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Living is exhausting. At least it is to me. Living day to day takes too much effort. It shouldn't be this way. I know my life is screwed up. I am positive that I am not where I'm supposed to be in this world. (yeah, enough drama, I know..) I just honestly feel like I'm not where I'm meant to be.
One minute I could strangle Mark with my bare hands, I get so annoyed with him. Then later I can't imagine how I could exist without him. I'm not sure if its that I feel the need to be loved by him, or if I just feel the need to be loved. Period. Its all a very confusing situation. I do know that this LOVE, HATE, LOVE, HATE, LOVE, HATE thing is very tiring. Especially when it is accompanied by the GO, STAY, GO, STAY thing. I just can't decide what to do with my life.
I met him when I was 16. He was a senior, I was a sophmore at the same highschool. My mom had died about 3 months earlier. My dad was drunk 99% of the time and never home. My older sister had moved to New Hampshire with my oldest sister, and my brother was in college two hours away. I pretty much had nobody. Mark was there suddenly, showing interest in me. I was never one to attract guys. In fact, I can tell you each and every guy who has ever asked me out. John (He wrote me my first love note - didn't go out with him though), Jamie (Extremely funny guy, I should have allowed myself to tell him how I felt about him, but didn't. Haven't seen him in years, last I heard he was doing jail time for breaking and entering.) and then Mark (long, exhausting story). Thats it. I later found out that I intimidated guys in highschool because I was "so mature and smart". Forgive me, for I have sinned..... Anyway.... Mark was the first guy I ever kissed, ever dated, ever had sex with, ..he was the first. And five years later, when I was 21, I married him. We've now been married almost 6 years.
Immediately his mom and dad started taking over our lives. Mark allowed it, I allowed it at first but then bucked it. The damage was already done tho. His mom was especially controlling. I mean everything from picking the color to paint our bedroom to the decorations at our wedding. I tend to be a passive person, and I took alot of shit from these people over the years. I kept it in, decided not to say much to keep from causing problems. Finally, after five years of this crap, it all came to a head. I haven't been to their house since Christmas 2001, and haven't spoken to them since February of 2002. Something his mom said about my dad got back to me, and I finally mentally told them to fuck off, and tried to act like they didn't exist.
His mom works at the same Walmart I do, so I have to avoid her as much as possible. She usually says a snotty "Well HELLO TRUDY!!" really loudly, so people will notice. I don't look at her or speak to her. I think she tries to get me to respond in a manner that she can use against me with management. I'm not losing my job over her. Forget that shit. I figure I'll be in the parking lot one day, and she'll be there, and all hell will break loose.
Mark says, "Its just how they are. I've lived with it all my life.. I'm used to it." He never stands up to them, and never takes up for us. Its always, "yes, mom.. yes dad" and then it causes problems between Mark and I. He has even told me before that I was jealous of him because I didn't have a family. He also said once that I didn't know how to function in a "close knit family". Its not a family. Its a friggin CULT...................
Mark and I went on a weekend honeymoon to a resort that was about an hour and a half away. He....cried.....on our wedding night. I freaked out, thinking he regretted our marriage already, only hours later. Then he told me he was "just homesick" and that he had never been away from home and his mom and dad before. He was 24 years old..... This was my first hint...I should have ran...and ran like hell.
We own a house and 8 acres of land that we bought off of my great uncle about six months before we were married. He, and mommy and daddy of course, went to the bank to see about the loan. I went with them the night the papers were signed and finalized. My name was never put on the loan, deed, anything. Mark told me that the loan officer had told them that since we weren't married, they couldn't put my name on it too. That is a bunch of bullshit. I believed it at the time. I wanted to believe in him, I wanted to believe anything he said was gospel. I was so blinded. I loved him an incredible amount. So the last 6 years, I've helped pay for this place, but I have no ownership in it. Yes, I do know how stupid I am. NOW I know anyway. He had told me that after we were married, my name would be put on it, but he has never made the effort to do this. We fight about it all the time. I don't bring it up as much anymore. I don't even care. I don't feel like this is my home. I hate this place. And conveniently, it is located just one mile from his mom and dad... how nice.
Anyway, to make a long story short (even though I've already led you down the long story path), I've been thinking of how my life could be without him and his family. I think I would do ok on my own. I love to think of having my own place, my own things, and actually having some money saved that he won't be there to spend on hunting supplies. We live from payday to payday. I may have to live in a rat hole, but by gawd, it will be MY rat hole.
I meet guys that I really like, and they may or may not show interest in me, but I think, "I could maybe have that, if I were out of my situation..." I know I could be happier. Even if I were alone the rest of my life, I know I could be happier. So, why am I still here, you ask? Good question. I'm not sure of the answer. I need to get my life together though. I'm 26. I've wasted enough time being miserable. I just need to do it and get it over with. Look forward, don't look back. No regrets. I can talk tough with a keyboard in my hands, but when it comes to actually doing it, I'm scared shitless sometimes, and I'm not sure why.
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hopeful
determined
listless
annoyed
tired
dorky