: when it rains, it pours..
so my mother called me yesterday and we talked for almost an hour. unsurprisingly, she acted like nothing was wrong and even like insinuated that i was going to be coming home over springbreak. is she insane? don't answer that.
she just has amnesia that selectively kicks in when she fucks up bad. that girl needs to get tested quick before she screws up anyone else's life.
yesterday (before all that) i kinda went crazy. well really only a part of me. i've been waiting for it for a while with all the perceived insults against me (it's a wonder they haven't put me away yet). like my roommate wanting to leave, and jess announcing that she'd rather not be here. i want to know why i make everyone's problems about me..
although jess says it's justified because i'm tired of being left (figuratively, literally, and emotionally i guess) but that doesn't make sense to me because i should be able to stand on my own two feet. i shouldn't need other people, even if i am a social creature. i'm talking about dependancy and making everything a relationship....not just needing to hang out with people. duh..
anyway, so i came home from classes thursday (incidently a good day academically) and snapped, bitched at sarah, grabbed my car and went to this park at the end of grove st. a rash act because the park turned out to be a mud hole and i ruined my shoes. no joke.
but in the end it might've been worth it because i found my place. honestly. i have no idea how i'm going to run to it when it's dark outside, but i guess i'll figure out a way. or maybe i'll have a substitute place for like after 7pm or something. at any rate, i was quite comfortable there despite the fact that my c.d. player kept screwing up and of course the two inches of mud on my shoes. i could've stayed there forever, but was motivated to move so as not to fall into mud in the dark.
after that i hopped back in my car and explored radford for a while, going down south 11. i ended up on 81 south and just accelerated. if i hadn't run out of gas near exit 89, i would've kept on going. i had to force myself to stop. it was so surreal how i was only thinking with a small part of my brain near the back of my head. a very tiny defiant voice, i must say. i don't know where it thought we were going to go. or how we were going to pay when we got there. i came back and of course had to face my roommate which is almost terror in itself. she's not a terror- the inevitable part where she expects me to be able to explain myself is scary.
i could never explain myself to her satisfaction.
in the end, i think i broke something in my van. there's a really bad burning smell sometimes that wafts through the windows. it would only be fair, i was doing ninety for most of the way until the burning smell started. i'll just have to be careful driving home in a couple of weeks.
i went to counseling today, but didn't really cover anything new. my mother unexpectantly cropping up killed that. as well as my plan to get back at alex. she was really concerned that it was just a cop out to get him back and it was funny because i hadn't thought of it like that. now i wonder...
so my mother called me yesterday and we talked for almost an hour. unsurprisingly, she acted like nothing was wrong and even like insinuated that i was going to be coming home over springbreak. is she insane? don't answer that.
she just has amnesia that selectively kicks in when she fucks up bad. that girl needs to get tested quick before she screws up anyone else's life.
yesterday (before all that) i kinda went crazy. well really only a part of me. i've been waiting for it for a while with all the perceived insults against me (it's a wonder they haven't put me away yet). like my roommate wanting to leave, and jess announcing that she'd rather not be here. i want to know why i make everyone's problems about me..
although jess says it's justified because i'm tired of being left (figuratively, literally, and emotionally i guess) but that doesn't make sense to me because i should be able to stand on my own two feet. i shouldn't need other people, even if i am a social creature. i'm talking about dependancy and making everything a relationship....not just needing to hang out with people. duh..
anyway, so i came home from classes thursday (incidently a good day academically) and snapped, bitched at sarah, grabbed my car and went to this park at the end of grove st. a rash act because the park turned out to be a mud hole and i ruined my shoes. no joke.
but in the end it might've been worth it because i found my place. honestly. i have no idea how i'm going to run to it when it's dark outside, but i guess i'll figure out a way. or maybe i'll have a substitute place for like after 7pm or something. at any rate, i was quite comfortable there despite the fact that my c.d. player kept screwing up and of course the two inches of mud on my shoes. i could've stayed there forever, but was motivated to move so as not to fall into mud in the dark.
after that i hopped back in my car and explored radford for a while, going down south 11. i ended up on 81 south and just accelerated. if i hadn't run out of gas near exit 89, i would've kept on going. i had to force myself to stop. it was so surreal how i was only thinking with a small part of my brain near the back of my head. a very tiny defiant voice, i must say. i don't know where it thought we were going to go. or how we were going to pay when we got there. i came back and of course had to face my roommate which is almost terror in itself. she's not a terror- the inevitable part where she expects me to be able to explain myself is scary.
i could never explain myself to her satisfaction.
in the end, i think i broke something in my van. there's a really bad burning smell sometimes that wafts through the windows. it would only be fair, i was doing ninety for most of the way until the burning smell started. i'll just have to be careful driving home in a couple of weeks.
i went to counseling today, but didn't really cover anything new. my mother unexpectantly cropping up killed that. as well as my plan to get back at alex. she was really concerned that it was just a cop out to get him back and it was funny because i hadn't thought of it like that. now i wonder...