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frozen soul

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confused [12 May 2009|08:37pm]
so here i am again..trying to write so i might feel somewhat better. but i am so incredibly depressed..i've never felt this way in my entire life. it's so sad and so lonely. i've blamed so may people..and i'm just tired of blaming. i'm just so tired of fighting and being strong and trying to stay calm when there's no way to do so. it just sucks. my bladder is paralyzed. i'm so tired all the time. i've lost interest in everything i loved. i feel like i can't do things i want to do b/c of my stress/anxiety that had to catch up to me. i feel so lost and unloved. i feel like no one in this world can help me. i feel like they've given up and i'm about to. what is the point? i just don't understand.
* lost soul*

[30 Aug 2008|11:35pm]
Well I write again..this time feeling this weird feeling. It's kind of like a lump in my throat or a pain in my chest. I can't figure out why it is, but I just can't be happy. Like I know I'm healthy and I have my limbs and senses; I shouldn't be so disatisfied with life, but I am. It's just that I can always see the truth and I am sick of it. I am just too intellectual for my own good, but actually it's killing me.
I just want to tell the truth..that the reason men like women is b/c they have huge breasts and they look older than they are.
I just want to know why I have urges to hurt people and distance myself from people.
Most of all I want to know why? Why am I this way? It doesn't make sense, to me at least.
I guess I just have to suck it up and forget about the fact that I feel so alone and empty inside...
but why haven't I found someone? I just don't think I'm worth it..maybe that's why..not too sure..but I feel terrible.
Oh well. I guess I'll keep trying to solve this mystery.
* lost soul*

When you're dreaming with a broken heart..waking up is the hardest part [13 Feb 2008|10:28pm]
[ mood | devious ]
[ music | John Mayer ]

So, listening to John Mayer has inspired me..to write that is. I definitely have had a hard first semester of my second year of college. Taking accounting, which was terrible for my mental and physical health. Basically, I developed an eye problem, primarily based on the fact I was allergic to accounting. Another terrible thing that happened was my brother turning into an immature, self-centered teenager. My mom no longer sees him because he decided he did not want to live with her anymore. Upsetting as it is, I just feel like my brother is such an idiot and my mom does not need him. I also started a few counseling sessions because of how bad everything got. I became totally occupied with work, school, homework, and THON. I had no time for anything..no sleep! However, I did accomplish one very exciting thing..I declared my major. I am now a Psychology with a business option major. So far, I love every bit of psychology and I am very happy about my decision. Overall, I feel like I am proud of myself. I have definitely taken advantage of all that I could, and I am so content with my choices in life. I will be 20 in 3 months..no longer a teenager..it's kind of freaking unbelievable. But w/evs..party like a rockstar!

* lost soul*

Blurty...Revisited [29 May 2007|08:20pm]
[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | Ben Folds-Rocking the Suburbs ]

This is odd. I just kind of felt like revisiting a past memory. Actually a big part of my adolescence, and my existence in general. My BLURTY!! I really don't think I would have made it without this online memoir recording of my life. Wow, was I really so depressed? High school sucked..I can't even imagine going back. Penn State is, well, 1000000000X infiniti better than any part of my life. I absoultely loved my freshman year, the people I met, and all the crazy times I shared. If there is one thing I would tell the people who were so lost, abandoned, and lonely as I myself was back in my pre-18 years..I would say just wait until your future. Your college life will hand you so many opportunities, and it will teach you so much about yourself. I just told myself to let go and let life happen. Don't make life happen, just let it. This is my motto. Honestly, another thing I learned is to go by the extremely cliche phrase..don't cry over spilled milk. I feel life is best worth living and I try not to get angry about things anymore. Life is so much a joke, that you just have to laugh. So, altogether the best advice I have is to let life happen and laugh. So, I'm 19 now..and I'm working almost every second. However, I enjoy my photography opportunities. They come around quite often..almost every chance I get. Also, I love my PSU friends..they absolutely rule! And well, I really love life..because I changed my mentality and that is really all it takes. Make your own goals and don't let opportunities pass you by. <3
-Recovery is sweet

* lost soul*

Go Ask Allison [08 Jul 2006|08:12pm]
[ mood | scared ]
[ music | Persephone's Bees-City of Love ]

Maybe being alone is better than having friends, I just can't tell. I think sometimes I find solace in my introverted attitude. Other times, I really feel left out. It is the most horrible feeling in the world to think no one cares. However, I also value independence. I'm scared, though. I feel like I'm losing my one thing that made me happy..although it wasn't much..it was. It was my job..at Ritz Camera. I liked it..I liked the people, who I felt, didn't judge. So often, people almost always judge other people based on the way they look, talk, or act. Not at Ritz. However, now, I don't know who I can trust. I feel so completely alone, lost, abandoned. I feel scared. I wish I could write all day to keep my mind off of everything, and I don't know, maybe college will allow me to forget and move on. I went out to dinner with my friend tonight, and it was fun. I loved talking with her and catching up on like a year and a half worth of stuff. We hardly ever saw eachother this year, and I absolutely love her. Now, I am alone again, though. I think I may be fired and I doubt my other job worked out. Oh well, who really gives a damn. Anyways, I have a theory. I know that almost every single person I know has a journal. A lot of them are online and a lot of them are private. Secretly, I feel we make these journals so someone can read them. Someone who cares can help us, praise us, love us, or reprimand us. Any way you look at a journal, it contains people's most important secrets, memories, and relationship issues. I kind of wrote all this time so that someone who read would care. So, I guess I'm kind of crazy or weird. I guess I tried to join myspace so I could have friends and meet people, because I am usually so shy. I always doubt myself for some reason, and I really shouldn't. I mean, why doubt myself. Is there anything truly wrong with me. I feel like people think I'm a push over..but I'm not. I can be so mean..you wouldn't believe it if you knew me. Well, yes you would. People don't ever know me..the real me..the me that can't stop hiding because she's ugly and hideous and shouldn't be seen by this world. This world..ohh how I love the way everyone wears their rose colored glasses in this world, and they never care about anyone but themselves in this world. Oh and I am not bragging and calling myself perfect, of course I am definitely almost fully egocentric. Well, why don't I feel successful if I am egocentric. I mean, if I am, shouldn't I be proud of myself and my stupid accomplishments. I always thought I was beautiful, but now I'm having my doubts. How can I be beautiful if I feel so unsuccessful. I mean, isn't it America when all the glamorous, beautiful models with perfect bodies get ahead. Why yes, yes it is. So, I can not be beautiful. I am so confused...but I am going to write because right now it is making me happy. I don't get the feeling very often. I imagine if one single person cared about me, like in the movie the Notebook if I were that girl..I guess life would be wonderful. I guess, then, I would be happy. Yes, if I were Rachel McAdams I would love my life. Do I not have the same brown wavy hair, full lips, big eyes, and flowing skirts she has. Do I not have the hour-glass figure and the talent. Why am I the one sitting here in front of this computer screen, and she is the one on the big screen making out with hot guys all day? Why does she have a greater purpose than I do? Do I even have a purpose? I'm beginning to think no. Well, all in all, I got no where with this entry. Bottom line: I'm scared. Please read my journal, please care...

oh yeah, my mom is sick. that really upsets me. i truly have always loved her.

* lost soul*

graduation [12 Jun 2006|03:52pm]
[ mood | enthralled ]
[ music | oasis-wonderwall ]

well, it is finally here..the night of my senior graduation. DONE WITH HIGH SCHOOL..um forever. I'm just completely elated. thinking back on high school, reading countless journal entries coming from the stereotypical heart-broken teenager, and looking back on the regrets in life..it was definitely worth my while. i have grown so much throughout the past four years..i've found a part of myself and discovered endless meanings of life. i gained so much more than i thought i would. i gained so many new friends and acquaintances that each touched me and taught me something i wouldn't have known before. moving on is hard, but moving on to bigger and better things is so much more exciting than staying in high school another four years. i'm eighteen and the whole world is at my fingertips..i will accomplish so much in life and i want to thank all of the people who have contributed to my life in the past..i owe you! to those of you on this journal site who i've talked to and completely digressed about my situations, thank you for listening. to my friends and to my family, i love you and always will. so many memories..what a ride..but it's time to break free and finish this journey i've begun. it's been one hell of a time, but you know what, i loved every minute of it. peace and happiness!! i'm out.

* lost soul*

Seventeen! [20 May 2005|02:03pm]
[ mood | blah ]
[ music | fire and rain ]

Well, today is the big day. Finally, seventeen. Although I did not get the one thing I wanted this year..It does not matter to me. What is love when you realize that life is sometimes better without it. Today we had a half day so I went out to lunch with Rachael, Walter, and Blythe. It was a good time. We blasted the music in Walter's car as the rain came in through the windows. So, it was a fun time. I feel so old. I can now watch rated "R" movies without a parent. I can also read Seventeen without having to be interrogated by my parents. Although, the interrogation never stopped me before. Anyways, I have my whole weekend planned. Tonight, I'm going to Bahama Breeze, tomorrow I'm going to Tequilas with my aunt and uncle, and finally on Sunday I'm going to see the Salvador Dali exhibit at the art museum. I can't wait to see the Dali exhibit, it's what I wanted to go to see for like a month now. I'm excited. I still feel really bipolar for some reason, but I'm happy that it's my seventeenth birthday. Almost everyone forgot, but whatever, that is life. In any case, I received around five cards in the mail for my birthday. I did not get any presents, however. I'm just so glad to be one year older and one year closer to my eighteenth birthday!!!!
<333
Why can't I just be myself? ever.

5 * lost soul*

stupid brothers [21 Feb 2004|03:08pm]
i wrote a really good entry yesterday and it was deleted thanks to my brother switching the clock back a year earlier..asshole..i hate him so much. does anyone know how i could get it back..i've tried so many things..let me know if you do.

2 * lost soul*

Friends only... [04 Aug 2003|10:10pm]
iThis journal is friends only!

-Comment to be added
-If I like you I'll add you
-Show some interest in my life

That's all I ask. I have a very complex depressing life on some levels, but on other levels I will be completely different. I would love to read about new and interesting people so feel free to add me to your friends list.

16 * lost soul*

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