| why are there no more self-injury communities? |
[15 Oct 2011|10:24am] |
Days pass like kidney stones
dull pain throbs in the background, keeping to the music, keeping to the beat
let's forget ourselves in the red zone
faded maps are not the path to treasure, but they show the way back
in case that's where you'd like to be
death never calls me back.
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| another rainy morning |
[12 Sep 2010|09:46am] |
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mood |
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 confused |
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music |
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loe the |
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i'm pretty sure that most mornings when I wake up and the world is driving me insane it's just because I need to have a smoke. Not this morning, though. All through my first smoke the anger was still pulsing through me. He makes so many promises and never seems to intend to follow anything through. And then I get accused of lecturing whenever I try to explain my perspective. Is it too much to ask a 26 year old man to not live like a fucking child? So on the mornings when I can trace my frustration back to a niccotine fit, this is about the time where I would start to feel guilty. Not today. I'm so tired of him getting angrily defensive whenever I bring up a subject he doesn't like. WELCOME TO REALITY. Laundry needs to b washed, garbage needs to be taken out, and apparently I'm responsible for all those things plus paying for grogeries and our bills. I didn't realize I was a maid who worked for half her rent to be paid alone. I feel dirty living in a mess. I don't mind a certain amount of clutter but when you can start to smell the mess things are not okay.
I feel so trapped in my life. I can never tell if he ever listens to me or just waits for me to stop talking. All I know is things never change, and I feel like after the other night when he went off about not living here, he just meant then he wouldn't have to listen to me complain about the mess. Or ever listen to another one of my 'lectures' about helping me out around the house. Apparently all I do is lecture. I get these absolute statements thrown at me constantly: "you always" and "every time" when I'm much more conscientious about what I say and when I say it. I make painstaking efforts to think about what I say before I say it. For crying out loud, if I treated him the way he treats me, he would leave.
Why am i so scared of being alone?
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| *sigh* |
[26 Jul 2010|06:02pm] |
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mood |
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confused |
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I wish there was some way to explain to the people I love that when I cut myself it has NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM and that if they don't want to listen to all the bullshit my mind spews at me all day then they should just let me cope the only way I've learned how. I miss the blood. I miss the rush. I miss the feeling that the whole world consists of me and the moment... anytime I cut myself by accident at work it's all I can do to not just sit and play with the blood. The only time I get to watch myself bleed these days is when those accidents occur. I feel like i'm breaking up into pieces. It's been almost three years since I've been on a cutting binge and the scars I racked up last time are starting to fade. I've been keeping myself from cutting for about three years, out of respect for my mom and my boyfriend who get really fucking upset with me when I do it. If I was single and nobody ever saw me naked my thighs would be back to their bloody glory, covered in criss-crosses and gashes... and as time goes by I miss that more and more. I wonder if I'll ever be able to let my self-injury problem fade away...
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| let's try this one more time... |
[25 Jul 2010|08:58am] |
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mood |
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 crazy |
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music |
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my computer making brrrrrtz noises trying to keep up with me |
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Well kids, I'm back. This is like.. my fifth manifestation on this sit or something but whatever. This is the new me, as douchey as that sounds.
Going to momma's house this afternoon to see the visiting Grandparents with my boyfriend and lil/big brother. See, my brother Aaron is technically younger but is way taller than me and has a tendency to tell me what to do... because of this I usually refer to him as my lil/big bro. Yep, that's how fucking clever i am...
so anyways, the afternoon should no doubt be filled with awkard conversation and tension. I hope they have booze... maybe I should ask my mom about that... I wish she had a bocce set or something.
And going over there isn't going to be the same as our oldest cat, the infamouse Foof, has passed on. it fucking sucks. that litl bugger was always ready to meet you at the door and be delightfully annoying. the vibe at mom's house sure has changed... at least she still has the little cat.
it was my boyfriend Mike's birthday yesterday and we decided to keep it low key. We ordered Indian food (mmmmmmmmmmm curry) and bought an ice cream cake and just enjoyed each other's company all day ;) he says he had a good time and I hope he means it... i'm such a people pleaser that it feels like a big deal to me. well, off for a morning smoke.. until next time...
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