Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Morgana's Blurty:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Saturday, January 10th, 2004
7:57 pm	Blahhhhh I just feel so unapart of everything (Comment on this)
2:35 pm	The brushing of teeth So there it is. I'm standing in the bathroom and I glance at my toothpaste. And I look at was once my very cool 2 in 1 toothpaste by colgate. And even stands up staright. toothpaste! That stands up straight! kids these days. Anyway but then I look over and my mom has bought me new toothpaste by rembrandt. And it's 3 in 1! And it was taller and sleeker. This 3 in 1 toothpaste well...it was depressing. Current Mood: contemplative (1 Comment |Comment on this)
11:07 am	Why did the phone have to wake me up? I just dont know anymore...about anything...fuck it i dont think i even care... Sincerly, Morgana Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 8th, 2004
4:44 pm	hmmm I fucking hate life right now. How come stuff bad always happens to me? I want to go away...very far away from here. Last night mom came in my room to get my clothes to do laundry and i picked my pants up and my ligher fell out. She thought i quit smoking...well mom i didnt so piss the fuck off. I hate. Just in general. Everything is so fucked up right now. I feel like i always complain. Why cant i just be happy for once? I like being wtih Jason. Just living here is killing me. I dont want Adam to move. I want to do good in school, but i dont want to have to work at it. How does mom not notice somethings wrong with me? This is the first year since the 7th grade that i've failed a class, i smoke, im always tierd, i lock myself in my room, and im just not acting like i did last year. I guess its the depression built up. Fuck how i hate.... Sincerly, Morgana Current Mood: depressed Current Music: Myself playing the guitar (Comment on this)
Monday, January 5th, 2004
5:24 pm	Why must we have the need to choose just to feel apart of something? I just read Andys Lj and then Vickis. Vick makes it out like she has to chose between a boyfriend and a best friend. Well in the position shes put herself in her bestfriend is her boyfriend. I enjoy Andys company a lot. I guess i can always see her as someone that i can count on, a person that will always be there for me, and understand the problems needed to do with person life along with family stuff. I think the problems with relationships now adays, and when i say relationship i mean with friends and your significant other, is that people feel like they need a place to belong. A group to define who they are or arent. the mothers home so more on that later Sincerly, Morgana (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 3rd, 2004
5:49 pm	Yay...yeah that was sarcastic So i went to Union today at like 1:15 and no one was there so i walked around for a while and came back at like 2. When i g ot back Jp and Tom were there so i sat and hung out with them for a while and i put my head phones on like an hour later, and i look across the street and see Jason. (At that point Jp gives me a little grin and tells me to look.) So i said hi, and he sits next to me and says "Hey sweetie". We talked for a little bit and then Chris and Clark come and they all start skating but before they do Jason took off his sweatshirt and wrapped it around me because i was cold. After that he didnt talk to me. I dont know why i'm so upset...oh right it could probably be because i like him. I feel like such an ass for making a big deal about how hes not my boyfriend. Whatever Jason doesnt like me and i need to get over that. Fuck. Why does this always happen to me i meet a great guy we hook up and talk and then just like that he no longer likes me...well i dont even know if Jason even liked me in the first place. The funny thing is that two weeks ago today was the last time i saw Jason before he left. I really wanted to ask if he wanted to come over tonight to watch a movie but i guess i didnt because mom would have killed me if i did because shes a cunt. I walk in the door and mom makes a big deal about how i left right after she did, and then she was like "i hope that you didnt make plans for tomorrow". My god does she always have to be like this? I mean come on give me a fucking break every now and then! I dont want to fucking live here anymore. My mom is killing me by being the fucking alcoholic that she is, my dad is killing me by his fucking lectures, and Adams killing me because we're finally close and he's moving away for fucking collage. I'm just fucking sick of everything right now, and i have no one to talk to about it. Like i want to talk to Jason about it, but like i dont know it would be weird especially since he doesnt really like me (or so i think), and i want to talk to Lucas about it but i dont want to freak him out, it would be kind of weird to say to Lucas "Hey Lucas whats up? Yeah i act happy all the time but im really suicidal. So hows your day?" I just really need a friend to live close by. Oh and fuck you just for....well i cant think of anything but fuck man...fuck Sincerly, Morgana Current Mood: pissed off Current Music: Thursday (Comment on this)
12:04 pm	Dry I think Amarilla's mad at me. Or that something's really wrong. Its weird but i sence these things. I want to help her but i dont think that there's really anything i can do other then to just be there for her. Oy vey. i keep thinking about Jason. I want him to call.... Sincerly, Morgana Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Friday, January 2nd, 2004
4:57 pm	My hair smells good This is such a ridiculously long survey.... The Generic Teenager Stereotype Do you drink [alcohol]?: Yes. Do you party a lot? How often?: Oh jeah! when ever my friends are going Do you use drugs for recreational purposes?: no comment How often do you use the word like in an average hour?: a few times Do you skip classes? How often?: I used to skip a lot but then my grades dropped i try not too Do you have casual sex? Protected?: ha. ha ha. no. Do you steal?: Just from my friends...well i just borrow from them...so no Do you wear inappropriate clothing?: at times yes Do you watch a lot of TV?: oh yeah Do you ever watch the News?: Not really Do you even care about world issues?: sometimes. other times it just makes me mad Do you read books often?: when i get the time Are you failing a lot of your classes?: yeah unfortunetly Do you spend most of your time with your friends?: yup or locked up in my room Do you smoke cigarettes?: yes Do you hang out a lot in malls, or at Seven Elevens?: there no malls where i live... Do you often find yourself with a crush on someone?: i have a crush on everyone Do you cuss a lot?: yes, but i would never call it cussing, thanks. Are you desperate to fit in?: no thats stupid just be yourself Are you intelligent?: It depends on the topic The Goth Stereotype Black lipstick?: not unless theres a reason. like trying to scare small children Black eyeliner?: Yes...well black on the bottom navy blue on the top Black eyeshadow?: more like a charcoal Black trenchcoat?: nope Black boots?: I have but theyre not mine Black fishnets?: Only on occasion Black nail polish?: I used to but then i ran out Cigarettes?: yes Heavy metal music?: rarely Marilyn Manson?: Not at all Kittie?: nope. Cradle of Filth?: are we just naming bad metal? is that what were doing? Constant frown and perpetual angst?: angst sometimes. never constant. Do you like to be seen as: Gothic? No. Are you an intellectual?: What is it with these stupid questions? An atheist?: sometimes Horrible home life?: yes Hopelessly depressed?: yeah... Suffering with suicidal idealations?: used to now its just every now and then Self-mutilation?: Not so much The Punk Stereotype Plaid?: Do pjs count? Big black boots?: nope Mohawk?: would look silly on me Excessive piercings? [Especially facial]: My belly was but now just my ears Loud, confident and opinionated?: Yes Wild hair colors?: Used to be pink then blue now back to blond NOFX?: not so much Rancid?: eh Well versed on political scandals and outrages?: i dont care The Jock Sterotype What's your IQ?: i dont think ive had it tested... Do you watch a lot of sports?: no Play a lot of sports?: Does ping-pong count? Talk a lot about sports?: no. Do you do anything, really, but think about sports?: everything. Are you arrogant?: sometimes Are you a male or female whore?: I'm female but i wouldnt call myself a whore Are you homophobic?: not in the least bit. hooray for gay, in fact. Do you tease other people a lot because you want to seem confident?: no. i tease them because its funny. and they tease me too. its all good. But really you're a quivering mass of insecurity?: sometimes Boobs = yes?: ::looks down:: why, yes! Parties = yes?: i suppose. Dropping out of high school and flipping burgers = yes?: no. nonononono. The Girl Stereotype Do you spend a lot of time on your appearence?: Yeah but thats because i have OCD Have you ever been on a diet?: yes How much did you lose?: couple pounds Was it not so much a diet as it was an eating disorder?: Oh eating disorders.... Make yourself throw up?: ::runs to the bathroom and vomits:: no never! Make-up?: its pretty. Low-cut tops?: when the boobies want to say hello. How big are your boobies? [Cup size]: Small Do you flip your hair when you talk, even if you don't realize it?: i think so. ive caught myself a couple times Giggle a lot?: Only when things are funny What's the deal with boys?: i dunno what IS the deal? and whats the deal with girls? whats the deal with teenagers? Thongs?: Yup yup, not at first but now...oh jeah! Pretty bras?: need some YM, Teen, Cosmo, et al?: make me want to barf Who's the weaker sex?: no such thing Are you a feminist?: not really Do you think Brad Pitt is hot?: hes handsome. not my favorite of the male species but a good lookin fella How often do you shave your legs?: A lot in the summer, not as much in the winter How about your armpits?: same. more often than legs cuz its quick n painless Are you emotional?: Come on do you have to ask that one?! Especially when on your period?: You're retarted This Or That [Oh, that old coconut.] Originality or Acceptance?: originality. acceptance is bullshit if its one or the other. people should accept originality Independence or Companionship?: Independence. companionship can let you down Stability or Freedom?: Freedom Personal or Interpersonal?: dunno Introvert or Extrovert?: Dont know what that is so i wont answer Popularity or Isolation?: real popularity or "popularity"? because no one really like "popular" kids Unique or Loved?: Loved Understood or Individual?: what- is this what we are? or what we prefer? i dont think im very well understood which is probably my own fault. You or Them?: what? WOWZA! that took such a long time, that was a waste wait a minute no it wasnt i wasnt doing anything to begin with...ok now im hungry again! Sincerly, Morgana Current Mood: bored (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 1st, 2004
5:59 pm	Wowza LIST! Ok this list isnt going in order i dont think...ok well i just start with....Monday ill label as i go along if i can remember when what happend when...so bare with me... Monday -Andy came over -Went out to lunch with her and ate some Nemo (sushi) -Went to Union hung out with the crew -Dimitri Drew Dana Deb Danielle Marty Remy Chris came and hung out -Andy slept over -Hung out with the crew at night -Bought drinks -Got a little tipsy -Andy slept over Tuesday -Andy left -Hung out with Allison and the crew -Went to Allisons Wednesday -Went to Allisons -Hung out at Union with the crew -Allison came over -We lied successfully to our parents -Went back to Union -Went to Jacksons with Misha Cosmo Jp Chris Allison Clark Candy and Jackson -Watched videos -Drank and smoked -Went into fetal position because i was wasted -It turned midnight (and i soberd up a lot) -Hooked up with Allison and Clark -Left Jacksons -Got home at like 12:50am -Allison stayed over Today -Hung out at home -Went to Allisons -Went to Union hung out with Allison Misha and Lucas -Went back to Allisons and watched part of Fight Club -And then came home So pretty much New Years Eve was a big hit. I had soooo much fun!! But i really wish that Jason was there. Chris said that he spoke to Jason a while ago durring the break (Jasons aways snowboarding with his family) and he said that Jason asked how i was. Allison also said that a while ago when everyone was at fat Alex's house Cosmo asked Jason "Whats up with you and Morgan?" and Jason said that he really likes me. So i dont know whats up with that hes still not back from vacation and i dont know when hes getting back. And it was kind of weird that i hooked up with Clark like i didnt expect him to hook up with me because he doesnt seem like the kind of guy that would do that and because hes good friends with Jason. And if Jason finds out that i hooked up with Clark and Allison it doesnt matter because its not like Jasons my boyfriend. And yes im going to stretch that Jason IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND. But i really want him to be because i really really like him. Moms being a cunt she told me that i've been on the run all vacation. First of all thats a fucking lie because she wont let me do anything. And because i acually havent done like anything. And its my fucking vacation let me have a little bit of fucking freedom! So yes to sum everything up i like Jason he's unfortunetly not my boyfriend and my mother is being a cunt. So i dont know what i'm doing tomorrow probably going to Union or seeing Allison but i'm really tierd and i dont feel like going to Union because i hate walking there because i go there like every day and i go to Allisons a lot. well i'm going to go pretend that i'm doing homework. Sincerly, Morgana P.S. i miss Jason Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Hot Hot Heat (Comment on this)
Friday, December 26th, 2003
5:58 pm	Badabadabooo I wrote a new song yesterday...well two, and i wrote music to one of them. so heres the song that i wrote music to i hope you enjoy! The tears flood my face I look at this place Wonder why it depresses me Look out the window It's nothing new Wish it were a brand new day Empty and alone Can't go home They dont understand Can't lend a hand The door is locked tight Can't do nothing right I call but you can't hear me The pills on my bed Are not for my head They're what i use to free me So thats it. Today i hung out with Lucas Cosmo Clark and Matt Little (fucking rapist). So Lucas and me hung out for a while and then went to Union, and met up with people. I need to think of a way to find out if Lucas likes Allison because they would be so perfect together. I cant wait for Jason to come back on Tuesday! (I'm pretty sure that he's coming back on Tuesday because he said a week.) I'm talking to Andy right now. She's coming over on Monday for....EXTREME MONDAY! We're going to go the Sea Port for some brunch and then go down town probably to Union to meet people, and then we're going to have some Linner, and then some Dinsert. I cant wait to see her. I havent since Vickis thing. We're going to have so much fun...unless theres another blackout. Last time Andy came over it was the day of the black out. Well it looks as though mom and dad are going to leave for dinner, and Adam Jacob and Eden are leaving for Madelines party so i shall go. Sincerly, Morgana Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: Fly on the Wall- AC/DC (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 25th, 2003
10:20 pm	Ahhh I'm so fucking frustrated and pissed off right now! No ones online to talk to. Amarillas in North Carolina and she wont be back until Tuesday or Wenesday, Allison is somewhere at a funeral and wont be back until Sunday, and Jason is somewhere snowboarding with his friend and wont be back until Tuesday. The distant family came over today and it was retarted. I locked myself up in my room, and sat at my desk with my sketch book...i couldnt draw. Whatever i would start to draw would look like shit and then i would get even more pissed off. Something that really made me think is how a while ago when i told Adam that i tried to commit suicide, he said i shouldnt because i would miss out on everything like waking up Christmas morning and going to the front to see all of the presents, thats such a good feeling. But this year...i didnt care. The feeling wasnt there. I dont think thats good. I want to tell Adam but he'll think of something to make it out like im just older...but i think it's more then that. Something else thats making me upset is that i havent been outside in two days. Tomorrow i'm going to stores to return stuff and then going to Union to see who's there. I miss Jason. I wonder if he thinks about me...I'm gaining weight. I'm paranoid. I'm in such a horrible mood right now. I feel like i have no one, even though i do. Like at home i dont feel like i belong. Yes i have Union...but i dont know...its weird i just feel... unwanted i guess. I dont know. I wish Jason were here so i could talk to him. He's nice to talk to. Well i'm going to go sit and be grumpy. Happy nondenominational gift giving day to all and to all a good night... or lack there of. Sincerly, Morgana Current Mood: cranky Current Music: Back in Black- AC/DC (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 21st, 2003
3:17 pm	School please end soon List time... -I hate Jason -No i really really like him -I'm not sure if he likes me -He doesnt want a girlfriend right now -He hasnt IMd me since i asked what him and i are -Jason Chris Cosmo Allison Misha Turner Lucas and i think maybe someother people got high and drunk last night, im jelous that i wasnt there -I feel like i'm not part of the group, like i just dont have any friends in general -I know i do, i just feel like i dont -Dimitri IMd me today just to say that he misses me -I went to Union today and hung out with Chris and Cosmo they kept on singing, it was funny -I painted a lot this morning, and im going to paint some more in a little bit -I havent smoked in 2 days, and i really need a cig -I want sudafed -Practically every item on this list has started with 'I' -Damnit i'm selfish -School ends on Tuesday -Jason leaves on Tuesday -I want to see Jason before he leaves -Carrie said that i shouldnt get too attached incase i get hurt -Too late im attached, and already hurt -I feel so empty -I hate this -Fuck Sincerly, Morgana Current Mood: moody Current Music: RENT (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 20th, 2003
10:43 pm	The heart is a silly thing Please just rip my heart out again. Why does this always happen to me? I went to Jasons house today. It was nice we laid on his bed and kinda cuddled. We then went to Union to meet up with people. I asked him "what are we?" and he said that he just broke up with his girlfriend a couple months ago, and they went out for like 1 and ahlaf years, and he doesnt want a girlfriend. Wow that made me feel like shit. but he did say maybe later he might. wow i want a boyfriend and he doesnt want a girlfriend. So if people ask what he is i'm just going to say "a boy" not anything special just "a boy" in general. But he does like me...i think...i guess...i hope. Sincerly, Morgana Current Mood: annoyed (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 17th, 2003
10:09 pm	Yay Jason and me kissed In the rain Well it was just sprinkling out He said that he waited two days to kiss me He said that he wished that he did it sooner Wow he's so right for me We're going to hang out on Friday And then all day Saturday He's leaving on Sunday to go away for a week I'm going to miss him...a lot Sincerly, Morgana Current Mood: giddy (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
5:21 pm	toothpicks Yesterday Jason picked me up from my guitar lesson. We walked around for a while, and then we sat on the ledge thing. We talked for like ever. I sat on his lap and he rapped his arms around me. But then his pants started vibrating, it was his cell phone. Later on he walked me to my dads, we hugged and kissed each other on the cheek. Later on when i went home i got online and Jason IMd me and we talked for a while and then i had to eat dinner so i put my awaymessage on and it said "If this is Jason do you remember how we talked about like and hour later you wish you said or did something differently? Yeah well that happend tonight." When i got back to my computer from eating dinner i had four messages and they were all from him. He said "Wow i swear i was going to ask you the same thing. For me, it was that i wished i kissed you." And then i IMd him and said yeah i wish i kissed you also. And he was like "Yeah after i typed that in i walked away from my computer muttering to myself 'Jason...your and idiot'" So i told him that when i see him on Wednesday i'm going to kiss him, and he was like "Oh yeah me too!". I like him alot. I sould be happy, shouldnt i? But i'm not. I still feel really...empty. I dont know why. At Union today we were all sitting and i wasnt really part of the group, and i was bored so i just got up and left. I didnt say bye, and no one really noticed. Fuck. Thats all i have to say. Thats all i ever have to say. Bye for now i guess. Sincerly, Morgana Current Mood: sad (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 14th, 2003
4:20 pm	Oh the snow So something i forgot to mention about yesterday is that when i was with Amarilla we were at Union waiting for Bruno and this lady walked up to Amarilla and me and asked if we wanted to modle for "Teen People Magazine". so i might be modling for them. Today was rather dull. when i woke up with morning the first then that came to mind was "Jason!". He called today while i was out i'm really pissed off because if i was home i probably could have seen him. So i went out to get Jessie and Jasmine there gifts. And on my way home i saw Chris, Cosmo, and Misha. I hung out with them for like a half hour and then i went home. I'm bored. I really want to see Jason, or talk to him, but mainly hang out with him. Sincerly, Morgana Current Mood: sleepy (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 13th, 2003
11:21 pm	hehehehe yay! Just spent the last two hours on the phone with Jason He's amazing We talked about parents old tv shows new tv shows school and just Everything I mentiond last night and how people went over to me and said stuff And i told him that when people said that i was like he was drunk so fuck off He told me that he was drunk Not dalusional He ment everything he said unless it was bad, which it wasnt He also told me that when he first saw me that he thought that i was The most gorgeous girl he's ever seen He said that he would try and get to the city early tomorrow so we can hang out He lives in the city, but he's at his country house Wow he's great. Just please... Dont break my heart Sincerly, Morgana Current Mood: Flipsy-dipsy (Comment on this)
5:51 pm	Sexy frog So its been a while. I'm still grounded and i got my report card on Tuesday, not good, and Tuesday was also Lucas's birthday. Yesterday i went to therapy, and then to Union. Allison, Cosmo, Chris, Jason, JP, Bruno, and some asian kid that i dont know we all drank at like 8. We went to some Chruch and drank in the outer garden thing it was really cool/fun. Everyone there was smashed, it was so funny. I didnt drink, i only had some sips of Allisons Smirnoff. i didnt drink because i was on sudafed. (all together i probably took around 11 but it was early in the day so it wore off) So anyway... Jason and me hung out all night. I met him befor, but i didnt know his name until last night. So i was like "Hey Jason you're really hott" and he was like "I'm too drunk to take that as a compliment". So we flirted A LOT. and everyone kept telling me to hook up with him, but Bruno said that i shouldnt. So i left a little after 9:30. After i left Allison told me that Jason wouldnt stop talking about me. He is SO hott and he's SO funny and cute!! So also after i left Allison and Chris hooked up. And i think that Bruno likes Allison and if he does then they should go out because they would be really really cute together, but it might be weird because Bruno liked Allisons little sister Jane. Oh and Jason gave Allison his number to give to me. I called him there and he didnt answer so i left a message. I'm going to go straighten my hair, and then go to Union to see who's there and then get me some dinner! good night for now! Sincerly, Morgana Current Mood: flirty Current Music: Hot Hot Heat (Comment on this)
Friday, December 5th, 2003
7:48 pm	Oh the world It's snowing. Today was pretty boaring. Tommy and Jenny are fighting, its stupid and annoying when they dont talk, theyll be friends by monday. I haven't seen Lucas in like two weeks, i havent seen Chris in a week, and i saw Cosmo like two days ago. I want to see them so badly! I have to get ungrounded. Amarilla and me think that Chris likes me. Last Sunday when Amarilla, Chris, Cosmo and me hung out Chris was doing madus flirting with me. And then he held my hand. It was cute. But i wouldn't go out with Chris for a couple reasons...heres another list... Reasons why i wouldnt go out with Chris -He goes out with girls for like two weeks and then breaks up with them -Allison likes him -I like Lucas -It would be weird because him and me are just friends Those are the main reasons to why i wouldnt go out with him. Tomorrow its supposed to snow like 12 to 18 inches. I really wanted to go to do holiday shopping, and go to Union to see people. Ahhh. If i cant go out tomorrow because of the snow then i'm going to die from a)lack of cig b)being with my mom all day, and c)i just cant be in my house all day, theres nothing to do here. So life has been being really stupid lately. And no i dont wish to elaborate on that statement. So i'm going to go get another candy bar, and sit and watch t.v., and just well...be grounded...and do things that grounded people do. Sincerly, *Morgana* Current Mood: lonely (Comment on this)
Saturday, November 29th, 2003
6:28 pm	Whats that about? Due to the life i dont have i was re-reading my journal entrys and i realized that i forgot a very important entry. I know that this is very very late and im sure the few of you that read this probably know already, but on October 21 Elliott Smith died at the age of 34. He stabbed himself. He was a famous singer/song writter. RIP Elliott Smith 1969-2003 Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Either/Or -Elliott Smith (Comment on this)