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this week has been so odd. strange and odd. i feel more righteous than usual, and don't ask me why.
i think it was the feeling of taking my lab practical on tuesday and being able to fill in 74/79 answers while that stupid guy only filled in 20. i think it was my friend jess withdrawing from college on tuesday- giving up with only one year to go because she felt it wasn't right for her. i think it might also be my breakdown on Sunday where I admitted something to me and Sarah, that even now i don't really believe that i am.
i said that my head was filled. i said that i was constantly thinking of death and how best to achieve it and that i could picture myself going up to the penthouse and just walking off the roof and i wouldn't stop myself. and how that might never change. or how feeling the edge of a scissor blade and knowing how easily it would cut my skin and make it feel better, if only for a moment. at any moment, when you see me in a daze, i just might be thinking what pattern looks best on my skin, scabbed over. i've been told that i should be proud that i only think about it and keep it from being reality and to even feel miraculous at how much effort i put into just staying alive and not giving up.
you think i'm being crazy now, but i'm actually quite lucid. i just got back from seeing gothika, which is a really good movie. and i saw it with friends who screamed at any part that seemed scary.
and maybe life isn't perfect, but at least i'm trying. and as i see those around me who have given up (either now or a long time ago) i can only cry for them.
i'm going home next thursday for spring break. i should hang out with erin, and then kat, and most definitely my brother. i'm going to talk to my mother and let her know that she kicked me out, because she seems to have forgotten. and we're going to discuss how calling me a whore is ridiculous and hateful and hurtful. and i'm going to give alex his stuff back, and let him know how i feel. then i might enjoy the rest of my life. lastly, on my schedule is packing up my stuff.
excitement is knowing that my dad's apt building has a gym in the bottom. :-) cheers to me working out everyday.
i think it was the feeling of taking my lab practical on tuesday and being able to fill in 74/79 answers while that stupid guy only filled in 20. i think it was my friend jess withdrawing from college on tuesday- giving up with only one year to go because she felt it wasn't right for her. i think it might also be my breakdown on Sunday where I admitted something to me and Sarah, that even now i don't really believe that i am.
i said that my head was filled. i said that i was constantly thinking of death and how best to achieve it and that i could picture myself going up to the penthouse and just walking off the roof and i wouldn't stop myself. and how that might never change. or how feeling the edge of a scissor blade and knowing how easily it would cut my skin and make it feel better, if only for a moment. at any moment, when you see me in a daze, i just might be thinking what pattern looks best on my skin, scabbed over. i've been told that i should be proud that i only think about it and keep it from being reality and to even feel miraculous at how much effort i put into just staying alive and not giving up.
you think i'm being crazy now, but i'm actually quite lucid. i just got back from seeing gothika, which is a really good movie. and i saw it with friends who screamed at any part that seemed scary.
and maybe life isn't perfect, but at least i'm trying. and as i see those around me who have given up (either now or a long time ago) i can only cry for them.
i'm going home next thursday for spring break. i should hang out with erin, and then kat, and most definitely my brother. i'm going to talk to my mother and let her know that she kicked me out, because she seems to have forgotten. and we're going to discuss how calling me a whore is ridiculous and hateful and hurtful. and i'm going to give alex his stuff back, and let him know how i feel. then i might enjoy the rest of my life. lastly, on my schedule is packing up my stuff.
excitement is knowing that my dad's apt building has a gym in the bottom. :-) cheers to me working out everyday.