: my july 4th
i want everyone to know that i started out writing this journal on real paper with a real pen. it's a very soothing activity, anxiety slowly diffusing in between the lines, creating order out of chaos. it's a great feeling.
i hate that when it rains it pours. at the beginning of the summer, jackshit happened. i got up, went to work, came home, ate, then slept and of the course the deliberate wasting of time on AIM. now i'm doing shit all the time and i'm definitely not complaining, but i hate prioritizing activities and people. that usually means that someone gets left out because i'm not very good at it. normally, it doesn't matter because there's all the time in the world to reschedule and make up for lost time, but this time there's a little bit of an issue. normally i know there's an understanding that being shortchanged is not a personal slight. but NOW with charlie, in particular, all self confidence in that theory vanishes. i have no clue what's going on. he wants to see me, but is it hook up time? he likes and cares for me, but what does that mean in his world? i want a relationship, but know that it won't work. i know that it's all about him and will be for a while, so how much will i emotionally screw myself by participating in a hookup situation only. i can't fool myself into it being something less superficial unless i know. most importantly, why am i analyzing this so much? it's constant debate in my head as to what is going on. and the closer to july 24th i get, the more i panic because he's going to georgia and won't be back until after i've left for college.
that whole tangent actually kind of leads me back to my original reason for this entry. this weekend was July 4th. so i should spend it with people i care about, which generally doesn't include my parents. so i made plans to hang out with my friend Okey. On July 3rd, we were supposed to go out to dinner or dessert or a movie, but it didn't happen. In addition to that, I had talked him into helping me move some of my mom's furniture to her new house. some of that shit was fucking heavy- needed a strong manly man to help move it type deal.
well, okey arrived an hour and a half late for various reasons: dryer emergencies, homecooked meals, and "Okey" time. he literally showed up as mom and i were walking out the door. (boo to my mother for inviting herself along. i hate driving with her in the car because she curls her fat self up into the passenger seat, squeezes her eyes shut, and bitches. she bitches about how fast i drive and how unsafe it is, how i can't park, and i can't follow directions carefully. in short it pisses me off and i fantasize about running the passenger side of the car into a tree in hopes of maiming her mouth). i could've killed Okey for eing the last sttraw in a really bad day. I was channeling Cypress Hill like mad and I seriously kicked him when he walked through the door.
July 4th started out so fucked up. First, I was working and NO, moe people did not flock to the store just because it was a holiday and they were paying me time and a half. then i go home on my lunch break, and charlie starts hinting at how i should visit him a la last week. i was feeling pressured to go, because everything in my body was screaming for it, but circumstances prevailed. i drove my van to mom's house and it died. it managed to run out of oil in a month. and mom wouldn't let me go get some, she wanted me to spend the night for whatever reason. so i was pissed because that meant that we would be driving to woodstock granny style, not to mention that we had to move all of the furniture from my car to hers. we won't take the time to go into my fear of lack of independance in this entry.
it kinda went uphill once we started out on the road to woodsock and it stopped pouring. i rode part of the way with okey, after having to listen to my mother exclamate on how much she loved okey, and how much i was obviously in love with okey, not to mention how she could hear the patter of little mixed race children. i'd rather listen to okey's horrible music selection.
why can't girls and guys just be friends? this is seriously becoming a problem, or maybe it always has been, but i wasn't so irritated at how everyone was sooo completely wrong about my feelings. okey and i have been friends since 7th grade, and that's never going to change. at all.
mmm... while we were in woodstock, we decided to get dinner and went to one of the yokel local fake italian restaurants. basically they had a little rascist fit at the sight of Okey and wouldn't seat us. it was the sweet sachharine voice disguised as concern for the timely delivery of our orders should we sit. she said they only had two waitresses and were extremely behind on orders. it was just too darn bad that plenty of tables were open, and everyone who had been served was in the middle of eatting. i was disgusted. we went to arby's instead, where someone asked me if i was pregnant.
i think the best part of the trip was driving hom eon the highway and being able to watch each town's fireworks, but not actually having to deal with any of the noise. it was the best display i've ever seen. it made for a nice ending.
i want everyone to know that i started out writing this journal on real paper with a real pen. it's a very soothing activity, anxiety slowly diffusing in between the lines, creating order out of chaos. it's a great feeling.
i hate that when it rains it pours. at the beginning of the summer, jackshit happened. i got up, went to work, came home, ate, then slept and of the course the deliberate wasting of time on AIM. now i'm doing shit all the time and i'm definitely not complaining, but i hate prioritizing activities and people. that usually means that someone gets left out because i'm not very good at it. normally, it doesn't matter because there's all the time in the world to reschedule and make up for lost time, but this time there's a little bit of an issue. normally i know there's an understanding that being shortchanged is not a personal slight. but NOW with charlie, in particular, all self confidence in that theory vanishes. i have no clue what's going on. he wants to see me, but is it hook up time? he likes and cares for me, but what does that mean in his world? i want a relationship, but know that it won't work. i know that it's all about him and will be for a while, so how much will i emotionally screw myself by participating in a hookup situation only. i can't fool myself into it being something less superficial unless i know. most importantly, why am i analyzing this so much? it's constant debate in my head as to what is going on. and the closer to july 24th i get, the more i panic because he's going to georgia and won't be back until after i've left for college.
that whole tangent actually kind of leads me back to my original reason for this entry. this weekend was July 4th. so i should spend it with people i care about, which generally doesn't include my parents. so i made plans to hang out with my friend Okey. On July 3rd, we were supposed to go out to dinner or dessert or a movie, but it didn't happen. In addition to that, I had talked him into helping me move some of my mom's furniture to her new house. some of that shit was fucking heavy- needed a strong manly man to help move it type deal.
well, okey arrived an hour and a half late for various reasons: dryer emergencies, homecooked meals, and "Okey" time. he literally showed up as mom and i were walking out the door. (boo to my mother for inviting herself along. i hate driving with her in the car because she curls her fat self up into the passenger seat, squeezes her eyes shut, and bitches. she bitches about how fast i drive and how unsafe it is, how i can't park, and i can't follow directions carefully. in short it pisses me off and i fantasize about running the passenger side of the car into a tree in hopes of maiming her mouth). i could've killed Okey for eing the last sttraw in a really bad day. I was channeling Cypress Hill like mad and I seriously kicked him when he walked through the door.
July 4th started out so fucked up. First, I was working and NO, moe people did not flock to the store just because it was a holiday and they were paying me time and a half. then i go home on my lunch break, and charlie starts hinting at how i should visit him a la last week. i was feeling pressured to go, because everything in my body was screaming for it, but circumstances prevailed. i drove my van to mom's house and it died. it managed to run out of oil in a month. and mom wouldn't let me go get some, she wanted me to spend the night for whatever reason. so i was pissed because that meant that we would be driving to woodstock granny style, not to mention that we had to move all of the furniture from my car to hers. we won't take the time to go into my fear of lack of independance in this entry.
it kinda went uphill once we started out on the road to woodsock and it stopped pouring. i rode part of the way with okey, after having to listen to my mother exclamate on how much she loved okey, and how much i was obviously in love with okey, not to mention how she could hear the patter of little mixed race children. i'd rather listen to okey's horrible music selection.
why can't girls and guys just be friends? this is seriously becoming a problem, or maybe it always has been, but i wasn't so irritated at how everyone was sooo completely wrong about my feelings. okey and i have been friends since 7th grade, and that's never going to change. at all.
mmm... while we were in woodstock, we decided to get dinner and went to one of the yokel local fake italian restaurants. basically they had a little rascist fit at the sight of Okey and wouldn't seat us. it was the sweet sachharine voice disguised as concern for the timely delivery of our orders should we sit. she said they only had two waitresses and were extremely behind on orders. it was just too darn bad that plenty of tables were open, and everyone who had been served was in the middle of eatting. i was disgusted. we went to arby's instead, where someone asked me if i was pregnant.
i think the best part of the trip was driving hom eon the highway and being able to watch each town's fireworks, but not actually having to deal with any of the noise. it was the best display i've ever seen. it made for a nice ending.