: a small parade of tears
i carry around with me a lot of silly fears. no, they aren't silly to me, just to the people who can see right through them. i never purported to be the strongest person or to be the one who highdives off the tallest diving board just because it's there. i'm just me, and sometimes i get tired of being teased or made fun of for who i am.
i'm scared of cops. yes, i'm scared of the complete package. i'm scared of the uniform, the terribly short hair, the hats, the cars, the lights, and the attitude that comes with the wanton misuse of power. this definitely doesn't mean that all policemen are exactly like that, nor does mean that i've met some like that. in fact, most of the cops i've met are fairly nice, decent people who have dedicated their lives (i'm not to judge on foolishly) to helping people by arresting them or sometimes just giving them a stern talking too. so i guess it's supposed to mean that it's an irrational fear, but i beg to differ. who else is out there monitoring your activities, your stupidity and your lies, on a regular basis. clearly it's not the physical presence, but it's the social obligations that come with having a police force readily available to detain you for anything that doesn't go along with a set order. i have no idea if it's because i dated people who were legal when i wasn't, a constant reminder of how they could go to jail just for being with me and more subtly, how socially inept i was amongst my peers. i have also been told in my past that i am a member of society that doesn't fit. someone crazy, maladjusted, and a throwback to bad genetics that couldn't ever get along with normal people. i have no idea if any of that could cause the problem, but i'm scared of cops.
i'm scared of being pregnant. i'm scared of having this little person that's growing inside me. i'm scared of the responsibility of having someone that's half you, that will grow, and in doing so, be adversely affected by anything you say or do. i'm scared that it would turn out fucked up, just like me. i mean, of course it would, because i would be one raising it or handing it off to an orphanage or for uncertain adoption. and i can't say for sure that if i became pregnant, that i would get the abortion- the choice i rally for. whether a child can skip a life for a better one next go around, or maybe that there isn't a next time. that i would be choosing a final death for someone who should've chosen it themselves. it would be a stupid thing to do at this point in my life anyway. i have no history of longterm relationships, and although i would know who the other half was, it doesn't mean that they would be there. and if i ever have children, i'd want there to be another half; it means the possibility of balancing out my neuroses. i have no way to care for a child. i have no love, no money, and no selflessness that could possibly be put to good use. i have no support system that could possibly handle that. it would just be me and this child, who completely deserves better, just as i might've early enough in life. i won't ever believe that it's wrong to think ahead about this sort of problem. at the same time, it's ironic that i choose to have sex, albeit with protection, then choose to have this paranoia every time afterward until my period begins. each time i feel that it won't start, which sends me into this depression. the thought that i could seriously ruin someone's life and that i would be completely responsible for it. i'm scared of being pregnant, so sue me.
other than all that, i'm scared of being alone. i already feel that way much of the time, so it can only be true to me that i have cause to worry. i don't think i push people away anymore or i desperately try not to because i long for companionship in any sense. i like people, friends, lovers and i selfishly want them all, first to arrive, and then to stay. they rarely arrive, and when they do, they certainly don't stay. i want someone i can talk to, someone i can cry to, someone who will be there with me as i have stupid days, or horrible ones; sometimes i have good days and i want whoever to know about those as well. i want someone i can trust. i want someone to love me, and be able to say it outloud where i can hear them, not pretending like it's said all the time, but that i'm just not paying attention. or that they're incapable of the word, but i should already know psychically what they're feeling. i want someone to be excited when they see me, or even to hang out with me without me preempting the idea. i'm tired of playing these dumb games. i'm tired of always being the one to call. i'm tired of being the one expected to maintain the friendship when it clearly doesn't matter to anyone else. i'm tire of being alone, but i'm scared i'm always going to be that way. nothing can cheer me up from it.
i carry around with me a lot of silly fears. no, they aren't silly to me, just to the people who can see right through them. i never purported to be the strongest person or to be the one who highdives off the tallest diving board just because it's there. i'm just me, and sometimes i get tired of being teased or made fun of for who i am.
i'm scared of cops. yes, i'm scared of the complete package. i'm scared of the uniform, the terribly short hair, the hats, the cars, the lights, and the attitude that comes with the wanton misuse of power. this definitely doesn't mean that all policemen are exactly like that, nor does mean that i've met some like that. in fact, most of the cops i've met are fairly nice, decent people who have dedicated their lives (i'm not to judge on foolishly) to helping people by arresting them or sometimes just giving them a stern talking too. so i guess it's supposed to mean that it's an irrational fear, but i beg to differ. who else is out there monitoring your activities, your stupidity and your lies, on a regular basis. clearly it's not the physical presence, but it's the social obligations that come with having a police force readily available to detain you for anything that doesn't go along with a set order. i have no idea if it's because i dated people who were legal when i wasn't, a constant reminder of how they could go to jail just for being with me and more subtly, how socially inept i was amongst my peers. i have also been told in my past that i am a member of society that doesn't fit. someone crazy, maladjusted, and a throwback to bad genetics that couldn't ever get along with normal people. i have no idea if any of that could cause the problem, but i'm scared of cops.
i'm scared of being pregnant. i'm scared of having this little person that's growing inside me. i'm scared of the responsibility of having someone that's half you, that will grow, and in doing so, be adversely affected by anything you say or do. i'm scared that it would turn out fucked up, just like me. i mean, of course it would, because i would be one raising it or handing it off to an orphanage or for uncertain adoption. and i can't say for sure that if i became pregnant, that i would get the abortion- the choice i rally for. whether a child can skip a life for a better one next go around, or maybe that there isn't a next time. that i would be choosing a final death for someone who should've chosen it themselves. it would be a stupid thing to do at this point in my life anyway. i have no history of longterm relationships, and although i would know who the other half was, it doesn't mean that they would be there. and if i ever have children, i'd want there to be another half; it means the possibility of balancing out my neuroses. i have no way to care for a child. i have no love, no money, and no selflessness that could possibly be put to good use. i have no support system that could possibly handle that. it would just be me and this child, who completely deserves better, just as i might've early enough in life. i won't ever believe that it's wrong to think ahead about this sort of problem. at the same time, it's ironic that i choose to have sex, albeit with protection, then choose to have this paranoia every time afterward until my period begins. each time i feel that it won't start, which sends me into this depression. the thought that i could seriously ruin someone's life and that i would be completely responsible for it. i'm scared of being pregnant, so sue me.
other than all that, i'm scared of being alone. i already feel that way much of the time, so it can only be true to me that i have cause to worry. i don't think i push people away anymore or i desperately try not to because i long for companionship in any sense. i like people, friends, lovers and i selfishly want them all, first to arrive, and then to stay. they rarely arrive, and when they do, they certainly don't stay. i want someone i can talk to, someone i can cry to, someone who will be there with me as i have stupid days, or horrible ones; sometimes i have good days and i want whoever to know about those as well. i want someone i can trust. i want someone to love me, and be able to say it outloud where i can hear them, not pretending like it's said all the time, but that i'm just not paying attention. or that they're incapable of the word, but i should already know psychically what they're feeling. i want someone to be excited when they see me, or even to hang out with me without me preempting the idea. i'm tired of playing these dumb games. i'm tired of always being the one to call. i'm tired of being the one expected to maintain the friendship when it clearly doesn't matter to anyone else. i'm tire of being alone, but i'm scared i'm always going to be that way. nothing can cheer me up from it.