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[09 Feb 2010|11:55pm] |
if it's not keeping you up nights
then what's the point
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[09 Feb 2010|09:50pm] |
so much past inside my present
long days are long.
today actually wasn't so bad ... once it was over.
got frustrated in sculpture at tools that i am not good at.
first time using these tools and then we have to make... art.
something that is finely crafted and aesthetically pleasing
it's like trying to make a painting without knowing how to use a brush
which is what i do...
but using a plasma cutter and oxy-sedaline or something is a bit different.
i don't even know how to turn the damn thing on, let alone bend metal perfectly the way i want it.
so i left early after trying unsuccessfully to bend two pieces.
i was so excited about making art yesterday ... if only i could get to actually MAKING it
must. get. better.
THEN got a call from tree and leeeaffff
they will probably hire me as their intern
i will probably accept, assuming that i will get paid
otherwise, i don't see how it's possible
dream come true.
then went directly to print my t-shirts...took sooo long. and i messed up kind of.
hate getting knocked down in screenprinting and feeling like such an amateur.
i want to be good at it so bad.
first time using the t-shirt press, not sure what to expect
it takes time to learn how to use tools properly
IT TAKES TIME
bah.
never was more excited to have guacamole in my life.
pet is being weird and scared unlike yesterday
maybe it still thinks it's time to sleep
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[07 Feb 2010|10:32pm] |
i need to be better at life.
big problems arise when all i want is drama free life.
i really want her to go away.
everything was great on the friend circuit because i have great friends that are just friends and there is no drama at all
until SHE starts hanging out more
she started hanging out with anton and they didn't really go anywhere... but now she likes ian and that disrupts things. do not like my friends. do not come into our group of friends and try to put the moves on someone that is definitely not interested in you. do not mess with what is good in my life. the only thing good in my life that has been constant for some time now. do not do this to me. do not change things for us. also poor anton. second girl in a row that's done that to you.
also, anton don't like me okay. you'll disrupt things too. ian told me he was very excited to watch a scary movie with me and i could tell he was excited to comfort me. i didn't notice or pay any attention to it until ian said something. ugh. ugh ugh ugh.
i really need things not to change.
please girl
just don't do this to me
i have to calm down
my pet came to me! it made me very happy.
i also got to see matt and brian for a small amount of time today
that was very nice
she's still there
....
last night she went to a date party and got really drunk (i do not like her when she is drunk. i kinda liked her at first) and nate, alyssa, and ian went to go get here because nate drove and ian knew where it was. i guess she like hugged him for a long time and then came back and she was being kind of slutty and trying to be like "i'm such a bad ass/girl" and that was annoying. everyone was in my room an then everyone left except ian and macy i guess macy was waiting for ian (i am assuming - i couldn't really go anywhere) and he walked her home "because i'm a girl and i can't walk alone at night" - that is why i did not go. and i guess she tried to put the moves on him and he wasn't having it. he was kind of mad at me because he had to go, although that's what should have happened because he's a boy and anton had since gone (he doesn't like her either). don't do it girl.
i'm protective. and this is one of the few good things in my life i have going and i don't want you to do anything to take it away from me or change it in anyway
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[05 Feb 2010|10:28am] |
and although last night was really good
and i was happy and felt like it
even though yesterday was a long day
i had to go and have a bad dream
that i can't stop thinking about
and i will forever be unresolved until i talk to the person that was in
and the other 3 i will probably secretly hold something against them for the rest of the time i know them
i want to wipe away all things that are bad and just get them out of my head
maybe i'll just try to go back to sleep
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[04 Feb 2010|08:49am] |
it's only 2 weeks in to school and i an debating whether or not to go to class
i really want to go to painting actually
i feel pretty weak, tired, and not wanting to freak out about anything.
i also NEED to go to school.
for a print clubclub meeting that i plan on running for office for
because our current officers don't really do anything ... or show up... or come to class...
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[04 Feb 2010|01:51am] |
Well. I should tell you.
Tonight, I had an anxiety attack.
I was crying for about 10 minutes then drove home and by the time I got home I was hyperventilating, could barely make it up the stares. I lost feeling in my arms and legs and the paramedics and firemen came. I called 911 because I didn't know what else to do. I'm still pretty dizzy. And couldn't breathe normally for about an hour and a half probably. This is the second time ever in my life it has happened, only the first time I didn't lose feeling.
So. Apparently I am under a lot of stress. There were several things I was thinking about besides the fact that I lost about $80 tonight. Work is what spawned it. My last table of the night started out as a table for 4, then turned into a table of 25... I waited on them all by myself and did everything right. They were happy. It wasn't a bad table. It sucked really bad because they took up two sections and I had to clean up after all of them and didn't get to leave work until about an hour and 45 minutes after we closed (that is a very long time.) My credit card and gift card tips were about $100 - not including cash tips, but somehow I walked away with only $40. I don't understand how it happened.
There were other things than that that I was thinking about - a lot of other things, mostly that don't apply to you. But I was mad that you could never be there for me when I needed you to be. I have no one in my life who can be there for me whenever I need them, no matter what. I have no constant, no security in my life. THAT is probably what kills me the most every day. Fortunate for you, you live with your family. Me - my closest person is in several states away. I never realized it affected me so much.
Anyway, you should know I am a weak person - very weak apparently. I also have been very unhappy for a long time. Tonight made me think maybe I am actually depressed. I am thinking about going to see a doctor. So if you've ever wondered anything ever about why I do or say things, maybe that's why. I don't know how to deal with things apparently.
Anyway. Life is tough. Life is even tougher when you feel like you're alone with no one on your side. Also, when many things just don't seem to go right.
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[01 Feb 2010|01:00am] |
i need some kind of sign
something that tells me what i am doing is right
or i am okay
or i am a person worth of being around
i desperately need reassurance for anything
because i'm not really sure of anything
i want someone next to me right now
i need comforting
i don't know what the hell i'm doing
i'm doing nothing, actually
nothing is happening
at all
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[31 Jan 2010|01:45pm] |
i think i am depressed.
and i think i am realizing sad, sad, things about my life that i cannot avoid or change
and i will be forever cursed by movies like He's Just Not That Into You and other such chick-flicks that could shatter (or build) any illusions that i ever had about love. and i can't shake the feeling that all that i would need to be happy is for some male to come in to my life and make everything better - fix every little bit that was wrong and then i would be happy. we would spend every night together and text constantly or if we could not be together, we would talk on the phone
i'm crazy.
it's pathetic.
i can't help but try to find some kind of potential in every guy i meet ever. if that dumb jackass would just man up. he never does. dumb jackass. ugh. so many negative feelings - more negative than positive these days but i get so fooled by him. every. time. i don't believe him. i do. i don't understand.
anyway, there was a new guy at work that was cute. totally talked to him. sigh. why am i so dumb. i also was thinking if i had another thing with someone from work, that would make jon mad. and it'd be funny. he was cute. i think i push people away though. maybe i am too obtrusive or just not a person people want to be around. i can't be anyone but me. no one wants me. that's how i feel.
this is so pathetic.
i can never be happy.
i just want to like explode with emotion .. like popping a zit, and then it's just all gone. got all that taken care of, now i can move on. maybe it's the birth control hormones or something
maybe i need more friends, more distractions, more feeling of worth or that people care about me
in other news, i applied for tree and leaf - hopefully to screenprint for them
dream come true but i don't know if it's paid or even if they'll hire me
that would be awesome.
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[27 Jan 2010|10:32am] |
i keep having intensely visual dreams ... with people in them...
weird dreams are weird.
not looking forward to working with HIM today. hopefully someone will pick up for him
talked to the grad student teacher on facebook chat about cats and dogs.
weird conversations are weird.
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[26 Jan 2010|12:10am] |
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relationships give kind of the illusion of safety
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[25 Jan 2010|04:48pm] |
sam beer is a wonderful person
and his captions for is photography are strangely and surprisingly comforting
just what i needed
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[25 Jan 2010|04:24pm] |
i feel like i should apologize to everyone i've ever met
... for being myself.
i had a mini anxiety attack in the parking lot of target today, and i couldn't even pinpoint why.
jon is mad at me - won't tell me why and won't talk to me. very hard situation to be in when there are only 4 servers for a lunch shift and he's your partner.
that was awful
and then tori told me about a boy who reminded me very much of a situation i have been in before. if they don't want you now - they probably don't want you later - no matter how much you want them. you should not settle for being in someone's back pocket for a rainy day. and for anyone ever - how can you have sex with someone you don't love? how can you even do that? my heart really hurts for her - but the thing she needs to do is just move on. don't want him anymore - no matter how hard that is for you to do. firsts are the worst. i just really hurt for her. i feel like she is weaker than even i am.
it's no secret that everyone, makes unique mistakes - i know i've quite a few
i push people away apparently
i open my mouth too much
i can't not tell how i feel
do i just give everyone time? then i just let people slip away
maybe they want to ...
i just wish things were settled
but i can't do anything about it
i just need to keep my mouth shut i guess
the worst thing i do, but the best thing i could do.
my heart hurts
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[14 Jan 2010|01:13pm] |
i decided i'm going to start living more spontaneously.
and trying to hang out with as many people as possible
and reconnect with people
and not forget about them or take them for granted
so tonight i'm going to weatherford!
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[14 Jan 2010|12:51pm] |
ever since i've started my period, i've been craving chocolate non-stop.
and that was only yesterday - considering making cookies for breakfast/lunch
yesterday was a day. woke up fairly early by angry texts boy1 who is mad that i hung out/dated boy2 although we weren't together (and boy2 sucks anyway) "we just need some time" whatever.
but then i went to run. and that was great. and i will probably do that again today. and hopefully make it a new thing. i'm going to start working on myself a lot more - it's what i need to do.
then basically did nothing allllll day. UNTIL 2 IN THE MORNING when we took the most beautiful road trip to denton texas to get me my first slurpee. THAT WAS AWESOME. what awesome friends i have. i only wish i had not been so tired (i was heading to bed as it was decided that we needed to go) but it was still great. and made me very happy. that's like what i love.
trying to get by man
i have been so stupid in my life
so so so so stupid
you can't just erase things
but you can learn to accept things that happened and move on
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[05 Jan 2010|02:24pm] |
"I did not pick the wrong guys, they picked me"
Season 2 of sex and the city is probably my favorite.
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[04 Jan 2010|09:28pm] |
dumb boys are dumb.
I FEEL SO STUPID. CONTINUOUSLY.
way to make it worse.
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[02 Jan 2010|10:50pm] |
i am a mildly insecure person, thank you for letting me know and making it worse
thank you also for flirting with every other server in the restaurant and not even looking at me (even though you just stayed over last night...)
i feel so dumb. i told you this. now thank you for ignoring me
maybe that's what i need. just ignore me. then i can move on somehow
every guy ever should just ignore me.
that'll do wonders for my confidence... or maybe it'll force me to find someone in myself
or it'll make me lose it all
i'm so bitter
all the time
especially about guys
and maybe i am just dumb
and maybe i'm the problem
i don't know
i don't know what to do with myself
or what to think
or what to do about other people
i feel fooled in two different instances
and i have a headache that i don't know what to do with.
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[30 Dec 2009|11:58pm] |
why do i still want that?
i still don't know what to think
what does a new year mean?
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[30 Dec 2009|12:22pm] |
FIRST SECOND
too many people for the morning
bad news! bad news bad news bad news bad news!
must. finish. this comic. before 6 ....
you already failed
i don't care i like you
bbyyeeee
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[30 Dec 2009|01:13am] |
what am i thinking!??!
i don't even know right now
YNYNYNYNYNNNNNNYYYYYYNNN !?!?!?!
boys.
i want to give them up for 2010.
doubtful.
i'd die probably.
or be extremely sexually frustrated.
had one first and one second
mmmmm feist.
paper heart and 500 days of summer and bitter love and nonbitter love
and owning everyone at words with friends
it goes down easy
not even drinking
need to draw my bad/good/curl girl for my comic book stat. so far i have her killing birds because they are singing and she is trying to sing.
it's all so stupid
and i am so bad at it all, why do i suck at all things love and emotion?
and why are you kind of a baby about stuff?
and why do you never change?
boy called me on christmas at like 3 in the morning, telling me he wanted to marry me someday
told me today to not even think about marriage
how stupid
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