THEW40

11:15am: On the subjects of regrets and mistakes upon the opening of a Yearbook
I used to get really depressed looking at my yearbooks -- esspecially the one from my senior year. It's mainly because I've long felt that I really messed up that year. It also made me feel like I've wasted a lot my potential. That all those "good luck in college" and all the well wishes went ever silent as soon as I tossed my cap in the air.

But tonight, quite randomly, I pulled out that senior yearbook and leafed through it. I found myself smiling, laughing, and generally amused by what I read. At long last, nostalgia replaced shame; regret was lost to understanding, and disappointed faded into compassion.

I messed some things up. My biggest regret of my senior year - quitting journalism - was like the pinacle event of my string of poor choices. In the clear vision of hindsight, I should have sought a less drastic measure in sorting through the problems I was having. But I think after all these years, I've just learned to put that behind me.

I'm in a critical stage of my life. After a series of uncertain and sometimes haphazardly made choices regarding college, I'm at long last where I want to be. It's taken me a long time to get where I am. A lot of soul-searching and a lot of patience has, at long last, taken me where I've wanted to go.

Sure, I'm not getting the "dorm life" I so drooled for as a senior, but can I honestly say that I would forfeit the friendships I made instead? If I had gone to Kent (as I had seen it through the rose-colored glasses at NOSPA in high school), would I be where I am now? Would I have such good people in my life? Would I have been able to sit out on the beach in March with a book on my lap and Tricia by my side, drawing? Would I have been able to take a long weekend to drive to Columbus?

I suppose when I pile up all the disappointments in my life since high school, I'm finally able to say that despite them, I'm happy. Stressed, but happy. I have the best friends I've ever had. I'm learning things in school that I've always wanted to learn (and not exactly going broke learning them). I'm getting married in eight months to a woman that I absolutely love and who loves me back.

There will always be regrets for me. There will always be decisions that I can only hate myself for. But it's getting this that has always been a challenge for me. It took a random look at my senior yearbook to make me understand that I've put the past behind me and I'm ready for . . . well, whatever comes next.

~W~

11:39am: Sea of Love
Man, I was listening the "Juno" soundtrack last night (thanks Trishy!) and there's a cover of "Sea of Love" by Cat Power on there. I teared up.

It's sounds pretty hooky, but when I heard this song, it was like I was swept up in a sea. A sea of memories and emotions that just kinda . . . crashed on me. I can't listen to it without tearing. I just think of all the nights on the couch watching stupid TV shows, the long phone calls when she lived down south, the dances back in high school, the cups of coffee at Starbucks and Muggz -- just everything. Whether it was good or bad, happy or sad, whatever. That song just brings it back.

Maybe it's the slightly sharp cords or her soft voice, but whatever it is, the song just feels right. It just feels achingly wonderful and delightfully emotional. It captures the feelings of a relationship without even talking about the relationship, if that makes any sense.

~W~