| To My Dear |
[27 Nov 2004|07:43pm] |
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mood |
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 blank |
] |
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music |
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Between The Buried And Me - What We Have Become |
] |
There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
god wouldn't let it live.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.
May angels lead you in.
oh yeah...
and Chris..:
I don't feel the way I've ever felt.
I know.
I'm gonna smile and not get worried.
I try but it shows.
Anyone can make what I have built.
And better now
Anyone can find the same white pills.
that take my pain away.
It's a lie. A kiss with open eyes
And she's not breathing back.
Anything but bother me.
(It takes my pain away)
Nevermind these are hurried times.
Oh oh oh
I can't let it bother me.
I never thought I'd walk away from you.
I did.
But it's a false sense of accomplishment.
Everytime time I quit
Anyone can see my every flaw.
It isn't hard.
Anyone can say they're above this all.
but it takes my pain away.
I can't let it bother me.
It takes my pain away
< / 3
FUCK THIS JOURNAL SUCKS
OK
NEW JOURNAL FOR SERIOUS
THEN AGAIN
WHERE CAN I BE TOTALLY OBNOXIOUS BESIDES HERE AND CHRIS'S STUPID MESSAGE BOARD?!?!?!
It's NO GOOD keeping my mouth shut.
I WOULDN'T DO IT IF I WAS PAID TO.
OK I'M MAKING A NEW RANTING JOURNAL
CONSIDER THIS DEAD AS FRED
DROP DEAD FRED LOLLLLZ
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| It Gets Worse |
[27 Nov 2004|06:46pm] |
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music |
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Underoath - Reinventing Your Exit |
] |
Your in trouble...
BIG FUCKING TROUBLE
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| .......... |
[21 Nov 2004|03:28pm] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
] |
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music |
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Fall Out Boy - Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner |
] |
And alll the colors fade to grey...
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| FDHBGFHBGVCNBVNVCNBVMBVMNBM NBMB |
[21 Nov 2004|07:10am] |
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mood |
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infuriated |
] |
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music |
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MIDTOWN - THE EASY WAY OUT |
] |
FUCK!
No matter how i try
i don't know why
You push so far away
You wrapped your hands tight
around my heart
And squeezed it full of pain
With this knife i'll cut out the part of me
The part that cares for you
With this knife i'll cut out the heart of me
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[20 Nov 2004|06:47pm] |
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mood |
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 scared |
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music |
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Ryan Cabrera - On The Way Down |
] |
Where's that e-mail?
not in THIS mailbox
not mad
upset.
must not be upset at him
He's busy and has things to do.
I <3 him.
I just want to know what he has to say about what i wrote.
It really meant alot to me.
every single word of it....
* sighs *
I think I'm menstrual...
lullllll
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[19 Nov 2004|09:10pm] |
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mood |
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 bouncy |
] |
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music |
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Ryan Cabrera - On The Way Down |
] |
I want to be nice
I feel totally maple
and when I say maple I mean sappy.
I love you.
I like saying that even if I already said 10000000000000 times in e-mail.
I can't say it enough.
Tuesday night was a very very very very EXTREMELY VERY good night indeed.
I love Tuesday night.
I live for nights like that.
Every little inch of that will be in my head til I see you again.
Hell I couldn't forget it even if I wanted to.
I love you.
I still want to hear your input on that e-mail.
From what I can tell, it's good.
I still have to hear it from your mouth or electronic letter.
It's better that way ♥
♥ ♥ ♥ ♥
I can't imagine being happier in one single moment.
I can't forrgeettt.
That was the best night of my life officially
lull I love you.
I knew you were fucking great.
I knew it.
♥ ♥ ♥
I'm going to do something for you.
I don't know what it is yet.
I'll figure it out
You deserve it for being a sweetheart.
Next time I see you.
♥ ♥ ♥
Maybe I'll eat something. lol.
Just for you.
Ok I'm done being so GIDDY and FUCKING HAPPY
I AM SO FUCKING HAPPY.
Maybe my missing puzzle peice will finally decide to fit...
hoping hoping hoping hoping.
I hold onto it way to much.
I think I'm being a big fat riddlle...
<333
I don't careeee
This is how I am when I'm happy.
btw did I mention i love you?
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[19 Nov 2004|05:23pm] |
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mood |
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irritated |
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music |
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Propagandhi - Less Talk, More Rock |
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CradletoDeprave: get your ass over here and bring lube
x Hey Get Sars x: nuu
CradletoDeprave: last chance
x Hey Get Sars x: :P
CradletoDeprave: fine
CradletoDeprave: thats it then
x Hey Get Sars x: kayy
x Hey Get Sars x: ^_^
CradletoDeprave: bye
x Hey Get Sars x: O__O
x Hey Get Sars x: your gonna stop talking to me because of THAT
CradletoDeprave: yes
x Hey Get Sars x: ...
x Hey Get Sars x: that's stupid
CradletoDeprave: bye
x Hey Get Sars x: whatever
DEAR TREVOR,
FUCK YOU!
That's fucking GAY as hell.
whatever.
I'm fucking HAPPY with who I'm " with "
and I love him
and I'm not going to go FUCK IT ALL UP just because your pernis wants attention
...
ugh...
fd
bvxc
bv
cx
v
cx
v
xcv
fsdg
d
I'm pondering texting Chris over this....
but I don't like to bother him unless it's extremely importent because he's such a busy kiddd
lull
Still that was quite upsetting...
i need to talk to someone.....
fdsdvxcvccbc
vcb
vcc
vbvc
bvc
b
vcb
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| YO |
[12 Nov 2004|09:02pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
] |
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music |
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Ryan Cabrera - On The Way Down |
] |
Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove:
O no; it is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests, and is never shaken
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[11 Nov 2004|09:13pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
] |
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music |
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Blink 182- What's My Age Again? |
] |
FUCK EVERYTHING
FUCK FUCK FUCK
FUCK FUCK
FUCK
FUUUCK
FUCK YOU
AND YOU
AND YOU
Ok anger management maybe.
but I HATE FUCKING GAMES
srgfdgfdg
fdg
fdgfd
gfd
gfd
gfd
gfd
gfd
gfd
gsfd
gsd
gsd
gfsdg
sd
gsfdg
fd
gfd
f
hfd
gfsd
gs
gsd
gsd
g
g
sfgf
gfd
hfd
gr
tgr
trew
tr
uytuj
uk
jh
hgjhg
jfg
jgf
j
jyh
jy
jy
j
j
jyt
ku
kjk
ARGH
I HATE THINGS
ALL THINGS
EVERY THING
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[06 Nov 2004|07:01pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
] |
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music |
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Fall Out Boy - Nobody Puts Baby In The Corner |
] |
I am better.
Whatever.
WHERE THE HELL HAS EVERYONE GONE
LULLL
Some guy tried to fuck with me.
I thought is was funny.
He called me stupid BUT I sure as hell didn't spells FRIENDS with the I and the E switched.
WHAT IS A FREIND?
I FREIND YOU?
I don't quite get it.
bvnbvnbvn
I'm on my other journal now.
Don't bother reading this crap.
Users: kryssit3n
NEW PLACE
NEW PLACE.
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| MORE FUCKING MIKE |
[01 Nov 2004|12:07am] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
] |
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music |
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Blink 182 - Going Away To College |
] |
Seriously it isn't funny how much I HATE THIS KID
WHAT A DOUCHE
OK
So MIKEY and I weren't talking
HE IMS ME at 8 AM THIS MORNING asking me why I doubted him?
HMM I DUNNO
YOU WALKED AWAY FROM ME 43235435 TIMES
YOU BARELY TOUCHED ME
and you hardly talked.
WHAT THE HELL?!?!
Well I decided to clear things up by answering his damn question.
HE APPARENTLY BLOCKED ME so I had to play " kindergarden " games and sign on another screenname just to talk to him
IT'S FUNNY HE REFUSES to see that HE did ANYTHING wrong.
HE BLAMES ME for not talking to him, touching him, or staying with him
HOW ABOUT IT'S BOTH OF OUR FAULTS ASSHOLE?!?!?
2 PEOPLE = A RELATIONSHIP
WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN??!! 1945 ( LOLL INSIDE JOKE BECAUSE AT ONE POINT MIKE YELLED AT ME FOR NOT KISSING HIM RIGHT AND ASKED ME IF IT WAS 1945....How lame can you GET? I mean how long did it take him to think of THAT? I really don't feel insulted at all. SUPRISE MIKE! I HAVE MORALS! I know that is QUITE A SHOCK TO YOU because you usually date some SLUTTY SLUTS. )
He's still pissed I'm not a slut and he actually has to do some work to court me.
WHATEVER
He acted like he was 5 and told me he wouldn't date me ever
and I had a thought at that moment.
YOU KNOW WHAT FATTY
I WOULDN'T DATE YOU EITHER
I'M NOT GOING TO STOOP SO LOW AND BE YOUR LITTLE FUCKING WHORE
MAYBE THAT'S HOW LITTLE GIRLS PLAY MIKE
I KNOW YOU LIKE YOUR LITTLE 14 YEAR OLD GIRLS
TOO BAD I'M TOO SMART FOR YOU AND I KNOW BETTER
HA!
He acts like he's so fucking cool
NOPE MIKE
WRONG AGAIN
I'M THE FUCKING COOL ONE
GET IT THROUGH YOUR FUCKING THIN HEAD.
Anyways this ended with him acting like a fucking wuss
and blocking me again
I JUST DON'T CARE
He told me he changed.
HE HASEN'T CHANGED A BIT
STILL THE SAME OLD MIKE " I HAVE MILLIONS OF FUCKING PROBLEMS " GREGG
Problem BLOWN OUT OR PROPORTION MAY I ADD
AND THIS IS WHY, Ladies and Gentlemen, I DON'T GO OUT WITH OTHER GUYS
and THIS IS FUCKING WHY I HAVE GOD DAMN ISSUES WITH MEN
They're always so fucking TWO FACED
Like they can't just say something and mean it
They have to contradict what they say and do
OR they have to go back on their word.
By the way I talked to Chris about things
We're cool now I think..
We still have alot more to talk about....
A LOT MORE
I'm not going to write it in here though
That is for us.
I will say that he is probably the best guy I have ever met in a long time
and luckily he's never gotten really mad at me even though I have given him an ample chance to.
He's so easily to talk to...
It's amazing how happy I was at his house compared to how miserable I was with Mike.
He doesn't realize how great he is.
That may partially be my fault in some small form.
I really don't mean some of the stuff that I write about him...
It just gets frustrating when I want to talk and he just sort of blows it off....
or when he acts like he likes me...but then dissapears into Neverland.
Besides those times, some of the best times I'd had were with that crazy kid.
I should e-mail him tommorow and tell him all this...
and some other stuff....
He did call me at 4 today which made my day
I was afraid that he was going to forget because he isn't punctual...
but he proved me wrong <333
What a fucking sweetheart...
* sighs *
SO
I'M SICK
MY BODY IS KILLING ME
I'm FREEZING and BURNING UP
I can't EAT or DRINK
OR SLEEP
THIS IS SO MUCH FUN.
IT's 1 AM NOW
LOLLLLLZ
or not...
For a future reference remind me not to waste my precious time with Mike again.
He doesn't make me happy.
Roland doesn't make me happy either.
Sadly I love trev
He's a great guy
but I'm not entirely happy with him either....
chris...
makes me happy..
I'm going to go be lovestruck again...now..
right now...
lullll
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| I had a date |
[27 Oct 2004|11:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 disappointed |
] |
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music |
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Jet - Look What You've Done |
] |
AND WHAT A CRAPPY DATE IT WAS
UNLESS YOU LIKE BEING LEFT ALONE, MADE FUN OF, AND LIED TO
GUESS WHO!
MIKE!
HAAAAA
WHO WOULD OF GUESSED?!
I SURE WOULD HAVE..
OH YEAH
HE even had the NERVE to ask for sexual favors
and I say sexual favors because HE HAD NO INTENTION OF GOING OUT WITH ME OR ACTUALLY PERSUING A RELATIONSHIP
HE THINKS HE DID
OHHH NO because IF HE DID HE WOULD OF PUT HIS ARM AROUND ME FOR LONGER THEN 1/2 a second and ACTED LIKE IT.
I MEAN I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY HAD TO GET UPSET FOR HIM TO KISS ME
WHAT A PITY PARTY
Seriously though
I AM DONE WITH GUYS.
THIS IS IT.
I have been HURT so many times and I can't even count them all on my two hands.
I don't TRUST guys anymore.
Mike PROMISED me he wasen't going to play these games anymore and he turns around and breaks it
I thought it was funny that I was supposed to think he actually liked me.
OH BUT HE DOESN'T NOW
CAUSE I GOT UPSET
HAAA
That's the best part
ACT LIKE YOU CARE UNTIL YOU GET/DON'T GET WHAT YOU WANT!
A.K.A. I WANT SEXUAL FAVORS
FUCK YOU!
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| I am better now |
[23 Oct 2004|05:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 satisfied |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Papa Roach - Last Resort |
] |
I would say I'm sorry about that random outburst down there
BUT I'M NOT.
Like I said, He deserves it.
YEAH and you know what
Mike called me again
DEAR MIKE,
FUCKING GIVE UP. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU. YOU A LIAR AND A CHEAT.
LOVE,
KRISTEN
GET THE MESSAGEE??!!
I HOPE YOU DO.
Can we alllll telll I have issues with guys?
I admit it
I have horrible, horrible issues with guys.
No guy has proven to me that all guys aren't the same.
I can't even say " yet " because I don't believe it will ever happen.
Every single guy I have encounter has fucked up up in more ways then one.
I have no trust in any male at all.
I don't open up to people anymore, especially males.
I have been hurt so many times by males that I have no problem hurting them back just as much as they hurt me.
* shrugs *
I hope this is what Chris and Mike wanted because this is what they are getting from now on.
This is what THEY created.
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| OK YOU KNOW WHAT??! |
[20 Oct 2004|06:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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angry |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Celldweller - Frozen |
] |
I am flipping mad
Chris pulled the SAME OLD SHIT
Remember back in the old day when he would act like he liked me, then we were just friends, and THEN finally he dissapeared for a while?
WELL HE DID IT AGAIN
Unfortunately I AM NOT FUCKING AMUSED
and I am so ready to let lose this journal alll over his band's website all over again
You know how I do
You hurt me.
I hurt you.
The posting of this journal fucking hurts him.
So fucking BE IT
and while I'm at it.
Let me take the time to say that dear old Christopher Applegate is fucking RETARDED LIKE WHAT.
OMFG OMFG!
I USED HIS NAME IN THE JOURNAL
NOW I'M REALLY GONNA GET IT
TOO BAD I DON'T GIVE A FUCK
I'm SICK of CARING about that fucking emotionless, bad excuse for a human being.
It gets me nowhere.
I am now " PROUD TO BE AN ASSHOLE ".
Why shouldn't I be?
Chris taught me how.
He taught me tooo well one might say.
I guess that's his other punishment.
He deserves every BIT of it
EVERY LITTLE INCH.
Yeah so let me further his anger by telling you ALL about the last conversation that kinda went something like this:
Me: I think I realized a problem I have. Sometime you come off as being unemotional and that really bothers me because I'm an emotional person
Chris: Fine but why are you telling me this. What's the point?
THIS LED TO:
Chris: It's not like I treat you special or anything. ( YEAH OK YOU FUCKING JERK )
THAT LEAD TO:
Me: Ok Then forget me
Chris: I don't want to do that ( WHY THE HELL NOT?!! IT'S NOT LIKE I'M SPECIAL OR ANYTHING, RIGHT?!?!?! YOU SAID IT CHRIS. NOW FUCKING GO THROUGH WITH IT. )
That was the general conversation.
There were other things that he said that really pissed me off to some point.
Me: get some other fucking slut to do your dirty work. I'm turning into a big slut because of you.
Chris: Fine. Your not a slut though.
Me: Yeah I am.
Somewhere around there I went to dance class EXTREMELY AGITATED may I add.
Chris decided " HEY IT'S THAT COOL TO PISS KRISTEN OFF! LET'S KEEP MESSAGING HER!"
Chris: Do you really not want to know me anymore.
Me: No I don't not want to know you.
Chris: You don't want know me anymore??!!?! WHY??!!? ( ....dumb fucking blond didn't I just fucking say that I did want to know you??!!!
Me: I DO want to know you but you like to hurt me
Chris: I don't LIKE to hurt you. I just think it works out that way. ( WTF?! )
Me: Well it doesn't work out. I love you and whether you choose to lie, you love me too. You push me away anywoo.
Chris: I do. So don't push me away either and we'lll bee fine ( UHH not actually we won't be fine as long as you continue your FUCKING BULLSHIT. What exactly is the fucking " I do " for anyway? You DO push me away? You DO love me? You better be more fucking accurate because I sure as hell am not a mind reader. I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE TO READ MY FUCKING MIND. SO WHY DO YOU ALWAYS MAKE ME FUCKING READ YOURS???!! By the way I wish your pretty philosophy worked out for everyone but unfortunately It's no way to fucking live. You can TRY and make it a way to live as much as you want. It won't work on ME though because by ignoring problems things WON'T be fine. They'll just get to this DAMN point where I have to actually PISS you OFF by writing alllll about us in this DAMN THING. I don't you don't want THAT so you should REALLY rethink your philosophy over again. BTW WHY DOES EVERY STUPID PROBLEM I HAVE LEAD TO FUCKING RELATIONSHIPS???!! AND ANOTHER THING. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TREAT ME SPECIAL YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. )
Me: * I forget what I said *
Chris: WEEW Your telling ME. It'll all be fine HUN ( DON'T CALL ME FUCKING HUN, BABY, SWEETHEART, OR ANY OTHER OF YOUR GOD DAMN PET NAMES. IT MAKES ME FEEL TOOOOO SPECIAL and I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT THAT!!! )
Me: * more stupid bullshit *
Chris: I know but i just need you to care about you before you care about me. That's the only way you'll be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone. Take care baby. ( MORE FUCKING DUMB PHILOSOPHY! LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. WHERE DID I SAY THAT I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT MYSELF??!?! I FUCKING LOVE MYSELF TO FUCKING DEATH. You've known me for a YEAR and you don't even know THAT YET..OBVIOUSLY I WOULDN'T OF TOLD YOU MY PROBLEM IF I DIDN'T CARE ABOUT MYSELF....WHAT A DUMBASS......DIDN'T I FUCKING TELL YOU TO STOP USING PET NAMES??!! )
Me * blah blah blah *
Chris: It'll be ok, LOVE. Goodnight Kristen. ( MORE PET NAMES....RA RA RA.... AND MORE " IT'LL ALL BE OK " BULLSHIT. Do I have to explain again why it WON'T be ok??!! I really don't like to REPEAT MYSELF...EVEN IF YOU DID SCARE ME BY USING ME NAME. THAT'S ALMOST LIKE MY PARENTS WHEN THEY GET FUCKING PISSED,. They don't scare me. YOU fucking don't either. )
By the way, I added commentaries in.
SUPRISE!
ANYWAYS
AFTER This so called conversation.
HE DISSAPEARED!
RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.
LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE BIT ABOUT HIS TIMELINE
PHASE 1: Your a girl I can date
PHASE 2: We should just be friends
PHASE 3: * CHRIS DISSAPEARS FROM THE FACE OF THE PLANET *
YEP THAT'S HOW IT GOES
Either that or he has a BRAND NEW SLUT WHO REALLY doesn't care about HIM at all.
SHE JUST CARES ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH A MEMBER OF THE FUCKING BAND
AMAZING!
After ALL of Chris' WHINING about how " GIRLS ONLY LIKE HIM FOR KEYBOARDING "
He puts ME, a person who could care less if he plays an instrument or not, away
and get with a girl THAT DOES CARE about his instrument playing.
MAY I ADD THAT HIS KEYBOARDING IS PROBABLY the ONLY reason that girl even WANTS him in the fucking first place.
T.R.U.E. T.H.A.T.
I think some payback is in line.
MAJORLY.
This is only part of it.
He really hurt me
and I really want to hurt him back.....
I want him to feel how much he hurt me.....
He will too.
ANOTHER FUNNY SUBJECT.
WE ALL REMEMBER MIKE RIGHT?
THE ONE THAT LED ME ON AND LIED TO ME ABOUT GETTING BACK WITH HIS EX???!
WELL
THAT FUCKING JERK CALLED ME YESTERDAY
I thought I told him I hated him and I never wanted to talk to me again
OH WAIT
HIS G/F BROKE UP WITH HIM!!!
THAT EXPLAINS ALOTTT!
Si I guess THIS MEANS He wants to use me as a pawn to make his ex jealous.
I GET IT.
WELL HE BETTER BE FUCKING KIDDING IF HE THINKS I'M TAPPING THAT
He fucking had his chance and he fucked up.
I hate him and I told him not to call me.
He doesn't listen very well.
Then I had another idea.
MAYBE HE WANTS TO THREATEN ME AGAIN!
OH BOY!
I DO LOVE IT WHEN PEOPLE THREATEN ME
ESPECIALLY WHEN IT INVOLVES KILLING ME
IT'S SO MATURE.
Didn't we use " I want to kill you " when we were like TWELVE.
and don't get me started on his g/f
" I WANT TO GET MY NIPPLES PIERCED WITH MY EX B/F AND I WANT TO SHOW PEOPLE "
YEAH BECAUSE SHE ISN'T A SLUT
ISN'T THAT WHAT MIKE SAID?
SHE ISN'T A SLUT?!!
LMFAO
OH HO Mike I think you need some enlightenment.
SHE IS A SLUT.
SHE IS A BIG SLUT.
NEWS FLASH!
I know your going to live in your own little fantasy world and pretend she isn't a slut.
BUT GUESS WHAT!?
SHE IS
You know what's REALLY FUNNY?
She dumped you twice.
Who told you she was just going to dump you?
ME!
THAT'S RIGHT ME.
I GUESS I'M WAY TOO SMART!
Mike let's that girl walk allllll over him
HE'S SO HARDCORE
Too bad when it comes down to it he's a big fucking PANSY
I MEAN WHAT a PUSSY!
I'm 18 and I'm going to let my 16 year old g/f walk alllll over me, even if it does hurt me.
fucking weak.
It's like HE DOESN'T HAVE A MIND OF HIS OWN
HE's NOT EVEN A PERSON WITHOUT HER.
REALLY fucking weak.
I do have to say this kid is the fucking most RETARDED person I HAVE EVER MET.
I'm hoping he calls back OR that he comes online.
I'm really looking forward to see what he says the reason for calling is.
HAAA
It's probably going to be sooooo fucking funny.
and I am just LOOKING for an arguement.
-EDIT-
NO I AM NOT JUST LOOKING FOR AN ARGUEMENT
I SERIOUSLY AM ANGRY.
|
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| I Had A Moment |
[03 Oct 2004|06:55pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Yellowcard - Only One |
] |
This is all caused due to Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind.
I watched the movie.
It was intense.
I could relate to both Joel and Clementine so much.
Joel because he is soft spoken and an artist.
Clementine because she is implusive and a vindicative bitch. Clementine for so many reasons. Clementine because she has the same style as me. She usually wear what I would wear. She's blunt at some times. She can be harsh.
The real conflict was erasing memories though.
Would I choose to erase someone from my memory is they hurt me...
I decided I already have technically erased some people from my memory.
There are some people I just don't talk to because of some things they have done.
There are some people who I DO talk to but I'm wondering if it is exactly the right thing...
Chris..
Maybe it's in my best interest not to talk to him.
I don't like myself when I'm dealing with him...
Everything's so dramatic.
There can never just be a yes or a no.
There's always excuses and reasons.
Not to mention it's so hard to talk to him
not because of HIS BAND
HE makes it hard and in the end after I tell him to forget it all
I don't feel alive anymore.
I feel like he's turned me into this robot.
I feel like I can't express myself to him
I feel so fucking empty.
.I dunno...
After my parents go to bed, I'm watching the movie again...
I've already watched it twice...
It's horrible.
I'M horrible.
I just want to fly away..
I NEED to go somewhere....
I really don't feel any better at all
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| Dude |
[02 Oct 2004|07:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 awake |
] |
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music |
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Deftones - Be Quiet And Drive |
] |
Watch " Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind " sometime.
That movie is a thinker.
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| Chris |
[29 Sep 2004|07:41am] |
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mood |
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infuriated |
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music |
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Rise Against - Tip The Scales |
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Yeah I'm fucking pissed at him like fuck.
I imed him last night, totally feeling like shit because my mom was being a fucking psycho.
What do I get?
A bunch of stupid, EASY advice.
It's easy for him to fucking say "Well just do this " because he's not fucking in the same situation
and he fucking thinks things are sooooo fucking simple
NOT ONLY THAT
but I startesd thinking about EVERYTHING
Like He tells me he loves me
He needs to fucking prove it.
Words don't fucking mean anything to me anymore
He tries to create this new category called " SEMI - GIRLFRIEND " which is supposedly WHAT I AM
To me, It's a NEW category created to make ME feel better because he stil lrefuses to go out with me
Truthfully, it just makes me feel like shit.
He thinks I don't know that he's playing the fucking keyboards and fucking other girls etc.
OH I FUCKING KNOW
How can I not tell.
Whenever I go over to his house and he gets what HE WANTS, that's it.
WHO CARES ABOUT WHAT KRISTEN FUCKING WANTS
IT'S ALL ABOUT WHAT CHRIS WANTS!!!
Not to mention when we're in PUBLIC
OOOO
Yeah
That's a fucking card.
We went over to his friend Joe's house for whatever.
He put his hand on me then jerks it away because OMFG WE CAN'T DO THAT IN PUBLIC
WHAT WILL THE FANS THINK
Then he sits there basically acting we're just fucking friends or something
WE ARE NOT JUST FUCKING FRIENDS
I was happy to get out of there
I can't say that fucking car ride back to his house was fucking fun
Usually he holds my hand or something
NOPE
NADDA
We get back to his house and he sprouts his fucking bullshit about how " I'll see you again baby blah blah blah
* INSERT FUCKING BULLSHIT IN THIS AREA * "
Then last night happened and I realized.
I REALLY DON'T MEAN SHIT TO HIM AT ALL
I'm sitting there crying and having a freaking breakdown
MAYBE the breakdown was at the wrong time but SHIT HAPPENS
WELL CHRIS APPARENTLY DOESN'T GRASP THE CONCEPT
HE says " feel better. in movies. "
I say " FUCK HIM "
I'm fucking sick of all this
and mainly about his bullshit reasons for not going out with me.
I'M IN A BAND - CHRIS
LIKE THAT FUCKING MATTERS. WHAT DOES THAT HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH US? SO YOUR IN A BAND? I COULD BE THE QUEEN OF FUCKING ENGLAND AND I WOULDN'T FUCKING CARE. I WOULDN'T LOVE YOU ANY LESS BECAUSE I WAS IN A FUCKING BAND.
This has shown ME that money is more importent then the people that care about him
PRETTY SHITTY IF YOU ASK ME!
and THE REASONS DON'T STOP THERE.
THERE'S PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT ONE CAME FROM
GIRLS for instance.
I WANT TO BE SINGLE SO I CAN FUCK YOU AND OTHER GIRLS
Yeah I called him a " little slut " when we were driving back from JOE's house
HE LAUGHED
and I FUCKING THOUGHT HE WAS STUPID BECAUSE HE THOUGHT I DIDN'T KNOW
rg
fdb
vcbv
nv
n
bvn
htgf
htr
s
sedf
sd
fsd
fd
vcb
cb
cb
vcb
YOU KNPW WHAT
FUCK ALL THIS
He's a fucking asshole and he's gonan have to do alot of fucking begging to getm e to come over his house again
I'm not fucking playing anymore.
I'm NOT GOING TO BE A FUCKING SECRET.
AND I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF HIS BANDMATES READ THIS
I DON'T FUCKING CARE IF HIS FANS READ THIS.
I don't want to be a fucking secret anymore and it's not fucking fair to me
FUCK THAT!
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| I'm Pissed |
[24 Sep 2004|08:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 creative |
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music |
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Anti-flag - Angry Young And Poor |
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SO
I text Chris at 1
NINE HOURS LATER I STILL haven't gotten an answer to my fricken question
and THEN I start thinking..
AND I PISS MYSELF OFF
gddg
dfg
fdg
df
gdf
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Hell I've been pissed off for three days now
and i'm pmsing
and I'm about to text Chris again and be like wtf....because this is fucking gay.
* rolls eyes *
I'm not even fucking emo anymore
now I'm just fucking pissed....
and I better get a fucking answer from him
or I swear to god he's going to have to do alot to get me to hang out with him
.
That's That
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| HERE I AM |
[23 Sep 2004|10:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Deftones - Shut Up And Drive |
] |
THE GREAT INSOMNIAC
OR THE GREAT RECENTLY DEPRESSED THING THAT LIVES IN NJ
WHICHEVER ONE FLOATS YOUR BOAT.
and HELL
I CAN'T BE ANGRY.
I MAY AS WELL JUST BE SAD.
I walked in front of a moving VAN today and it was driving soo fast.
I was so sure it was going to hit me..
Imagine how dissapointed I was when I actually made it acrossed the street
PRETTY DISSAPOINTED
I don't even want to do anything tommorow
YET I have classes...
MAYBE I'll go to Matt's house
WHO KNOWS WHEN I CAN HANG OUT WITH CHRIS
He asks if we can hang out another time
and then dissapears...
I wish I could say I like dissapearing acts
but I don't.
Magicians suck.
* rolls eyes *
Knowing Chris, he's either going to text me when I'm actually DOING something
OR when I'm SOMEWHERE else...
OR MAYBE HE JUST WON'T TEXT ME AT ALL
I love thinking of ALL the possibilites..
All the BAD possibilities....
I was going to say something totally mean and asshole-like but sadly I forgot what it was.
GD IT
I can't stand my house
or my parents
or anything
I suppose I SHOULD JUST SLEEP
I SHOULD ALWAYS SLEEP
IF I SLEEP, NOTHING BAD CAN HAPPEN
truezor..
g
fdhh
fdh
hdf
hfd
h
f
g
fdg
dd
gfd
gfd
gf
I still wish I knew when we are hanging out
I don't care how much you love me
because you also love to make me angry
and wait
and wait
and wait
and wait
and WAIT....
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| Still Freaking Emo |
[23 Sep 2004|04:06pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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anxious |
] |
| [ |
music |
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Stone Temple Pilots - Sour Girl |
] |
Ok so Yesterday me and Chris were supposed to hang out.
WRONG!
Never happened.
I'm not mad at Chris but I am mad at myself for not seeing it coming.
I had an idea that it was going to happen and I just shoved it away
I definately need to listen to my ESP more....
Anyways I went to sleep upset even though Chris told me he loved me and that we WOULD hang out and it wouldn't be like this next time.
* sighs *
Whatever
I'm not going to get into it
I don't have the fucking strength for it...
My point is if he's thinking that there's a KRYSSIT3N in EVERY STATE who is just like me, then he's going to be throughly dissapointed.
That's that.
I had a long talk with myself again in the car.
I figured that I'm going to die ANYWAY so wtf..
Why are we wasting precious minutes?!
I mean I could die tommorow
and in my silly laid-back opinion I figure we should just go out because tommorow I could get hit by a car
and I seriously am not liking the idea of dying before I had a chance to go out with him..
I mean HELL
MY STEP-FATHER could kill me tommorow
God KNOWS he wants to
At least if I had him once I could die happy...
Sorry I sound morbid
but I don't believe I am being so.
I believe I am actually being quite rational.
bleh.
I seriously was supposed to talk about this with him the other night...
and I still WANT to but I never get a chance...
and I have so much to say but everytime he makes plans and then CANCELS
and then I have to wait until the NEXT time..
It's not his fault but pretty soon if I don't get to say something I'm going to fucking get angry....
It's funny cause Chris told me TO open my mouth when I used to see him all the time and I wouldn't do it..
but now that I can, he can't listen...
How ironic...
oi..
nb
gn
vbn
b
nvb
nv
nbn
vnv
n
YES I'M STILL EMO
AND I SERIOUSLY WISH I WASEN'T
Maybe if I BLEED I can DRAIN the Emo out??!?!??!?!??!
maybe.
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