: Sometimes I feel like a big fat failure
I'm not issuing forth details simply to preserve my dignity (because not everyone knows about what I write about), but I will give you not in the know the gist. In the fall of 2002, I started work on a piece of fanfiction. If you don't know what fanfiction is, it's a story based on a movie, TV show, comic book, cartoon, what-have-you. These works can never really be published properly and usually just see the light of day on the Internet.
But anyways, over five years ago, I started a piece of fanfiction. It was intended to only really be a short story. However, as the story was posted on-line, there was a fair amount of positive feedback. In addition to this, I really loved writing these characters and had a ton of fun writing that story. So, I decided to continue to do so. I wasn't in school at the time and figured that this would be my chance to improve my writing skills.
Flash forward five and a half years. I finished the story back in August. All in all, it's nearly 1,500 pages. Combined with some of Tricia's art, I'm currently in the process of binding it. The first volume is bound all ready and looks awesome.
No one will read it.
Let my clarify that by saying that I don't care about it not getting published. It was never intended to be published. That's not quite what I meant by that. I mean that the four people I absolutely want to write it - Janine, Travis, Eric, and Tricia - probably won't make it past the opening story. Tricia and Travis haven't. It'll probably be layered in dust by the time Janine even looks at it next and Eric . . . well, it's probably on the floor of his car and will be until next spring.
Why does this bother me so much?
Well, it's not like it's not totally unexpected, I guess. But I really wanted them to read it. I don't care so much about anyone else, but a lot of this was written with them in mind. It was written for them.
It's kinda stupid for me to be this bothered by it. I mean, did I really think they'd dive right into it and get all excited? I mean, maybe I wanted them to, but I should have been a little more realistic.
But I guess since I can't even draw in an audience that I thought was built-in - my family and my fiancee - then why should I even bother, y'know? I don't mean writing all together, but maybe just writing for publication. What's the point? It's a hard enough field to crack, so why don't I just stick to writing for myself and the occassional, y'know, TOP SECRET PROJECT.
I mean, c'mon, maybe there's just a moment when you don't need to rely on your dreams. Maybe there's a moment where you just have to say "look, it's not going to be this way and there's no point in even trying, so why don't you just do what you have to do and be like everyone else and give it up."
And maybe I should.
I mean, shit, I haven't had a coherent creative idea since I finished this fanfiction project. Even the fanfiction co-ops I've been doing (as in group writing on one story) have been pretty sucky. Maybe I just need to stop. Maybe I just need to let go for a while and then when I do decide to write again, I'll just write for myself like the old days. Like in middle school and high school.
No one read anything back then, either, but at least I didn't feel as bad about it. At least I didn't have to guilt people into reading my stories.
Oh well. Who knows? Maybe I'll have a kid who will be rooting through the attic, find my fanfiction, and make his Dad happy. Might as well just pack it away until then, I guess.
~W~
I'm not issuing forth details simply to preserve my dignity (because not everyone knows about what I write about), but I will give you not in the know the gist. In the fall of 2002, I started work on a piece of fanfiction. If you don't know what fanfiction is, it's a story based on a movie, TV show, comic book, cartoon, what-have-you. These works can never really be published properly and usually just see the light of day on the Internet.
But anyways, over five years ago, I started a piece of fanfiction. It was intended to only really be a short story. However, as the story was posted on-line, there was a fair amount of positive feedback. In addition to this, I really loved writing these characters and had a ton of fun writing that story. So, I decided to continue to do so. I wasn't in school at the time and figured that this would be my chance to improve my writing skills.
Flash forward five and a half years. I finished the story back in August. All in all, it's nearly 1,500 pages. Combined with some of Tricia's art, I'm currently in the process of binding it. The first volume is bound all ready and looks awesome.
No one will read it.
Let my clarify that by saying that I don't care about it not getting published. It was never intended to be published. That's not quite what I meant by that. I mean that the four people I absolutely want to write it - Janine, Travis, Eric, and Tricia - probably won't make it past the opening story. Tricia and Travis haven't. It'll probably be layered in dust by the time Janine even looks at it next and Eric . . . well, it's probably on the floor of his car and will be until next spring.
Why does this bother me so much?
Well, it's not like it's not totally unexpected, I guess. But I really wanted them to read it. I don't care so much about anyone else, but a lot of this was written with them in mind. It was written for them.
It's kinda stupid for me to be this bothered by it. I mean, did I really think they'd dive right into it and get all excited? I mean, maybe I wanted them to, but I should have been a little more realistic.
But I guess since I can't even draw in an audience that I thought was built-in - my family and my fiancee - then why should I even bother, y'know? I don't mean writing all together, but maybe just writing for publication. What's the point? It's a hard enough field to crack, so why don't I just stick to writing for myself and the occassional, y'know, TOP SECRET PROJECT.
I mean, c'mon, maybe there's just a moment when you don't need to rely on your dreams. Maybe there's a moment where you just have to say "look, it's not going to be this way and there's no point in even trying, so why don't you just do what you have to do and be like everyone else and give it up."
And maybe I should.
I mean, shit, I haven't had a coherent creative idea since I finished this fanfiction project. Even the fanfiction co-ops I've been doing (as in group writing on one story) have been pretty sucky. Maybe I just need to stop. Maybe I just need to let go for a while and then when I do decide to write again, I'll just write for myself like the old days. Like in middle school and high school.
No one read anything back then, either, but at least I didn't feel as bad about it. At least I didn't have to guilt people into reading my stories.
Oh well. Who knows? Maybe I'll have a kid who will be rooting through the attic, find my fanfiction, and make his Dad happy. Might as well just pack it away until then, I guess.
~W~
Current Mood: 
gloomy
gloomy