Kate's Journal

Wednesday, July 14, 2004

10:40AM

Hey ladies! I've decided to switch my ana journal over to LiveJournal because that is where my "normal" journal is, there are a lot more members, and the communities seem a lot more active. I will probably continue to read all of your journals cause it's great motivation and I want to see all of you achieve your goals. Please stay in touch with me!

AIM: katehudson930
MSN messenger/email: susankatherine24@yahoo.com

Current mood: chipper
Current music: "Say Goodnight" by Jump Little Children
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Tuesday, July 13, 2004

10:06AM

I ate so much at that Thai restaraunt I went to for lunch yesterday. Ughh! But I kept telling myself it was okay because I was going running later. Then when I got home from work I ate (for no reason):

a handful or two of chex mix
a couple handfuls of blueberries
a plum
2 hershey kisses
a jolly rancher sucker

What the hell is my problem?!?

I had a good run, though. I ran 6 miles and didn't eat any dinner or dessert. So the day wasn't too bad.

I'm not going to get a chance to run today which means that I'm not eating. It's should be really easy cause I'm hanging out with friends after work and can just tell my parents I ate with them. Yay, it's going to be a good day!

I'm still doing those 200 crunches a day.

I hope everyone else is doing well and losing weight!

Current mood: sleepy
Current music: Sum 41
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Monday, July 12, 2004

1:00PM - So here's whats been happening since my last update...

I was 100% sure I couldn't get out of dinner on Saturday night, but trixie little me did after all...and dessert. I was planning on doing the same thing yesterday (Sunday), but things didn't quite go as planned:

I skipped breakfast and lunch and then went to a cookout for a friend that is moving away from 2-6 pm. I told all my buds that I had already eaten lunch with my family so I just hung out with them while they all ate. After I'd been there 2 hours with all this gorgeous food around me and not eating one bite and drinking lots of water I sat down in this chair with a big bowl of chex mix next to it. It was downhill from there. Without even realizing I was doing it I just started taking handfuls of the chex mix and eating it. It was so horrible! I ate like half the bowl. Then I went to church, the movies with my boyfriend, etc, etc and got home around 10. My parents asked me if I wanted to have a piece of pie with them, and I totally could have gotten out of it easily, but retarded me decided I should have a piece (cause I was the one that made it and hadn't had any of it yet). So then I kept telling myself "okay, no more eating" and starting watching one of the Sex and the City DVDs (best show EVER). But the whole time I was watching SATC all I could think about was all the food we had in the kitchen and I kept walking into the kitchen and walking back to my room and I wanted to binge SOOO bad. So I decided I would have a peach (i mean, fruit isn't too bad). I ate that but I wanted more and was going crazy so I let myself have an apple (better than the ice cream we had sitting in the freezer calling out to me). But I REALLY wanted to put peanut butter on the apple (I loves me some peanut butter)...yeah, and I ended up eating around 500 cals of peanut butter. NOT a good day. It could have been about a billion times worse though, with all the food I was exposed to yesterday.

So my fast lasted about 49 hours. I'm back down to 103, though, which is encouraging, but that was before my little binge last night.

Today isn't going to be much better cause I'm supposed to go running with some of my old cross country team mates this afternoon (probably around a 5 or 6 mile run) so I gotta eat lunch. I'm going to this thai restaraunt with my friend for lunch. BUT NO DINNER! And tomorrow I gotta eat lunch again cause I'm running again (5-6 miles). BUT AGAIN, NO DINNER! So that's the plan for the next couple of days...I should be burning off all the lunch cals with the evening runs. I would much rather just fast a lot, but I promised my parents I would run XC in college, so now I gotta deal with eating "healthy" so I'll have the energy to get in my runs.

Oh, also, I've been doing 200 crunches a day.

I finished Wasted yesterday. It is seriously one of the best books I have ever read and everyone should read it! Now! I could absolutely relate to everything Marya said, just not on such an extreme level.

Think thin ladies, wish me luck, and please talk to me whenever...I'm usually online all day cause I'm at work sitting at a computer and I get really bored.

Current mood: tired
Current music: Ben Kweller
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Saturday, July 10, 2004

3:23PM

I haven't updated in a couple of days because I've been eating "normally" (you know, three meals a day) and have been all depressed and too embarrassed to write in my journal. I feel so gross!

I'm better now, though. I've gotten a grip on things and feel more in control. I started a fast at 3:00 pm yesterday. It's sucks though, living at home and all, because I can't fast like I want to. Less than 5 weeks until I go off to school. Yippee! Yeah, so I have to eat dinner tonight, which means my fast is only going to last about 27 hours. It's pathetic, and shouldn't really even be called a fast. I'm going to eat as little as possible without being suspicious...and drink a ton of water. And I know I'm going to get a lot of pressure from my mom to eat dessert because we have a ton of it at home right now: blackberry and blueberry pie and banana pudding (all home-made). I'm pretty sure I can get out of eating it. Wish me luck, ladies! After dinner tonight I'll start another "fast", but it probably won't be able to last longer than a day or two cause my parents moniter my eating pretty heavily. Yeah, so I guess the plan is to only eat when I'm absolutely forced to, but I'm going to try to make plans around meal times or say I've already eaten whenever possible.
*Remeber, nothing tastes as good as thin feels!* I have to constantly remind myself of this.

Lately I've realized that I absolutely love to cook, but I don't like to eat what I cook. Hmmm, strange. Also, I'll spend a ton of time looking through recipes in cookbooks and online, and my new favorite channel is the Food Network. I love watching the cooking shows. Is anyone else like this?

I'm over halfway through Wasted. It's so good! I definitely recommend it to everyone who hasn't already read it. I've been trying really hard to hide it so I don't raise any suspicions, but the other day a friend of mine saw it in my bag, and then yesterday my mom found it. I just told them both that it was recommended to me by a friend. I'm pretty sure they didn't think anything of me reading a book about EDs.

Oh, I don't think I've posted this:
my AIM screen name is katehudson930
and my MSN screen name is susankatherine24@yahoo.com, which is also my email address.
So if anyone ever wants to talk or send me an email I'd more than welcome it...talking with others about this stuff definitely keeps me motivated!

Current mood: determined
Current music: Kevin Lyttle
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Wednesday, July 7, 2004

9:47AM

I got out of dinner last night by [accidentally] falling asleep. Haha, how lucky was that? My stepdad woke me up around 7 to go to my aunt's for some family get-together. There was cake and since my parents knew I hadn't eaten dinner I had to have a piece. I got the smallest piece there was, though. It was some pineapple cake with very little frosting. Then I had a couple handfuls of salted peanuts. God, anything peanut or peanut butter is my weakness. I shouldn't have had the peanuts, I was really pissed at myself. The day wasn't too bad though, considering I only had a piece of gum, a small piece of cake, and a couple handfuls of peanuts. Also, I ran 4.5 miles yesterday morning, which kinda cancels out the food I ate in the evening.

I got up early again this morning and ran another 4.5 miles. I wanted to do 5 but I ran out of time and was still late to work. Oh well, my boss is out of the office today. I have to eat lunch (yuck) cause my dad is being sworn in or whatever as Rotary Club president and there having this big catered banquet. I plan on going to an hour of step aerobics at the YWCO after work, though. I'm supposed to have dinner with my boyfriend and then hang out and drink for a while, but I think I might tell him I already ate and just drink. So, I have to eat more than I'd like to today, but at least I'm getting a lot of exercise in.

I hope all of you are doing well and losing weight. I kinda slipped last weekend and gained about 5 lbs, but I'm better now and slowly losing again. Think thin, ladies!

Current mood: tired
Current music: Radio
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Tuesday, July 6, 2004

2:15PM - Fuck the 4th of July

It's just been a steady decline since my last entry.
The good thing about your parents being divorced: 2 birthdays, Christmases...
Tha bad thing about your parents being divorced: 2 Thanksgiving dinners, 2 4th of July cook-outs...

On Friday I went without eating until about 7, but then I had dinner with a friend at a Japanese place. I had chicken and fried rice. I had to eat because I was going to a party that night and was going to be drinking. I only had vodka and hunch punch, though, no beer.

On Saturday I managed to go to one cook-out without eating anything except for half a cup of lemonade. That evening, my dad was grilling chicken so I had a piece of chicken along with a nectarine, half a cup of apple sauce, and 4 hershey's kisses. Then my stepmom made a blueberry pie, so I had a piece of that with some vanilla ice cream. Not a great day.

On Sunday I had a few handfuls of goldfish and animal crackers for breakfast (so random). For lunch I had an apple and peanut butter and jelly (I'm talking a third of the jar). I like to take a spoon and dip it into the peanut butter then dip it into the jelly and eat it like that, no bread. I know, it sounds gross. I decided I definitely couldn't eat anything else that day. Then my mom announces that later we were going to grill ribs. So for dinner I had 3 ribs, half a corn on the cob, and an orange. For dessert I had a slice of berry pie with vanilla ice cream. Pretty horrible, right? Oh, it gets worse: Around midnight I completely binged (some more) and ate 1-2 cups of ice cream.

Yeah, so I woke up Monday all "I'm not gonna eat today." I ran 5 miles in the morning and then I went shopping for dorm room stuff with my mom. She decides to take me out to lunch at Olive Garden where I had whole wheat noodles (less carbs) and alfredo sauce...and a bread stick (so bad, I know). In the evening I had a bowl of multi-bran chex cereal. Then I went for another run (3 miles this time). Then I snacked on multi-bran chex for a while. And, again, I binged at night: more ice cream. Fuck fuck fuck!

I think one of the reasons this past weekend completely sucked was that I was away from my computer and couldn't see other people's journals or comments (always SUCH motivation) or look at thinspiration pics.

Today I got up early so I could run before work. I ran about 4.5 miles. I haven't eaten anything today, just been drinking a lot of water. I can't get out of dinner though, but I'm definitely going to eat as little as possible. Then I'm supposed to go to my aunt's house for cake and ice cream, but I'm not going to eat any.

Ok, so I have a new plan:
After thinking about it for months, I have decided that I am going to run cross country at Cornell. This means that I'm going to have to heavily increase my weekly milleage to at least 30-40 miles a week. With all this running, there is no way I can fast and still get in quality runs, which sucks because I would rather fast that restrict...it's easier for me for some reason. So, because I can't fast, I've decided that I'll eat one meal a day: dinner. And no dessert. And my dinners will be healthy, no junk food. My goal is to be under 100 lbs by the time I go to Cornell, which gives me 5 weeks to lose about 10 lbs. Shouldn't be a problem, it's just hard to restict a lot and be able to maintain my milleage and intensity. I'm SO pissed at myself because before this weekend I was down to about 102/103, but I know I've gained major weight over the past 3 days. Uhh, I can feel it everywhere. I feel gross! I haven't weighed myself since last week...I've been too scared to.

Current mood: infuriated
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Friday, July 2, 2004

9:48AM

I fucking suck! Yeah, I totally binged last night...after I promised myself I wouldn't. I went over to my friends house to watch a DVD and she broke out the Cheese-It Twisterz and she knows that's my favorite snack food ever. Well, I know that one serving is 17 crackers and is 140 cals, so I decided I'd have exactly one serving, that way I would have had 145 cals the whole day (cheese-its + gum). So as I ate them I kept track of how many I was having and stopped after 17. Then I was like, "Okay, one more." And the next thing I knew my hand just kept popping those damn things in my mouth. I seriously had 500 cals worth. Grrr...and I've been doing really well. If anyone has ever tried those things they know how addictive they are. My friend and I decided that the cheesy powder on them is crack, so now we call them Crack Crackers. God, I can't believe I did that.

I'm supposed to go to this party tonight, which means that I have to eat something for dinner if I want to drink, which I totally do since its been a couple weeks since I've been drunk. So here's the plan: I'm eating nothing today except a small dinner and then a couple shots tonight, no beer. If, for some reason, I don't end up drinking tonight, I'm not eating anything today. Tomorrow I'll only eat if absolutely neccessary...I know I can get out of breakfast and lunch, but dinner is going to be tricky. On Sunday my parents are cooking out, which means I have to eat with them, but I'll try to get away with not eating much and that will be the only thing I eat all day. Then Monday I can start fasting again. The weekends are so hard cause I'm at home more and my parents know if I've eaten or not. The 4th of July weekend is especially difficult. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Current mood: frustrated
Current music: Pretty Girls Make Graves
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Thursday, July 1, 2004

11:29AM

So last night Chase and I ended up going to this local pizza place that seriously has the best pizza I've ever tasted. Or maybe it just seemed so delicious because I hadn't eaten in so long. Whatever, I planned on only eating about half but I ended up eating the whole slice except for the crust. Their slices are equivalent to 2 pieces at Dominos or Papa Johns, but a lot less greasy. Also, I got the thin crust, so hopefully not too many carbs. When I got home, though, I had the most aweful cravings for junk food. I didn't give in...instead I got online and read everyone's journals (thanks for the thinspiration, guys). So yesterday I had an orange, a huge piece of pizza, and tons of water. Also, I went with my mom to an hour of step aerobics. At least I didn't binge! I'm not eating anything today (except for a piece of gum). Stay strong, ladies!

Current mood: bored
Current music: Hot Hot Heat
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Wednesday, June 30, 2004

2:44PM

Uhhh, I feel icky. I just ate a huge orange cause I'm going to my mom's aerobics class with her and I didn't want to pass out. It's the first thing I've eaten in about 48 hours (besides gum). I'd gotten so used to the feeling of an empty stomach, and I really enjoyed it, but I know I had to eat sometime.

I just talked to my boyfriend and we are going out to eat tonight, but no drinking. The only reason I was going to eat dinner was because I can't drink on an empty stomach, so now I really don't want to eat dinner. There's no way I can get out of it, though. I think we're going to this local mexican place, in which case I can just get a cheese quesadilla and pick at it and eat about half and he won't notice.

Grrr, I've been doing so well this last week and now today has pretty much gone to hell and tomorrow won't be much better cause I'm supposed to go out to eat with a friend. Seriously, though, Friday I'm fasting...and Saturday...and Sunday...and Monday...

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10:32AM

Yesterday went beautifully! I successfully got out of dinner and dessert without raising any suspicion. The only things I had yesterday were 36 oz. of water and a piece of gum, bringing the grand total of cals to 5. I wasn't able to exercise at all, except for the walk to and from my car to work, totalling a little over a mile. I was going to walk (3-6 miles) when I got home, but when I realized I could get out of dinner/dessert easily, I took a nap instead since I was REALLY tired and weak. I couldn't believe how weak I was, and I realized I need to eat something soon, but I put it off until today. This morning I felt horrible when I woke up: nauseous and weak. I had to park (illegally, haha, but its ok) closer to work because I wan't sure if I could make the long walk to my office from where I usually park. Even walking up the three flights of stairs to my office was hard; I started to feel a little dizzy. Don't worry, though, I brought an orange to eat for lunch today. Also, my boyfriend and I are going out to eat tonight, so I'll be fine. I'm kind of dreading going out, though, since you can't get anything small or healthy at a lot of restraunts (well, besides a salad, but I don't like salads...I'm really picky when it comes to veggies, the only one I eat is corn, and occasionally carrots). Its probably best that I eat a decently sized dinner cause I think we might drink a little afterward, and if I try to drink after having less that 100 cals/day for the last few days I would get really sick to my stomach.

Yay! I'm so excited! My boyfriend (Chase) has been out of town for almost a week and I get to see him today...and I've lost about 5 lbs since the last time he saw me. I'm down to about 102/103...hooray, hooray.

I've started reading Wasted: A Memoir Of Anorexia and Bulimia by Marya Hornbacher. It's really good so far, though I'm only on page 38. Its just getting into her bulimia, which I really can't relate to, but its still interesting. I'm looking forward to the section on her anorexia, since it applies more to me. Anyways, I recomend it. It's tough trying to read it since I don't feel comfortable reading it when my parents are home because I'm afraid they see it and get suspicious. If they do find it I can always tell them I'm worried about a friend and reading it so I can understand the disease better.

Good luck, girls...be strong!

Current mood: drained
Current music: Brian Regan stand-up on CD (sooo funny!!!)
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Tuesday, June 29, 2004

8:53AM

Yesterday was a good day. I drank 72 oz of water and ate 5 Triscuit Thin Crips (45 cals) and one piece of gum (5 cals). So only 50 cals total. Also, I went to an aerobics class with my mom (it cracked me up cause I was the only person in there under 40, haha) for 45 min. The calculator on www.caloriesperhour.com said I burned 232 cals, but I'm sure it was less than that since you burn more cals if you have eaten something a few hours before you exercise. Still, I burned off everything I ate plus some, so it was a negative day. Negative days are the best!

I'm not sure how today is going to go because I'm supposed to have dinner with my stepdad. He's not getting home until 7:30 or 8:00 though, so I'm going to try to tell him that I got hungry and went ahead and ate. Hopefully he won't try to make me eat anything. Wish me luck...

My weight is still hovering around 105, which I can't understand since I've eaten barely anything for 5 days. I can't wait until I'm on the double digits...hopefully within a week.

Current mood: optimistic
Current music: "Vertigo" by Jump Little Children
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Monday, June 28, 2004

12:43PM - Just a little tip...

TIP: For AWESOME thinspiration pics, go to style.com, click on "fashion shows", then click on "power search", then under "choose a trend" click on swimsuits. You can see pics from any fashion show by simply clicking on "fashion shows", but I just like to see the swinsuit pics since the skinny models aren't hidden under baggy clothes.

Current mood: calm
Current music: "I Love Rock n Roll" by Joan Jett
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10:00AM

Yesterday went pretty much as planned. I got out of dinner, but I had to eat dessert with my family (more fatting banana pudding). I had three bites and threw the rest away when no one was looking. I also had a piece of gum. So, total: about 105 cals.

I'm really starting to see a difference. I haven't been able to exercise as much as I want to. I walk 3/4 of a mile to and from work everyday from where I park, but by the end of that tiny walk I feel really weak. Lately fasting has been so easy for me (I know, weird). It's like, I know I have to eat sometime, but I just don't want to. It's hard to explain, but I'm a little worried that I'm starting to lose my ability to make myself eat, but I know I have to occasionally or I'll end up in the hospital. I'll be okay, though, cause I'm in control...not the food and not the disorder.

When I've been fasting and I stand up I get kinda lightheaded or dizzy. It reminds me of being drunk and is the best feeling. I love it! I see it as just another reward of fasting. Haha, does anyone know what I'm talking about?

Question: When I'm fasting a couple of days my muscles start to ache, like I've been working out extra hard when I haven't at all...does this happen to anyone else or does anyone know why this happens?

Current mood: cheerful
Current music: "12:51" by The Strokes
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Sunday, June 27, 2004

1:58PM - It's been a good day...

I'm in a really good mood: I weighed myself today and I was 105, and I can already tell that my jeans are a little baggier. Yay yay yay!

I did really well on Friday: I had about 3/4 cup of orange juice (around 80 cals) and a piece of gum (5 cals) and that was it. Total: 85 cals...and I walked 3 miles.

Saturday was pretty good. I was babysitting from 7 am to 7 pm, which is always really hard since it's just me, the kid, and a house full of food. In the past I would always binge, but yesterday I didn't (a big accomplishment for me). The feeling of control when I'm able to pass up food is such a rush. The lady I was babysitting for had just had a birthday, so there was half of the most gorgeous german chocolate cake you've ever seen. I wanted it sooo bad, so I decided I wouldn't completely deny myself (cause I felt like I might end up binging later if I did). I decided that I was allowed three small bites: one in the morning, one in the afternoon, and one in the evening. I also drank A TON OF WATER. [Tip: if you are ever hungry drink 5-6 cups of water; it makes you feel really full, almost nausious, so you definitely won't feel like eating.] Then my mom called and told me not to eat too much cause we were going to have a big dinner when I got home. Grrr, that annoyed me cause I was totally planning on saying I had just eaten while babysitting. When I got home, I still said that I had been snacking all afternoon, but I promised I would eat a little bit. So, I drank a lot more water, 2 small ribs, and one bite of corn-on-the-cob. Not too bad, considering. Then later my mom made banana pudding (you know, the kind with vanilla wafers and bananas and whipped cream in it). She knows thats my favorite, so there was no way I could get out of eating it. I ate about half a cup with her and then took the rest to my room where I put it in a napkin and threw it away. I'd say I had about 600 cals for the day.

Today I'm trying not to eat anything, but I'm not sure if that will work out. I'm going to the movies later tonight, so hopefully I'll be able to tell my parents that I ate after the movie. I've already gotten out of breakfast and lunch.

Thanks to all the great girls who left me comments (except for the one bashing ana), I appreciate it!

Current mood: jubilant
Current music: Franz Ferdinand- "Take Me Out"
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Friday, June 25, 2004

11:09AM - Okay, first post

I have been reading others' journals from bluedragonfly.org and they are such an inspiration. If I'm ever tempted to eat I just read a journal and I get competely re-motivated. So...I decided I needed to make a journal of my own. I would love it if others left me comments with tips and motivation. Oh, and I would really enjoy planning a fast or diet with someone. You know they are 100 times easier when you're doing it with someone else.

Okay, the stats:

Current height: 5 ft.
Current weight: 113
High weight: 115
Low weight: 95
Short-term goal: 110
Medium-term goal:105
Long-term goal: 95

I did ok yesterday, but I know I can do better. I didn't eat anything until 5. I broke down and had about a cup and a half of chinese food. God, why does day-after chinese have to taste so damn good?!? Then I ate a Hershey's Kiss. So, at least I didn't completely binge, but the food that I did eat was FULL of fat. Grrr, if I had to have something I should have had an orange or something. I'm definitely going to do a lot better today. My mom MADE me drink half a glass of OJ this morning before I left for work, which was about 80 cals. Not too bad. I am definitely not going to eat anything else today. I think I'm going to a party tonight, so I'll probably be drinking vodka, but absolutely no beer. At least vodka doesn't have any carbs. I gotta be careful, though, and not drink too much since drinking on an empty stomach can be dangerous. Later...

Current mood: hopeful
Current music: "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight" by The Postal Service
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