit two parked cars totaled them, and also totalled his own. I feel really bad about that. I used to have a thing for him, not that he ever knew I even existed. I heard he was in jail. I bet he can kiss his license goodbye for a while. He's been caught before. He was with a bunch of other guys last night. Wish they wouldn't have let him drive.

Guess thats about it...nothing special to tell. Have a good xmas all.. :)

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...Letter to Myself... [18 Dec 2002|08:19pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | nothin'.... ]

When I was about 13 or so, I wrote a 'letter to myself'. I put it in my dresser, dated to be opened exactly one year later. The whole idea was to see how much my life had changed within that year. As a 13 year old, my life didn't have a whole lot of ingredients just yet, but I think I included "I chew my nails. I'm overweight. I don't like my hair." I remember it being written on pink construction paper. Its been 13 years ago, and it was childish - but I like the idea, and think I'll do an adult version of it. This entry will be a letter to myself (or a sort of new years resolution list) which I will read on December 18, 2003. I'm hoping my life will change alot within those 365 days.

As of now, I weigh 241 lbs. I chew my nails. I don't like my hair. (maybe I should have just kept the letter from when I was 13, haha...) Within the next year, I hope to gain control of my weight. I want to lose at the very least, 25 lbs in 2003. That goal may seem low for some people, but to me it is Mt. Everest. If I reach that goal, and lose even more... hurray for me!

I hope to like myself better in 2003. I would like to reorganize my life. I want to divorce my husband, be awarded with my maiden name, and become a more stable, independent adult. I am broke all the time. By the end of 2003, I would like to have a savings account. I will have control over my finances. (Trudy-husband=savings account.....) How exciting this sounds to me now. I will no longer have an adult sized nine year old male ruling over me.

I think I'd like a new job. Maybe that will be the step after the divorce. Divorce will certainly be the first step into a whole new life. I have to get out of the mud hole before I can start cleaning off the mud. A job hunt will ensue and I'll see what I can turn up.

I want to be single, and enjoy it for a while. I've never had "my" life. I've never been on my own. I know it won't be easy and won't be all hearts and flowers, but whats mine will be mine and I will have control of it. It will my MY life.

I don't keep in touch with my brother and sisters enough. I really need to work on that. And I need to work on my relationship with my dad. I want everybody I love to know that I love them.

As far as men go.... After the divorce, if I meet someone nice, I will take it slow. I mean, snail's pace. I will probably need to remind myself to do this...alot... lol If I happen to meet someone, that is. Maybe I will be alone. That would be ok by me though. I just want peace.

I'm not sure my tired brain created this entry exactly like I wanted it, but....there it is.

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I'm a sucker for quote collections... [17 Dec 2002|10:54pm]
"An affair now and then is good for a marriage. It adds spice, stops it from getting boring... I ought to know." ~~Bette Davis

"I think I'll have a large order of prognosis negative." ~~Bette Davis

"Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough." ~~Mark Twain

"It is easier to stay out than get out." ~~Mark Twain

"You have never really been drunk until you can't lie on the floor without holding on." ~~Dean Martin
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Bette Davis....a wise woman...hehe [17 Dec 2002|10:29pm]
[ mood | determined ]
[ music | shhhh.. its quiet.. I like it.... :) ]

"I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year." ~~Bette Davis~~

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A whole lotta thinkin' goin' on... [14 Dec 2002|12:25am]
[ mood | listless ]
[ music | none.. im grateful for the silence.. ]

I'm sitting here thinking about how big of a waste my life has been. (Thats a great way to start out this journal entry! I'm sure you are hooked already, and very eager to continue reading my lovely journal of depression... )

My life in a nutshell.....

I was born April 17th, 1976. My life was nothing but the kid/school type thing until I was 15. My mom died of cancer then and my whole world as I had known it up to that point just dissolved. I hadn't dealt with death until then. Well, I sort of did when I was 12. My gram on my dad's side died on my birthday that year. It was the first time I saw a dead body. I cried, sobbed....bawled. I remember dad giving me his hanky and mom saying she was sorry and she should have prepared me better for it. I remember dad asking me if I wanted to go sit in the car. I was probably an embarassment to them. lol I didn't know my dad's mom that well since we lived in different states, but we visisted her in the nursing home where she stayed. Sometimes she knew us, sometimes she didn't. I remember feeling sad for her. My grampa on my mom's side died when I was three. I never got the chance to know him and really didn't understand things when he died.

So, when mom died...things just totally changed. I was in tenth grade. Two months shy of being 16 years old. My dad started drinking alot. He stayed gone alot. I was the last kid left at home. I thought I knew alot that I didn't. Started seeing Mark. Got into some things I shouldn't have gotten into at that age. Some bad things happened. I won't mention them here. I don't care to dwell on them anymore than I already do.

I wasted my way through highschool, failing several classes when, up until the point when mom died, I was an A student. I went to college because it was expected of me and dad said that mom told him before she died to make sure I went. I wasted my way through college too, nearly flunking out. I just had to rush through this five year period in order to get to the point where me and mark could get married. I knew when we got married that everything was going to be perfect. Just wonderful. I would have no more worries, just happy days. Thats the biggest load of shit my brain ever came up with.

I got married, May of '97. First year or so was good. Its been increasingly shitty ever since. Everything about my marriage, my house, my life, everything... is in shambles. I still love him, somehow, but want to leave. I want another life. Its like I want another life, but I want him too. He has major issues with being a mama's boy. He claimed once that I was just jealous because I don't have a family and he does. I've since decided its not a family, its a friggin cult. That family will probably use me for sacrifice one night...make candles out of my fat. (They'd have enough candles so they'd never have to have another electric bill, I can tell you that... haha) I don't speak to his mom, dad, brother or his wife. Thats a long story in itself. Christmas will be byond a total freaking disaster.

So now, here I am. Throw two miscarriages in there somewhere and thats my life. Pretty sucky, eh kids? What do I have to show for my life? nadda. I work at Walmart. I have a junk car that doesn't run at the moment. I have a hate/love thing going with my husband. I have no kids. I'm overweight. I've lost all but probably one teeny little ounce of my faith in the world, in anything. I have no money, but lots of bills I can't get paid. If anyone can tell me where to start fixing this shitty mess I'm in....please tell me.

And now that I'm done depressing myself further.. off I go.. lol

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....escapee update.... [10 Dec 2002|05:50am]
Btw, the food trick worked to catch the guinea pig. I still have a hamster loose in this house somewhere. He is probably behind my computer desk, merrily chewing on wires as we speak! lol
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Good Morning....or maybe not. [10 Dec 2002|05:33am]
[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | none ]

Its 5:35 a.m. I've already had it out with Mark this morning. He was mad because my car isn't fixed yet. Has he attempted to get it fixed? no. Its now up to me to call the guy to see when and if he can fix it. All I had to do was wake up this morning, and that was enough to cause a fight with us. Mark said, "Whats wrong with you? You are in some kind of daze!!" He was angry with me because he asked what time it was and I was half asleep and told him the wrong time. Forgive me, Lord, for I have sinned. He is such a jerk anymore. I wish I had everything organized. I would leave today.

I am feeling less and less hesitant about leaving. I keep imagining how nice and peaceful it will be after I get out of here. His life really won't change all that much. He'll still have everything he cares about. His mommy and daddy, his hunting, his dogs...the things that take up his time. I may be gone a week before he forgets my name. Thats ok though. I want him to be happy and have the life he wants. He is always going to have the life he wants, whether I am here or not. What is the use in me staying here and being miserable then? I should have the life I want as well. Its not like I am asking for much. I'd like a small apartment. I'd have my stuff. I'd have my job. I'd have peace and some form of grounding in my life.

Seems like I bitch and moan everytime I make a journal entry anymore. I am probably boring anybody who actually does read my journal to the point where they will quit reading it. SORRY..!! lol It just helps me think. Anyway, won't be long now. I've got to get the house organized so I know where all of my stuff is. I toyed with the idea of getting a storage shed in Carla's name at one of those rental places. Get all my stuff out, then one day just go. I thought of going while he was at work. Leave a note that I wasn't coming back there or whatever. I may confront him face to face. Seems less "cowardish"..I'm not sure. I won't hesitate to get a restraining order against him if he messes with me though. And he had better not mess with any of my family either. I will kick his ass up between his ears so far he can hear his own turds whisper.

I've been saying I was going to leave for so long now, I don't think any of my friends have any faith that I will actually leave. Carla will be surprised, to say the least. I told her after my divorce is finalized, she has to take me out one weekend and it will be my "T.I.P.S.Y party... (Trudy Is Partying Single Yay!) lol Theres a whole other world out there I don't know anything about.

The cage is rattling.....the bars are weakening and bending. Can't quite squeeze through just yet, but I'm getting there.

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Be on the lookout for the escapees... [09 Dec 2002|09:08pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | none.. just the buzz of the little electric heater..bzzzz ]

Ok.. I'm a little annoyed. I came home and not only is my hamster loose in the house, but the guinea pig is loose in the house as well. They climbed out of their plastic tubs I keep them in. I'm just going to have to break down and buy them the cages I saw. Sneaky little boogers. I'm being real quiet and listening and have their feed and water bowls out on the kitchen floor. The hamster has escaped before, and I have caught him this way.

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blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah [08 Dec 2002|09:46pm]
[ mood | tired ]
[ music | none.. ]

Went to "The Starting Line" last night for a while. It was fun. Little Ryan had us cracking up. He is such an adorable guy. Usually I would never go for a short guy, but he has such a nice personality.....and a pretty nice butt too.. haha. Anyway, Michael wasn't there. :( Some girl knew I where I had went to highschool and asked me if I'd gone there. I said yes, and asked if I knew her and her reply was "I went there too". I have no idea who she was and she didn't offer her name, so... whatever.

Carla talked to PJ (a.k.a. "LoverBoy") more last night than she ever has. I found his ad on Yahoo Personals the other night and emailed it to Carla. She just about peed herself. Just for some history, she and PJ went to her junior prom together in highschool. This was back when he had long hair and wasn't all that great looking. Last summer at the county fair, he was running the ......whats it called.. I forget.... Tilt-A-Whirl.. I think... and Carla was shocked when she saw him. He is hot now. Last night he said he had changed alot, more than anyone thought he could. He seems kind of bashful, but cocky at the same time. I think he would be a difficult guy to figure out. Anyway, Carla got to look at him alot last night and I think it made her night that he talked to her as much as he did.

I made no connections at the bar last night. I was just glad to get some alcohol in my system. Me and Mark aren't getting along any better. I looked through the newspaper yesterday for the apt's for rent. I have a feeling things are going to blow apart...and soon.

Guess I'll end this entry now. I am just babbling on and on senselessly. Still have my cold and feel cruddy. I could go to sleep right now, but don't want to. I am sort of bored.... Reb had to go to Tennessee for three weeks for his job. :( He's been sick, with kidney stones and some sort of viral something or other......a form of adult chicken pox. I am worried about him. Poor Rebster.

They still haven't caught the man and wife who robbed the bank in town. And last night a guy was shot and killed by his uncle in another county near here. They said the fight was over beer. The uncle told the guy not to drink the last two beer, and he did drink one, so the uncle shot him and killed him. This is one of those things that could only happen in West Virginia. Geeeeez.... No wonder West Virginians have a bad name.

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$^%#%$#%$@!!!! [06 Dec 2002|03:49pm]
[ mood | determined ]
[ music | "She Hates Me" --- Puddle of Mud ]

Today has been the suckiest of days, but I'm really not that down about it, surprisingly. I'm more in a "gotta take care of business" mood. I've decided that I will be out of this house, this marriage, and this mess the first of the year. My deadline to be out is my 27th birthday. So, by April 17th, I will be much happier I hope, or at least on the right path heading for happiness.

We may have a good day now and then, but I'm foolish to think those occasional good days will help me survive the day to day hell I go through, and will continue to go through as long as I live here with him. It will be hard to leave him, even though things are so messed up. I still love him. I'm sure the divorce will create a horrible mess in which I am made out to be the biggest bitch alive. But I've had enough. I can hardly think or function anymore. The stress, the depression.....its all gotta go. I've got to find a new way to live.

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....Impending Doom.... [05 Dec 2002|10:17pm]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | none again.. ]

Thought I would make another entry since I am bored and feel weird. I am slipping into a depressed state again.....waitaminute.....maybe I was never really out of the last period of depression. Was I in a good mood for an hour or two? I can't remember.....HA! I don't know what is wrong with me. I have a gray cloud permanently IN my head I think. Forget one just floating over me. I have a horrible feeling of impending doom.

Made out a few Christmas cards tonight. My heart isn't in it though, so I was soon looking for some other form of entertainment. I need a drink. I have that envelope glue taste in my mouth. blah..

Here I sit with my nice little single serving bottle of Sunny Delight. I still have the flu/cold/death grip/anthrax/mad cow disease or whatever it is. Hacking and coughing and gagging and wheezing. I have to go back to work tomorrow and have no desire to do so. We are supposed to get more snow tonight. I talked to a guy from London tonight. He said they never get snow. I never really thought about it before. He said they get alot of rain. He also said he didn't know what american women saw in american men. American men didn't know how to treat women, and had no clue what true romance was. He considered himself comparable to Hugh Grant. Whatever. All I know is he sucked at Yahoo Scrabble.. hehe..

Speaking of which, me and carla are going to go play scrabble now. 'Night all..

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boring entry..zzzzzzzzzz [05 Dec 2002|07:37pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | none ]

Sitting here, worrying and thinking too much as usual. I feel like I could fall right to sleep, but I don't want to sleep, so here I am.

GS sent me a digital camera/webcam today in the mail. How incredibly nice of him. Haven't decided how its used just yet, but I'm excited to try it out. He also sent some catnip for the kitties and a big box of chocolate candy. Very nice of him. I have to get his xmas stuff together.

Somebody robbed a bank in town today. Moron. Heard rumor that they caught him, but haven't heard it on the news yet.

Mark had a little too much to drink, which makes him extremely annoying. He is sleeping now - snoring away.

Not much else to say. Its been a pretty boring day. I need sleep.. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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...venting... [04 Dec 2002|09:57pm]
[ mood | annoyed ]
[ music | ..still nothin'.. ]

Talking to Carla...she is still ticked at me. Thinks I should just leave Mark and it would be just that easy. She doesn't understand alot. She's single, and never really had a boyfriend that I know of. Well, the Travis guy, but I'm not sure that was really a boyfriend/girlfriend type thing. Anyway, she's acting like I am a moron and I'm really getting annoyed with her, but I am not allowing myself to argue with her. I love her alot, and don't want to fight with her. We've had one major fight, last year, and I hated it. I'll not allow it to happen again, if I can help it. But I will not kiss someone's ass to make them like me either. Grrr... I need a break.

Was reading journals randomly. What is it with people doing role playing journals? Everybody from Harry Potter to Britney Spears is on here. I may not have anything exciting to write about in my life - I may write about my hamster or something - but its my life. I'm not going to pretend like I'm Spock and have a journal on here. To each his own though, whatever flips your pickle. YAY for Freedom of Speech, eh? :)~

Ok, I'm done bitching and moaning. Time to put this entry out of its misery.

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A good day?...hmmm.. somethings wrong here... [04 Dec 2002|09:16pm]
[ mood | worried ]
[ music | nothin'... ]

I've sat here and thought about every bill I have and now I'm worried. Whats the use in worrying about it all? I will pay what I can pay and to hell with the rest until next payday. Thats all I can do right now. Such is life.

I did spend $20.00 today that I shouldn't have......on a guinea pig, of all things. I love animals. I saw him at the pet store, and he said, "Hey, Babe...bust me outta this joint!" So I did. Hes very tame, a pretty brown color and not very old. My sister used to have guinea pigs, and one bit me so after that I didn't care for them much. But this one, I like. I'm not sure what he is going to be called, but thus far I have referred to him as "Bubba Pig". lol I brought him home and fixed up his cage, and then went to clean out the hamster ("Hamlet") and found that he had escaped sometime while I was gone. He is still loose in the house. He's done this twice before and I've found him fairly quickly. Usually he hides until night time and then comes out when he hears me rummaging around. I set his food and water out for him in case he needs it and I don't see him to catch him.

They are calling for 8 to 10 inches of snow tonight. I hate to think of that. Winter is depressing to me.

I watched a woman at the mall make hand dipped candles today. She dipped the candle over and over and over, in different colors of wax to make different colored layers. Then she took a knife-like tool and carved strips out of the wax which she twisted and twirled and made a really beautiful fancy candle out of it. She made it look so easy, and finished it fairly quickly. Those sorts of candles were selling for 15 to 20 bucks. Wow. I was impressed. Wish I had that talent. I'd like to try it.

I also watched the long haired dude at the air brush store paint some frat stuff on a big wooden paddle. He is extremely talented. I could really fall for a guy like that. :)

Lets see.... I guess thats about it. We ate at Ryan's steak house which is the best place on Earth to eat. I ate too much, of course, but oh well. Today was a day that Mark and I really got along well. Tomorrow we will probably murder each other, but today was good. Today is a day that I love him and don't want to leave him. I know it can't last though. I'm still all confused about what to do with my life. Carla is still acting sort of cold towards me and I found out why. She was badmouthing Mark like she does all the time. I had said, "Why don't you two just beat each other up and get it over with?" I had said it jokingly, but she got offended. Its been like three days since I said that, and just found out last night that is why she is peed off at me. She said she can't voice her opinion now. I think she is suffering from PMS at the moment. She'll get over it. Soon, I hope.

Anyway, such is my life at this moment. I hope yours is better than mine.. lol

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Hard Up for Entertainment?...heres some ideas... [02 Dec 2002|11:55pm]
[ mood | dorky ]
[ music | Some song on the radio by some teen girl singer I dont like. ]

If you are bored (such as I am)....and tired of reading endless online journal entries (especially ones by me..)....heres some suggestions for forms of entertainment tonight........

1. Sex...
2. Check out for some humor.
3. Check out for some more humor.
4. Check out for even more humor. (Make sure you check out the Blode tales, and "Jamie and his magic Todger")
5. If you have a strong stomach and taste for gory reality, check out . (many pics here are nightmarish)
6. My movie picks are: Y Tu Mama Tambien....Ice Age....and Vanilla Sky.
7. Go to and take some quizzes.
8. umm... how about sex?..

Ok, thats all I can come up with. If this doesn't help, then ya'll are on your own. 'Night... :)

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[02 Dec 2002|10:54pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | none..sometimes silence is good. ]

Living is exhausting. At least it is to me. Living day to day takes too much effort. It shouldn't be this way. I know my life is screwed up. I am positive that I am not where I'm supposed to be in this world. (yeah, enough drama, I know..) I just honestly feel like I'm not where I'm meant to be.

One minute I could strangle Mark with my bare hands, I get so annoyed with him. Then later I can't imagine how I could exist without him. I'm not sure if its that I feel the need to be loved by him, or if I just feel the need to be loved. Period. Its all a very confusing situation. I do know that this LOVE, HATE, LOVE, HATE, LOVE, HATE thing is very tiring. Especially when it is accompanied by the GO, STAY, GO, STAY thing. I just can't decide what to do with my life.

I met him when I was 16. He was a senior, I was a sophmore at the same highschool. My mom had died about 3 months earlier. My dad was drunk 99% of the time and never home. My older sister had moved to New Hampshire with my oldest sister, and my brother was in college two hours away. I pretty much had nobody. Mark was there suddenly, showing interest in me. I was never one to attract guys. In fact, I can tell you each and every guy who has ever asked me out. John (He wrote me my first love note - didn't go out with him though), Jamie (Extremely funny guy, I should have allowed myself to tell him how I felt about him, but didn't. Haven't seen him in years, last I heard he was doing jail time for breaking and entering.) and then Mark (long, exhausting story). Thats it. I later found out that I intimidated guys in highschool because I was "so mature and smart". Forgive me, for I have sinned..... Anyway.... Mark was the first guy I ever kissed, ever dated, ever had sex with, ..he was the first. And five years later, when I was 21, I married him. We've now been married almost 6 years.

Immediately his mom and dad started taking over our lives. Mark allowed it, I allowed it at first but then bucked it. The damage was already done tho. His mom was especially controlling. I mean everything from picking the color to paint our bedroom to the decorations at our wedding. I tend to be a passive person, and I took alot of shit from these people over the years. I kept it in, decided not to say much to keep from causing problems. Finally, after five years of this crap, it all came to a head. I haven't been to their house since Christmas 2001, and haven't spoken to them since February of 2002. Something his mom said about my dad got back to me, and I finally mentally told them to fuck off, and tried to act like they didn't exist.

His mom works at the same Walmart I do, so I have to avoid her as much as possible. She usually says a snotty "Well HELLO TRUDY!!" really loudly, so people will notice. I don't look at her or speak to her. I think she tries to get me to respond in a manner that she can use against me with management. I'm not losing my job over her. Forget that shit. I figure I'll be in the parking lot one day, and she'll be there, and all hell will break loose.

Mark says, "Its just how they are. I've lived with it all my life.. I'm used to it." He never stands up to them, and never takes up for us. Its always, "yes, mom.. yes dad" and then it causes problems between Mark and I. He has even told me before that I was jealous of him because I didn't have a family. He also said once that I didn't know how to function in a "close knit family". Its not a family. Its a friggin CULT...................

Mark and I went on a weekend honeymoon to a resort that was about an hour and a half away. He....cried.....on our wedding night. I freaked out, thinking he regretted our marriage already, only hours later. Then he told me he was "just homesick" and that he had never been away from home and his mom and dad before. He was 24 years old..... This was my first hint...I should have ran...and ran like hell.

We own a house and 8 acres of land that we bought off of my great uncle about six months before we were married. He, and mommy and daddy of course, went to the bank to see about the loan. I went with them the night the papers were signed and finalized. My name was never put on the loan, deed, anything. Mark told me that the loan officer had told them that since we weren't married, they couldn't put my name on it too. That is a bunch of bullshit. I believed it at the time. I wanted to believe in him, I wanted to believe anything he said was gospel. I was so blinded. I loved him an incredible amount. So the last 6 years, I've helped pay for this place, but I have no ownership in it. Yes, I do know how stupid I am. NOW I know anyway. He had told me that after we were married, my name would be put on it, but he has never made the effort to do this. We fight about it all the time. I don't bring it up as much anymore. I don't even care. I don't feel like this is my home. I hate this place. And conveniently, it is located just one mile from his mom and dad... how nice.

Anyway, to make a long story short (even though I've already led you down the long story path), I've been thinking of how my life could be without him and his family. I think I would do ok on my own. I love to think of having my own place, my own things, and actually having some money saved that he won't be there to spend on hunting supplies. We live from payday to payday. I may have to live in a rat hole, but by gawd, it will be MY rat hole.

I meet guys that I really like, and they may or may not show interest in me, but I think, "I could maybe have that, if I were out of my situation..." I know I could be happier. Even if I were alone the rest of my life, I know I could be happier. So, why am I still here, you ask? Good question. I'm not sure of the answer. I need to get my life together though. I'm 26. I've wasted enough time being miserable. I just need to do it and get it over with. Look forward, don't look back. No regrets. I can talk tough with a keyboard in my hands, but when it comes to actually doing it, I'm scared shitless sometimes, and I'm not sure why.

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....pizzed off pizza man.... [01 Dec 2002|11:59pm]
[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | none... just the washer spinnin'... ]

Today has been a cruddy day. Mark and I faught most of the day, then I went to work. Work was ok, until about 7:00 tonight, when I was called to the service desk. Seems someone took it upon themselves to call a local pizza place and order two pizzas in my name. I told the delivery guy I didn't order pizzas. I called the number they gave when placing the order, and an old guy answered the phone. I asked if anyone at that number had ordered the pizzas, he was so confused, but said no. Finally, I gave up and just told the pizza guy that I had not ordered them and didn't know who did. I sure as hell wasn't paying for them. He called back down to the pizza place, and they checked the caller ID for the number. Turns out the call was made from the pay phone out in the lobby in front of the store I work at. I can't think of anybody I work with that would have done it. He said it was a man's voice and he claimed he worked there and was on break and ordered the pizzas for me. Then gave them the bogus number. Mark was at the store at the time, but swears it wasn't him. He did act genuinely surprised when I told him about it. But who knows. The only enemies I have are his family members. I didn't see any of them in the store tonight. I have a good sense of humor, and I can take jokes. I do all the time. But that was ridiculous. Then to top it all off, the old guy I had called shows up at the store and wants to know what was going on, because I confused him on the phone. AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Somebody is messin' with me, and I'm not happy.

Anyway......I closed tonight and have to open at 7:00 in the morning so I had better try to get some sleep. We have about six or seven inches of snow now. Its friggin' cold out there...brrrrrrrr... I can't wait for Spring, when things start coming back to life and turning green.

Carla's attitude was kind of cold towards me tonight, but I don't know why. I thought maybe she was just having a bad day and gave her space. Hopefully tomorrow she will be back to her usual self. I'm such a paranoid person though, I automatically think its something I've done or said. I can't think of anything though.

Ah well, such is life, eh?

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