Theresa's Journal

12:32AM - weird dreams

the past few nights, i've been having some weird dreams. i have no idea how to interpret them, but felt the need to put them down in some form of writing.
i dreamt that i was in a church and i was getting married. however, i was being forced to get married. my mom had bought a hand me down dress, all my bridesmaids were the same bridesmaids from my brother's wedding and they were all wearing their dresses from that wedding. plus, some of them were complaining about being there. i also remember being at the back of the church getting changed in the "cry room" which was only separated from the rest of the church by a wall of glass. the church was also the church that i used to go to when i was in grade/middle/high school. then when i looked up at the aisle toward where my groom would be standing, he was up there. and i can picture exactly who i was marrying. it was the guy i've been talking to the past couple months. we dated back in 8th grade and have recently been getting back in touch. the guy was wearing a pair of shorts and a baseball cap. at that point i thought i was way too overdressed and started getting really nervous. that's all i remember.

then my other dream, i was sitting at a table in a restaurant with a guy (maybe the same one from my wedding?) and he took a deep breath and said "theresa, i'm in love with you" what i remember very distinctly, and i mostly remember this because i can still feel it, is the feeling i got when i heard those words. it was a feeling of utter and complete happiness. i was whole at that point. even now, 2 days later, i can still feel that same feeling i had during the dream. so weird, but scary at the same time.

1:29AM - lyrics i've always liked...

The air holds my throat.
And the fog is choking.
My heart
Hurts the first time since you happened upon my life.

I'm scared.
I'm not taking good care of myself.
I can't help it but I've got to find the strength to pull in the rain.

'Cause I still don't know
How to say.
'Cause I still don't know
How to say
I'm afraid.

You say that you'll love me when your gone and when you get back.
But does that mean that you'll give me the kind of love that I think I need?

'Cause I still don't know
How to say.
'Cause I still don't know
How to say
I'm afraid.

Like no other.
Ever.
Like no other.
Ever known.
Together.
It's like no other
I've ever known,
I've ever known.

'Cause I still don't know
How to say.
And I still don't know
How to say
I'm afraid.
I'm afraid, yeah.
I'm afraid, yeah.
I'm afraid, yeah.

It's ok.

Afraid by Quincy
from the Crash soundtrack

1:21AM - a nice poem....

Tara sent this to me last week. she said that when she read it, she thought of me. i agree with her

Just because no one has been fortunate enough to
realize what a gold mine you are,
Doesn't mean you shine any less.

Just because no one has been smart enough to figure out
that you can't be topped,
Doesn't stop you from being the best.

Just because no one has come along to share your life,
Doesn't mean that day isn't coming.

Just because no one has made this race worthwhile,
Doesn't give you permission to stop running.

Just because no one has realized how much of an
awesome woman you are,
Doesn't mean they can affect your femininity.

Just because no one has shown up who can love you on
your level, Doesn't mean you have to sink to theirs.

Just because you deserve the very best there is,
Doesn't mean that life is always fair.

Just because God is still preparing your king,
Doesn't mean that you're not already a Queen.

Just because your situation doesn't seem to be progressing
right now, Doesn't mean you need to change a thing.

Keep shining, keep running, Keep hoping, and keep praying,
Keep being exactly what you are already. COMPLETE!!

12:25AM - confession

i have a confession to make. these past couple years, i was a bad person. bad in the sense that i flirted with the wrong people, i bought lots of things that i didn't need, the only times i went to church were at weddings and funerals, i tried to withdraw from my friends and family etc. and i have no idea why i did that. the only answer i can think of is that the person i was in college was not the real me. i don't even know if that's true, but it was the first thing that popped into my mind. i think it all started when i was at St A's in rensselaer doing the youth minister thing. all through college, i thought that i was supposed to be a youth minister. i thought that would be it for me. never mind that the pay was crap, never mind that i was in a small town with memories of my wonderful (and that was not sarcastic) college years all around me. i thought that would be it. maybe i sabotaged it for myself - i really don't know. what i do know is that when things started falling apart, i rebelled. i guess it makes sense that it would happen so late in my life. late in the respect that i never rebelled when i was a teenager. growing up, i was shy, quiet, "the perfect student" without the perfect grades. i was the middle child growing up with divorced parents, and two siblings who got along great....with each other. i was cute, not really a troublemaker. on the surface, i was the typical kid growing up. but even now, i can remember always worrying - usually about the typical things, but sometimes i worried about things that i could never control. in school, i was pegged in the first grade as the quiet girl. that stereotype followed me all the way up to high school graduation. it followed me because i went to the same school with the same people for 13 years. but deep down, i didn't feel like the quiet one. deep down, i felt like i was funny and that i always had a bad girl streak in me that i never showed to anyone.
so then i get to college and i think "here's my chance to see who i really am. no one knows me, i'm 4 hours away from home and if college isn't a good experience, then it's my fault" turns out college was a great experience but i learned one of the hardest lessons in college. i learned how hard it is to say goodbye to people. i became so attached to people and almost let them define me. no scratch that....i did let them define me. i spent so much time and energy building relationships and then after 4 years, i have to say goodbye to these people who had become such big parts of my life. sure we all said we'd keep in touch and some of us have, but we never said what we knew would happen. "yeah we hung out a lot during school and that was fun, but we'll probably never see each other again and if we do, it'll be at homecoming or little 5 where we'll have the superficial conversation. so good luck with your life!" now some people i have been fortunate to keep in my life and i am so grateful for those relationships, but it has been one of the hardest things to come to terms with over the years - the spreading out and now finding my new niche. ever since college, i feel like my life has become tons and tons of goodbyes. i would become close with someone at work, then they would get transferred or quit and i would never see them again. it became so emotionally taxing, that i started putting up a wall where people thought i wasn't affected, but deep down, i was crying out for someone to break it down and drag my feelings out of me. no matter how hard they tried, i never let them in and i reveled in that fact....somewhat.

after college, i became somewhat nomadic. i've moved every year since college and i'm sure my family is ready to kill me :) but with every move, i told myself...this is it. i'm going to stay in indy/rensselaer/cincinnati for the rest of my life. however, the older i got, the more i realized that i would eventually end up back where i grew up. one thing that i've noticed about myself over the years is that i don't stick with things very easily. i joined a gym...that lasted a few months. the longest i have held a job has been with BBB and that was only 3 and a half years. but whenever i would come to cincinnati for family get togethers, i always felt like i had come home. i knew the area, i had so much history there etc. history has become so important to me. the fact that i've gone to the same hairdresser for almost 7 years makes me very happy because that means that i've stuck with someone for a long period of time. i didn't give up on her when she gave me a bad haircut. i know this may sound superficial, but that way i look at it is metaphorically. even on the dating front, i am now talking to a guy i used to date in the 8th grade. in my head, it's so much less overwhelming to date someone who i knew from middle school than to try to start a relationship with someone i just met. there's very little history to explain.
maybe these are all mere ramblings and maybe none of this makes sense to anyone else reading this, but this entry is like a stream of consciousness - these are all things that have been dominating my thoughts in the past few months. here i am, 27 years old with 2 married siblings. most of my college and high school friends are married, have houses, have kids or all of the above and here i have none of the above. is there something wrong with me? yes - i'm depressed, constantly wondering what people think about me, constantly craving people's approval, suffering from some type of social anxiety, still trying to figure out if i'm that shy quiet girl from first grade, and further away from God than i ever have been in my life. there - all of my fears are in writing. i can't hide from them anymore. so now where do i start? i know i need to seek professional help. if i asked my sister, who has become my best friend, she would say that i need to start going to church. but is that really the answer? it's easy to say "you just need to put yourself out there" but that scares the hell out of me. i do know that i need to so something...but what and how?

7:50PM - toxicity

so here i am now sitting in my apartment in fairfield ohio and i just got off the phone with my brother who had some disturbing news. again, one thing at a time. since i last updated, a lot has changed. I no longer live in indianapolis and i don't work for bed bath and beyond anymore. to make a long story short, i asked to be transferred with BBB to Cincinnati to be closer to family and instead, they transferred me to another store - but in Indianapolis. i had it with them at that point. So Steve and Barry's (it's a clothing store) called me and after a month of interviews, they hired me to work at the dayton store to be an assistant manager. So needless to say, i am now closer to family and with a company that i truly love. it's amazing the amount of stress that was lifted off my shoulders when i left BBB. i was so sick of the politics and just basic crap and have been so much happier in the month and a half that i've been gone. i just wish i would have done it sooner....oh well.

family update - elizabeth is cuter than ever and was a big help during the move! she helped me pack my food and then proceeded to dump my powdered creamer over the food she had packed in the box. i didn't mind at all because i can't seem to ever get mad at her. Also, she will be getting a cousin in March. yep, that's right, my brother and his wife are pregnant and will be having their kid in march. that was another big reason why i wanted to move back here.

the only sad things have been the reasons why i've seen a lot of my friends and family on a regular basis. in the past 4 months, i've had to go to 3 funerals - both of my grandparents died during the summer and they were my dad's parents. so seeing my dad for the first time in many many years was not fun at all. then Tara's grandfather died a couple months ago. (tara is my new sister-in-law) and then my brother called me today and said that my great uncle died a couple days ago. Also, 2 of my favorite teachers have died too. it's a really strange thing when all of this happens at once and i'll never forget what one of my friends said at one of the funerals. "isn't it kinda weird that the only time we can all seem to get together is at weddings and funerals?" very very sad, but unfortunately true.

i know that i have a lot more to write, but i will update later. i now have a laptop and a wireless connection so i should be online more often.

8:22AM - 6 months later.....

so i'm sitting in my brother (and his future wife's) apartment right now and i figured i'd write a little more since i am horrible at updating this thing. a lot of things have changed - my brother's wedding is now only exactly one week away (may 19th), my niece's first birthday was yesterday and my boss at bed bath and beyond quit at the end of january. i'll go over one thing at a time.

i still can't believe my little brother is getting married! and to one of my best friends! i guess i can't really complain - they met because of me, which is really cool and i'm glad he's marrying someone that i love dearly. of course the whole invitation process brought up some family drama - which almost resulted with our mom saying she wasn't coming to the wedding and didn't want to have a relationship with anyone who did go or who was in it (which meant myself, my sister, my niece, my brother in law etc). this all stemmed from my brother being adamant about inviting my dad. out of the three of us, don was the only one who continued to have a relationship with my dad, but my mom did not like it. all the guilt trips came out when Don told her he was inviting dad "do you know what he put us through? do you know that he made me have a miscarriage?" etc. It was horrible. in the end, Don and my mom made up and she is coming to the wedding but a lot of damage has already been done. See the thing is, when we were growing up, she fought with us about this same subject time and time again - always threatened that if we screwed up so much that we could go live with our dad in alaska. but that was just the three of us. now there are more people involved and more families too. Tara's family has a bad taste in their mouth about my mom because of what she did. and to be quite honest, i don't blame them. At one point, my mom wanted me to choose a side and i kept telling her that that wasn't fair and i wasn't going to do it. it wasn't my place, i wasn't paying for the wedding and it wasn't my decision. of course she got mad but i couldn't help it. was that right of her to ask her own children - who are all grown up and not living under her roof anymore - to choose between their mother or their father? it's such a loaded question and it's making me mad just thinking about it again. but anyway, like i said, things are worked out and my mom will be at the wedding and so will my dad - yay (just a bit of sarcasm in there)

Elizabeth is one year old! I still can't believe it! She is so cute! I wish i could post a picture or at least figure out how to post one. one year ago today i was sitting in the hospital room holding this little person who was, now that i'm looking back on it, pretty boring but how i thought every little thing she did was amazing. "Jenny she opened her eyes! Jenny she yawned, Jenny i think she smiled! Jenny, i think her diaper needs to be changed" :) Now it's "What word is she saying? Is she walking yet? What is she laughing at?" All the pictures in my phone are of her and i think the people at work are sick of hearing about her, but i don't care :) if i have a cute baby to show off to everyone, then i'm going to do it. maybe i'm one of those people at work who other people dread to see because every time they do see me, i'm whipping out the latest picture or video. like i said, she's cute so i don't care. :)

and finally, my boss at work left the last week in january and it has been hell since he did leave. I was very close with him - we had a special bond. so special that when he left, everyone thought i would be right behind him. but i'm still there working for the new store manager. things at the store are very dramatic - a lot of people are leaving, and things are so up in the air. I still like my job but it's frustrating the have to feel like i have to prove myself all over again to this new manager. and i feel like i have to work 3 times harder because she keeps expecting me to leave. the thing that sucks about it is that people keep turning on each other in order to get ahead in the company and that's really sad to see. but i'll be there for a while - i have too much time and energy invested in that company and that store to just leave it. things will get better - i don't know if they can get much worse!

so that's my life in a nutshell (help, i'm in a nutshell) i'll try to post a picture of elizabeth because she's so frigging cute :)

3:36PM - almost been a year...

Darn, it was almost a year since i last updated. only one more day...oh well. anyway, i wanted to let whoever still reads this know that i am still alive. i still live in indy - well an hour east of indy. i still work for bed bath and beyond, although i was promoted in may. i'm still at the same store. I still have the same phone number. the one thing that is the huge difference is that i am now an aunt. my sister gave birth to elizabeth ann schrappe on may 11th and she is now my most favorite person in the world. i wasn't a baby person until she came along. i am so sappy when i get around her and i can't explain it! she' s so adorable and is the cutest baby in the world. anyway, i don't have much time, but i still have the same e-mail addresses at aol and hotmail, so send me an email if you get a chance or give my phone a call. i'll write more soon!

4:28PM - anger

I need to vent so much that it's not even funny. I don't know why it is, but these past couple weeks I have felt so angry and I can't even figure out why. I have a couple suggestions on why it may be - maybe it's because I work in retail during the holidays, or maybe it's because I feel out of touch with myself and my friends, maybe it's because I don't have any money, maybe it's because I’ve been working way too much. It could be all of the above or none of the above. I think a big portion of it is because I’m letting things get to me and starting to show my true self - especially at work. here's the scoop - at work, I am who I always wanted to be in a job - confident, caring, assertive, problem solving, hard working etc. For the first time, I feel like I am in a job that I will be in for a long time. Right now, I seriously can't see myself working anywhere else. My downfalls at my other jobs were that I liked the other employees more than I liked the job - now, I can say that I love both things equally. It also doesn't hurt that I laugh every single day I work and look forward to going to work every day. Also, for the first time, I truly think that other people see that I am a good employee. and not to sound conceited, but I think I am one of the best managers there - one who people know they can go to get an answer and one who will help them if they ever need it. on that same note, I can also say no when I need to and have no problem giving people feedback about their work if that situation arises - in the most tactful way possible of course :) the thing with our store is that it is the training store for 3 districts. When people get hired into the company, and if they will be working in Indianapolis, Cincinnati or Louisville, they have to spend 2 weeks in our store to get trained. One of the reasons I was brought to this store was because I’ve been with the company for a while and I feel that one of my strengths is training people. At one point, I told my store manager that and was very thankful that I did because I found out later that that was the main reason I was kept at this store - to help train people. So needless to say, working in this job has greatly improved my self-esteem and god knows I needed that.

Of course, I digress. For the first time at work, I’ve had to be mean Theresa. Mean in the sense that I let other people know that they screwed up. Of course, I have an example. Last Thursday, I was scheduled to go into work at noon. Right before that, I had a horrible phone call - don't worry, everyone is okay, but the call did not end well and actually ended with me hanging up with the other person. So I was already not a happy camper when I got to work. When I walked into my department, it looked like a tornado had come through it. not because we were busy (which we were - especially with it being 3 days before Christmas) but because 2 of the other bedding managers had decided to start 2 huge projects that would take them a couple of days to do. During Christmas time, you don't have time to do projects - you have to help the customers because there are a lot of them to help. So needless to say, I was more pissed when I walked into that mess. Crap was all over the floor, customers were being ignored - it was chaos. I looked at it in the sense that I had to clean it up. I wasn't mad that I had to clean it up - I felt it was my responsibility. That’s not a bad thing, but I know that more things are expected of me because I’ve been with the company for a while and I know how things work. So I got the mess cleaned up and had some choice words with the people who created the mess. One of the managers was brand new to the company, but had been in retail for a while. She came in after being a store manager at bath and body works (the same one I worked in btw) and immediately wanted to take over. She started telling me what to do and bossing everyone around. I was told by my boss that if I wasn't careful, she was going to walk all over me. Enter mean Theresa. I had to put up a front when I was around her so she would know she couldn't boss me around. Other people started getting scared when they saw that side of me, but I kept telling myself that it was something I had to do. So guess what happened to this manager on Monday - she went on break at 4:00 and never came back. I guess one thing I was scared that I was going to lose as I got older was being able to read people, but I don't think I have nor will I.

I know this entry was a little scattered, but I’m sick - not sick like mentally sick, but sick like cough cough and I haven't been on a computer in about a month :)

11:25PM - quote

here's a quote that came to me when lisa and i were talking tonight: "If you don't act goofy, how do you expect to stay sane." deep, huh :)

11:32PM - work work work and more work

hello one and all...yes, i am alive and yes i still exist :) i have been swallowed up by the lovely thing we like to call work. for those of you who don't know, i am working at bed bath and beyond (again) - i started there the middle of september (i think) and i LOVE it (no sarcasm) i really do truly love it. for once in my life, i feel like i'm really good at something and that people are praising me for my work. it really is good to start to be able to feel confident again. i love the people i work with and i love the company. at this point, i really don't see myself leaving anytime soon and that is such a good feeling to have. at one point in my life, i used to think that retail was a mindless job and that i should never call it a career, but it's not a mindless job at all. however, i can't really explain to you what i do all day. lisa came in to visit me at work one day and i was at the top of a 12 ft ladder. she watched me for a couple minutes, then i got sick of her watching me and made her help me :). later on during dinner, she said that she doesn't think she could do what i do, in the sense that she couldn't make a career out of stocking shelves. she didn't mean to offend me and she didn't, but i couldn't really explain to her what i do all day. all i know is that i'm good at what i do and i work my ass off. on the same end, i couldn't sit at a desk all day. it's all about knowing what will make you happy, and i used to think that i wanted a job where i sat at a desk all day. but after having one of those jobs, i realized that i thrive in a couple situations: chaos, business, a steady influx of people etc. i NEED to have interaction with different people on a daily basis. i'm not a shy person - i grew up thinking that i was, but the older i get, the more open and outgoing i get and i like that. i do tend to observe people and let them talk and once i get a feel for who they are, i open up to them.

i got off the subject. the store that i trained at is the busiest store in the midwest and we train the people who go to the cincinnati, lexington/louisville, and indianapolis areas. i stayed at that store from the middle of september until last week. the reason why i was there was to train me to get promoted and go to another store. well, last monday, my district manager told me that i was going to another store in the district to be promoted. i was happy and sad at the same time. i was happy because i was finally getting what i had worked my ass off for, but sad because i had really bonded with a bunch of people i worked with and i was the best manager in the building. in the back of my mind, something didn't seem right. i kept asking people if the transfer was a good thing and everyone assured me it was and that i was being paranoid. so i finish my week, and in the meantime, really bonded with my store manager at (i'm going to use store numbers bc it's easier 91 = training store, 814 = store i was being transferred to) 91. this guy, Tim (they call me ........ Tim :)) is a real hard-ass. very crass, very non-pc, very blunt, cusses a lot, but is really fun - once you get past being scared of him. he'll give you shit to bait you to see how you handle it and hopes you give it right back to him, which i did. some people are offended by him, but you just have to know how to take him. i was grateful to him because he let me release my anger on him and i became stronger in the process. but i digress. so i get to my new store on monday (yesterday) and something still doesn't seem right, but i convinced myself i was being paranoid and that i would probably love my new store. business wise, 814 does about 1/4th of the business that 91 does, so they need fewer people in the store to work. so i have to work by myself and don't get to talk to anyone. i cried for a few seconds, but got over it quickly and went on about my day. i got a phone call later in the afternoon and it was Tim. he said that he's pulling me back over to 91 in a week. i instantly got a huge smile on my face. i asked him why and he said that he was up all night thinking about it and after talking to the district manager, decided he needed me back at his store. i think the reason why he wants me back over there is because i've been with the company for almost 2 years and the managers he has over there now have been with the company for a little over a month. so needless to say, i am VERY excited to be going back over there and even more justifies the fact that i need to keep paying attention to my sub-conscious. i love the way things work out :)

the only bad thing about working so much is that it is hard to find time to hang out with people or even to call them back. i've been averaging 12 hour days and when i get home, i usually eat dinner, hang out with the roommates and go to bed. i know i should make time, but it's hard....i guess it will always come down to balance.

9:27PM - only

here's another song that i heard on the radio when i was coming home from work today. don't be scared by it...there are parts that i don't agree with, but the majority of it is pretty relevant to me right now

I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away (you might say) I'm losing focus
Kind of drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself
Sometimes I think I can see right through myself

Less concerned about fitting in to the world
Your world that is, because it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore

Yes I am alone, but then again I always was, as far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because, because you were never real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself, and it worked. Yes it did

There is no you, there is only me
There is no you, there is only me, only

Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye
And it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling
Like I just knew it's something bad
I just couldn't leave alone

And I kept picking at that scab
Like it was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through

And now I'm somewhere I am not supposed to be
And I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
Now I know why and now I know why
Things aren't as pretty on the inside

There is no you, there is only me, only

Is this really all there is?
Is this really all there is?

only, nine inch nails

8:06PM - fall

i love fall. L.O.V.E fall. i love everything about it - the colder weather, the leaves changing, the gray skies with the threat of rain or snow. i have always loved fall. it's such a relief after a summer of humidity and sweat. i love bringing out the sweaters and the jackets. it sounds corny, but i love it. every time fall starts coming around, i am always reminded of college. when i was in college, whenever fall came around, that meant that the school year was just beginning, which meant new experiences, new friends, new classes, new everything. i guess fall signifies a new beginning to me. since i have graduated college, fall still brings new things to me too. i'm usually settling into a new city or home when it is fall and that brings on new everything. this fall is no different and for some reason, i think i'm going to like it more than i've ever liked fall. for the first time, i think i'm going to take advantage of the season. i'm going to try to go on a hay-ride, i'm going to get pumpkins, i'm going to go all out on halloween (lisa is pulling me in this year!) - i'm going to try to take advantage of the season.

7:47PM - lyrics

here are lyrics to a song i've been identifying with a lot in the past couple months....

Someday they'll find your small town world on a big town avenue
Gonna make you like the way they talk when they're talking to you
Gonna make you break out of the shell cause they tell you to
Gonna make you like the way they lie better than the truth
They'll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say
They're gonna break your heart, yeah

[Chorus]

From what I've seen
You're just a one more hand me down
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Somebody ought to take you in
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they're under your skin
Never once did think they'd lie when they're holding you
You wonder why they haven't called
When they said they'd call you
You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by
You'll start to think you were born blind

[Chorus]

From what I've seen
You're just a one more hand me down
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

I'm here for the hard times
The straight to your heart times
Whenever it ain't easy
You can stand up against me
And maybe rely on me
And cry on me, yeah
Oh no, no, no

Some day they'll open up your world
Shake it down on a drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you

[Chorus]

From what I've seen
You're just a one more hand me down
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Lay them down on me
Oh yeah
You're just one more hand me down
And all those nights don't give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down...on me

-Hand me down, matchbox 20

3:01PM - balance

Here's something that i have recently realized. ever since i graduated from college, i've been depending on people's blogs to update me on what is going on in their lives. is this just part of growing up that i have to accept? i'm not saying this is a good or bad thing - there are pros and cons about this of course, but i guess i'm just trying to figure out if this is acceptable to me. have i become too busy to take a couple minutes out of my day to send an e-mail or give someone a call? that makes me sad if that's the case. and i'd love to use the excuse that i don't have the time to do that, but i do. i live 30 minutes away from my work - i could easily make a phone call while i'm in transit, but i don't. i guess i don't because in some ways, i'm selfish. what i mean is that i use that half hour (one hour total) every day to decompress - to listen to my music, to drive 75 mph with my windows down, (don't worry - i keep a lookout for cops :)) and look forward to my time with my roommates. i don't want to get to the point where i distance myself from other people just because i'm living with three people who i really want to take the time to get to know better. does that make sense? i guess what i'm saying is that right now, i feel like every extra minute i have, i want to devote to getting to know the people i live with better and better. lisa and i were talking the other night and we realized that we have a similar fear/thought. i was talking about how, after i get off work, i don't want to go out with other people because i want to get home as quickly as possible. i guess neither one of us wants to miss out on the creation of an inside joke, or a deep conversation etc. i know that probably sounds shallow and weird, but it makes sense to me. i really think it's (and by it i mean getting to know these people and letting my guard down enough so they can get to know me too) what i need right now. by no means do i want to or am i going to lose other friendships, but i just need to make sure i keep everything balanced :) (sound familiar?)

9:03PM - roommates

Hello all, it's that time again...hopefully this entry will be a bit more lighthearted than my past few, so here goes. First off, I have resolved things with the guy I wrote about. It really was just a miscommunication and I’m very glad that we talked about things. It looks like we will be friends for a very long time and I am very happy about that. Here’s something that amazes me - the older I get, the more I realize that most, if not all, differences can be resolved by talking about things. Miscommunication I think is the #1 thing that is at the root of all differences. I’m going to keep working on not letting things get to that point, but it will always be a work in progress.

The second thing is the subject line of this entry - my roommates. I have to say, I don't think I’ve ever been happier. it amazes me how the four of us didn't really know each other before we moved in together, but now we're all getting along swimmingly (did you like that? :)) sure, we are all in the same "group" of friends, but living together and hanging out together are two totally different things in my mind. It also amazes me how much we "complete" each other. what I mean is that there are things that each one of us are good at, but also things we need to be stronger in and usually there is someone in the house who is good at the thing you need to be stronger in and vice versa. It also really feels like a team environment. When we all eat dinner together, once we are done, everyone helps clean the kitchen. I really feel like we respect each other, and I think the main reason is because we are all adults. Here’s what I mean - we've lived on our own, we've lived with other people and at this point in our lives, we know what we need and want in our living arrangements and we are all respecting each other's needs and wants. The other thing is that I think we all feel comfortable enough to communicate what we need and want with each other and that is very important to me. I’ve had trouble voicing my feelings in the past, and in the short time that I’ve been living with them, I’ve become better at it. We also have so much fun together - like last night, jen sherburne came over and we all had so much fun, just laughing and acting like idiots. By the end of the night, all of our throats were sore from laughing so hard (it didn't help that I’m still getting over a cold, so I went into a couple coughing fits!) We all bring something different to the table and I think we are all accepting and welcoming each other's differences. here's another weird thing - I have had self esteem issues pretty much all my life and by no means, am I done dealing with these issues, but since I’ve been living here, I don't think I’ve ever felt more sure of myself. I’ve become more confident in who I am, how I deal with things, how to communicate my feelings with others - I’ve become more honest with myself. Since the church thing, I kinda went on a bad streak and I believed that I was a bad person. I really truly thought that I was a bad person and sometimes these thoughts took me to a place I never thought I would go to - thoughts that scared the crap out of me and made me withdraw deeper into myself. Since I’ve been here, those thoughts have diminished greatly in number and I’m starting to see that I’m not a bad person. I still have some growing to do, but like I said, I’m a work in progress :)

I’ve never been happier. I really feel blessed that I was given the opportunity to live with these girls, and I can't wait until we get to know each other better. :)

8:57AM - an addendum

after going to bed last night and thinking more about things i wrote in my recent entry, i feel the need to add a couple things. when i was talking about seeing a side of people, i was mainly referring to the hurricane disaster that has been on the news. i don't think i've been able to watch any coverage of it without crying. seriously. it is heartbreaking and i want to go help out, but it seems like every time i tell someone that, they try to persuade me not to go. that there is plenty of help. i wish i could just take a month off work to go down there and help re-build some houses. i've done habitat for humanity. i know how to listen and take direction pretty well. i can do a pretty good job of swinging a hammer without hitting myself :) isn't it sad that we live in a society where we are bound to our jobs and financial obligations? wouldn't it be great if we could tell our student loan lenders "sorry, i can't make a payment this month because i will be down in new orleans helping people re-build their lives". i know i could donate money, but that would mean that i have extra money to donate, which i don't right now. i just feel so helpless and that kills me. the other thing that kills me is hearing people on the news bicker back and forth about someone not doing what they are supposed to do. even this morning, i saw a family who has been staying in their house throughout the entire storm and they were blaming the city for not taking care of something when they were supposed to! like they were blaming the city for the damn hurricane! i'm sure everyone could have done something different to help prepare for the hurricane, but at what point will people stop pointing fingers and start helping others? what good does it do to try to blame everyone else? there have been so many stories of people opening up their homes, of people saving strangers, of people donating everything they can, yet it still doesn't seem like enough. i'm going to try to volunteer somewhere. i need to do something.

9:04PM - pissed off

I’m pissed off and here's why. First off, is it wrong of me to assume that if someone says they are your friend that that person should be there for you no matter what? Now I understand if you don't agree with what your friend has done, but is that any reason to judge the other person? I also understand that this might depend on the situation, but if he or she is your true friend, should it matter? The reason why I ask is because I did something kinda stupid and I made the mistake of telling one of my friends about it. In their defense, they have talked to me about doing this sort of thing and how it is not healthy for me and that's great and all, but now I think our friendship might be in trouble. I really feel like this person is judging me and might not want to talk to me about things anymore. I’m getting really sick of it. Sometimes I also feel like I can't tell him things (I was going to try to keep it anonymous, but it was getting too hard) because I’m scared that he'll react the way he is reacting right now. That really hurts. The thing that kills me is that the stupid thing that I did, I’m pretty sure this person has done the same thing at some point in his life. It really sucks that our friendship could seriously be in trouble because of this. I thought it was stronger than that.

That’s another point - I wish I was strong enough to tell him this and to prevent the stupid thing from happening in the first place. Do I really have that low of an opinion of myself to not be able to stop crap like this? I know I’ve written about this before and counseling has helped me a little bit, but apparently not enough. I wish I could just say no - in general. I wish I could express my true feelings without worrying about the other person liking me or not. I wish I could trust other people enough to know that they will support me no matter what I do. It’s starting to eat me alive. I’m feeling my anger getting bottled up and misdirected at other things. The other thing that kills me is that the older I get, the more I see sides of people that I’m not sure I like. Here’s what I mean. Why do people think that most of the people they come into contact with have a hidden agenda or are out to take advantage of them? So because they think that, they have their guard up even before you say a word to them. It’s really frustrating. And I realize that not everyone is like that and I will run into these people more so in my chosen profession, but it's really hard to not let it affect me personally.

Random thoughts - that's all the above stuff is. I feel the need to resolve some of the stuff I wrote about. I would like to repair my friendship with the guy, but I don't know if he trusts me anymore, and that hurts. I realize that I screwed up, but I hope he doesn't think that I did anything to intentionally piss him off. I know my life is off-track right now and that I need to branch out and get involved in community work, but I don't feel like I’m a good enough person to do that kind of stuff. That’s the truth. I don't really know how to explain it without sounding depressing, so I’m not going to try.

On a lighter note, I love my living arrangements. I really love having people to come home to and I think this will help me in learning to become more vocal about my feelings. We are all getting along very well and I think the main reason why that is happening is because we are acting like adults - sure we have our disagreements, but we are talking about things instead of bottling them up. I’ve actually been kind of scared to write about things because I vividly remember writing how happy I was in Rensselaer and then it slowly turned to crap. But I really think this situation will be different and I’m so lucky to be here and I know the girls feel the same way :)

9:03PM

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something that will confine you. You are afraid of marriage.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

9:53PM - the human spirit

Justin, quit correcting my spelling and grammar errors!.,?

to give a very brief update before I get to what I want to write about, I will be moving to Indy at the beginning of August and will be living with sarah hachey, lisa scherb, and susan huss. I am very excited to be back down in Indy and to be living with these people. Now I just need to find a job :). The wedding was awesome - a couple people wrote recaps in their journals, so I’m not going to say anything else. Just that I had a great time - it was very emotional, but amazing to see and be part of such a beautiful symbol of two people's love for each other.

The thing that I really want to write about has to do what where I am and what I will be doing this week. First, a little back story (my stories always need back-story, right? :)) Shawn Roser's mom has Multiple sclerosis (MS) and back in January, she came to live with him and Jill in their house in Wheaton. I came up a couple times and met her (Rachel) and I was amazed at how much their lives had changed since she came to live with them. The changes they had made were necessary and pretty dramatic: for example: they can't really just leave for a weekend like they used to, they had to find people to come in and take care of her during the day, and they had to remodel their house to name a few things. My initial thought was "I don't think I could do that” but now I feel ashamed for thinking that. I have the utmost respect and admiration for them. What they are doing is amazing and I think my life has been changed in seeing their selflessness.

So back to what I’m doing this week. A couple weeks ago, (more back-story, I know) Shawn called me and left me a message that scared the shit out of me. He just said that he had a question to ask me. I called him back and my fears were not calmed when he said he had to talk to me about something. My heart started beating really fast, etc. Then he said "a while ago, you said that if there was anything you could do, to let you know. Well, we thought of something we need you to do. We are planning on going to Hawaii for a week in June and we were wondering if you would be willing to come stay at our house for that week to kinda watch over my mom." I was so touched that they thought of me and immediately said yes, to which he sounded very surprised :) he explained to me that there are people who come during the day and that what they wanted was someone to spend the night, just in case something happened. I told him I would do it and that we would stay in touch over the coming weeks.

fast forward about a month - I’m here now and it is amazing. I didn't think I would be touched as much as I am. The thing that is affecting me so much is her spirit. She is confined to a bed and can only move her neck. She is very witty, smart and selfless. Whenever I visit with her, she always asks me about myself and wants to know as much as she can about me. I can't help but think "how would I be if I was in her position" and my answer is "I hope just like her" but here I am, with the ability to move every muscle in my body, to drive a car, to pretty much do whatever I want and I feel like I’m taking everything for granted. Her spirit and mind are strong when her body is weak and my body is strong when my mind and spirit are weak. Ironic, huh? I have definitely learned to not focus on the things that are bad in my life. I have so much to be thankful for, yet I seem to only think about and worry about what's wrong and what's going to happen next. I need to live in the here and now. I have become very attached to her a very short period of time and it will be very hard to leave her.

I think another reason why this experience is affecting me as much as it is is because in the last couple months, I feel like I’ve put up a huge wall between myself and everyone else around me. I’ve been hurt a lot and I could feel myself starting to push people away. It was hard for me to have serious conversations, I was becoming too wrapped up in material things and my faith had definitely taken a back seat. I wouldn't even say it was in the back seat - do you know those old cars from the '30's where the bad guys would sit in the very back to shoot at the people following them? That’s where my faith was/is. I was becoming a snob. And I’m sorry if I offended anyone during this time. I could feel that something was wrong, but I didn't know what and I didn't know how to fix it. I guess there was a part of me that wanted to rebel against who I was in college. I loved who I was in college, but I always thought that I would get a youth minister job after graduation and pretty much be set for the rest of my life. Turns out, it didn't happen that way and when I did get a minister job, I sucked at it. It took a pretty hefty toll on me and my faith and I guess I wanted to be a bad girl. Bad in the sense that I pulled away from God, my friends and my family. Sure I talked to all of them on a pretty regular basis, but I didn't feel like I was really saying anything. I didn't feel the connection like I used to. I definitely have some things to work on, so please be patient with me. :) This experience has made me take a step back and look at everything differently and for that alone, I will forever be grateful to Rachel, Shawn, and Jill.

This next part is for Shawn: If you are not Shawn, you can continue reading if you'd like :) If you are Shawn, you'd better keep reading :)
Shawn, I really admire what you and Jill have done for your mom. You have given her a safe place to live and have surrounded her with loving, caring people who really want the best for her. During the time I spent with her, she rarely complained and was always concerned with my well-being. I think that is a direct reflection on the environment you two have created for her. I know it hasn't been easy on you two, but I hope you always know how much I admire both of you and if there is ever anything else I can do, please let me know. Thank you very much for this experience.

11:08AM - do you know how fast you were going, ma'am? :)

howdy folks! i know it's been a while since i updated, but i've been pretty busy and i keep thinking of updating this, then i get too overwhelmed with all the stuff i want to put in here that i don't do it. it's a vicious cycle :) there is something on my mind that i need to get off my chest: i repented today. i know, it's not a normal thing for people to do in a given day (but then again, shouldn't we?) i just got back from my session, jessica (see below) helped me realize that i feel like if i let my guard down, then people will hurt me. God showed me that if I don't let my guard down, i won't ever trust anyone. i also learned that i let fear cripple me and hold me back from things that could potentially be really good for me. so jessica and i prayed together and i told God to help me not let fear rule my life and that it doesn't have a place in my life anymore. so now anytime i feel that fear try to resurface, i have to stop and say that it does not have a place in my life anymore. it was pretty powerful stuff. i feel a lot better now that i've realized that.

the above paragraph was a thought i had to get down so i didn't forget it. i'm sorry if it was hard to understand. here is some more information. i've been going to see a counselor in cincinnati for about 2 months now and it has been an amazing experience for me. she specializes in a certain type of counseling called theophostic. the basic gist of it is that about once a month or so, jessica (my counselor) takes me back to a memory that has hindered my present thinking. for example, i feel like i have to make people happy which we found was a result of a situation that i went through with my dad when i was four years old. i saw that he wasn't happy when we were camping and i thought i was the only person who could make him feel better. turns out, that he was at such a bad stage in his life that no one could make him happy. there's more to that memory, but basically the theophostic process takes you back to a memory that, depending on how it was interpreted at the time, may have changed the way you deal with things now. i don't really know how to explain it in words, but it is a very powerful process and has made me realize some very important things. the rest of the sessions we have together are normal counseling sessions. i can't tell you how good it is to talk to someone who doesn't know me and who is a third party in my life. she is helping me realize that some of my fears are not worth worrying about. sure it's healthy to have some fear, but i think i was getting to the stage where it was crippling me. she is also helping me see that some of my thoughts are crazy, but in a good way. sometimes I need a swift kick in the ass and for some reason, it feels like it has more uummphh coming from a third party. does that make sense? the main thing is that she is re-assuring my good thoughts, when i used to discard them and think they were stupid, and she is telling me that some of my bad thoughts are just that. it's really cool.

i'm very excited about this weekend! and i'm moving to indy! :) we are going to sign the lease tonight - i'll let you all know the details once i know them :)