Friday, April 4th, 2003

Subject: After meeting news Time: 6:33 pm. Mood: giddy. Music: Madonna: Die Another Day.

Yay! We had a gay club meeting this evening! Lots of fun, and I'm now the treasurer of the gay club. Wee! Casey and Jen are so cute together. They reminded me a lot of Alex and me, except with more breasticles and less of the male 'thing'. :-) I know either Casey or both of them are reading this now and busting out laughing, but it's true. You two are just adorable together and made me long to see my darling prince. Anyway, speaking of mon amour, we're going to the Crossroads Film Festival tonight. Should be really cool. I'm not looking forward to calling Mom and telling her what I'm doing though. She'll probably bitch at me for going to a film when I should be coming home, but she'd better not because I'll probably go off on her. I wrote her this huge four page letter about why I'm not coming home this summer and how she's hurt me and how I'd like to build a relationship between us based on respect and honesty. It's the culmination of three years of pure hell between us. She may have started it, but I'm damned well going to end it. Turning to other news, my bathroom now smells like dirty butt. Apparently one of the three Queens of the Apocalypse next door cleaned it with cheap bleach, the same sort that my grandma uses to clean. Grr... Dr. Miller also called today and apologized for not answering my E-mails this week. I told him the progress that I've made on my Ford Fellows project, and he seemed content. I just found out who his significant other is...Gay Club is such a good place for Millsaps news. :-) Anyway, I need to go and figure out what I'm going to be wearing tonight, so everyone have a wonderful evening!

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Subject: Strange dream... Time: 6:27 pm. Mood: weird. Music: X-Files theme music.

Ok, walking back to the room, I remembered a strange dream that I had last night. The building I live in is New South Hall. It has three floors. Well, in my dream, it really had five floors, but the top two floors had been shut off and forgotten about. No one knew that it had five floors until somehow I got stuck on one of the two top floors, the fifth floor, I believe. New South has a huge open area called the Atrium where there's a walkway around the big open hall and you can look down onto the ground floor from the third floor of the Atrium...does that make sense? Anyway, somehow the top two floors were recessed from the main part of the Atrium and no one noticed them until I started yelling that I was stuck because the elevator doors had been blocked off or something, and the stairs didn't run up there. Somehow, people were swinging up to get me, and I swung down onto the third floor. Just then, someone or something started a fire on one of the top two floors, so everyone ran out of the hall into the open area in between New South, Galloway, and Ezelle. However, someone (I believe it was me) was warning people that the building was going to blow, and I was trying to direct people over towards Ezelle when it blew. I had a really ominous feeling, like something ungodly, something paranormal was occurring. It was like being stuck in a Stephen King novel. Strange, eh?

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Subject: Soul Train-ing Time: 6:26 pm. Mood: energetic. Music: La Bouche: Tonight is the Night.

It's been a long day. Started out with French. Dr. Fermon was chewing people out for not going to the French table, which I felt kinda guilty since I haven't been in a month. However, I've been busy and have legitimate excuses for not going. It really stung when she said that she wasn't going to go to the French table next year if people didn't start showing up. Still, I don't think that I'm to blame. I mean, I'm taking 18 hours of classes, have duties with Ford Fellows and Honors, am holding down a job, have a boyfriend, and have friends and family to support. On top of that, grad school stuff, homework, and just trying to get a little rest every now and then. Plus, considering that I have three classes on Wednesday when they have the French table, it's kinda hard to get motivated to do more school stuff and not rest. Anyway, I felt guilty, and I don't like feeling guilty when I don't think I've done anything wrong. Moving on to Literature & Sexualities, Women in Love is a very homoerotic book, and not the kind suggested by the title...at least, not yet, at any rate. Two men are so wanting to get into each other's pants in this story that it's not even funny, yet people in class today were trying to say that looking at that is not valid since the people of the time wouldn't have looked at it that way and Lawrence didn't 'intend' for it to be seen in that way (which I severely question). My thing is, people of that time focused on the Dark Lady portions of Shakespeare's sonnets. Even when there were homoerotic elements present in literature, people ignored them because it didn't fit what they believed. People manipulated literature. Today, we're free to see and say what we want. We're not limited like they were. Why shouldn't we see homoerotic elements in literature when they're clearly there? Why shouldn't that be talked about? Ugh...anyway, moving on... Didn't go to the French table again today, partly in rebellion for being made to feel bad and partly because I just wanted to eat lunch with Shalanda and Michele, which I don't get to do often enough. Michele was hilarious today. She kept calling Shalanda an "old dirty ass thang" because Shalanda kept equating everything to sex. The way she said it was like one of those old black women, you know, like the woman on the Nutty Professor (I know it was Eddie Murphy, but he plays a mean Big Momma!). Wonderful. :-) Then, I went to work, and we realized that the girl who usually works on Wednesday hadn't been in touch with them. She couldn't work last week because she had to go to the hospital because she was sick. They tried to get in touch with her but couldn't. Her roommate hadn't seen her since last Wednesday either. Thus, we were pretty sure I would have to go in to work. After that, I went to Brit Lit II. Talking about Oscar Wilde was cool, but the rest, Dr. MacMaster could've kept. Hopefully things will pick up more now that we're getting out of the Victorian period. Twentieth century is the place to be for literature (one of many). :-) Anyway, I came back to the room, took a shower, and headed back in to work. Oh, and I didn't meet with Dr. Miller today because I learned that his advisee for Honors was having her Honors presentation when I was supposed to meet with Dr. Miller (though he didn't tell me that; E-mail me, Dr. Miller! I'm beginning to feel shunned!). Anyway, went to work. Ms. Wanda let me off at 6 because she felt bad that I would have to work three nights in a row, and she even bought me chocolate cheesecake to let me know I was appreciated. Alex should be coming over at 9 or 10ish, perhaps staying the night. The world is good, even though it's a journey to get to the good stuff. :-)

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Subject: Things to do when you have to miss Buffy for work Time: 7:32 pm. Mood: worried. Music: Selena: Techno Cumbia.

Well, the main thing that I've done this evening is worry about people. I can't go into specifics at the moment (and don't press the issue, because I'm Mount Kilamenjaro about this one), but I've got a few people that I'm worried about, people very dear to my heart. I've been feeling lately as if I'm past something that I used to be a part of, like I'm in that white space past the film reel often portrayed on cartoons. You know what I'm talking about, when characters run too fast and leap off the reel into the blank white space. That's where I feel like I'm at now. Very uncharted territory. It's scary but at the same time exhilarating. Anyway, going down to Earth for a bit, the Stylus finally came out today. My poem "Past the Horizon" and story "Drowning Phoenix" (which they misspelled 'pheonix') are both in there. If you're not at Millsaps, you can check both of those out on my website in my Writings Section, which reminds me, I need to add a new poem in there. I wrote a poem for Alex last night. He liked it, though I'm not so sure about it. Anyway, I'll do that later. For now, I need to pull out some books and try to get some work done. Everyone have a wonderful evening!

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Subject: Too much to do... Time: 10:15 am. Mood: tired. Music: LeAnn Rimes: Nothing New Under the Moon.

It's definitely a 'too much to do, too little time' kinda day. I've got to get cracking on my Ford Fellows paper, read for Lit & Sex and Brit Lit II, turn in my budget for the trip to Louisville, find an apartment, find a summer job, get a new battery for my cell phone, and do the normal eating/sleeping thing too. Ugh...why does the world hate me so?

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Subject: Aggravating me Time: 5:33 pm. Mood: distressed. Music: Margaret Cho: Margaret on Her Teen Years.

I know that I'm annoying Alex with my semi-bitchy behaviour. I've been going through a couple of rough bumps lately, and I know that I've been taking it out on him. For example, when he was complaining today that he wasn't feeling good and that he wasn't going to be able to make it to lunch, I couldn't disguise my disappointment and I said something about me not feeling good but I had no choice but to keep on going. The way I said it was a semi-jab, and I feel guilty about it. Ugh...I'll deal with that when he comes over tonight. Right now, I have to get to work on Ford Fellows stuff. Dr. Miller's expecting some work on Wednesday, so I'd better deliver. Anyway, I'll write more later.

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Subject: Why We Should Not Have to Read D.H. Lawrence Time: 8:29 am. Mood: tired. Music: Nelly Furtado and Esthero: I Feel You.

Ok, I tried. I really tried to read Women in Love by D.H. Lawrence for today. I made it to page 25 or so, which I feel is an accomplishment in itself considering it's one of the most boring things I've ever written, and considering that I've read a great deal of literary criticism, that's saying something. I honestly cannot figure out why we're reading this book for Literature & Sexualities, although the reason might be buried in the section that I did not get to yet. Anyway, in other news, I'm tired. However, I have to be up, so here I am. Talked to Mom last night. Actually, she had called me back a little while after she went off on me yesterday for not having my phone on to tell me that she couldn't talk before because Momo was there. It was really strange because that's all she said, and then she got off the phone. My mom usually talks my ear off. Then, when I called last night, she didn't talk much. She wasn't angry or anything, just didn't talk. I get really tired of being a black sheep. Also, I think Michele has either already taken Vikki back or she's going to. I need to make it clear to her that if she does, I will not be there for her. If Vikki pulls the same shit again that she's pulled twice in a few weeks and Michele comes crying to me again, I'll tell her that it was her own damned fault. I don't feel sympathy for people asking for trouble. It's like the saying goes, "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." Vikki won't be to blame if Michele gets hurt again because she knows how Vikki is. Ugh...it's times like this that I wish it was after July 24th and I could get something alcoholic to drink.

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Subject: Fun, fun, fun Friday Time: 5:35 pm. Mood: happy. Music: Cher: Half Breed.

It's been a pretty good day today, despite my lack of sleep last night. Went to French at 9 and Literature & Sexualities at 10. After that, Shalanda and I ate lunch with Shae, a girl from Lit & Sex. We found out some things about another classmate, and she found out who all was gay/bi in our class. Very cool lady. Lots of fun. :-) Then, Shalanda and I came back to my room to watch Go, which is an excellent movie with Katie Holmes and Scott Wolf that came out a couple of years ago. Michele came in at the end, and Shalanda left after it was over with. Just then, Alex called and invited us over. We went over to his house, watched a little of Scary Movie and switched to a collection of gay short films on Sundance. Alex and I went outside to talk while Michele fell asleep. We left at about 4:30 and went to dinner. Now, we're back in my room, ready for a nap.

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Subject: As always... Time: 4:37 pm. Mood: ecstatic. Music: Selena: Dreaming of You.

As always, I have a moment of doubt, and, as always, Alex comes through. I finally got ahold of Alex during my break in Brit Lit II at 2:30, and so I finished up in Brit Lit and went to meet with Dr. Miller (my paper wasn't stupid, after all!), and what do I find when I come out but Alex with a rose in one hand and chocolates in the other. That is the first time he or anyone else has ever surprised me, I mean, really surprised me. He said he was coming to see me, but I had no clue that he was going to bring me a rose and chocolates. It was then that I really knew he really loves me. I've always thought and hoped and prayed that he loved me, but he actually surprised me, not an easy thing to do for anyone who really knows me. Everyone, forgive me for the last post. It was written in a moment of desperation. In trying to take care of everyone else lately, I've neglected myself. Now, at least I know I have someone who is willing and able to help me take care of myself.

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Subject: I need him... Time: 12:19 pm. Mood: crushed.

I need Alex, and of course he's not there. He told me to call him at 11 today, which I knew was a mistake since he was meeting his mom and sister for dinner at noon today. So, I call. Of course he's already left. He had left me a message on my cell phone about twenty minutes before telling me that he was leaving early to run errands and that he would call me after my 1:30 class. However, I have a meeting after my 1:30 class, so I doubt I'll be able to talk then, and I have work at 4. I get tired of always being available for him, and when I need him, he's never available. That's why he should have gotten a damned cell phone instead of a stereo with the money his mom gave him for his birthday, but no, he had to think of himself. I get tired of always thinking of him and never getting the same damned consideration. I'm so damned tired and scared and exhausted right now and I need him and he's not there. I'm tired of crying alone.

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Subject: Ugh...bigtime Time: 8:34 am. Mood: tired. Music: Beach Boys: Kokomo.

I don't know what time Michele and I went to sleep last night. We sat in bed talking for a long time. Thus, since I desperately need to finish something up for Dr. Miller and could use some rest, I'm skipping French today. I know, I know, the thought of me skipping a class is like Oreos without the cremy center, but this is one day when something has to give. On my schedule today is French at 9, Lit & Sex at 10, work at 11, French table at 12, Brit Lit II at 1:30-3:10, meeting with Dr. Miller at 3:15, and then most likely work from 4-8. Thus, by cutting out French and the French table, I should be able to make it through the day. I feel kinda bad about doing this, but I'm only doing what has to be done. Dr. Fermon will just have to go on today without me.

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Subject: Revised post Time: 6:32 pm. Mood: sad. Music: Darren Hayes: I Can't Ever Get Enough of You.

Well, I almost had an entire post ready when I heard Michele crying. I knew that something was wrong with her, had been the last few days, but as usual, she didn't tell anyone...until now. After finally getting her calmed down, I found out that her girlfriend suddenly went cold on her over the weekend, and Michele told her off about it. They exchanged stuff that they had of the other's today, and it's over with. The bitch wouldn't even let Michele in her house after she walked the few blocks to her house. Thus, Michele's staying in my room tonight. I figure she could use some sort of relief. I just hope being around Alex and me won't upset her. Thus, it looks like the work that I need to get done for Dr. Miller is going to get pushed to the side, but sometimes there are more important things than papers, and Michele is definitely one of them.

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Subject: Yay! Time: 8:13 am. Mood: excited.

Alex and I got my room rearranged last night, and it is so sweet. This is going to be a cool next few weeks of school. I now have a big bed (pushed the two beds together), an office area (composed of the two desks being placed in the little nook so that they face each other), a dresser area (composed of the two chest o'drawers flanking the fridge), a closet specifically for my shoes (which I'm going to move some of my clothes to as well), and a living room area (composed of the two chairs that come with the room and the end table that Alex is going to let me borrow). Yay! :-)

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Subject: Three A's! Time: 3:34 pm. Mood: ecstatic. Music: Smashing Pumpkins: Tonight Tonight.

I got back two papers and a quiz today, and I made A's on all of them. The one I'm really proud of, though, is the Brit Lit essay that I was working furiously on at the end of last week but had no idea what I was doing. Her comments, and I quote: "Wow! Jerry, you accomplish so much in this paper that I am awed & thrilled. You demonstrate a strong understanding of the differences between the two generation of Romantics, and you make all manner of interesting comparisons & contrasts among a wide array of romantic poems. All of your comparisons are strong, but any one of them might be developed in more depth & detail. To some extent, here, you pass up opportunities for making in-depth analysis by making as many points as you do. This is excellent, but on your Victorian paper I want you to follow up more on one specific point or idea." Yay! :-)

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Subject: Thank goodness! Time: 8:43 am. Mood: happy. Music: Monsoon Wedding: Madhorama Pencha.

Someone else could work tonight, so my night's going to be free (or as free as my life ever gets)! Yay!

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Subject: Too much to do... Time: 8:34 am. Mood: weird. Music: Mylene Farmer: L'Instant X.

Well, today's my normal Monday schedule: 9-French, 10-Lit & Sex, 11-Lunch, 12-Work, 1-1:30-Alex time, 1:30-3:10-Brit Lit II. Of course, I may be working from 4 till 8 tonight. The Monday girl sent out an E-mail asking if anyone could work for her since she went to the hospital last night, so I'm going to see if she needs me to and say that I'll do it if no one else can. I'd really like to spend tonight with Alex. We didn't get to see each other much over the weekend since he was sick. Plus, I need to get things in order around the room. Oh, pretty big news: I just found out that my roommate was moving out last night...last night. lol Austin called me and asked if I could let him into the building because his card wasn't working, and I said sure. I thought it was weird that his card wasn't working but didn't think much about it. Then, when he got up to the room, he said something about he was moving out. Naturally, I did a double take. He had withdrawn from school on Friday and was not coming back ever. It definitely came as a shock to me, and even now, I'm still trying to process the reality of the situation. I'm definitely going to have to get an apartment for next year with Austin leaving because there's no way I want to try to get used to a new roommate just for one year. There's no telling who I'll get since I don't know many guys around here, none well enough to room with them, and I doubt I'll get one who's as understanding about the whole gay thing as Austin was. He would stay at his dad's over the weekend so that Alex and I could be together. He's definitely a salt of the earth kinda person, one of a kind, and I'm really going to miss him not being here.

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