: pure and total speculation
i was walking back from eating breakfast with beth this morning and noticed that all the beaten paths on the medians lead directly to the 711, the local purveyor of cheap alcohol.
Sometimes i fake like i have this addiction to ALL things self destructive (not just cutting) for attention, maybe? I'm not sure. Maybe I don't fake it at all and I just choose not to believe that it's true because that would lead me to a depressing spiral of thinking. Why think of it like fate?
Anyway, despite being an underage nonfrequent drinker, it was odd how i felt the pull to follow the lines to 711. It was cool how not following the beaten path made Xs in the overall pattern of things furthering my feelings of acheivement in whatever regard they were meant for. it was all very mysterious to me and extremely fleeting- it probably lasted a total of 45 seconds.
so what's the pull? and where does it come from? and is it really even for alcohol (although i can't imagine any other reason because everything else at 711 is completely unhealthy and extremely expensive)? i can most definitely imagine a societal pull or maybe a nerve center pull for pleasure and addiction...i don't know.
counseling has definitely limited my ability to think beyond my means because counseling seems to be the search for truth and it's been proven (several times) that my truth is skewed and i cannot believe it. therefore speculation on my part seems unneccessary because what does it matter knowing that it's not true anyway? it feels like a road has been closed off from me, like the part of my brain is dead. unfortunately it's the part that people love the most or are intrigued by the most, the part that makes me interesting to the general population. what's going to happen to me now? i now know for a fact that my constant analysis of everything is just plain abstraction and has absolutely no meaning.
i think this is where it's said, "i am at a crossroads in my life."
can you still love me? knowing that i am a shadow of myself?
i was walking back from eating breakfast with beth this morning and noticed that all the beaten paths on the medians lead directly to the 711, the local purveyor of cheap alcohol.
Sometimes i fake like i have this addiction to ALL things self destructive (not just cutting) for attention, maybe? I'm not sure. Maybe I don't fake it at all and I just choose not to believe that it's true because that would lead me to a depressing spiral of thinking. Why think of it like fate?
Anyway, despite being an underage nonfrequent drinker, it was odd how i felt the pull to follow the lines to 711. It was cool how not following the beaten path made Xs in the overall pattern of things furthering my feelings of acheivement in whatever regard they were meant for. it was all very mysterious to me and extremely fleeting- it probably lasted a total of 45 seconds.
so what's the pull? and where does it come from? and is it really even for alcohol (although i can't imagine any other reason because everything else at 711 is completely unhealthy and extremely expensive)? i can most definitely imagine a societal pull or maybe a nerve center pull for pleasure and addiction...i don't know.
counseling has definitely limited my ability to think beyond my means because counseling seems to be the search for truth and it's been proven (several times) that my truth is skewed and i cannot believe it. therefore speculation on my part seems unneccessary because what does it matter knowing that it's not true anyway? it feels like a road has been closed off from me, like the part of my brain is dead. unfortunately it's the part that people love the most or are intrigued by the most, the part that makes me interesting to the general population. what's going to happen to me now? i now know for a fact that my constant analysis of everything is just plain abstraction and has absolutely no meaning.
i think this is where it's said, "i am at a crossroads in my life."
can you still love me? knowing that i am a shadow of myself?