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I have been exposing myself for who I am and who I used to be, both accidentally and purposefully. Things in my bedroom from years ago are accidentaly being found and fallen upon, exposing the rebellious years I passed through, perhaps am still meandering upon. Rebellion these days, however, is more of a tactic used to succesfully and happily progress in life while minimalising disappointment and dissatisfation upon all parties involved. Obviously some, mostly my Mother, will always be disappointed in me. Some will just try to disagree with anything I say because they can.
This year I have realised so much about myself that others have noticed more of me as well. The love of Christ I have inside is so much more obvious, I sing louder and more beautifully than ever before, a wonderful gift I know God continues to bless me with. I feel things I've never felt before; toward myself, others and toward God. I feel more grown up, I love that I have seen more of the world, more people, experienced more things, good or bad. Although bad experiences are not desired, in hind-sight they almost always provide strengthening and enlightenment.
There are some things I still feel need sorting out, still need forgiving, still need tidying up and praying into. There are so many loose ends in my life, some I don't know will ever be re-adressed or sorted. So many things I still need to be healed of. Emotionally, physically, how ever many ways something can affect a person.
I weighed myself the other day again, I've lost weight. I'm at least a stone under-weight. Even though that sounds bad, I don't have a problem. Admittedly sometimes I still feel a battle against anorexia. When people say forcefully, "You need to eat more", I feel inclined to eat less. When people say "You will always have the problem, don't deny you're not eating properly" my mind says, "Well if that's what you think I may as well give you a reason to by not eating again". Which is totally the wrong thing to think. Luckily I don't actually do those things. Never consciously. When you realise the subconcious is still taking over eating habits, that's your problem. I just don't want people to think I still have anorexia. Maybe I do, but yapping at me about it isn't going to help me one bit.
I look forward to the things that lie ahead of me, and I pray that it will be as I imagine it to be, and not yet another huge disappointment.
Being away from drama and performing is really getting to me. I love it so much, it's the way I really let go and release stuff. Because I haven't done anything drama for such a long time I find it hard to get into it without being embarrassed. I really want to be involved in big plays, films, I want to excercise what God has given me. I feel that in time to come my name will be well known for what I do. What that is I don't know yet. Ministry, preaching, acting, writing, it could be any of those. Or perhaps something I don't know yet. The more I pray about it the stronger this feeling grows. It excites me.
I have recently re-fallen in love with a song I knew long ago. Baz Luhrmann - Everybody's Free (To Wear Sunscreen).
Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of ’97
Wear Sunscreen.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it.
The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience…
I will dispense this advice, now.
Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth;
oh nevermind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded.
But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself, and recall in a way you can’t grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked….
You are not as fat as you imagine.
Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum.
The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind;
the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.
Do one thing everyday that scares you.
Sing.
Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.
Floss
Don’t waste your time on jealousy;
sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind; the race is long,
and in the end, it’s only with yourself.
Remember compliments you receive, forget the insults;
if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.
Keep your old love letters, throw away your old bank statements.
Stretch.
Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life…
the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives,
some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.
Get plenty of calcium.
Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.
Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll have children, maybe you won’t,
maybe you’ll divorce at 40,
maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary…
what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much
or berate yourself either – your choices are half chance,
so are everybody else’s.
Enjoy your body, use it every way you can,
don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it,
it’s the greatest instrument you’ll ever own...
Dance…even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.
Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.
Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.
Brother and sister, together we'll make it through,
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there.
I know you've been hurting, but I have been waiting to be there for you.
And I'll be there, just helping you out, whenever I can.
Get to know your parents, you never know when they’ll be gone for good.
Be nice to your siblings, their your best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you should hold on.
Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and lifestyle because the older you get,
the more you need the people you knew when you were young.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard;
live in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft.
Travel.
Accept certain inalienable truths, prices will rise, politicians will philander,
you too will get old and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young
prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.
Respect your elders.
Don’t expect anyone else to support you.
Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse;
but you never know when either one might run out.
Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time you're 40, it will look 85.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but, be patient with those who supply it.
Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal,
wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than it’s worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen…
Brother and sister, together we'll make it through,
Someday a spirit will take you and guide you there,
I know you've been hurting, but I have been waiting to be there for you.
And I'll be there, just helping you out, whenever I can
Everybody's free, oh yeah,
Everybody's free, oh yeah
To feel good.
I miss my malakey.
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confused
jubilant
pensive
mellow
drained
distressed
morose