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Dont Go Away

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life of sin

10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, BORED!! [27 Dec 2003|03:11pm]
[ mood | bored ]
[ music | "God is a DJ" Pink ]

TEN MOVIES I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT
01 Gia
02 Girl, Interrupted
03 Schindler's List
04 Breakfast Club
05 L.I.E.
06 Grease
07 Titanic (shh)
08 Rules of Attraction
09 Braveheart
10 Fight Club

NINE ALBUMS THAT ARE IMPORTANT TO ME
01 Greenday - Dookie
02 Dashboard Confessional - The Places You Have Come to Fear the Most
03 Nirvana - Unplugged in New York
04 Nrivana - In Utero
05 Nirvana - Nevermind
06 Spinfire - Spinfire
07 The Verve Pipe - villains
08 ICP - The Great Milenko
09 Korn - Issues

EIGHT BANDS/ARTISTS I COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT
01 Nirvana
02 Coldplay
03 Social Distortion
04 ICP
05 Dashboard Confessional
06 Madonna
07 Green Day
08 Pink

SEVEN THINGS THAT ANNOY ME
01 Facists
02 Idiocy
03 My stepmom
04 Being compared to my sister
05 Hypocricy
06 My mom
07 Being cold

SIX OF MY FAVORITE SONGS AT THIS MOMENT
01 Radiohead - Creep
02 Hole - Celebrity Skin
03 Maroon 5 - She will be loved
04 Madonna - Erotica
05 Billy Bob Thornton - Angelina
06 ICP - Under the Moon

FIVE TV SHOWS I WATCH REGULARLY
01 will and grace
02 futurama
03 south park (usually)
04 ....
05 ....

FOUR OF MY ALL-TIME-FAVORITE BOOKS
01 Go ask Alice
02 I know this much is true
03 Heavier Than Heaven
04 Holes

THREE ALBUMS I'VE BOUGHT RECENTLY
01 S.T.U.N. - Evolution of Energy
02 The used - Maybe Memories
03 Mest - Mest

TWO PEOPLE I COULD LIVE WITHOUT
01 Martha Stewart
02 Dr. Phil

ONE THING/PERSON I COULD SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH
01 No Clue

2 Lived this life of sin

a not so merry christmas.. [25 Dec 2003|09:33pm]
Christmas was doing great this year. Everyone was happy, I wasnt that tired. My aunt wasnt snobby. But ..no..my mother, had to just come home and be the worlds biggest bitch. So, I'm sitting here avoiding her. I really do feel bad, considering my stepdad is getting all the torture. But, blah.

I'm really disliking my mom right now. And she has to be home all day tomorrow with me. I really hate days off.

I have nothing to rant about right now..but I promise you..I will eventually..and I shall return. MUHWAHAHAHA!

2 Lived this life of sin

ranting.. [25 Dec 2003|02:46am]
I've been staring at this blank box for at least 5 minutes trying to collect my thoughts to make some sort of sense. Honestly I don't think what follows this is going to achieve that. But I will do the best I can.

Fucking statements are given and looked upon as something to follow, a path or dot-to-dot of your life, why do that? Why does humanity have to settle in that position? Up is up, and down is down. No matter what someone says, that can't be changed. No, gravity is a force of this planet and gravity, surprise surprise, keeps everything pulled onto the ground. Does it? Isn't there a way too float, and be free of it? A way to rise to your limits and then fall to a crash against the cement below, only varied seconds after touching the sky? Yes. There. Is.

It takes a lot to say I love you, but if true. Feels a whole lot better. Sap? That was. What a pisser

Just forget me.
It's that simple.


Amanda's heart is on the floor. Why don't you step on it?

I'm under the impression that people dont know me that well..go figure. So..here we go:

My name is Amanda. My middle name is Symone. I have an obsession with Angelina Jolie and a crush on Tobey Maguire. Gia is my favorite movie. I love mountain dew but I'm not allowed to drink it anymore. I could live off of green olives. I'd like to be a vegetarian. I'm not punk so don't question that. I never sleep enough. My ex-boyfriend talked about us fooling around, and for that I hope he dies. I want to have my bellybutton pierced. I can suck my toes. This is boring me now so forget it. My AIM name is onecrazyhooper and I swear I'm not as bitchy as people make me out to be. Okay maybe I am, but I guess you can decide.

The end, have a good day. bye

2 Lived this life of sin

............*sigh* [25 Dec 2003|01:24am]
Well, merry Christmas. I woke up on Christmas Eve, only to find out my boyfriend dumped me. Oh fucking well. Not happy anymore I guess, and just to think...he made me believe in love. LIES LIES LIES! Fuck it. . .

Well, I already opened some of my gifts..heres a list of some of them..

*Tomb Raider 2 (dvd)
*The Bone Collector (dvd)..mm..angelina...
*A new pair of Converses
*THE TWO CHILDREN'S MADONNA BOOKS! =)
*A new bike..since I killed my old one lol this one is better
*other things I'm to lazy to list


I am happy for one thing though..IM FINALLY TALKING TO DEVON! haha. LUV U DEV!

Oh yes...I finally learned how to tie a necktie..I'm so groovy now. *coughs violently*

Well, I'm gonna watch my movie and screw around on the computer

Later...
great, my ex just got online blah...eh...
GURR

2 Lived this life of sin

whoa.. [23 Dec 2003|11:22am]
My sister got engaged last night. I'm surprised..Mike did the whole nine yards, on his knee and everything. Never would've expected that much out of him. Don't get me wrong...Mike is a cool guy, but he's just not mature enough for my sister. At least he's making and attempt, he's going to finish getting his GED. Which, is great because they have a baby on the way, and the two of them both need to be responsible and make some money.

Oh, look at me being all Dr. Phil.

But, I am extremely happy for her, and I wish them the best of luck.

I'm done being "Dr. Phil" now, you can stop grinding your teeth.

I am still extremely happy, and will be for the rest of my life...

I'm downloading more music..so I'll catch ya on the flip side

~Amanda

life of sin

[23 Dec 2003|01:48am]
[ mood | thankful ]

It's funny how, just as things start getting worse...something changes. You start to see the sun shining through the clouds again. You laugh and smile without any guilt, even if only for a minute. They say out of everything bad comes a little touch of good. It's true. I'm so happy. It's ridiculous. Yeah. It's definitely one of those memories to keep forever.


Edit: Hi i'm Amanda and I was your update whore today.

life of sin

[23 Dec 2003|01:27am]
[ mood | happy ]

1:09am

happy...
life is good

1 Lived this life of sin

just when you thought it was safe...she returns... [20 Dec 2003|01:40am]
[ mood | accomplished ]
[ music | "She Will Be Loved" Maroon 5 ]

Okay, I'm back now! Again.. I've been grounded. When am I not? So how has everyone been? I know life must have been SO hard without me here to be emo and the such.
Hold tight, as the journey unfolds...

Where to begin? Ah, yes...my relationship that I dont have. Who would've thought that you can talk about something that you dont have, with such detail and emotion? Love, I dont have it..plain and simple. That is what I lack, that is what I need. Someone. Emotion. Feeling. It's pretty hard seeing people falling in love all around me. And I just cant seem to make it work. Enough of that...

Next..

To quote my stepmom the bitch, "Felons cant become nurses. Well, not in the state of Florida. My mom just transfered to a hospital (she's a nurse.) and they had to do a background check..well.. She's a felon. 3 missdameanors...and something I found funny. She tried to run over my dad with a car once. Haha.

Why are my hands so cold right now?

Well, I hope that Sage is having a joyous time getting stoned right now. Chance dumped her, that is probaly why. . . . oh well.

On to a poem, then I'm done..

"My own Funeral" by: Amanda Hooper
I went to my own funeral today
The death of my sensitive side
I'm tired of being the heartbroken one
When I said that I loved you, I lied
You sat there and you raped my heart
Filled it with guilt and ate it too
All thats left is the nothing I had
I'm sick and tired of needing you
You are nothing, my nothing at all
You used to mean everything to me
You buried me at my own funeral
Now that I'm dead, I still bleed
Each drop of blood and each tear I've cried
Each fake smile for each time you'd laugh
Now dead to me, dead to the world
My love for you gone forever, not going back
I had taken the chance I never had
Held my breath, took down my walls
I was in the cemetery of broken hearts
You through me in my grave, killed it all
Now I say goodbye to my love for you
And just when I think I'm free
I realize without you I'm buried alive
There is nothing at all left of me

2 Lived this life of sin

Suicidal to Homocidal in the click of an email! [06 Dec 2003|10:29am]
These two emails are from my stepmom to me... and just for the record, I IM-ed her once! Then blocked her. Whats wrong with her? God! (i have a massive hangover)

Dear Amanda:
Almost 4 years ago, you and your mother lied and said you were moving to a apartment on 436. You nor your mother gave any consideration for anyone but your self's. Your mother at that time
Thought that her money for her blotched boob job was going to last forever. She also took advantage of the fact that the man here in Orange Co.... Her case worker had a heart attack and she left town without letting DFCS know she was going. I am turning all this information into the DFCS. Your mother collected money for child support even when we had legal custody of you. NO Not GORDON or I want to have any thing to do with you or your mother. We have reason to believe you are not Gordon's, also when you were here you hurt Sommer, That is why she remembers you. You slammed her
Finger and toes in the door and tore all the skin off. You are a lot like your mother I am not up to any more of the aggravation that comes with you and your mother. So just be glad you are getting the money and leave us alone. OR we are going to force the DNA
and see what the real truth is?? Someday I will send you your mothers records and you can see just what kind of person she is. I
can see you are going to follow her path. By the way your mom told you and us she was visiting her father on that trip she made when you were with us well she is lying to someone she told Gordon her father was dead. She threw a fit the day Gordon and I got married. Your mother has never been able to get anyone to marry her! None of you are welcome here if you come here again I will call the sheriff. So just for the sake of us all, have a good Holiday and stay away we won't be here anyway. But our house is being watched so don't get any Ideas about coming here and causing trouble. Have a nice life tell your mother to come clean and tell you the truth? if It is ever proved she will be paying back all the money she has taken from us over the years. Sincerly Mrs. G. H. Hooper


and the other...

That would be just what I would expect from your mother. She is teaching you well, only not the right things. In a nut shell we have
had peace and quite since you and she have gone. So lets just keep it that way! Is your mom back in Jail? Is that why you are IM-ing me like crazy? Or has that guy Joe figured her out? You have done just fine the last 31/2 years without us, so just carry on. Have a good life don't follow your mothers foot steps, and stay in school?
Things may turn out well for you if you do. By the way convicted felons are not allowed to be Nurse's. Your mom should stop telling that story. The people on Duo Lakes are still talking about her. And Laura and Sarah don't want anything to do with this situation either. Don't forget Donna you slapped Amy, she went to
her grave hating you. Her sister's have no love loss for you either. In fact I can't think of one person who cares you are back.



First off! I HATE HER!
Second! My mom never slapped Amy, to talk about my DEAD sister..just...gets to me! GOD!
Third! HE IS MY FATHER!
Fourth! My dad would never ever do or say that!

bye

1 Lived this life of sin

*yawns* its early... [05 Dec 2003|07:53am]
I have no idea why I am even online right now...It's 7:55 and I should be sleeping for another 20 minutes. I've been awake since 6:00 because my mom is so FUCKING LOUD in the mornings. So, blah. Now I'm adgitated..how lovely. At least I dont have to deal with me.

Joe and I already broke up..I find it quite funny if I do say so myself. And a day or two afterwards, Renee asked me out! So, I'll tell her my answer today. I love being difficult. Everything happens for a reason. If Joe didnt break up with me, I would've missed my chance. . . Wow. But, all and all I'm happy that we can still be friends.

I've been listening to the same song over and over again, it's called "Ball and Chain" by: Social Distortion. Here's some sample lyrics:

Well, it's been 10 years and a thousand tears, and look at the mess I'm in
A broken nose, and a broken heart
An empty bottle of gin.
Well, I sit and I pray in my broken down chevorlet
I'm singing to myself, "Theres got to be another way"
Take away, take away This ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I cant take anymore pain.


yeah, I love social distortion, bite me.

How does everybody like my icon and background? I do and thats all I care about. Notice the bitterness from lack of sleep? Told you.

I'm done now. okay bye.

You can run all your life, and not go anywhere

2 Lived this life of sin

*yawns* its early... [05 Dec 2003|07:53am]
I have no idea why I am even online right now...It's 7:55 and I should be sleeping for another 20 minutes. I've been awake since 6:00 because my mom is so FUCKING LOUD in the mornings. So, blah. Now I'm adgitated..how lovely. At least I dont have to deal with me.

Joe and I already broke up..I find it quite funny if I do say so myself. And a day or two afterwards, Renee asked me out! So, I'll tell her my answer today. I love being difficult. Everything happens for a reason. If Joe didnt break up with me, I would've missed my chance. . . Wow. But, all and all I'm happy that we can still be friends.

I've been listening to the same song over and over again, it's called "Ball and Chain" by: Social Distortion. Here's some sample lyrics:

Well, it's been 10 years and a thousand tears, and look at the mess I'm in
A broken nose, and a broken heart
An empty bottle of gin.
Well, I sit and I pray in my broken down chevorlet
I'm singing to myself, "Theres got to be another way"
Take away, take away This ball and chain
I'm lonely and I'm tired
And I cant take anymore pain.


yeah, I love social distortion, bite me.

How does everybody like my icon and background? I do and thats all I care about. Notice the bitterness from lack of sleep? Told you.

I'm done now. okay bye.

You can run all your life, and not go anywhere

2 Lived this life of sin

Ooey Gooey Crunchy Snacks. [27 Nov 2003|05:06pm]
I'm afraid I've forgotten who I am. I've been single for a few days and already I'm needing a relationship, I've forgotten my place in the functional development of the universe in general and humankind in particular. I've basically lost my direction. I think it was north by northeast, the last I checked. Anyway, in the unlikely event that I actually do get a significant other, I think I'd once again see myself as a useful organism, rather than a webpotato. Thing is, a relationship really shouldn't be the quintessential factor that defines who we are. There's some deep-rooted thingy telling me that. Anyway, back to the heart of my gripe. You see, I'm a good person, deep down past my "punkish" clothing. I'm smart. I'm good at knowing when and when not to pick my nose and stuff. And I still can't get the people I want. Can you believe someone once told me I was "too crazy" to go out with? OK, here's proof that I'm not really crazy. There are people out there in the world who actually trepan themselves, which is where you take a hand-held drill and bore a hole in your skull. See, trepanners believe that you reach a higher level of consciousness if you simply relieve all that nasty pressure on your brain. Since there isn't a single doctor that will do this for them (go figure), they are forced to do it themselves ... sometimes with the help of another trepannation fan, sometimes alone. There's actually a Trepannation Society.
Oh, so why aren't I crazy? I haven't bored a hole in my head yet.

They say one man's ceiling is another man's floor. That's so cool. In fact, I think I'll say it. One man's ceiling is another man's floor. Try it at home, and see how it feels. Go ahead. I'll wait.

If you're bored at home, lay down flat on your back on top of your desk, with your head hanging over the edge. Relax for a bit, focus on the ceiling, and then bit by bit, start to pretend you're walking on the ceiling. Imagine you have to step over all the stuff on the ceiling ... the light fixtures, the door jambs, everything. With a little practice, you can get really good at it, and eventually you'll totally freak yourself out, fully believing you're walking on the ceiling.
If some jerk comes in and distracts you, scream wildly because there's this GUY WALKING ON THE CEILING! They'll more than likely leave you to yourself to continue walking around on the ceiling.

I'm going to try this on tonight, because I think it shows a spice for life.

I just heard a news report that stated that women who drink 2-3 cups of coffee a day are 66% less likely to commit suicide. My guess is that they're too jittery to hold the gun still.

I wonder how many meals could've been provided to the homeless for the cost of that study? (Betcha didn't expect me to say that, now did ya?)

In my lifetime, I've done a lot of things for love (or indigestion, whichever the case may have been). These include, in no particular order, so if I've ever gone out with you, please don't bother trying to figure out who's who:

going to church
learning to play hockey
going for walks
generally acting stupid
pretending to enjoy music I don't really like
spending copious amounts of money
becoming a vegetarian (i'm done with that)
dealing with people I just didn't like
having beliefs I didn't really believe
beating people up
drinking/smoking
sex


Just think, if I ever dated anyone who was really into math or something, I could've been top of my class. Life's cruel mysteries, go figure.

But I have to go, Mommy dearest says so.

1 Lived this life of sin

and so she returns..yet again.. [27 Nov 2003|01:07pm]
As I right this...I'm in quite a pickle! A relationship dilemna if you will. And I swear this has nothing to do with Sage, I'm getting sick of her. WOW! Yeah, I said the words "Sage" and "sick of her" in the same sentence without placing "will never get" in between. BREAKTHROUGH! But, on with my dilemna..

Joe is my buddy. I love him soooo much, but as a friend. I dont want to go back out with him..and every phone conversation we have, despite the fact he has a girlfriend, he brings up us going back out one day. And, I just try to tell him and avoid the subject by saying, "I dont know the future." I mean, I dont want to lead him on in anyway and get his hopes high..only to turn him down, but ...god! I dont know. Part of me wants to be with him, but the other part is beating the shit out of the other part. How is this a dilemna you may ask? Well, on to the other part...
Renee (my verry good friend) is one of the coolest people I have ever encountered. And, I guess you could say I like her somewhat...and she told me as we were walking to her house that she liked me and if she didnt have a boyfriend, would ask me out. But I like her, but I just dont wanna go out with her and have to turn her down if she asked me out. The point I'm getting at is, I just dont want to hurt people...but at the same time..I just dont want to go out with someone I know I wont be devoted to and that I know I'm not in love with. BUT! Going out with someone could turn me in love with them..so god! WHAT DO I DO??? Someone just help me okay? I'm in the biggest state of mental debate I've been in ever since I wondered how people get pleasure out of...teasing me because I'm bi. I'm still human, and I still get my feelings hurt and pissed off. GOD! But, I'll rant about that in some other post..

Okay I'm done

7 Lived this life of sin

ahhhh! [13 Nov 2003|05:17pm]
HMMM! Who finds this..eh..disturbing? Raise your hand.

"hey this is just me i was wondering how you were doing and i wanted you to know i still love u and i havn't talked to you in a while and i will be on tonight hope you will

Luv LOTS Navarre Bents your dream machine


Navarre Bents "

*Jumps up and down and raises hand* I DO! OH GOD! NAVARRE? Oh wow. nothing to say bout that but...uuuuuugh! He was a one time mistake...the boy really needs to stop...thats why I blocked him! god! every fucking time he talks to me!!!!! *throws up*

2 Lived this life of sin

IM BACK! (sorry for the...er...vacation?) [13 Nov 2003|04:48pm]
Okay, well whoever reads this...your probaly wondering where I've been or..maybe you have missed me? lol. Chances are you havent, but yeah. Here goes..the past...well month?

Well, I have sucessfully put my heart into 3 peoples hands...and..they are just ripping it up so to speak. Sage, for one, completely destroyed my ability to love anyone right now. I am completely anti-love and anti-emotion right now. She has taken everything I've ever given her and everything I've ever felt about her..and threw it all in a burning fiery hell. She's eaten my heart, she's fucked with my sence of self, and anything you could ever imagine. And the funny thing is, I still continue to give her things, I still continue to love and long for her...and she does her job and continues to ignore me when she doesnt want anything and continues to abuse me with the looks she gives me and the things she says to me. I'm such a fucking puppet! And I have a wrist and a broken heart to prove it.

Amanda Marconi is really...effecting me right now. She told me that she liked me and all this SHIT and that she'd go out with me when she breaks up with her boyfriend...blah blah blah. BUT! Yet she well...comes on to me all the freaking time and completely gets to me and then goes and "I love Bradley, I'm never breaking up with him...blah blah blah" WHAT KIND OF SHIT IS THAT?!?!?!?

And I guess Adrian (my boyfriend, yes i know its wrong to love other people while going out with someone) We've been going out for a month or so now...and he ignores me at school and then when I'm at his house...tries to do stuff...AM I JUST A SEX OBJECT? GOD DAMN!

I'm just fed up with everything love. I guess I'll stay with Adrian, despite my unhappiness...give to Sage, despite her greediness, like Amanda M. . . despite her flirting...and stay alive, despite my broken soul.

No word from my dad still, my stepmoms still a bitch and wont let me call him...so fuck that shit.

WELL! I'd LOVE writing more...but I have a movie to watch, Sage to love, a poem to write, homework to do, green hair dye to put in, and a phone call to make (if sarahs not at drivers ed or whatever).

But, I'll update more..i promise..bye.

your lord and master,
Amanda

1 Lived this life of sin

FUCK FUCK FUCK...JUST FUCK [21 Oct 2003|05:25pm]
[ mood | FUCK ]
[ music | FUCK FUCK FUCK ]

on with the fuckage...

fuck you mom for being such a bitch all the time and for not giving a shit about what I think or how I feel. fuck you for trying to pick out every single one of my flaws and giving me shit about them hoping to make me feel more like shit than I already do. fuck you for hating me, for being so senile, naive, and stubborn, for being so jealous and depressed. fuck you for smoking. fuck you for not giving a shit about me and always relating the mistakes I make to dad's past just because you're afraid that if you let me speak what I think I might actually have a worthwhile thought in my head and prove you wrong. fuck you for wanting to find 'god'. fuck you for ever fucking my dad and having me, for bringing me into this world that I hate. fuck everything about you. fuck you for hitting me. fuck you for making me cut myself. fuck you for not understanding one single thing about me. fuck you. I fucking hate you with all that I'll ever have.

fuck you jasmine for being such a great sister and making me feel so low. fuck you for being so good at every fucking thing you ever try and showing off what a worthless piece of shit I am.

fuck sage for being so beautiful.

fuck sarah for caring about me.

fuck me for caring so much about sarah and loving her just a tad bit too much.

FUCK!

life of sin

[21 Oct 2003|04:53pm]
[ mood | complacent ]
[ music | "daddys little defect" sugarcult ]

I'm bouncing off the walls again
I'm looking like a fool again
I threw away my reputation
One more song for the radio station

I'm bouncing off the walls again
I'm looking like a fool again
Waking up on the bathroom floor
Pull myself together just to fall once more

And my heart's still beating out of my chest
And this town is still making me sick
And every penny from my last paycheck
I've blown on you

I'm bouncing off the walls again
I'm looking like a fool again
So go ahead and take a picture
And hang it up so you can tear me down

I don't care
Cause I'm still here
And I've got nothing to lose
With all the years I wasted on you

Mom and Daddy got the best cocaine
Ritalin's never gonna feel the same
Twenty-four hours on an empty brain
I got my finger on the trigger and you're in the way

I'm bouncing off the walls again
I'm looking like a fool again
I threw away my reputation
One more song for the radio station

I'm bouncing off the walls again
I'm looking like a fool again
I'm bouncing off the walls again
I'm looking like a fool again
I'm bouncing off the walls again



Adrian and I are running away together. Tell all our friends we're dead.

Well, Havent updated in forever. Well, a real update anyway. I saw my dad on Saturday. And its funny, because I really lost all of my anger towards him the minute he hugged me and told me he loved me. I..I love him..what more can I say? (joe just got here) lol...but BACK TO THE SUBJECT! It was weird realizing how much I truely loved and missed him...god! UGH! I am one confusing human being. very very confusing.

But, me and Adrian are going out now. I reallly reallllllly like him too. ALOT..yeah. (monica just threw a sock at me..how nice) lol.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH FERRAN IS SEXY! sorry just had to include that...well bye!
~me

2 Lived this life of sin

Guess whose back monkey? [14 Oct 2003|06:05pm]
YO! I'm back..oh joy. let the emo begin! not really in THIS post. ive been grounded for a while..my mom saw the carving of Sage's name on my leg. anywho..LET ME PUT THAT ALL BEHIND ME!

so.. I went to the zoo with my sister on friday. fun fun! she called and wanted to see waht i wanted to do.. and i didnt have school so i was like, "lets to the zoo!" and so we went...
me and joe broke up..and yeah..so thats all good cuz were friends. mono is more sad about it than i am! and thats freaky! but yeah..

my aunt got lypo yesterday..shes all bruised and shnit..i dont know why she got it..shes skinny already.

My tears make, my palms shake, whenever I look into your eyes..The sun seems to fall and the moon seems to rise"

Monica aka MONO..wrote taht and I can really relate to that i guess..its fucking stuck in my head. *sends mono to go get me and kenny a pepsi, grabs kenny's ass!* lol *kenny sits by me* kenny is my next victim..he doesnt know that though! lmao. but ya


Sarah, I've stopped cutting myself and carving..so yeah..sorry about that whole mess..it wont happen again I swear. And as far as sage being my best friend, you know thats not true...you know that

*opens a pepsi, fizz comes out* lol hate when that happens..in lunch i was drinking a frutopia thing-a-ma-bobber and it all came out my nose..monica and steph wouldnt stop laughing ..i couldnt breathe..funny as fuck..

lmao lauren is coming out of the speaker
lol
anyway..

so yeah cant think of anyting..bye
XamandaX

AM I BREAKIN..UR CONSINTRATION!

5 Lived this life of sin

im at school..funny huh? [03 Oct 2003|02:54pm]
This keyboardsucks. GURR! The space bar barely...works. Oh well. I'm very depressed right now. Forget my last post..suicide may be the best thing that could ever happen to me. I want to die. Sage is going out with Chance..haha Chance. Chance is what I thought I had..guess not. Oh yeah, I carved her name into my fucking leg...deep enough to scar. Stupidity? Thats a big "yeah". I also carved my initials into Monica's leg today in Gym..we're really getting into this whole "carving" thing. Oh yeah!

Wow, I'm freaked out..today I was sad and sitting in a corner in the locker room (cuz Sage told me she was going out with Chance) and 4 preps came up to me and I WAS SURROUNDED! And that was weird because for the first time I was surrounded by preps and i wasnt...a)beaten up..b) made fun of..or ..c) beaten up or made fun of them. And Janie (the.."leader of the group"..god i hate preps) put her arm around me and said if I ever needed to talk to someone..she would be there for me. FREAKY!!!!! Janie..the one who tormented me the first week of school with her friend Brianna (who i hate with a burning firey passion) I'm so lost right now. But I have to go get back to Art (im in the librarry now). Ouch my leg hurts..oh and and...I STARTED CARVING SARAHS NAME INTO MY LEG..OUCH..BUT IM NOT DONE YET...peace!

I hate my self! ~Amanda

1 Lived this life of sin

........might as well live... [28 Sep 2003|01:47am]
[ mood | pleased ]
[ music | "Hands down" Dashboard Confessional ]

Razors pain you
Rivers Are Damp
Acids Stain You
Drugs Cause Cramp
Guns Aren't Lawful
Nooses Give
Gas Smells Awful
You Might As Well Live


I saw that and really began to think...suicide would suck. Why have I ever tried it? Why have I ever thought about it? Why? There really is no point. Mayra really got me thinking today. Straight edge. No drugs, no alchohol, no sex-related-things, nothing like that. I'm going straight edge. This doesn't mean I'm gonna be a little goodie goodie, I'm just not going to do things that are self-harming..and yes, sex-related-things can be dangerous.

An update on Sage: Well, she said she's not mad at me over last weekend anymore..she never really was. She was just "freaked out and it felt awkward." I couldnt agree more, and I can barely remember! So, we've talked a tad bit more than nothing lately. Hmmm. Why do I love her so much? Could someone please exlain that to me. God, my profile on AIM is completely about her. Hooked.

Monica is really starting to scare me. Monica..if you read this..I'm really worried about you, me and Kayla both. You mean alot to me and you are one of my best friends and I dont want anything happening to you. Just promise me that you will be safe...no more of the cutting..please? I'm asking you that as a friend. I love ya Mono.

~~~~~~~~~~~~



I'm tired. Kayla is sleeping, I'm at her house right now. Today we went water skiiing and tubing from the back of her boat. It was pretty fun. Kayla gets freaked out easily by spiders, and when we got in the tube (three person tube) she said, "There better not be any spiders.." and 10 seconds after she said that, I looked down and a daddylongleg was crawling up my leg. I was like, "Uh..SPIDER!" and tried to get it off..Kayla was freaking out, I was hanging half way out of the tube thing and her lil brother was trying to pick it up to throw out. Great Holly Jolly Fun.
I had to flush Kayla's dead goldfish down the toilet. *shivers*.

I dont know what else to write right now...I think I'll wake Kayla up so we can go watch some movies on the HUGE screen. Not big, HUGE!

make love, not war...
Amanda

My hopes are so high that your kiss might kill me. So wont you kill me so I die happy?

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