| We're all blind. |
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| 07:12pm 19/10/2003 |
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I can feel the power pulsing through my veins. I can see the colors of my aura fluctuating; intensifying. And somehow, no one else knows. No one else can see the hateful love that I feel, or the strength I use to uphold the temple within.
How could I expect them to know my strength when my actions are weak? I sleep through the day, and shiver in the cold. I squeal, and I giggle. I smile at everyone. I'm the cute little girl they all want me to be. I've found it's easier to please. Much easier to please... |
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| Just a dream... |
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| 07:22pm 18/10/2003 |
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I am running through the jungle, at my side; Brandon. He was a friend once, but now he is my competitor. And yet, he is sympathedic to my plight. So we run together. The path is difficult; we are constantly dogding roots and branches...
We come to a clearing surrounded by trees and, on one side, an incline. Brandon hesitates, so I slide ahead on my stomach through the clearing, and up the incline. As I near the top, I put one foot beneath me with the intention of rising to see over the edge. But, wait... I feel a slight pain in my thumb. But, no matter I will continue to climb.....
"A hard decision to make." It's Brandon... But who is he talking to... ?
I look behind me to see a thin, green snake hanging from the branch above me, and realize that the pain I had felt in my thumb was from the his fang.
"You've been bitten." Brandon thinks I have not realized the truth.
"I know... I know."
Snake, the third competitor and a man I once considered my friend, has conquered me. I slide back down the incline to Brandon's side, where we begin to examin the bite. Beneath the skin on my thumb, white maggots can be seen, slithering between each other. I can feel the sliding beneath my skin... I can feel it spreading. I've lost the game, and I've lost my life.
But it was only a game, who wants to be a spoiled sport? I shrug off my loss, and return home with Brandon.
Standing in the door way of the house, I wait on Brandon to clean up. I am aware of Snake sitting in a large chair in the next room watching tv. For a breif instant I think, "I'm surprised he took the game so seriously..." But, I always knew he likes to win. I feel no anger towards him. He did what he had to do. To him, I am nothing but a competitor; I stand in the way of his victory.
I begin to get impatient. I want to see my lover before I die, and I know my hours a limited. Brandon... Please hurry.....
After a considerable wait, Brandon and I set out running to the place where my lover lives. I keep falling behind... Running has never been my strong point. I yell to Brandon to wait for me... And he slows. I begin to mumble some kind of an apology for my lack of fitness....
Then all goes black. This must be death. |
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| A Break |
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| 07:15pm 18/10/2003 |
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The screaming has ceased. Save the gentle humming of the boombox, all is still. The sun has fallen with the rise of the moon, and all is still. I am waiting for your call, and yet I am still. I gave out today... I've let my mind slip. So now, a vegitable, my mind is still. The pool within me has lost its ripple... |
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| The Raindrops |
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| 09:08pm 17/10/2003 |
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music: Pink Floyd, Mother
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Mingled notes of the raindrops outside, and Pink Floyd grace my ears tonight. Tonight; the night that the light of the world fluctuates, and goes dim with a dull buzzing. The shadows have been cast backwardly. But then, who notices? Not a soul.
The sky has opened up, letting loose stray drops of rain, which now steadily patter on the pavement. Each drop of rain is not enough to quench the thirst of even a Samana, and yet by the millions, that very drop has the potential to flood a city. With each drop that falls, we, the oppressors, are one drop closer to death. And yet, one assumes the drops will cease. At least, I assume as much. I know what the drops do not know. I know their potential, and I know their failure. I feel the empowerment that they believe they lack. And, yet, it has always been there... Hidden from view.
The Proles will soon rise up at the neck breaking speed of a tsunami, and flood the administration. And then where will we be? Caught amidst the chaos of an all-consuming flood of liberation... |
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| 09:06pm 17/10/2003 |
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Reading over my last posts, I realize now how ridiculous it sounds to impersonalize everything so fully. So, I'm just going to stop. If someone that knows me stumbles across this journal, then oh well. I don't think anyone will be searching, anyway. |
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| [Edit] |
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| 10:53am 22/07/2003 |
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I went in to edit this entry and realized that it was pointless....
So I deleted it. |
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| Nice Dream |
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| 08:51am 14/07/2003 |
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music: Like Spinning Plates
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I have come to the realization that I am dreaming... Living a dream. I have been told many times in the past that if one is able become conscious of the fact that he is dreaming, then he can control his dreams....
This has been a rather sluggish awakening, as I have not gotten the chance to speak to the person who determines whether I actually do awake, or simply begin to control the nightmarish happenings of my psych.
On one hand, the dream is sweet. Who would honestly wish to awake from a fulfilling dream?
But, on the other, I fear that this situation is too obviously a dream, and nothing more. I have created an all consuming monster: love for another. Perhaps this is too much for me... Perhaps I need to slow down. Finding such a blatant fault in the one I love may jar me in to reality. |
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| 09:24pm 21/06/2003 |
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music: I've been to lazy to replace "Hail to the Theif."
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I applied some logic. I know a few amazing men-- Men that if I thought I had a chance with, and if I thought my current situation were unsatisfactory, I could fall in love with. In a sense I am too "lazy" to do it. I'm not willing to go through the trouble of shattering my current happiness, and attempting to start a new. This doesn't mean I love him any less, or that I am any more likely to leave him. It just means I admire those around me.
Regardless of my explanation, I am still nervous. Very nervous. I'll admit it to no one... Especially not myself. |
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| To everyone in my nonexistant audience... |
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| 12:08am 20/06/2003 |
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music: Still Hail to the Theif
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Go rent the Clerks. It's a good movie. |
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| Laugh it up. |
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| 11:53pm 19/06/2003 |
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music: Radiohead; Hail to the Theif
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Today, a friend of mine (who is actually able to speak to my boyfriend) told me a bit of a conversation she had with him. I don't know the details... They are not important. But, it led to something along the lines of him saying to her, "I would love to have sex with you sometime. I really think I could love you. I'm just too lazy right now..."
I'm not a jealous person... At all. The mention of sex doesn't bother me at all. He's welcome to have sex with whomever he pleases... But the talk of love.... It makes me nervous. What he seems to be expressing is, again, his systematic method of dealing with... Everything. That is not to say that he loves me any less-- But that he simply allows himself to love me, and he will be able to suppress those feelings anytime he wishes.
Given our current situation which falls miserably short of agreeable, I worry that he will just give up. He tells me he wants to marry me. I have always believed every bit he tells me-- Leaving room for doubt of the future. I don't necessarily think we will marry-- But I've always believed that what he tells me is actually what he feels. Suddenly, I'm wondering.....
As usual, it's a situation I think best to wait out. Ha... As if I've got a choice. While it greatly disturbed me, I'm going to let the subject be for a while. Anyway, it is not as though I've got guys lined up waiting for me... At least not guys I'm interested in. I would have absolutely no problem getting another boyfriend... But one that I love is quite a trip. Anyway... When I begin to question whether my position is the one I want to be in is when I will bring up the subject.
I suppose I'm already questioning, or I'd not be alarmed...
I can always count on life to give be all that I need. Everything I need... |
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| 09:48pm 15/06/2003 |
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Yes, I missed the Ben Harper and Jack Johnson concert. Someone shoot me.
I spent the day loading logs and brush into a dump truck. It was not an easy task given that I have to stretch my arms upwards as far as they are able to touch the top edge of the side of the truck. So, basically I was throwing a quarter of my weight up and over the edge of the truck with each log. Anyway... I've got a very full dump truck sitting idly in my driveway just waiting...
I broke down again today... But that seems to have become as routine as shitting. So, I may as well sease to document such events. I like to be logical in what I do.
I'm horribly sick of working perpetually for all that I don't care about... Working for money... Working for college.....
Just forget it. I don't know where I am going. |
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| I must begin making more coherent entries... |
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| 06:51pm 08/06/2003 |
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music: Stravensky; The Firebird
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Last night around eight, I took to vomiting until midnight. What an exhilarating experience. Heh. At least my mom stopped her questioning about my recent depression, concluding that it must have been caused by my stomach ailment. Which, of course was not the case, but it is easier for me to let her believe it. So I missed out on a good blues show where I would have gotten to stand around with my friends smoking cigars. Except I don't smoke, so I suppose I would be standing around watching. But, I must admit, I do like the smell of a good cigar.
Yesterday I started Anna Karenina... But had to break from it around seven when the excruciating pain assailed my stomach, leaving me curled up on the floor. Anyway, I read today also, as I couldn't get out of bed until two or so. While it is a fairly good book, I think I much prefer Doestovsky to Tolstoy. But... Perhaps I have not read enough Russain literature in general.
So, now I am stuck finding ways to distract myself for the next nine months from the fact that I can't see my boyfriend until April. But, once April comes to pass, life will be bliss again. Doubly so, in fact. This is probably better for both of us, though. He had talk of buying a house, which means he needs more time to work, and for my part, I really must bring my grades up if I wish to make anything of myself. My mom is urging me to attempt going into the medical academy... Heh.
I can't blame her... She wants one child to be successful as far as intellectual jobs go, I suppose. I love my brother, and I could at no point accuse him of lacking in intelligence, but I feel that he may not finish out college. It seems, though that he is about at the threshold of wealth. I'm happy for him. As he put it, "It's all coming back so fast-- All my hard work."
The night he told me of his breaking the surface of the business world was the same night we got into a vicious talk about my boyfriend-- When my brother began threatening him. But, I can't be angry at my brother. Only at society, which has painted such a skewed picture of relationships such as mine. But, it looks as though things will be fine. I've just got to be careful. |
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| 09:27am 07/06/2003 |
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music: Pink Floyd; The Wall
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He's spreading my anquished cries like butter...
Entirely unaware. |
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| The Bomb |
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| 11:22am 06/06/2003 |
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music: Pink Floyd; Wish You Were Here
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Everything blew up in my face last night... Or perhaps it was this morning.
My family is after my lover... To arrest or beat him. Either ending is unsatisfactory.....
I can't understand why loving him is so wrong, and why it is impossible that he love me for anything more than sex.
Perhaps I will just waste away in anticipation... I've ten months to ponder this mess before I can do a damned thing about it.
Run or fight. They always run or fight. |
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| Limbo |
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| 06:46pm 03/06/2003 |
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Perhaps he will never know his own beauty. Few of us do, in fact. But, to look into a face as perfect as his, then to gaze into his eyes-- Only to find the glaring flaw of self-denial.
But, is it a flaw? Is egoism the state in which you see your own beauty, or is it some horribly skewed form of pride?
We're all seeing with warped lenses... All with astigmatism. And, I must tell you that glasses don't do a thing to help it. If anything they worsen it.
I thought about killing myself today... But something as simple as a few words from an unknowing stranger stopped me...
It's odd how such things can change your mind on life altering decisions. But then, it's no matter. I wouldn't have actually killed myself. I was simply thinking about it. I've too much to live for. |
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| Within which moment do we dwell? |
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| 06:29pm 02/06/2003 |
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There is a gaping hole just over the horizon... Where the sun once was. We've set sail-- never to beach again. I can't find my lover in the dark, nor hear his soft sighs. I think he's dead.
The birds are screaming....
And ... That light is blinding....
That light filtering between the leaves.
The trees are whispering to me... Calling to me... But as the wind picks up, they return to groaning in self pity, and I am forgotten.
Life is long-- Yet much too short to waste each moment in anticipation of the next...
We'll simply keep moving... |
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| 09:42pm 24/05/2003 |
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Today has been a horribly unproductive day. I had intended to study for my finals... But intentions do not dictate the path of the future. I love to dream. I love to plan. This life I have mapped out is a wonderous one. If only you knew of the quality... the adventure... the love.
If intentions were the future, we could all live the life we meant to live-- Rendering satisfaction a common trait.
But, it's really no worry. The fact that we do live is enough. We may do nothing as time devours each beat of our hearts... But, the fact still stands that our hearts do beat.
I thought I had put in all I had.. But looking back on each moment, I have come to realize that I will never have the chance to truly contribute all that I am able. I will never do the best I can. Consequently, I will never be good enough.
For this failure, I am loved still. What a moron-- an intelligent one at that. |
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| 12:02am 24/05/2003 |
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mood: annoyed music: Radiohead; How to Disappear Completely
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Wow. The first post. This is amazing footage-- Laure making her way into a black hole of cyber geeks and teens who think they've something to say.
Just to clear a few things up.... I realize I look... hurt in the picture. It was the only one I could dig up, and it from... maybe a year and a half ago. I don't know. I was just perplexed, or something. I don't always look that pissed off... I apologize. [EDIT: I took the picture down; it was unsatisfactory, and anyway, someone might recognize me... As though my daily accounts are not telling enough.]
And.. Uh... Under my interests I mentioned religion. I'm not horribly religious... At all. In fact, I am... undefined. Or something. At any rate, I just enjoy learning about various religions. So, if you're religious, and want to tell me about your culture, I'd love to hear it. I like to think myself open-minded.
Yes... A momentous event. Maybe next time I'll write something a bit more meaningful... But, regardless, unimportant. |
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