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apparently no one realized just how important this weekend was supposed to mean to me. which means that i'm doing it again, making the charlie the everything that's supposed to change my life. i wanted this mini vacation so i could be with him, touch him, and all those other things you're supposed to do with someone you love. i can't, me the writer, describe precisely how i feel in this particular case: i imagine the closest thing to it comes out like imagine the most perfect thing in the world glowing in a soft yellow light and you (the unworthy) deemed worthy enough to touch it just this once. how addictive. how psycho of me.
i feel as though i shouldn't be allowed any of this a second time. i screwed up pretty bad the first time didn't i? what makes anyone think that i won't again. i mean it's already happening all over again, just ask him. that's what he said tonight. here i thought i was getting better because i can make my head remember all the time that he likes me and that he says he loves me. i got that straight in my head, but apparently that's not enough. i don't know how to change anything else because no one will tell me in specific words that i understand, what i'm doing wrong. and if i'm not doing anything wrong then why are there so many complaints stating differently. i wanted this relationship to work, but it's not going to and i'm so scared of the end because it's going to hurt twice as much next time and be twice as much my fault- it makes me sick just to think about it and i can't eat and it's bad. i'm so frustrated because i've let myself down after building this weekend up so high. and i'm now 20mins away instead of 5hrs and that only exacerbates the situation. i should've stayed at Radford so could be miserable in my dorm room where at least I know how to work the DVD player.
i want to give up, but i'm not going to. i just wish frustration didn't automatically lead to depression and anger. my father says that i'm too much of a sunshine personality to be kept down for long. i think he's wrong- i'm just partly cloud all the time and there's always a chance of thunderstorms.
just for a change of subject, Rick said hi to me AND used my name today. which is so strange because we haven't talked since that night and i don't think that could be construed as talking- hi. bye. nicetomeetcha. it would be almost hilarious if now he decides to be interested in the "female version of him." ha. ha. i told him i would talk to him later because i was so anxious to get out of these just because my mind had completely blinded me to the fact that i wasn't going to see charlie.
i hope maybe summer will start to untangle it, but he's not supposed to here at all. so that was a dead end.i was watching Cold Case on TV (the only electrical appliance i can get to work) and the guy detective on there said something extremely interesting- the main character was talking about how horrible her mother is and he replied saying that didn't she have any happy memories, enough to create any love at all? and the lady got super quiet and at the end of the show they showed her and her mom making snow angels and i think the lady cried at the end.
food for thought...
i feel as though i shouldn't be allowed any of this a second time. i screwed up pretty bad the first time didn't i? what makes anyone think that i won't again. i mean it's already happening all over again, just ask him. that's what he said tonight. here i thought i was getting better because i can make my head remember all the time that he likes me and that he says he loves me. i got that straight in my head, but apparently that's not enough. i don't know how to change anything else because no one will tell me in specific words that i understand, what i'm doing wrong. and if i'm not doing anything wrong then why are there so many complaints stating differently. i wanted this relationship to work, but it's not going to and i'm so scared of the end because it's going to hurt twice as much next time and be twice as much my fault- it makes me sick just to think about it and i can't eat and it's bad. i'm so frustrated because i've let myself down after building this weekend up so high. and i'm now 20mins away instead of 5hrs and that only exacerbates the situation. i should've stayed at Radford so could be miserable in my dorm room where at least I know how to work the DVD player.
i want to give up, but i'm not going to. i just wish frustration didn't automatically lead to depression and anger. my father says that i'm too much of a sunshine personality to be kept down for long. i think he's wrong- i'm just partly cloud all the time and there's always a chance of thunderstorms.
just for a change of subject, Rick said hi to me AND used my name today. which is so strange because we haven't talked since that night and i don't think that could be construed as talking- hi. bye. nicetomeetcha. it would be almost hilarious if now he decides to be interested in the "female version of him." ha. ha. i told him i would talk to him later because i was so anxious to get out of these just because my mind had completely blinded me to the fact that i wasn't going to see charlie.
i hope maybe summer will start to untangle it, but he's not supposed to here at all. so that was a dead end.i was watching Cold Case on TV (the only electrical appliance i can get to work) and the guy detective on there said something extremely interesting- the main character was talking about how horrible her mother is and he replied saying that didn't she have any happy memories, enough to create any love at all? and the lady got super quiet and at the end of the show they showed her and her mom making snow angels and i think the lady cried at the end.
food for thought...