Day N Knight   
11:13pm 16/09/2009
  I can’t help to feel as if I am slipping into two separate directions. I feel as if I am striving to better myself. I am sacrificing my time. I am sacrificing my fun. I am going to school to better myself. I am going to school to educate myself. I am going to school to get a better job. I am going to school.
School is fucking with me. I can’t concentrate on work. Most importantly I can’t concentrate on my love life. What the Fuck should I do?
Tonight I think I have finally fucked up for real.
My love life is fucked. I have found a way to have my love truly despise me.
I am in over my head at school. I took on to much this semester.
Work! FUCK WORK! I can’t stand those fucking programmed fuck I work with. I have realized that the owners don’t give a fuck about me or anyone else. Money makes the world go around. I f you aren’t MAKING MONEY YOU ARE FUCKED!
I want to end this shit. I have no purpose here. I have done everything I have set out to do. I am not connected to anyone. My woman is out of love with me. My family has eroded to nothing. I hate my job. I love school, but I have fucked myself. I don’t know what else to do but call it quits. Move somewhere else.
“FUCK THIS SHIT!
IAM SICK OF IT!
YOU ARE GOING DOWN!
THIS IS A WAR!” - SILPKNOT
 
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Insomnia Part II: The Job   
01:05am 26/03/2007
 
mood: lethargic
For some reason I am having one of those nights. My mind is racing with thoughts of my realtionship, my job, my family, and even my weightlifiting workout tomorrow. It couldn't have come on a better night. I haven't had a decent nights sleep in three nights, all my decesion. The bags under my eyes are weighing my face down and yet I cannot sleep. It seems like one thought after another keeps popping in my head and keeping me awake.

Other than my love life, my job is the main colporate for my lack of sleep. I can't help thinking how bad I fucked up today. I think I screwed up something with the monies and it is driving me nuts. The other thing is I can't help but to think what a jerk my boss can be sometimes. It seems as though when ever I need to take sometime off it is always a big hassel for him. I hardly ever ask for time off only when it is important. It drives me insane. I bend over backwards for him and this company and they can't give me two days off for what might be one of the best expeirences of my life. It is unbeliveable. I can honestly say that I will be deeply hurt if I don't get these two days off. It is not like I am giving them short notice. I am letting them know a month in advance. This might even be the straw that breaks the camels back and motivate me to find another job. I know I am getting ahead of myself but I thought after all I do for this company I woul be allowed to take two days off no problem and not have to wait and see if something can get worked out.
 
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Insomnia Part I: The Girl   
12:27am 26/03/2007
 
mood: lethargic
Right now I have this thing called Insomnia. I never thought it would affect me, being that I enjoy my sleep. I will embrace this restless night and just let some shit out right now.
For some reason my girlfriend is the main cause for my lack of sleep. I have these mixed emotions right now. Before I was wondering if I was getting in over my head, but now I know I am on the verge of drowning. Everyone was telling me that we are moving too fast too soon. I didn't belive them. I mean I am in love with this girl that I have only been dating for a month. Now the stupid feelings are coming. I am paranoid to my wits end and unable to sleep because I haven't had contact with her since this afternoon. Is she mad at me? Is she with someone else? What is going on? I don't know what my deal is, given that I told her that as soon as I got home I was going straight to sleep. Ha Ha Ha. Now I start thinking I am a crappy boyfriend. She gives me gifts almost weekly, I haven't given her anything. She set up something that no one has ever done for me and now I feel like I owe her something. I feel like an asshole.

Water is flooding my airways, I can't breath.

I honestly don't know what to do and it is costing me my precious sleep. I don't mind the pace we are moving. Honestly I would like to spend more time with her. I would like to fall asleep and wake up the next morning with her. Right now I want to spend every waking moment with her and it is killing me right now that I am not with her. I mean I love this girl.
 
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I'm sure I could've been anybody else   
11:13pm 28/01/2007
 
mood: confused
After last night I have been singing this song all day.


Something Corporate "Drunk Girl"

I kissed a drunk girl
I kissed a drunk girl, yes I did
Kissed a drunk girl on the lips
I let my guard down
how could I have been so dumb
Her eyes were open
I know I am not the one
I know I am not the one
I know I am not the one

I kissed a drunk girl
Why do I do these things I do to myself
I kissed a drunk girl
I'm sure I could've been anybody else

I went to her house
and everybody there was gone
her little cousin just passed out on the lawn
We walked to my car
She mouthed "Is everything ok?"
She leaned in slowly
So now I can say

I kissed a drunk girl
Why do I do these things I do to myself
I kissed a drunk girl
I'm sure I could've been anybody else
anybody else

I pulled away
I didn't think it would be
right I said let's save this
for some other night
And she said "No, no, no I know
That everything is gonna be just fine"
How could I do this when I want her to be all mine.

I kissed a drunk girl
Why do I do these things I do to myself
I kissed a drunk girl
I'm sure I could've been anybody else
anybody else

I know you don't care about me
I'm sure when all is said and done
and I go home feeling lonely
You will have had your fun
do you even remember?

I kissed a drunk girl
Why do I do these things I do to myself
I kissed a drunk girl
and now I'm sure
and now I'm sure
I could've been anybody else
anybody else
anybody else
I could have been
anybody
 
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Merry Fucking Christmas! I love saying that.   
11:04pm 25/12/2006
  I wanted to get in here before Christmas was over, it kind of a tradtion for me. I spent some time reading my old journals and I am not so different than I was three years ago. I am older and some what more mature. I still drink too much and I am still having bad luck with the ladys. I can't really tell if I met my new years resolution from last year, so I will just say I did.
For now I am going to tend to my rum and coke, so I will leave you guys with this:
Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!
 
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L.G. Fuad   
11:26pm 05/12/2006
  Lets Get Fucked Up and Die!

Please excuse my ranting tonight, for I am very, very, very drunk.
 
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My attitude   
11:24pm 05/12/2006
  "All we have at the end of the game
Is a lonely road out.
All I know at the end of the day
Is the love to smile now, even if that’s fake.
All I know is I’m done acting
And I'll be happy for your life, even if I hate it all"

The Early November
 
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Alcohol   
10:57pm 05/12/2006
  No Doubt About it, I can't Live Without it, I Can't Live Without Alcohol!  
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My F' in Rant   
11:03pm 23/09/2006
 
mood: drunk
music: LOng Hard Road Out of Hell- MM/Sneaker Pimps
More than any other song I can relate to is Straylight Runs "its for the best"
I mean Fuck I can't belive all the shit I have been through.
"...And I have become content with this life that I lead, where I drink to much and don't belive in much of anything."
Yeah, that is my life in a nutshell.

I can't help to hate my life right now.
I can't help to hate running into old friends.

I see them living their life to the fullest, they have good jobs, families, kids, their own house.
I don't like being around my friends and I can't get a girlfriend.

At least I have my booze!
 
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12:37am 27/12/2005
  I love this song.

The Perfect Drug - By Nine Inch Nails

It means a lot of things to me.

I use to relate it to Natalie. She was the perfect drug for me. No matter how many times she hurt me I kept coming back. She gave me a high that no other girl could never give me and without her "everything falls apart, without her its not as much fun to pick up the pieces"
 
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11:59pm 26/12/2005
  Tonight is almost a going away party for myself. I am listening to alternative rock from my yester-years and I am drinking heavily. Where am I going? No where. I am simply changing my lifestyle. I am not going to eat that shitty food as I normally do and I am not going to drink myself under the table anymore. The hardest thing is going to be giving up the booze, my favorite drug.
I am feeling like myself again. The kid that I left abandoned almost two years ago found his way back. I sometimes think I am too mature for my age. It is no wonder why everyone thinks I am seven years older than I really am.
There are moment when I have second thoughts about what I am about to do, but this is what I have to do to be great. I am split. I love alcohol to much to give it up. I have a good buzz right now. If I giv it up it will make me a better person.
I am dying for a cigarette, yet I can't stand to smoke.

This will be a good year.
I need another drink.
I need a lover.
I need me.

Tomorrow will be the last day for me to do whatever. I am polishing off most of the alcohol there is. For my last meal it will be In-N-Out. Two double-doubles w/grilled onions, a large strawberry shake and a order of french fries. I can't fucking wait.

I hope no one thinks thay I have lost my mind.
Change is near.
 
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09:23am 25/12/2005
  It has been a long time since I have been in here. There has been a lot of history in the past couple of months. I got a huge promotion about four months ago. I became assitant general manager of my company and making some big bucks. That, in part, is why I haven't been in here since March.
For the better part of this year I have been stuck in a depression, but I would say this was one of the most awesome years of my life. I expeirenced so much shit this year, more than I would have dreamed one year ago. Though most of my friends are seprated from me in this place and time, it is good for me. James moved down to L.A. Matt joined the army and is leaving for boot camp next month. Natalie has fallen of the face of the earth probably to never be heard from again. Last time I checked she was living in San Diego.
Now I can focus on my life. I have big things planned for myself. This next year is going to one up this last year and I can't wait. I am going to get back into lifting weigths again. It is one thing I am good at, other than drinking. I think I have some potential. I want to go back to school. I am going to do something with my life.
I don't know when I will be in here again, but peace out and good luck fuckers.

THE ROCKster

I am going to make a movie, about my life.
 
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I hate the smell of wet jeans.   
11:58am 02/03/2005
 
mood: contemplative
I am sorry fro neglecting you blurty. It has been a whole week since I updated this thing. I haven't really found the time to sit down and do the damn thing.
When I last left off I was cotemplating on going to the island of Tahiti. I still have that plan in mind. The last couple of days have sucked. I still hate my job. I went to go pick up my pay check yesterday and ended getting my ass chewed about how many time I fucked up. The thing was, none of it was my fault. I don't get it. I feel a cold coming on.
Lately I have been feeling uneasy. I think it is because I should be calling up my friends and hanging out with them. I don't know why I don't. I guess its because I want to be on my own sometimes and do my own thing. When I feel like hanging out I will call them.
Thats it.
 
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The time will come.   
10:04pm 22/02/2005
 
mood: determined
music: Wake the Dead - Comeback Kid
Now to end today. I needed today. I think I am on to something good. I went to visit my buddy Will today and he came up with one of the craziest ideas. Moving to Tahiti. I am kind of digging the idea of leaving this place. I have wanted to go to Europe for the longest time, but now I am thinking about going to the south pacific.
I just want to leave this place. I want out. It seems asthough I have so many people depending on me and it is starting to get heavy. I think the reason why I drink and smoke is because a good buzz lightens that load for a bit. People shouldn't depend on other people. I try not too. I hate this place at times.
I am going to keep putting money aside and hopefully I will leave one day. Some people save fors cars and othe materialistic things. I am going to save my money for a liftime expierence.

I am just going to live my life. That is it.

P.S.: The Comeback Kid album kicks ass.
 
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"The sky turns from blue to grey, and the sun fades."   
12:21pm 22/02/2005
 
mood: hyper
music: C'mon, C'mon - The Von Bondies
I better get the hell out of this house before the rain starts coming down again. I am enjoying being in my shorts and a t-shirt. I have a ton of thing to take care of with only one day off. I have to work tomorrow, dammit! I want to go to the mall and maybe I will see Kristen. Last time I saw her my heart skipped a beat. She is my little homie and I miss her at work. The clouds have came over the mountains and are rolling my way. I need to get out of here before I get wet.
rOck
 
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Fucked up   
10:14pm 21/02/2005
  So now I have change my outlook on life. I think I should have changed awhile ago. I am tired being walked on and critized. I could give a fucks care about anyone and what they belive is right for me. For now I am going to look out for myself and get mine. I am tired of helping people out just so they can spit in my face later. I am just ggoing to live my own damn life and not worry about anyone elses. I don't know if this is just going to be another phase I go through, but I am starting to get sick of the bullshit. I have good people in my life and I care about them a lot. Some people just need to leave.
I need a smoke.
 
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My Mouth Tastes of Ash and Vodka   
09:36pm 21/02/2005
 
mood: distressed
There hasn't been much to say lately. This last week has been kind of cool. It had alittle of everything. Its sarted off with my homie James telling me he is quitting the job. Now I am all by myself. My two good friends have left me. I went through a brief moment of depression and rage, because I can't move on. I eventually got over it and now I am in "fuck it" mode.
The other night I actually got out. It was a night of some heavy drinking and goodtimes. I had some girl molest me the entire night. I wasn't even into her. I was into her friend. Her friend probably thought I was into her. It was still a good time. Plus I started smoking again.
I think I pissed James off. Last night I was suppose to call him if I wanted to chill, but I ended up falling asleep. I never said it was definate the I was going to chill with him and the girls, but I think he took it that way. I was actually waiting to hear from Matt and I was going kick it with him. He never called. Fuck it.
 
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09:00pm 13/02/2005
 
mood: drunk
music: 40oz. to freedom - Sublime
Right now I am three sheets to the wind and trying to forget about my life right now.

Damn, I love having a buzz.
 
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Insert foot in mouth.   
10:25pm 11/02/2005
 
mood: infuriated
music: Secondary - Brand New
These past couple of days have been pretty crazy. A whole hell-of-a-lot of shit has happened these past couple of days. I actually have something to say other than how boring life has been as of late. First off I am back to my drinking ways. Dealing with bull shit will drive you to drink.
Alright...
Yesterday, Matt quit. He just walked out the door and pretty much said "Fuck you guys, I am going home." He has the sweet job lined up, or so he says where he will be making more. I am going to miss the fucker. Its not like I am never going to see him again, he lives down the street from me.
Another thing yesterday, Kim got all cocky and shit. She was telling everybody how I wanted to go out with her and have sex with her. I said flat out "No!" She got all butt hurt and kept bugging me to see if I was joking. I wasn't.
The real story is one day I went to hang out with Natalie and she happened to be there. She told me she just called it quits with her husband. I made and jokingly I made a pass at her and she took it seriously I guess. A month later Mario tells me I should ask her out and I said "No she is not my type." Later when she started back at work, her and her husband were back together. She then asks me if I was serious when I made the pass on her. Seeing asthough she got back with her husband and trying to make her feel good I said, "Yes."
She has never been my type and never will be. I don't like her personality, she has no body, and she isn't rich. "Strike three, you out of here!" Don't start taking shit, unless it really happened.
This situation reminds me of the Brand New song "Secondary."
I'm tired.
 
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bored   
08:20am 09/02/2005
  Just looking at some journals and I happened to run across this:

10 golden rules
1. You should not worry, for worry is the most unproductive of all human activities.

2. You should not be fearful, for most of the things we fear never come to pass.

3. You should not cross bridges before one comes to them, for no one yet has succeeded in accomplishing this.

4. You should face each problem as it comes. One can only handle one at a time anyway.

5. You should not take problems to bed with you, for they make very poor bedfellows.

6. You should not borrow other people's problems. They can better care for them than you can.

7. You should not try to relive yesterday for good or ill, it is forever gone. Concentrate on what is happening in your life and be happy now!

8. You should be a good listener, for only when you listen do you hear ideas different from your own. It is hard to learn something new when you are talking, and some people do know more than you do.

9. You should not become "bogged down" by frustration, for 90% of it is rooted in self-pity and will only interfere with positive action.

10. You should count thy blessings, never overlooking the small ones, for a lot of small blessings add up to a big one.
 
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