.::No Matter What I Am Always Gonna Be The Queen.:'s Blurty Entries [entries|friends|calendar]
.::No Matter What I Am Always Gonna Be The Queen.:

[ userinfo | blurty userinfo ]
[ calendar | blurty calendar ]

fuck this place. [06 Apr 2004|08:19pm]
Ok. So I always go to NA, with CJ, because..ya know...like I feel safe with him...He needs to be there too ya know...and I KNOW that there is NEVER ANYTHING wrong with a little extra FUCKING support in life. God knows that I haven't had much goddamn support to stay clean from ANYONE...And he gives it to me, so I damn well want him to be there. Well...my fucking narrow minded fucking heartless parents wouldn't let me go to NA tonight because.."it isn't necessary"...............FUCK YOU!!!

I already can't meet the 90 meetings in 90 days because they don't want that...so why the fuck couldn't I go tonight? Usually I CANNOT get to the Tuesday meetings because I have FAMILY counseling..Because of Passover it was canceled...there ya go...free FUCKING time to go to another MEETING but noooooooooooooooooooooooo. NOT I.

Oh...yeah...they also think the reason I go to NA is to see CJ...FUCK...F-U-C-K that...ok...I don't fucking care if he can't get to one FUCKING meeting with me........yes...I L-I-K-E him there with me...,but if that's the GODDAMN reason...what the fuck.....

Godddddddd...
Really...Really....There's so much fucking shit going on, you'd think they'd fucking understand...You know, they know I cut, they know I SMOKED Crack, they know I am Borderline, they know we all just lost our dear MO, what the fuck...no sympathy...

Times like this...I wish they never caught me using...
Then I'd still be there damn ass fucking fake "good" little girl.

I hate them.



-------------------------------------------------------------------

sorry for cutting cj.
post comment

clean? [05 Apr 2004|10:07pm]
[ mood | curious ]
[ music | nadaz ]

A quick update for everyone...
I'm almost 8 months clean from Crack!!! Whooo!!!
Though, I am only one day clean for all other substances...
I've been in a relapse mode lately.
Nothing...MAJOR...well, no I'm lying...any use is major...But I've been going to as many MEETINGS as possible, starting to get to know people and getting some HEALTHY connections...I have always planned on JUST smoking weed later in life...or JUST drinking, but I have noticed...that AIN'T gonna happen...So here I go,...day 1....TOTALLY CLEAN.

*Wish me luck*

post comment

Keep coming back? [04 Apr 2004|09:24pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]
[ music | Love Song-311 ]

Ok. Yeah. I am totally CONFUSED with life now. I really have NO FUCKING clue what the hell is going on. I've noticed this more than ever today, I really am fucking clueless. Fucking clueless. Right...so the whole day with me and CJ was weird..but then we had to get fucking wasted...well..I did...whatever...he was drunk I don't care what he says, I could see it in his face....anywho, so we were with fucking Birdman, and fucking we just had to go to Kenny's house. I knew it was a bad idea...I just fucking knew it...I wanted to say something but I know how much he misses being chill with his friends...I mean...yeh whatever...so I just went along with it..playing it cool...even though I really was NOT chillin....I mean...I was drunk...something like 10 minutes after I cracked the 40...I knew I was going to be smashed...I just knew it...I didn't want to sound like the I'll young buck...whatever. Fuck that...I haven't drank a 40 in months..so...fuck it. Anyway...Everything was REMOTELY ok until Glak hadda come. I mean...I had this weird feeling he was going to once Kenny said he would...I like pictured it in my mind, and I had one of those gut feelings that shit was just going to hit the fan. Right, so...yeah...the lil guy always bugs the FUCK out when Glak is around. I mean...wow...like...whatever the kid is hot, but he's just so not right...I mean...he's just...wrong. ok...that's not the right way to explain it...He's no comparision to CJ and CJ has nothing to worry about...but of course he won't believe that...so it really doesn't matter now does it?

Shits really weird. I could write so much but I don't even know where to start. First off...I wish I didn't get drunk...I mean yeh, it was cool, but it causes more problems than I really can handle right now. I was so fucking SAD at the NA meeting. Godddamn, the one guy was so right...I don't weigh out the good and bad with my drug use; I know shit gets worse when I use...(except for weed, I still haven't found anything bad with it...but whatever for now, because it isn't even an issue)...I can't even drink, it just doesn't mesh well with my life anymore...it's just not me. I can't handle being fucked up...even though I still miss it...I guess that's why I have to keep going to meetings huh?...anyway...continuing on why I was so sad...that same guy was talking about his wife and how...he doesn't let her feel...and he's just a flat out ASSHOLE to her...even though he was the one who hurt her...like...he denys her of feeling...and that's what I do. I am so ashamed of how I have treated CJ...I know it's the first CLEAN relationship I've been in...and him too...and that it's going to be hard, and we are both gonna be a lil unstable...but I feel like I have hurt him wayyyy too much...just like I hurt everyone else I care about...it's such a fucking PREDICTABLE cycle with me...you would think that I'd be able to fucking catch myself...but I can...I'm a fucking cunt. That's blatenly obvious...I really just am an unstable human being...I wish I could change...I want to be happy...I want to make him happy. I want US to be happy. I want to be clean. I want him to be clean...



I want...

N-O-W!

post comment

Keep coming back? [04 Apr 2004|09:24pm]
[ mood | lethargic ]
[ music | Love Song-311 ]

Ok. Yeah. I am totally CONFUSED with life now. I really have NO FUCKING clue what the hell is going on. I've noticed this more than ever today, I really am fucking clueless. Fucking clueless. Right...so the whole day with me and CJ was weird..but then we had to get fucking wasted...well..I did...whatever...he was drunk I don't care what he says, I could see it in his face....anywho, so we were with fucking Birdman, and fucking we just had to go to Kenny's house. I knew it was a bad idea...I just fucking knew it...I wanted to say something but I know how much he misses being chill with his friends...I mean...yeh whatever...so I just went along with it..playing it cool...even though I really was NOT chillin....I mean...I was drunk...something like 10 minutes after I cracked the 40...I knew I was going to be smashed...I just knew it...I didn't want to sound like the I'll young buck...whatever. Fuck that...I haven't drank a 40 in months..so...fuck it. Anyway...Everything was REMOTELY ok until Glak hadda come. I mean...I had this weird feeling he was going to once Kenny said he would...I like pictured it in my mind, and I had one of those gut feelings that shit was just going to hit the fan. Right, so...yeah...the lil guy always bugs the FUCK out when Glak is around. I mean...wow...like...whatever the kid is hot, but he's just so not right...I mean...he's just...wrong. ok...that's not the right way to explain it...He's no comparision to CJ and CJ has nothing to worry about...but of course he won't believe that...so it really doesn't matter now does it?

Shits really weird. I could write so much but I don't even know where to start. First off...I wish I didn't get drunk...I mean yeh, it was cool, but it causes more problems than I really can handle right now. I was so fucking SAD at the NA meeting. Godddamn, the one guy was so right...I don't weigh out the good and bad with my drug use; I know shit gets worse when I use...(except for weed, I still haven't found anything bad with it...but whatever for now, because it isn't even an issue)...I can't even drink, it just doesn't mesh well with my life anymore...it's just not me. I can't handle being fucked up...even though I still miss it...I guess that's why I have to keep going to meetings huh?...anyway...continuing on why I was so sad...that same guy was talking about his wife and how...he doesn't let her feel...and he's just a flat out ASSHOLE to her...even though he was the one who hurt her...like...he denys her of feeling...and that's what I do. I am so ashamed of how I have treated CJ...I know it's the first CLEAN relationship I've been in...and him too...and that it's going to be hard, and we are both gonna be a lil unstable...but I feel like I have hurt him wayyyy too much...just like I hurt everyone else I care about...it's such a fucking PREDICTABLE cycle with me...you would think that I'd be able to fucking catch myself...but I can...I'm a fucking cunt. That's blatenly obvious...I really just am an unstable human being...I wish I could change...I want to be happy...I want to make him happy. I want US to be happy. I want to be clean. I want him to be clean...



I want...

N-O-W!

post comment

I want to die. God grant me the serenity. [21 Mar 2004|11:09pm]
[ mood | blank ]
[ music | I DONT WANT TO KNOW. ]

That's it...I've FUCKING had it. The second I get fucking HARD liquor...and any kind of pills...ITS fucking DONE. I can't stand it anymore. I hate life. There's no point of even trying. I know this, I know I will always fuck shit up, I know I can't stay happy, and I know something will always go wrong...ya know..there really is no fucking point...I might as well just fucking jump in front of a train. Seriously, if I had the balls to do it right now I would.

WHAT THE FUCK WAS WRONG WITH ME THIS WEEKEND. Why did I actually think everything was ok. Nothing will ever be ok, I fucking know this...what the fuck...talk about rosed colored glasses, mine were fucking thick ass bifocals...shit man...I actually thought I'd be ok...what the fuck was I smoking yo...oh my god I'm so stupid.


BorderX13 [10:57 PM]: no
BorderX13 [10:58 PM]: let me try and fix it
This is slice [10:58 PM]: no.
BorderX13 [10:59 PM]: pumpkin listen, i am forgetting about everything in the past, this weekend really made me realize how much we should be together, i enjoyed every second with u and it still wasnt long enough for me to be with you
BorderX13 [10:59 PM]: i would never try to hurt u on purpose
BorderX13 [11:00 PM]: i only want the best for u
This is slice [11:01 PM]: rite.


Yeah..ok kill me now. Right, ok forget about the past...that never happens. Hate to say it SWEETIE...but that's not how shit goes down in life...YOU NEVER FORGET,and it ALWAYS HURTS....I want to kill myself...I really do. I know I am going to be misrable for the rest of my life....


I hate to say this...because I'm stealing it from someone I hate...

but...
...........
........
.........
......
.....

......
..............

PULL THE TRIGGER YOU PUSSY...

post comment

random thoughts. [17 Mar 2004|09:57pm]
[ mood | cranky ]
[ music | i dont wanna know ]

Do you that your boy is wack?
acting like he knows who I am,
tellin ya other man I smoked crack
we already know im not one for friends,
I don't care how much money people stack,
I don't need to roll around in a Benz,
people without the material shit,
have what the rich people lack
I've never been a people person baby you know that,
I've gone from being miss fucking popular,
to a hermit in five minutes flat
you give little sudden hints
meanwhile I throw crazy afew hissy fits
outsiders gotta bitch
in the background one girl starts to twitch
continuing on theres too much drama in my life,
one little bird keeps flapping her wings,
lately I've become closer with my sidekick
who's a lot sharper than a knife,
chill baby i promise just one more cut tonight
two towns now became rivals,
the obvious losers are in denial,
life has been for the fittest,
others won't find what they need to survive,
but I will

post comment

this is perfect. [17 Mar 2004|07:56pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | dirt off your shoulder-jayz ]

Whut are friends?

Friends are people that you think are your friends
But they really your enemies, with secret indentities
and disguises, to hide they true colors
So just when you think you close enough to be brothers
they wanna come back and cut your throat when you ain't lookin...

Whut is life?...I'm tired of life.


"The fact is, I can't fool you, any of you. It simply isn't fair to you, or to me. The worst crime can think of would be to pull people off by faking it, pretending as if I'm having one 100% fun...
I must be one of the narcisists who only appreciate things when they're alone. I'm too sensitive, I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm..." -Kurt Cobain

LADIIEZ IIZ PIIMPZ 2...BRUSH YA SHOULDERZ OFFFF.

nooo baby. i just like that. coz girls can pimp it toooo...

post comment

this is perfect. [17 Mar 2004|07:56pm]
[ mood | sick ]
[ music | dirt off your shoulder-jayz ]

Whut are friends?

Friends are people that you think are your friends
But they really your enemies, with secret indentities
and disguises, to hide they true colors
So just when you think you close enough to be brothers
they wanna come back and cut your throat when you ain't lookin...

Whut is life?...I'm tired of life.


"The fact is, I can't fool you, any of you. It simply isn't fair to you, or to me. The worst crime can think of would be to pull people off by faking it, pretending as if I'm having one 100% fun...
I must be one of the narcisists who only appreciate things when they're alone. I'm too sensitive, I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm..." -Kurt Cobain

LADIIEZ IIZ PIIMPZ 2...BRUSH YA SHOULDERZ OFFFF.

nooo baby. i just like that. coz girls can pimp it toooo...

post comment

You still have...all of me... [10 Mar 2004|11:56pm]
[ mood | sad ]
[ music | ffx music... ]

I want to know what's wrong with me...I've decided that. I am fucking sick of wanting to fucking kill myself. Because I know that it not how I should be feeling. But I don't even know what the fuck to start with. I know I don't want to die. I like life wayyy too much for that. So then what exactly is wrong??? I'm so sick of being told that my problems are because I am a teenageer. Bull-fucking-shit. I've had enough shit go on in my life that I am no longer allowed to be a child, so what exactly are my problems considered to be ones of a child. Crack recovery is not a child problem. Neither is having a totally sadistic outlook on life. A child doesn't slice her arms open. A child who has problems doesn't cry herself to sleep over the wrong she has done, and wants to repent for but doesn't fucking know where to start........... MY PROBLEMS AREN'T FAKE..............

I wish people knew how much I hurt inside. I wish they knew that I don't want to hurt them, that I don't want to be a bitch...that I just want to be liked. I want to feel like I am "normal" enough to function in their world...I want to be part of their world. But I will never be and I know that...so why can't I just find my happy place in my world???Huh? Why is that so fucking goddamn hard?

Why can't I feel love. Real love? I mean, yeah I can feel it...but why do I always fuck it up? Seriously though...I hurt other people.......mainly CJ, but really, I'm not a fucking pimp...ya know...I hurt myself so much in the bullshit that I am doing. It's not like I am doing it to make myself happy. I think I am doing it to hurt myself even more...what the fuck is wrong with me...why do I self distruct constantly....


Why?

post comment

werd. [22 Feb 2004|02:54pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | ffx-2 theme ]

Vampire
Vampire: A creature of the night, you feed off the
blood of human beings to survive. You often
times feel like an outsider looking in on the
living. Just on the edge, but never fully a
part of the life you left behind when you where
embraced. You are a predator, and people are
your prey. You have all the time in the world
to plan out your un-life, but your sensations
are a pale mockery of what you once had in all
things save one, the feeding, the embrace, the
feel of blood as it flows into your body to
sustain you. It is the one thing that you can
feel fully, and you cling to it.


What type of World of Darkness Creature Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

post comment

werd. [22 Feb 2004|02:54pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | ffx-2 theme ]

Vampire
Vampire: A creature of the night, you feed off the
blood of human beings to survive. You often
times feel like an outsider looking in on the
living. Just on the edge, but never fully a
part of the life you left behind when you where
embraced. You are a predator, and people are
your prey. You have all the time in the world
to plan out your un-life, but your sensations
are a pale mockery of what you once had in all
things save one, the feeding, the embrace, the
feel of blood as it flows into your body to
sustain you. It is the one thing that you can
feel fully, and you cling to it.


What type of World of Darkness Creature Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

post comment

i'm so tired of being here.... [15 Feb 2004|05:45pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | i do (cherish you) ]

I fucking hate being me. It makes me fucking sick. I hate every little thing about me, my entire being makes me want to fucking puke. Nothing ever works out in my life...just...right ya know. Like, ok...wonderful day, got to see CJ, mom was ok with it...We all went bowling...great time. Fucking peachy...ya know...

But the whole time she kept saying how he had to go home after. Then when we were waiting for his Dad, they were like, well he could come back to the house, but his Dad was already on the way. What the FUCK is that? Why couldn't she say something before. So now here I am, just wanting to see him, and I am fucking alone. Again.

Not only that...then I notice...I'm even more lonely than I could be. Not only can I not be with him right now...I just noticed, he's not even my boyfriend..he's just my friend. So, I am even more alone than before. I hate this. I want to feel. But I can't. I just can't.

All I want to do is cut my arm...slice...S-L-I-C-E....that it...that is itttttttttt...I have to find something in this god foresaken house that I can cut with...I don't even know if there is something...I guess I am going to have to break something plastic...ho hum....

-----------------------------------------------------
I Do (Cherish You) lyrics
All I am, all I'll be
Everything in this world
All that I'll ever need
Is in your eyes
Shining at me
When you smile I can feel
All my passion unfolding
Your hand brushes mine
And a thousand sensations
Seduce me 'cause I

I do cherish you
For the rest of my life
You don't have to think twice
I will love you still
From the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If you're asking do I love you this much
I do

In my world, before you
I lived outside my emotions
Didn't know where I was going
'Til that day I found you
How you opened my life
To a new paradise
In a world torn by change
Still with all of my heart
'Til my dying day

post comment

Happy Valentines Day...my love. [14 Feb 2004|02:13am]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun...dodado....dodado...dun dun.... ]

This is what happens when you invite your ex-boyfriend/current...lover...for a lack of a better word/best friend over...in the early hours of the morning to see on Valentines Day...It's a classic bug out convo, we were both spazzing because my mom woke up and shit...it was mad weird. I typed for the most part....so I'ma try to fill in his answers in the ( ) just to make it more funny. I'll tell you what he writes. Mind you...before this convo...I thought his friend Paul drove him to my crib...actually...he stole the 'rents car...hahaha
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
i am going to type instead of talking.
much safer
( nods head yes)

(he motions "what's that noise")
its the cat.

they wont just walk in.

he types: did u cum hehehe

thats the first thing that cums to your mind rite?
sicko
yeah

anyway...im buggin

my computer sucks

thats darryl
( he goes to type, but pulls his hands away)
dont wanna type? too much noise? lol......haha ima have a heart attack......dead -floor. me dead floor

i think its ok

*my mom makes a weird sound* (he looks at me questioning what the fuck shes doing)

i dno what the fuck she was dewin

weird. crazy lady.

i love you.
( he whispers, I love you too)

type damnit. she cant tell the difference between me and yu. ( he laffs)

buggin. me 2. so is the dog. hahahahaha did yu really drive? ( smiles. nods me a yes )
thats terrible. yu liar. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

THATS SO BAD....LOL YOU CAN DRIVE. HAHAHAHAHA. Phone books?( he says that he knew i would say that)
I think when you leave ima shit myself. because i am soooooooooooo scared right now. ( he giggles)

getting yu outta my house is gonna make me puke. (hr cover my mouth like he's holding in my puke lol )
i cant even type.

idk who that is. ( he just motioned out the window...there was a car parked with lights on facing my house, fo shizzle....loooooooool)

vito maybe. ( looks at me like he really doesnt give a fuck who it is)

hahaha jk

thats weird idk who that is.........

he types: my parents are dicks, they would come and take the car and make me like walk

would they tell the program yu were at my crib? ( shakes head no )

my parents?( smiles. shrugs shoulders. says i dno silently.) noooooooooooooooo get the fuck out! nooooooooo. i cant get yu out rite now........they are awake....why idno

ima need to relapse after tonite. (shakes head no)

maddddddddddddd crack. ( just gives me a look)

i have fucking cotton mouth i am so scared. lol ima puss. ( laffs)

is that car gone? ( nods yes )
that other car
o0o was it the 'rents? (nods no)

shh loud. (bangs arm against wall)
assssssssssshole.

i hate this. bad idea...bad bad bad bad bad idea. im buggin you are? or me? lol its not yur house!!! my parents would tell the program you were at my house! thattttttttttttts terrible. you'd get violated. ohhhhhhhhhhh yeah. def. nonononono your in denial. WITH A GIRL! FUCKING HER IN HER CRIB. NONONONONO. (hes biggin and laffin at me this whole time)

And t aking their car. YOU FUCK. SHUT THE FUCK UPPPPP..(smiles again)

I'ma send you this convo so we can laff about it later. (giggles)

lol. right now it really isnt so funny. i really really thing that i am going to throw up.
(smiles....laffs, covers mouth again)
i cant even type i feel dumb. oh god. LOUD. LOUD. LOUD. NO NOISE. NONE! ZIP NADA ZILCH.

he types:DROP...

werd.

wait...that means i have to move. fuck. wait a minute until my leg wont twitch. i feel like fucking TB over here.( laffs loudly.)

what the fuck is that shit? im mad tired. you FUCKED me. hahah...nah it was all sweet n shit. that damn song just HADDA come on. fucker. I never listened to it b4 then. terrible. (smiles, hugs me)

he types: r u ok now?

not really. in all aspects i am FUCKING WIGGING OUT. (smile)

I am going insane. Nervous *i ask him if i spelt that right* ( he says yes) breakdown.

i really do think i am going to puke at some point. hahaha ur belly. it made a silly noise. hehehehe. that wasnt me. it was too low to be me lol. (he laffs)

he types: im madd tired

are yu gonna crash the whip? (shakes head no)

good. see that was u.

and ....... are you FUCKING DUMB. why did yu take the car?

he types: cause u dont think i can drive.

u but you didnt have to prove it tonite damn. ( he laffs)

you know...when we are married and have kids then you can show me that you can drive. lol. (laffs, and shakes head, he prlly wanted to slap me)

im gonna have a coranairy?( he checks for my heartbeak, and doesn't find it) im dead no heartbeat. its mad hard to find.

ima vampire. forgot to tell yu.

i dont know how to get yu outta the crib w/o waking them up

its maddddddddddd loud.

*i scratch my eye all weird and shit* ( he looks at me weird)

something in my eye

fucking eyelashes.

(he asks if he can go out the bedroom window.)

lemme check......stay put. (nods his head ok) * i check...he can*

ima have a heartattack. its fucking retarded. im shook like ima be jumped my 1000000000000000000000000000000 niggers. lol ( he laffs)

thats the fucking whip you loon.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh sooooo bad.

he says: i told u im a crazue kid

obviously.

are yu tired?
( he says yes)
wanan go?
(he says yeah)
ok get shoes on then silly.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yeah...that was my Valentines Day...it's kinda twisted...but I had alot of fun. I love being with him, no matter how crazie it is. He asked what we are..and really I don't know. I don't want to go out with him right now...shit will just get all fucked up again....I know...that we will go back out ya know...I love him. Even if I am hooking up with Mike...that doesn't change how I feel about him...I know it must be hard for him to understand...but it is possible....I really think Mike is more of a distraction for me right now...a way for me to keep busy. I really don't have any feelings for the kid...I like him...but that doesn't really mean anything. There's no real feeling behind it...on some real junk...he's my toy. That's terrible, I know...but fuck it. I love CJ. Nothing Mike does, or anyone else for that matter is going to change that. Seriously, I think we just need some time without the labels of a relationship. I know this is really hard for him, it must be...because it is hard for me and it is my choice. All I wanted to do was spend time with him on Valentines Day...but I think it might have hurt him. FUCK. Maybe we shouldn't hook up....but it's so hard....I want to be able to feel...*him*....even if no one else knows.


brandi

post comment

fuck this. [12 Feb 2004|09:18pm]
[ mood | crappy ]
[ music | 1000 words. ]

I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.I WANT TO GO AWAY.

I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.I CAN'T BE A FRIEND.

TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.TAKE THIS ALL AWAY.

LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN
LOVE=PAIN

post comment

Terrible. [09 Feb 2004|05:31pm]
[ mood | confused ]
[ music | one call away ]

I hate everything right now.
I come home wanting to talk to CJ, and of course he's with Saul. I totally forgot that it is Monday. Fucking ahh. I hate Mondays with a passion. Anyway...Yeah I MIGHT...MIGHT be pregnant. It's really bad because I want to be so bad....I've wanted to have a baby since I was 13...and ahh..it's driving me fucking crazy. I really want to know. But, I don't want to know...because if I ain't I'ma be mad pissed, and depressed, and prolly want to slice my wrists open. Which in itself is terrible...but it's true...


Wow...I thought this entry would have been deleted when I signed off when CJ called and I got offline..but it didn't...yay.

Anywho, I miss him so much. He's so cute. He really wasn't drunk because he studdered. I really think it's sweet when he does, because he's so insecure about it. And obviously it doesn't bother me, it kinda makes me love him even more because he isn't one of those guys that thinks he's the shit. It shows he's real, and not being fake with me. And I love that.

Anyway..back to pressing matters. I want to have a baby!!! It's soooooooooooooooo bad. I hope I hope I hope. When me and CJ were talking about it..it made me so happy to think that it would be his baby...I can only imagine how beautiful his baby would be...ohhh god. I don't want him to read this...I'm not going to give him the link. No way. Anywayz I was saying...yeah...his baby...god...Then...oh jeeze, I'd have a little CJ...it just makes me giggle. Then when we were talking about living together...or getting married...it made me so happy. I DON'T KNOW. I'm prolly just buggin, but it all sounds so perfect...I want all of it so badly. I'd do anything for all of it...

But I suppose I'm just wishing way too hard.

Damn.

post comment

54 cuts.... [06 Feb 2004|12:04am]
[ mood | lethargic ]
[ music | 1000 words ]

Yeah...I'm not even sure how many there are...straight cuts...vertically, horizontally...whatever. And "CJ" is written once on each arm....: ) I am so proud. I guess tonight I really noticed I have a problem with cutting again...It's so weird. I know it's bad ya know...but I really don't care...god, another addiction to overcome for Brandi...what a friggin surprise. I love it ya know...it's such a rush...really...sounds all Eminem like and shit but it is totally cool. Hurts like a bitch tho...I won't lie...the blood coming out is awsum....out of this world.

Goddamn...I know Cj is going to read this...and it's really kinda fucking me up...because I want to write so much. But I don't want him to think that I am writing it just because he is watching. I just told him why I think he is confused. He hates me. I can feel it...I want to die now...because I am sure he took it the wrong way....oh godddd.

I just want to go away. I wish sometimes...that he never met me...and he met someone else...that could really make him happy. I feel so wrong. YA know...I have so much shit going on.......I haven't felt emotions for like 2 years...and now I am sober...and totally in love. And truthfully...it scares me. THAT IS WHY OK CJ? I am fucking SCARED....You are the one that is supposed to be scared about the relationship...but you see......IT'S ME....I AM FUCKING PETRIFIED. I know...that I could be with you.......( I want to say forever...but that's pushing it)..............for a really really long time...And...I'm just so scared...I don't want to fuck it up. Because I know..eventaully...you will give up on me...And I don't know what I would do then. I never had anyone have such faith in me like you do Cj....God, I'm talking to him...JOURNAL..THIS IS A JOURNAL...Anyway.....yeah...I just...I wanna make sure I can do this for the long run ya know...and...I felt...if we broke up now...while we are here..I can work on my shit.......and then........be ok.......and be able to treat him right...and make him happy...

Because that's all I want.

Idnarb and selrach...happy 2gether...that's really all I want...

I'll get it one day too..................................I can feel it.

post comment

yeah [02 Feb 2004|06:39pm]
[ mood | tired ]

SMILE EMPTY SOUL

I Want My Life


i try
to be the man i am
in times of broken lives
and shattered dreams and plans
standing up to fight
the pressures and demands
staring at the knife
and holding in your hand
what used to be your life

this world is crazy
my dreams are fading
i want my life

you fight
your fucked up holy wars
fire anti-christ
jesus will come down
and help us win tonight
now how should i feel
i think i feel alright
so tell me where to aim
i'm blinded by the light

this world is crazy
my dreams are fading
no one can save me

i want my life

and when i wake up you'll be here
and it will be the way it was

post comment

I AM CRYING. [29 Jan 2004|07:42pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | Singing "You are my sunshine" out loud. ]

You are My Sunshine, My only Sunshine
(Be prepared to get watery eyes!)


Like any good mother, when Karen found out that another baby was on the way, she did what she could to help her 3-year-old son, Michael, prepare for a new sibling. They found out that the new baby was going be a girl, and day after day, night after night, Michael sang to his sister in mommy's tummy. He was building a bond of love with his little sister before he even met her.

The pregnancy progressed normally for Karen. In time, the labor pains came. Soon it was every five minutes, every three, every minute. But serious complications arose during delivery and Karen found herself in hours of labor. Would a C-section be required? Finally, after a long struggle, Michael's little sister was born! But she was in very serious condition. With a siren howling in the night, the ambulance rushed the infant to the hospital intensive care unit at St. Mary's Hospital.

The days inched by. The little girl got worse. The pediatrician had to tell the parents there is very little hope. Be prepared for the worst. Karen and her husband contacted a local cemetery about a burial plot. They had fixed up a special room in their house for their new baby but now they found themselves having to plan for a funeral. Michael, however, kept begging his parents to let him see his sister. I want to sing to her, he kept saying.

Week two in intensive care looked as if a funeral would come before the week was over. Michael kept nagging about singing to his sister, but kids are never allowed in Intensive Care. Karen decided to take Michael whether they liked it or not! If he didn't see his sister right then, he may never see her alive.

She dressed him in an oversized scrub suit and marched him into ICU. He looked like a walking laundry basket. The head nurse recognized him as a child and bellowed, "Get that kid out of here now. No children are allowed."

The mother rose up strong in Karen, and the usually mild-mannered lady glared steely-eyed right into the head nurse's face, her lips a firm line. "He is not leaving until he sings to his sister" she stated. Then Karen towed Michael to his sister's bedside.

He gazed at the tiny infant losing the battle to live. After a moment, he began to sing. The pure-hearted voice of a 3-year-old, Michael sang: "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are gray." Instantly the baby girl seemed to respond. The pulse rate began to calm down and become steady!

"Keep on singing, Michael," encouraged Karen with tears in her eyes. "You never know, dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away."

As Michael sang to his sister, the baby's ragged, strained breathing became as smooth as a kitten's purr. "Keep on singing, sweetheart." Karen begged. "The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping, I dreamed I held you in my arms". Michael's little sister began to relax as rest, healing rest, seemed to sweep over her.

"Keep on singing, Michael." Tears had now conquered the face of the bossy head nurse. Karen glowed. "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine. Please don't take my sunshine away..."

The next, day...the very next day...the little girl was well enough to go home.

The medical staff just called it a miracle. Karen called it a miracle of God's love.

Source Unknown

post comment

LMAO! [28 Jan 2004|09:50pm]
[ mood | giddy ]
[ music | AFROMAN-BECAUSE I GOT HIGH ]

BorderX13: lol
BorderX13: no ur not and if u are, ur my skitzo and i love you
IWantTheLilGuy: lol awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww
IWantTheLilGuy: i love you too my bipolar emotional mess you.
BorderX13: lol
IWantTheLilGuy: lol : )
BorderX13: yeh thats def me
IWantTheLilGuy: hehehe i hate this...
IWantTheLilGuy: jeeze
IWantTheLilGuy: that was bipolar
IWantTheLilGuy: lol
IWantTheLilGuy: godddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd
IWantTheLilGuy: see how hyper i am
IWantTheLilGuy: fucking manic i am amamamamamam

post comment

Snow days suck cock. [28 Jan 2004|05:18pm]
[ mood | crushed ]
[ music | every rose has its thorn-poison ]

Yeah. Ok. So everything fucking just shut down because of the snow again. I hate it. I want it to go away forever. I wouldn't miss it one goddamn bit. I need to move somewhere nice and warm. Then I'd be happy. Plus..I'd have a great tan.

Now, for the things that were interesting today...

I tried to take naked pictures...lol...but the polariod didn't work. Fucking..blah man...the one time I was in the mood.

I filled out a shitload of those damn surveys again. I don't know..I really need to be in a rehab of some sorts for that. I'll do any survey, no matter how bad it is...and think it's awesome. lol I'm such a loser.

Masturbation has become my new best friend. Ha. Isn't that ironic..me...popping myself...that's so raw. lol why did I write that?

Whatever.

My day sucked.

post comment

navigation
[ viewing | most recent entries ]
[ go | earlier ]