8:51am: College Blows
As I'm sure you can guess based on last night's post, school is back to where it always goes - the shitter. I'm really starting to think that it's just not for me. That maybe this higher education shit is just something I can't do. Don't get me wrong, of course, it's not that I'm throwing my hands up in the air and giving up completely - but I've just struggled so hard with it. I've just put in so much time and energy and money and it's just all come back to crap.
I'm not saying it's the school's fault (although, I will have to say that Kent Stark should shoulder some of the blame for hiring such morons to run some of their classes -- I have an interesting story or two). While I didn't like my time so much at Kent Stark, being at Stark State has been a great experience. Closer to being a "Real School" than Kent Stark, really. Which brings me to another point.
Am I just in this because everyone else is? Am I only going to school because it's what Steph and Kyle did and what Eric and Danny and Smitty do? Is it because I'm still, in some ways, chasing after that dream I had back in high school about living in a dorm and attending classes at a big school? And had I fulfilled that dream, would it have all ended the same?
Last night, I prayed to God that He just toss an arrow in the middle of the road. I just need something to go on. I need to know "Well, maybe I should take another semester off in the Fall so as to not overwhlem me, and then just go part-time at CSCC in the Spring" or "Well, maybe I'm just not up for school for a while and I should concentrate on finding a decent job down in Columbus."
It always ends this way. Everytime I feel like I'm moving in the right direction with college, I fuck it up big time.
I feel like Roland from "The Dark Tower," y'know? I mean, he goes through hell getting to that Tower. His friends all die, but he saves the universe, battles and defeats the Crimson King and, damn it, if he doesn't set foot in that Tower at the end. He climbs the staircase, witnessing all of the events that have transpired in his life, and arrives at long last at the top of the tower. He opens the door . . . and suddenly, sees the desert that he first crossed in the opening of the first book of the series. Roland stands there, stunned and horrified, but knows that he has no choice but to step through that damn door and start all over again. That's exactly how it feels.
I don't have any other options, do I? It's either work a shitty job and pray to God that I write something that can be published. Or it's go back to school, waste a bunch of money, and not see any results for a while.
Why isn't there a third option for people like me? Why can't I just find a job that will fit me? Why do I need some stupid-ass piece of paper that won't even get me a job in a field I want?
It's my fucking life! Why the hell do I have to conform to god damn society? Why can't I just write? Why can't I just not go to college? I'm tired of spending money on that bullshit. It's just one big fucking money machine anyways. Colleges are corporations now, so fuck 'em.
I'm sure someone is going to read this and going to say "Well, jeez, why don't you just go to class?" or "Why don't you just do well?" It's not easy for me. I get overwhelmed. I get stressed out. I miss a day here, a day there, I get other things going on, and I just get over-worked and overwhelmed and I stress myself out and I get burned out.
I'm not like the rest of you.
I just can't do it.
~W~
Current Mood: 
envious
disappointed
amused