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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
TheWriter01's Blurty:
| Saturday, September 13th, 2003 | |
| 1:16 pm | A New Direction Was talking to  ricyosAm beginning to work on a new collection of poems I'm going to call Love's Secret. It is going to be a collection of romantic poems I'm writing. As this one is being written I am going to work on a fantasy novel. Hopefully it won't be so generic it can't be published. I may stop it and work on a romance novel that is floating around inside my head. What would the romance novel be called? Current Mood:  creativeCurrent Music: Don't Take Your Guns to Town, Johnny Cash |
| Wednesday, August 20th, 2003 | |
| 3:31 pm | The Headache Has Abated Some The Evil Dwarf has been beaten back with caffeine. I have managed to update The Quill and am finally getting to my journals. I've been wanting to do these two things for a while. Besides this I have made a lot of telephone calls for the day and I have also managed to get some good information for when Carlos comes home. Hopefully he will be home in time for Peggy and the wheelchair. I need him to come home. Sunlight makes my head get tingly and I can't afford for it to get tingly for a while. I would like a brief respite from that nastiness. Current Mood:  grateful |
| Wednesday, August 13th, 2003 | |
| 1:38 pm | Changes Changed the look of my Blurty and I can't decide if I like this look as well as the other or not. I guess I will go with it for a while and see if I like it or not. If I don't, I can always change it back. Current Mood:  anxious |
| 1:17 pm | Sorrows Today is Wednesday, the day before my birthday and I am looking back on this past year and trying very hard to organize it in my head. I have already cried on Carlos' shoulder and refuse to cry on anyone else's. What good is it truly going to do? Carlos was right in that respect. Honestly, what good is it going to do to do any more crying? In the past year look at what has happened: 1) My health has declined rapidly; 2) My Mom has passed away; 3) I made a really good friend on the Internet, one I could talk to unabashedly about writing and she has passed away; 4) The van burned up; 5) The guy we were buying the van from is needing his money so we may not be able to get another vehicle for ourselves because he is needing his money; 6) My brand new wheelchair has broken after I just recently tasted that illusive freedom of independence; 7) I'm still not published (close but no cigar). Compared to last year, how is this year? What are the pluses for this year? Though family members and friends have passed away, I know they are OK. Carlos and I are OK from the van fire. The wheelchair will eventually be replaced and I will taste that wonderful freedom again. I am actually writing a little more now. I have lived another year. A big plus for this year is that the cloying depression and darkness isn't hanging around me, but the feeling of such sorrow is with me. It hit me this morning when I woke up and the first thing on my mind was my wheelchair. I was able to handle it yesterday. I will be able to handle it today, but the sorrow of it is nagging at me, gnawing at me like a hungry dog with a bone, and I am the bone. I realized yesterday -- no matter what happens, I have to put forth a strong face to Carlos. I can't break down or show any weakness unless it is absolutely too overpowering for me to handle. If I am strong then he is strong. The wheelchair nearly broke my heart. Someone was there who knew what it meant. I wanted to just break down and cry then and there, but I didn't. I didn't because I couldn't, or felt I couldn't. You know, I don't really want to be in Lexington any more. I want to be some place else far away. We can't financially afford it. Father T said we couldn't afford it. Some times I feel that if I don't have a change of scenery I am going to just curl up like a dying flower and wilt. How do I bloom where I am? I think I have forgotten how. I don't know what is a weed any more I don't believe: I don't want to pull the flowers with the weeds. Am I depressed today? Yes, today I am a little depressed. Hopefully it will pass soon. It will pass. Surely it will pass. Current Mood:  contemplativeCurrent Music: Anime |
| Tuesday, August 12th, 2003 | |
| 3:16 pm | I HAVE THE MUMMY AGAIN! Wataru came for a visit and brought me birthday gift! He brought me The Mummy on DVD!!!! Does everyone know what this means? This means I can keep the DVD at the computer and can watch it at my heart's content on the computer and can send screen caps to people, or just screen caps to my nice fandom places that are hidden throughout the web that only I know about! *sigh* And there is much rejoicing in the village! Current Mood:  cheerful |
| Monday, August 11th, 2003 | |
| 9:33 pm | Hmmmmm I tried, but it didn't work. |
| 8:29 pm | Monday, trying to figure out how to do something I am really trying to figure out how to put a picture of things in my journal entries and I am having a horribly hard time of it! |
| Wednesday, July 30th, 2003 | |
| 4:06 pm | Wednesday It has been an emotional 24 hours. Current Mood:  relieved |
| Monday, July 28th, 2003 | |
| 5:59 pm | Monday Well, went to have my blood drawn today and Carlos was so hyped of the possibility of me being pregnant (because of my still continued desire for green beans) that he stopped by the doctor's office and told them I wanted a pregnancy test added to my blood work. I am so worried for him now. How is he going to react when it comes back negative? My vignettes were rejected today. I am saddened and almost depressed by it. Carlos really wants me to go to the icon exhibit tonight and now I'm not certain I want to. My wheelchair didn't come today. That makes 3 sads in a row. Carlos just wants me to roll with them and keep on going. He doesn't understand that sadnesses actually take a moment to process and then let slide away. I want to call Wataru, but if I do that, then how is Wataru going to get any rest from me and my problems? Now is when I would really like to curl up in Neo's arms and just weep. Eddie keeps offering his shoulder, but I don't want Eddie's shoulder. I don't trust it. Current Mood:  sad |
| Sunday, July 20th, 2003 | |
| 10:05 pm | Sunday Part II Have had a relatively good day today. Carlos and I went to church and then we went downstairs for coffee hour. We spent most of our time talking to the Father's sons, as usual. MaryBrd said she loved my poems. She especially liked "Seeking Silence." In it she said I "explored the stillness necessity" and "the frightful stillness of waiting." When I wrote it that was what I was feeling, trying to get away from that "frightful stillness" for the other kind but really wasn't certain it had come through. Hearing someone say they had actually gotten it nearly floored me. I felt like a writer at that moment: something I had actually intended got through to someone. It was great. MaryBrd further said that if I had any more poetry I would like someone to give the once over, she would be more than happy to read it for me. She was so eager for the poetry I actually felt my ego stroked! LOL When I told Carlos we both thought of the poetry book. Now all I must do is find it and give her a hard copy so she can tell me what she thinks! I feel almost enthused about something. My enthusiasm level is beginning to jostle just a little. It began Thursday with wrestling. Carlos was gone helping Simon. I was home alone. I watched wrestling and totally had a blast all alone. The best part was when The Undertaker came out on his bike. Just seeing those long legs in those tight jeans were enough to make me smile. |
| 9:30 pm | Sunday It has been so long since I have updated, I thought I had better do so in order to keep my Blurty open, and to make certain that I started keeping some type of a journal again. I've made a decision: I'm going to stop standing still. I am going to move forward. I'm not exactly quite sure how to do that really. I just know I'm going to do it. One thing I am going to do is enjoy my fanfic. I am going to enjoy my Neo/Matrix fanfic and simply write it for the heck of it. Why not? I haven't really written anything of merit or worth in a while, so if I haven't done that, why not write something for purest fun simply to get back into the swing of things? |
| Tuesday, June 17th, 2003 | |
| 4:28 pm | Tuesday Carlos got the mini-van for me this past week-end from Simon. He is presently gone to look for a car for himself since ours is slowly dying. We're going to have to do something to make certain he gets back and forth to school and work. At the moment he hasn't really begun looking for a mechanical CADD position. He just wants to rest I believe. I hope he does. I am losing patience with him, but there is nothing left for me to do. I haven't written anything in ages and it is tearing me up inside. I feel like I'm drying up and withering away. I didn't realize that until I had cause to go back through and look through some poetry I'd written last week. The despondency in it is so thick you can cut it with a knife. Where is my creativity going? What am I using it for? I can feel it building and growing and then it just drifts away into so much smoke. I have to get these short stories done. I have, too! There is just a necessity to it. If I don't I won't finish anything ever again. I two done, almost a third. I can do this. I know I can. Right? Current Mood:  annoyed |
| Friday, June 6th, 2003 | |
| 6:21 pm | Just rip my heart out and put it back in upside down I thought there was some semblance of hope today, and then I called to check on my aunt who had heart surgery today and discovered from my cousin she has COPD and emphysema, two of the four things that killed my Mom. My Cousin was oblivious to the dangers of the situation my aunt was in. Everything of the past 18 months came back like a flood. I'm surprised at how casually I was able to speak with her, my cousin, that is. My insides were screaming all of these instructions, but my mouth was speaking so calmly, and every answer was a negative: No, she hadn't checked to see if there was any broth in the house; no she hadn't thought about ginger ale or sprite to drink besides water; no she didn't know why the nurse was so concerned about Aunt Mary's oxygen intake level and what it was; and no, she hadn't considered why any of this was important. In the background I could hear my Uncle Sam say, "Ask (me) she'll know what to do." God, my heart feels ripped out and put back in upside down! Current Mood:  cold |
| Tuesday, May 20th, 2003 | |
| 8:33 am | Boot strings...Ho! I'm tugging on those old boot strings again. I just can't "drop the pen" now. I've spent far too long holding onto it, and, quite frankly, I've become fond of breathing. So, I believe I'll just keep trying. I said this journal was where I was going to just put those important pieces of information and wataruI need a hero so very badly I've even come up with a romance novel idea that is so very strong I'm probably going to end up writing it secretyly (keeping all knowledge of it away from my husband if possible) so as not to cause any problems between us. Plus, as I'm doing that, I am also going to work on the vignettes. I'm going to get both of them done before the end of summer if at all possible, and keep the house going, too, if that's possible. If he can just feel safe then I should be all right in keeping up my own little fantasies. I'm not unhappy with my hubby, I love him. He just needs something from me my shattered heart just doesn't know if it can give at the moment, but then, God gives it a superhuman strength I never knew it could possess, but as the song says, "I need a hero", so I just may have to create them until he's ready to take over. I can say, with a happy smile, at least he is trying these past few days. Carlos is trying with all his heart and he's getting better. Maybe he is being the inspiration for the hero I have in my head? Hmmmmmm.... Current Mood:  touched |
| Sunday, May 18th, 2003 | |
| 12:13 am | Just back from the party and there was much champaigne Although I did not want to go to the party, there was much champaigne, and who am I to say no to such a wonderful thing as that! I am still somewhat tipsy. Add that to my medication and I am a very happy camper. However, our car may be dying and we might not be able to go to church tomorrow. The champaigne was very good. Current Mood:  drunk |
| Saturday, May 17th, 2003 | |
| 2:08 pm | Drabble here and there Carlos is gone to help out at church and then gone to work at school on a project he desperately needs to have finished. He is very afraid he is going to fail. So I am here alone, on a Saturday. I have given up, really, of trying to spend any time with him alone on Saturdays. He is always helping Deacon doing something at church or working on his projects. I suppose when he starts working being an architect the same will continue to be true, so I am just going to have to come up with special plans for myself for Saturdays and leave it at that. Talked to wataruYou know, I could have saved myself a lot of worry and trouble if I had just accepted he enjoyed being apathetic and lonely. I am such a dunderhead at times. Carlos accepted a party invitation tonight from another couple. I wonder what type of person I will have to be tonight? |
| Tuesday, May 13th, 2003 | |
| 7:23 pm | I am tired... I feel as if I have been working answering the phones all day, not something I like doing. I used to do that when I was working for SSA. I used to come home and Carlos would have me to do all this other calling to handle house stuff and I just wanted to hit him up side the head with the receiver! Today and yesterday I had to be on the phone so much I feel much the same way again. I am so tired of the phone! Tried to update the LJ but it was acting funny and driving me nuts so I am just coming here, the safest harbor in my storm. I believe I am going to be quiet and just listen to the silence for a while and then I am going to go and watch TV and just try very hard not to think about anything serious for any amount of time. Tomorrow I am going to write and Carlos is going to have to deal with not having any phone calls made. It happens every time some good story starts flowing that something else begins taking precidence over it. I'm not losing this plan this time. I'm going through with my idea and I'm not stopping. The first draft is going to be down onto paper and then the second draft and then the spit and polish and then I'm submitting the bloody thing. While it is being decided upon I will work on something else. This time I am going to make it all the way through with a project despite whatever he has going on in his section of our lives! Plus, I have my idea for the vampire story that will bring respect from Mr. wataruCurrent Mood:  tiredCurrent Music: silence |
| Saturday, May 10th, 2003 | |
| 7:45 pm | Stuff Web Pages are Made of and Such Carlos is gone to pitch my Web Page idea to YouKnowWho. I doubt it will be caught. YouKnowWho wants as much free as possible. He is like that. Cheap, plus, he doesn't understand the Internet, as I've said before, I just don't remember if I said it here or on LJ. All I know is that I did a lot of work, wrote up a business plan and did a lot of figuring for someone to snap at me, and I'm not one to let people snap at me very often, especially someone supposedly who is a friend and YouKnowWho is not as close a friend as can snap at me any time as he chooses. He can forget he is in America with his wife any time he chooses, but not with me. I'll let it slide and not say anything to him, but I'll aways remember it. Business dealings will be done through Carlos from this point forward and I won't care a bit to leave him hanging in the middle. Let him dig himself out of the hole he puts himself in with me if he so chooses. Not a very Christian idea or action, but I've already gone my extra miles for him and he has treated me very badly; I'll help him out in other ways, but for this Web Page my mind is already made up. If he doesn't take me up on it he has made a bad choice and he will discover it later on down the line. Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I am not in Leslie County for my nephew's wedding, as you can see, and I am not sad about it either. We don't have the money to go. I guess if it was meant to have worked out, God would have gotten us there. I'm not handling this Mother's Day very well at all. I wish I didn't have to go to church tomorrow. I wish I didn't have to go out at all tomorrow at all, but I must go to church. I have to keep going, I can't stop. I have to keep trying to live and move and BE. It is so difficult some times. Sometimes through the past week the only times I've known I've been living has been knowing my heart has been beating, and when I've been working so hard on the Web Page idea. These mood swings are terrible! Are they ever going to just mellow out so I can be at peace again? I think I'm going to go make a Web Page for Wolverine at www.81x.com. Give myself something to do. I'll let everyone know when it is finished. Current Mood:  blahCurrent Music: Astral Wav, Etnica |
| Friday, May 9th, 2003 | |
| 5:31 pm | *sigh*  Sheesh, another fangirl. Well, I dont blame you. How can any woman resist a sexy body, and the ruggedness that is Wolverine? Hes a loner by nature, a heavy drinker, and is plagued by memories of his past...or lack thereof. It may take time to work your way into his heart, but when you do, he'll do anything for his woman. Just be careful, he has a tendency to stab people in his sleep. ^_^;; Who Is Your Ideal X-Men 2 Mate? (ladies only) brought to you by Quizilla Ah, feel much better now that this is posted. Who else could it have been? I mean, really? Hubby would have found it quite surprising it it had been someone else, of course. Why do I always pick the tough, loveable guys like My Guy? Have Web Paged my eyes out again. If you want to know exactly what has been going on there just go check out mountainlaurelwataruSorry, I haven't been keeping up here as I've been on LJ, but things have suddenly become hectic. Don't quite know how that has happened really. Everything has just expanded quickly of the past few days. The powerchair people called today and a representative will be out there on the 20th to do measurements so I may actually have my new power wheelchair by our anniversary date of the 30th! I'm so excited I've tried to do too much and hurt my ankle which Hubby is not going to be very happy about when he gets home, but maybe the good news is going to cheer him up some! LOL Now that the web page stuff may actually might be out of the way I'm finally going to get to settle back down to writing once the weekend is over. Tomorrow after Vespers probably Carlos and I are going to get more of the house taken care of and then Sunday after church I'm hoping we're going to be able to take more stuff to Good Will and then we can just relax. Maybe the rain will slack off for a few days and we can relax and the pain will go away a little further and we can enjoy each others company without me having to be so . . . careful about bumps. I can't wait for the powerchair! This means I can go shopping without Carlos having to be right there at his birthday and Christmas! I can get him presents without him knowing exactly what they are! Of course, for the first few weeks, perhaps months, Carlos is going to totally freak because he will be terrified someone is going to hurt me and worry himself silly and be ninja-esque and keep such a watch on me. I won't say anything. How could I? That is one of the most romantic things anyone could ever do for you! It does get on the nerves, but how much love that shows goes far beyond tolerance! LOL I do suspect we will be getting walkie talkies and I will probably be getting myself a new knife for my birthday from several people! Yippie! I must admit I like nice pointy knives and hand-axes! Weapons are just so cool! They let you defend yourself and look so cool while doing it! (I just really hope I never have to do it, really; however, I prefer to be prepared.) Well, signing off, sort of. Have to check on two things before hubby gets home and then I am gone for the evening, or until hubby gets back on the computer to do some research for classes. He needs to get a paper done I believe. He may fall asleep while I'm working on one portion of a web page. Current Mood: cheerfulCurrent Music: Content Ou Non |
| Monday, May 5th, 2003 | |
| 8:01 pm | X2----FANTASTIC Went to see X2 yesterday after church with some friends. When Carlos and I first said we were going it was just one couple. By the time we got there there was an extra couple. Knock me over with a feather. Never had a triple date before. Have decided I likes Wolverine. Yep! Yep! Yep! Likes Wolvie a LOT! Going to have to start looking up that dude and seeing what else he's been in and a few picks to start pasting around. rosenho You are Professor X! You are a very effective teacher, and you are very committed to those who learn from you. You put your all into everything you do, to some extent because you fear failure more than anything else. You are always seeking self-improvement, even in areas where there is nothing you can do to improve. Which X-Men character are you most like? brought to you by Quizilla So, who are you? After we went to the movies Carlos and I went over to Bob and Kalapana's to help them out. Carlos helped Bob re-arrange the store and I helped Kalapana make Tapan a scrapbook page for two teachers. The night would have been perfect if Tapan hadn't thrown a temper tantrum, but he is only five years old and I am a firm believer in "discipline" (not abuse). Although he did get on my nerves, Kalapana and I managed to have a good time and everyone was exhausted by the time we left the store. Now my break is over: back to working on my stories. Current Mood:  artistic |