Below are the 4 most recent journal entries.

	2002.11.10  23.16 what i am thinkin'... Its 11:15 p.m. and I am really ready to fall asleep, but decided to write a bit before I get offline. My mind has been whirrling in it's usual storm of confusion tonight. Alot of thoughts running through my head. Had a decent night at the bar last night. CC had a guy who hit on her pretty heavy. She freaked when he asked her to drive him home and said they could get naked. LOL She said she wasn't ready for that yet, and 'Not with a guy from the bar...' He was a cute guy though. I think if I was single and he asked me, we would have gotten naked. lol Seems like everytime I go to the bar, I think of how much more fun I could be having if I wasn't married. The grass is looking alot greener on that other side of the fence. Things with Mark are not improving at all. I'll just be here until the explosion occurs and everything flies apart. Then when its impossible for me to stand it one more day, I will go. I should just go now, but thats how I am. Wait until the very last moment. Been thinking about R and PK alot lately. More than I should actually. My brain is too sleepy to function anymore. Time for bed. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

	2002.11.06  00.28 Decent day, but I want to leave again.... Had a strange dream last night, but now I forget most of it. I remember thinking this morning that I wished I had time to write about it on here. Now I don't remember enough of it to even bother writing about. Weird. Mark hit a deer with his truck this morning while he was on his way to work. :( Tonight he stopped by work to tell me about it and said some things in a tone like it was my fault. All I said was, lucky you didn't have the car this morning. He said, "oh so its ok if I tear up my truck tho, huh?" I didn't mean it that way at all. If he hit it as hard as he said he did, and was driving the car which is a little Dodge Colt, it would have been totalled and he would have been hurt probably. Thats how I meant it. But he had to make me feel bad.. had to make me feel guilty. He gets a kick out of it I think. Tonight I came home from work at about midnight. He was in bed. I told him I was home. His reply was, "yeah, I heard you come in.." .......O-K....... So I just came in here and got online like I always do. I think those few days we actually got along were just flukes.... It wasn't a true sign that things were improving. Work was good tonight. Saw R but didn't get to talk to him. He was with some guy he works with. We decorated the front registers for Christmas. I didn't get to help alot since I was running change, etc... but the girls did a fantastic job. The mgr. has been in a good mood lately for some reason. Kind of scary. It probably won't be long before he is transferred somewhere else. Me and Carla went to Little Ceasar's for lunch tonight. Good food, but man....heartburn city. lol Carla is like the best friend I have ever had in my life. Even after we had "the big fight" last spring, things have gotten back to normal with us. Better than ever really. I care about her alot. I would say that I love her even. She is just like a sister to me. She is such a good person. She has helped me through so much. Always supportive. I wish the best of everything for her. I hope her life turns out exactly how she wants it. Guess thats about it. Think I'll go find a game or something to keep my mind occupied. Christmas is not very far away. I am excited to be giving Dad his gun for Christmas, and Mae her mother's ring. I want to think of some really good things to get for Karen, Robert, and Becky. And Lil' Robert, of course. I have a picture of Mom and Dad from when they were very young, that I want to have enlarged and give to them. I will hopefully have my scanner/printer/copier soon enough before Christmas so I can make them lots of copies of whatever pics I have that I think they will like. I'd like to get Karen a sewing machine, because she said she wanted one, but I don't know if money will allow it by Christmas. Just had a strange "Deja-Vu" feeling... even as I was typing this very sentence.. Like I had been in this moment before. WEIRD. Ok, I'm goin'.. freaked out. Later taters....

	2002.11.05  02.21 ..the plan.. I've done some thinking, and am back for the second journal of the night. I have several problems in my life that make me unhappy. I know that I am thinking that by leaving Mark, I will rid myself of some of these problems, but maybe thats not the case. Maybe Mark isn't the real problem. Maybe its the weight of all the problems on me at once. Bills for instance. We are behind on everything. Our credit sucks. Checkbook is screwed up. We live from payday to payday. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being broke and feeling that sinking "we're poor" feeling in my stomach. Another problem. The house is a total wreck. I just can't get the gumption up to do a complete overhaul on it. Its my fault that its gotten like this, I know housework is the wife's responsibility most often, but still... he could help some. I'd rather he didn't help most of the time because he makes such a big deal out of it. Another problem I have is my weight. I weigh 245 lbs. I'd really like to weigh about 160. Thats 85 lbs I need to lose. I've been overweight for as long as I've existed on this earth. I have lost weight a few times, but always gained it back. Those are three of the biggest problems I have. Bills, house, weight. Maybe if I fixed these problems, the problems between me and Mark wouldn't seem so huge and horrible. Let me add one more problem to that list. INLAWS. I don't speak to his mom, dad, brother, or his brother's wife. I know it sounds immature and petty, but I don't. I can't stand them, it makes me sick to even see them. They have nosed in our business since day one, and I put up with it for ten years. The straw that broke the camel's back was someone telling me that his mom had told them at work, that my dad had molested me when I was little. FLAT OUT LIE.. NEVER HAPPENED.. I AM ENRAGED THAT SHE WOULD EVEN DARE SAY THIS.. Why she told them this, I have no idea. Another thing that happened that really "did it" ...... we had went to the bank to deposit our paychecks, etc. They saw our truck at the bank. When they got home, some guy had called them trying to find Mark because Mark wanted to look at his camper. I stopped at dad's on the way home, and Mark's dad called my dad's house and asked if Mark was there. Dad told him no, that he was on his way home. I went home, not knowing what was going on. Mark went up to his dads to find out what was going on. His dad jumped him about wanting to get a camper, said we didn't need to be spending our money on that. They thought we had been at the bank to get a loan. See how nosy they are? Ok, so there are four major problems: 1) House 2) Bills 3) Weight 4) Inlaws Now I guess the next step is to decide what to do about these problems. As for the house.. that is simple enough. I just need to do the complete overhaul on it that it needs. Whether I want to or not. Everyday, I want to spend two hours cleaning and organizing this house. As for bills...... I know we spend too much money on things we don't need. We are so far behind, its hard to get caught up. The only way to fix our credit is to get caught up and stay caught up. So, my solution to this problem is: Quit blowing unnecessary money, make sure bills are paid. Also, I need to think about applying for a better paying job, or maybe another part time job. (I work full time at Wal-mart now making 8.07 an hour.) As for my weight problem.... the only way to fix that is to exercise more and eat less. Its simple. I walk alot at work, which is good. But I eat all the wrong stuff and then sit on my butt on the internet too many hours a night. I'll start small. No more pop, unless its diet. No sweets. Try to eat alot of vegetables and fruits, and try to drink water more than anything else. I'm going to start exercising more too, somewhere in there. I'm not in good shape at all. I think I'll start with 10 sit ups a day, and go from there. Last, but not the least of our problems... inlaws. We live one mile from them. I work with my mother in law. There is no avoiding them completely. I should develop the attitude that I don't care what they think of me, and they can all kiss my ass and go straight to Hell. I would like to move, but Mark won't hear of it. I know there is a big explosion on its way, probably at Christmas time. It will probably be what drives me out of here. But if I love Mark enough to stay with him, and if he loves me enough to take the fact that I can't stand his family, then I will just wipe them out of my mind as much as possible. Like they didn't even exist. I'd rather do that than have them come between us. I'm interested in seeing how mine and Mark's relationship changes after I get the ball rolling on these problems and things start improving. It will either get better and I'll be glad I didn't jump the gun and leave, or it will worsen, and I will see there is no other way out but to go. I need to remind myself that its important to do things everyday to better my situation. I feel some better after thinking of these things, and I feel motivated to actually do them. I hope I stick to it. Wish me luck.

	2002.11.05  00.53 In the beginning..... Starting an online journal, again. This makes like the third attempt. My webtv died last time so my journal went "kaput!" I'm not sure how this will look, but I guess I can always change the layout if I don't like it. I've got alot of confused feelings. I want to be happy. I want to be free. I want to still feel loved. Its like I don't want to leave Mark, but I want to feel free to do as I please. One definitely cannot exist with the other. Maybe by writing about things, I'll understand them more. Or maybe I'll just become more confused. I just don't feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be in life. I think its time to do something about it. I'm wasting my life. Maybe it would be a big mistake to leave Mark, or maybe it would be the best thing for both of us. I guess a person can't be sure, until after you try it. Then if you've made the wrong decision, its too late. Thats what I'm afraid of. I'm also afraid of being 60 years old and looking back on my worthless life thinking, "I had SO much time.. I could have done so much... and I wasted it all."