||[02 Jul 2014|08:35am]
i think i came back to try to settle something.
i sat down at my desk to try to find myself again. im not going to pour over past years of adolescent posts and try to compare me to myself. at least not yet.
i came here to write
i remember when i started writing in an online journal. the effect it had on my life. why i did it ect...
i had nobody who i felt i could call a friend. outside of family, i couldnt trust anyone to stick thier neck out for me. i had nobody to speak freely to on a regular basis. nobody who i didnt have to keep appearances up with.
so i started talking. it was the only way i knew how to do it. my outlet, my precious mirror.
it became my friend.
having a friend gave me confidence to reach out to people again. it wasnt long until i had real friends. making friends was something i had previously unlearned, but suddenly my brain started opening up to people again.
but i have come full circle. and i needed to say hi to my friend so...
thank you for still being here
|only the wisest of souls would know to look
||[05 Jan 2011|03:20am]
Of course, I'm not going to tell you flat out; I'm done with exposing my insecurity.
(in any medium other than this, of course)
If you are looking here, I'ts because you know something is wrong.
you want to know what it is.
I'll tell you.
I'm growing from the inside out; my skin hasn't budged quite yet.
I'm a big boy in a little man's skin
thin skin--about to break.
I'm wondering why he is spending the night.
of course, this question is based on an assumption.
He stayed late, im sure--probably didn't want to drive home.
more pertinent, he didn't want to leave.
he wants you, body and soul.
let me ask you.
how would you feel if the woman i loved for years was spending the night at my house?
wouldn't it send the wrong message, even if she was sleeping in the other room?
Especially if you knew she wanted me back???
There you have it. Im a jealous, insecure, little boy!
|HA! I can type anything here, and no-one will read it...
||[28 Feb 2008|12:38am]
unless someone decides to search my name in Google and lands here for some reason?
once i had a loyal following. more people than i cared to know where reading every entry - even backtracking to the beginning. what a chore that would be now for you - oh unfortunate soul who dares tread on my least kept secret.
since the rise of myspace, very few people have had any use of archaic devices such as Live-Journal coded blogs -
what a perfect opportunity?
im entirely dysfunctional, for the record. but god has been using this fact to confirm his undying love for me. since i started this blog I've experienced a lot of things that i believed i never would. I went to hell and back with drugs and alcohol, ive been raped, ive had consensual premarital sex, I've stolen. ect...
on the other side of the coin... Ive performed my music in front of real audiences, I've recorded a demo or two, I casted out a demon, I've prophesied, I have experienced love in its simplest and truest forms, I have been self sufficient, I have been beaten into submission, and i now willingly TRUDGE the road of happy destiny.
I think that i may be in love, though I've sworn to never say that again.
when we met, I was 16 and she was 21. such an enormous age difference for a teenager.
she wasn't your typical definition of hot, but she was very beautiful in my eyes.
she made me genuinely laugh - few people can do that.
she made me think -
she opened my innocent little heart to the miracle of platonic love.
except, all the while it was more for me - i had to mask it.
i had to convince myself it wasn't so- as i cant hide what i know is to be true.
it never would've worked out to be more than an affectionate friendship.
recently she has become a part of my life again.
after we got used to each others company again, we realized that the other person hadn't seemed to have changed much at all. sure, we have experienced life in all its highs and lows - we had matured.
but she still made me laugh, made me think, made my heart melt.
i felt like an innocent little kid again.
one very important thing was different though. i saw no reason to mask how i felt.
as i am now 21 and she is 26. it doesn't seem to be that much of a difference anymore.
whats more? I found that my fondness of her was not unrequited.
this is where it smarts.
over the period of a week after acknowledging the once subtle truths of our interest in each other
we became emotionally entangled in a major way. see, we had decided that we weren't going to pursue a relationship quite yet as we both have a few things to sort out in ourselves. when the timing was right - I was to ask her fathers permission to court her. all nice and proper. how refreshing it seemed to go about this in a dignified way.
problem was, we were already courting- we where just unwilling to admit it. somehow she got in a conversation with her mother where she felt the need to deny her romantic interest in me. she felt guilty about it and told me- and apologized for belittling me. this further confirmed my admiration - the fact that she was thoughtful and saw how it might effect me... furthermore - she was honest enough and brave enough to tell me - and humble enough to apologize.
i thought it would be best if we were honest with her mother. so we talked to her together, with me taking the lead like a good man should (so odd for me - trying to be a man).
her mother pointed out everything that we already knew but where unwilling to confront. we had become emotionally enmeshed and had effectively distracted each other from recovery. and though we had been uplifting to each other, we needed to learn how to carry ourselves before we tried to support each other.
in conclusion she made a firm suggestion that we should stop hanging out with each other so often - maybe even completely. Ultimately she saw that we had acted like adults in confronting her, so she treated us like adults and left the decision of how to proceed entirely up to us. no ultimatums.
we agreed upon seeking the advice of people that have been happily married - and until a final decision is made with the aid of their advice, we are to only see each other at church.
although the correct path is harder to travel, i couldn't bring myself to be sad. I couldn't take any other path, not with her in the picture. even more - she feels the same way. even if we never marry each other, we will still have a great impact on each others lives - for better or worse. you cant spoil a bond this sacred, but you can certainly bring pain into the picture with ease.
so we enjoyed the rest of our day together... I was insistent on it, and she followed suite with grace - we had fun in our last hours as we contemplated a hard time ahead. TRUDGING the road of happy destiny.
god bless her.
||[20 Apr 2007|11:06am]
the only reason im updating this is because i cant log into myspace. apparently, there has been an excessive amount of login attempts and it is temporarily shut down, thank you - whoever decided to try and crack my password. rot.
to fill some time i started reding jays blog. i dont go to this site often anymore. its kinda like visiting the old me.
besides all my hypocritical rants of no value whatsoever, i see a despairing string of emotion in this blog.
im just not the same person anymore.
i cut my hair, because i wanted to look somewhat conformed to societies ideals.
i like it. it brings out a bright new side of me to find out that I can be myself and be in conformity at the same time. I'm not a music nazi anymore. music nazi's have always annoyed me, so i dont know why i ever was one.
I still obsess from time to time, but not like i did with jay. see, it kind amakes me sick - looking back on that. Jay is not all the things i was looking for. she is a good person, but not the way i invisioned her. I held her up on a damn pedestal.
our distance now rests at a comfotable level. i dont hate her or idolise her... that is nice. we dont talk much, but thats cool. I'm not uncomfortable with leaving a comment on her blog when i feel like it either. its nice. no expectations. i dont mind the fact that, in all reality, i may never see her again. i mean, it would be nice to, but i could handle it if i didnt get a chance to.
being sober for 3 1/2 months has been interesting. i think a lil clearer. i can look in the mirror without inciting paranoia. i can enjoy life occasionally. its nice. sometimes i wake up after smoking pot in my sleep. im shaky. i feel guilty. i start contemplating all the ways i might hide the effects of being high - until i realise that i am laying in bed. its a relieving feeling to know i made it one more day without smoking pot or drinking. life is kinda boring, but it wasnt that exciting before. i have a bit more self esteem and high hopes for the future.
|been a long time, eh?
||[07 Mar 2007|11:52pm]
so yes, its been a record breaking 2 months.
2 months is the longest time ive been without making a blurty entry
and going without drugs and alcohol since i started.
and the longest time ive gone without fooling around since my virginity was taken.
2 months. i remember a time when I thought 2 months was a curse. now it is a symbol for posotive change.
i remember when being "alone" on valentines day was depressing, now it is refreshing.
and on valentines day i made a resolution, to be entirely abstinant for dating and anything that resembles it for a year.
next valentines day im going to take someone out on a date. a real one. one that i will plan and pay for.
i will spend the majority of my time listening to what she has to say, and enjoying her presence.
i may kiss her... on the hand; i will be a gentleman.
i wonder who the lucky girl will be?
anywho. im doing well. still kinda hazy from the whole post acute withdrawel syndrome shit.
but much better.
i look foreward to waking up sober.
||[13 Dec 2006|04:05pm]
thats right, i said it... inpatient. today it was decided that i go for 28 days. which is hillarious to me, because i just got done watching a movie called 28 days last night. i freaking loved it. sure, a bit corny - but hey, i like corny once in a while... another movie that is corny, which i absolutely love is "Down with Love" I rate this movie a must see. ive been watching alot of movies lately.
not to change the subject or anything ;-)
january 4th I say goodbye to civilization as i know it for 28 days. mixed feelings. mostly good. i need to center myself. I havnt really given myself a chance to do it recently, if ever.
after inpatient, i get to do outpatient treatment and live in a clean and sober house (expenses paid) for 3 months. 3 months to get a job and get rolling in the right direction. i like this idea. i need to try something new. I need to hang a sign on my neck that says "confront me if i dont ask for help". that sounds fun.
|for filling empty space
||[13 Nov 2006|03:21pm]
im fucked up, but efficient at blending in.
i am starting to fear that day that i wont be able to appear normal in a moments notice. i fear there is too much bubbling from the bottom on up. perhaps too much for me to deal with on my own. minus perhaps equals accurate.
I cant remember the last time i truly trusted someone. anyone; anybeing.
may I put my trust in the lord . live in love, not out of fear.
||[23 Oct 2006|11:18am]
hmm... life is interesting.
anna (ex- girlfriend that i still adore) wants to spend thanksgiving with me (and my family).
I feel loved.
thats all, now i wisk off (yes, WISK) to say goodbye to glory and help her pack.
|sl eeve less _ joe @ yahoo . com
||[18 Oct 2006|03:33pm]
interesting day - yesterday. I found it.
that thing that made my head ache when i thought of it
a person a face a name. a time and a place.
the person ive found, at least
the face has changed, the name's the same
only fragments of the time remain in this place of past ponderings.
Julie M*****. a name that has stuck in my mind for the last ten years.
an image of a cute blonde whose face lights up vibrantly. engrained.
these things remain.
memories? i vaugely remember that I thought highly of her. adored her. liked her attitude. and smell.
she reminded me that i gave her little PEICES of jewelry ( which i stole from home. i believe)
and spelled her name with a Y
I know she was right because my first instinct when i search for her was to type july
then I remember that july is a month.
she still has a picture of me in a taz shirt and overalls. I wonder what it says on the back?
I thought of her to be a kindred spirit. i cant remember why, but now the evidence proves me correct.
she's a writer, a damn good one at that.
a bit of a loner...
hangs out with the opposite sex alot, without the motivation of trying to hook up with em.
these things we have in common.
im just starting to cool-down from my manic composure. its really exciting.
reconnecting with a special friend from the fourth grade.
starting conversations proved to be somewhat akward, but we ended up chatting it up for quite a while.
its a nice feeling.
additionally, lydia messaged me asking if i went to church,
and said shed be interested in trying out my church if that was the case
I've been quite concerned about her. I wont go into details, but im glad she has an urge to go to church
my church though, is a bit wierd. i wonder if the will be refreshed by it, or be freaked out?
I recorded sum music! click here to check out my first attempt.
more to come
||[11 Oct 2006|08:26pm]
what is it about a good ol fashioned inner struggle that makes life so lonely.
its counter-intuitive to think that being lonely has nothing to do with a lack of being around love.
but me thinks its true, that when i get like this, not a thing in the world can snap me back to a sound mind
I can blame it on the fucking cops for throwing me into a frenzy,
but its my anger that did so.
and my negativity that keeps me from recovering.
and my insistance on blaming myself for everything that feeds my negativity.
then again, if YOU blame something on me, I'll spit it back in your face.
all the sudden its all your fault because you found me at fault
and i have enough critics in my head that getting them to shut up is hard enough without you feeding them.
I can talk myself in circles for hours on end, I dont understand how I got here.
you can bet i have strong opinions, they just change as i continue to talk.
If I contradict myself, Im being analitical
if you contradict me, you are wrong.
Im so sick.
||[28 Sep 2006|10:59am]
at this moment...
at this moment i am lonely and needy and desperate for attention
at this moment, i am honest.
at this moment... i really dont care that its the way i am
i just am.
and im fine with admitting it.
at this moment, it would be nice to read an email, or open a letter, or get a call - or know deep in my heart that i had some unexplained psychic connection with a friend. even if just just in my imagination.
im not going to hurt myself, im not going to go crazy.
ive released it - its out there, floating around.
i dont have to harbor it deep in my dark hole of grey matter.
ill be fine tommorrow
twas a bulleton i posted on myspace last night... this morning got a responce from a message i sent to caleb a while ago. he said hes in town all week... YAY. ill havta see him.
but at this moment, i feel like waving a middle finger in the air to anyone who knows im a pushover.
||[18 Sep 2006|09:33pm]
stability is a quiet comfort.
never miss it when its gone, never appreciate it while it lasts.
but i can see it, acknowledge its value, and smile gently
every now and again.
stability comes from the most suprising places sometimes.
what was a source of anxiety and insecurity is now a warm place to sleep
and a partner in crime.
joe and joe, partners in life.
who knows how long it will last, but for now - i am happy to have a father.
god always said hed give me one... bout time he came into the picture.
first though, i had to strip myself of outdated resentment and pride.
and return to where i belong.
im learning to know and love myself more through him.
fuck all that bullshit about learning to love yourself befor elearning to love others.
how can one who cant show love, or know love - love himself?
the self is, after all - the greatest challenge to love.
we know our deeds better than anyone. how then can we learn to love the hole that is inside us
im all for filling holes with others.
loving others to fill that hole
and in turn learning to recieve love.
what do we have but each other?
what good is a body without all its parts.
we are not whole
we are not meant to be whole
we never will be, get over it.
we were meant to be puzzle pieces...
now, in my heart, i feel i am ready to try and start finding the pieces that fit around me.
i have given up on being self suficient... i am incapable.
but i am capable of being part of a sufficient whole.
me, my family, the church, the holy spirit,
we are whole.
||[16 Sep 2006|10:38pm]
I asked for you heart,
you gave me your body,
sing sing sing a song that will make me forget
of all the pain we have to give
and all the love we need.
that "I love you"'s could never supply
sing sweetly that i may dream of good things.
2 months of hell
the only thing we have to remember
the only thing that makes us proud to be us.
i almost broke down and called you today,
right before i realised i couldnt.
even if i were to find the danged phone card,
I couldnt hear your voice without hitching a ride
to the other side of MT Ranier
I could not listen you your words
without thinking of all the things ive done in fear.
i asked for your heart - you offered your body.
and i accepted, slowly, hesitantly.
2 broken things, 4 broken wings...
more shattered dreams of holding you in peace.
but thats all we see with no self esteem
no plans in sight. no hope tonight.
so sing sweetly and hold me in my dreams
i write you when i Miss you,
and call when I am able.
but when i call, please do not talk at all.
sing sweetly and hold me with your melody.
||[28 Aug 2006|02:33pm]
its time to do this right
write like myself
my voice, my vocabulary.
Im starting to realise that there isnt much to this writing thing.
ive been overcompetent, underconfident, and overly poetic.
metaphors and mind-fucks galore dont seem to lead me anywhere.
a broken heart isnt the most attractive thing in the world
but some-how everyone loves a broken poet.
i think we were trained to admire pain
look at our heros, how theyve bled for just cause.
endured to find a just end to a life of loss
see how we admire them? we assume there is a happy end.
pain isnt so bad when you have spiderman to relate to.
it doesnt hurt as much when someone famous writes a song
about how fucked up they are
you can relate. you say
"i can have hope if someone so high above us
riding a plane of fame, has the same pain and
wears the same name on his sleeve.
now i can believe. I am truly free"
but truly, you arnt.
truly, i am not.
we are not free unless we allow ourselfs to be-
me? im stuck on a rhyme scheme, like white trash on methamphetemine
melted gooeyness makes grain follow in a circular pattern.
tricycles glow when you ride them.
now that ive broken free of this ryhm, i am yet a slave to the lack of it.
If i could somehow write on a blank page
and never erase... i could be free.
with the minor discrepancy that i would not be free to use an eraser.
and there is no such thing as a blank piece of paper. so id probably need one.
an eraser, that is.
our lives, our minds have been written on,
every page has something to say to your concious mind.
mine seems to tell me i need a metaphor in every damn poem i write.
it tells me to make fun of myself...
tells me self deprecation is humorous
tells me irony and parody are essential.
I hate how i hate myself.
I love how i embrace myself.
I seem to embrace myself with hate.
but a broken heart is nothing attractive,
maybe so morbid that it is an object of intriuge
but nothing attractive.
exept to those that can see your weakness. and how to exploit it.
the hole in your heart that is dying to be plugged with with a finger.
what a bloody mess you call love, no wonder.
everybody loves a broken poet, how romantic.
everyone come drink from the fountain of sorrow,
suck his fucking blood. he wants you too.
im sure it would make him feel valueble.
im sure hed find it cute that you teared up while he was dousing the audience
with buckets of blood from a broken heart.
you fools eat the shit up, and beg for more...
but hes bled enough- he needs to recharge-
wishes to lift you up to a place where ideals live
so you can sing a sweet song in harmony.
completely ignoring the boring lyrics
that would make you sick if it wasnt for this sudden lift of spirit.
you close your eyes,
and are suprised by the sudden sight of spiderman joining in song,
along with a various assortment of meth addicts:
truckers, programmers, prostitutes, disenfranchised housewives,
and an 8 year old jittery pill popper that cant get along in school without his lunchtime fix.
even they are allowed a moment of peace, if only in your mind.
when you open your eyes you look around to find everyone hypnotised by lies
of everything being alright. its just what they need. just one night.
one moment where the openness of the mic creates a void in your mind.
one moment to breath, feel, and live.
one moment to embrace yourself,
pick up a pen, find a blank piece of paper.
and write without an eraser
hell, why not? if spiderman exists in this world, so does a blank slate.
before this ends i have but one wish,
that you would laugh at yourself today.
poke fun at your idiosyncracies
tell yourself its ok.
the things you hate, and all of your mistakes
for they are part of you.
||[19 Aug 2006|09:58pm]
this is your invitation to help me have the birthday ive always wanted.
leave your money at home.
but come, please come - to my first spoken word event
wednesday, august 23rd - 8-10pm trabant chai lounge.
invite two people.
tell them that im doing something a little different, that just may be worth checking out.
tell them its my birthday - and coming is a present enough.
if they know me - tell them they have an invitation +2
i have a suprise for you all.
dunno if itsnever been done - but ive never seen it done.
and thats good enough for me.
oooh- and bring your grammer hats - for interactive mad libs, of coarse.
origional ones, at that!
||[18 Aug 2006|01:35am]
off with one load of stress, on with another.
this guy im staying with... hes harmless - but i know he wants something.
im sitting here typing on his computer - realising all my fears were true.
note to self - dont stay with a gay guy whos being a little too nice
his niceties are turning into angst.
i think hes starting to realise he isnt going to get any.
dropping his facade.
how did i get in this situation?
I got a job, and asked kieth to let me stay for a couple weeks at his place for stability,
until i got my paycheck and a room.
the job was telemarketing. it didnt last.
im not aggressive enough.
i had an offer from gio to stay with him for a while.
to which my responce was a knee-jerk NO.
but when i lost the job, i realiseed that i liked having stability of some sort.
so i took him up on the offer.
him and his grooming behaviors... niceties and subtleties.
I figure i can see them, recognise it, and avoid falling for it.
which is working, besides the fact that he is driving me up the wall.
i cant... i must break free.
and now hes trying to apologise for his narrowminded banter that was meant to make me feel
like hes looking out for my best interests.
i cant be bound like this.
i start thinking... wait!
look what happened, how did i get here?
i left for the U-district to make myself... didnt want to be sheltered... wanted to figure out life.
i made alot of progress, and now - im back to wanting to be sheltered.
now i know i can be responsible, and take initiative... i have proved this to myself.
but look what happened... instead of being sheltered by someone who loves me and wants the best for me.
im being sheltered by someone who sees the potential for a fine piece of meat.
he thinks he can turn me.
he wont admit any of this, but its obvious.
with his subtleties and niceties.
two things that annoy me greatly.
now i think... what was so bad about living with grandma?
it was me... the state i was in.
apathetic and lazy.
Ive moved on now... I wonder if ive burned my bridges?
||[14 Aug 2006|02:15am]
ive decided to keep a private journal.
so i dont fumble to civilize my thoughts for blurty.
that way, when i decide to write something here, it will be more worthwhile to read
and i can get out all that ranting biznack out of my system in private.
without offending those i love.
or sucking them into my drama.
||[12 Aug 2006|09:33pm]
what happens when storylines finish themselves and start anew?
you slowly become insensative, you write new chapters.
and though it may seem that all chapters end in the same place...
it is only because you have changed slowly.
but look now, 8 chapters ago - see where you completely sacrificed everything you stood for?
at the end of the chapter previous, you merely lost yourself in the moment.
slowly - you will become what you wish to be.
slowly - you will grow and change.
of lows and highs and roller-coaster rides, what of them?
they are the very words you built the story with.
some writers love to erase and redo,
i like to ride the wave.
I do this because I must, To create and maintain my balance,
i must be willing to teeter to either side, ride it out, and slowly shift myself back into alignment.
if i respond with a jerking motion, in fear i shall consume myself
fall off the other side.
once, when trying to quit niccotene, a drug counsilor advised me of what to expect.
told me my moods will fluctuate. if i ride the highs, and weather the lows... without feeling the need to indulge in them to an extreme degree, or avoid them by smoking... i would maintain my emotional balance in a few weeks.
sometimes romance novels are hard to live in.
but i do believe i have the power to withstand.
||[05 Aug 2006|05:47pm]
the telivision blared in the other room.
woken up by a televangelist, how odd.
especially considering that his environment wasnt the most christian of abodes
pastor spoke his name, in place of a character without a title;
the cripple, laying next to the pool of healing
unable to move - unable to concieve of a life outside of waiting.
waiting for grace he believed could never come.
such an environment he lived in seemed hopeless
after a disturbance, the first in the pool was to be healed
he could not move.
"do you want to be healed?" said a friendly man
"I cant" were the first words out of his mouth.
he had lost hope.
"take up your mat and walk", urged the man
and he did. simple as that. he rose.
laying there on his bed, listening to such a story,
a hint of hope entered his mind. he almost cried.
he hadnt cried since she left his life. 5 days.
5 days, and he hadnt even showered.
he longed to cleanse and purge.
he longed to cry - longed to shower
longed to stop having dreams of holding her.
but how could he, when he was still holding her in his mind?
he longed for love, for community, for growth and healing.
a genuine longing. a self imposed goal. he wasnt looking to impress
wasnt looking to be congenial. he wanted fulfillment.
he longed to kiss the feet of his god, and be forgiven.
'twas time to pick up his mat and walk.
||[03 Aug 2006|10:33pm]
"tis good to take time to pause
watch the clouds go by
clouds of thought and emotion pass overhead
are recognized, observed, and accepted.
no need for action
'tis only a period of grief."
he listened intently as his counsilor asserted such wise thoughts
considered it likely that he had never done such a thing
grieving seemed to be so unsatisfying before;
the grief he knew always lead to self-hatred.
to him grief was despair - an acute introverted explosion of emotion.
but as he lay in the grass, enjoying his last ciggarette...
as he looked above in reverence to that which he could not control
it sparked one of those "aha" moments
'this is what grieving is'
he noticed the clouds storming by. he identified them. he knew them.
and thus he began to apply this to his ever storming emotions.
he began to look at himself objectively
as if he were floating over his own line of sight.
he could see his cycle of self inflicted pain.
in some sick way, it was subliminally attractive to him
to be on an unceartin rollercoaster.
it reminded him of home;
home he missed dearly.
he then saw romance
romance as home
he now knew why she, of all people
broke his deep-rooted defence mechanisms
she understood the unspoken rules
of the roller-coaster ride.
yet, during thier final talk he had scolded her for precicely that.
which was, of coarse - just another loop in the ride.
another step in the process - shame, and blame.
he was half expecting her to look for him a couple days later.
find him so he could console her, tell her it was alright.
that they could make it through whatever obsticals may arise.
then it would be a matter of time till she was fatasizing
about a house
marraige, and everlasting love.
they would draw each other in
he to her and her to him
then, without warning - she would become afraid.
push him away
likely resulting in a scolding
for this wretched roller-coaster ride.
but the truth is, she surely had enough by now.
as did he.
if anything would be - they would have to grieve