:
adeddendum to the last journal entry-
i wish i could be more confident in the events that are going on around me. like honestly, i used to be good at having hunches as to whether people were at least lying to me or what not. none of the bullshit anymore. somehow i’ve been reduced to basing my opinions of their opinions on some twisted version of reality that i made up inside my head. can you see my confusion when i have to make some sort of a decision? who do i listen too? who do you trust when you can’t trust yourself?
this particular point comes to a head when considering the current situation with alex (yes HIM again). we had that huge long talk. and then the next day i saw him at work and he was like “hey beautiful” and scared the shit out of me. but that’s about the end of it. now we’re back to not really talking. i realize some of that has to do with the holiday and his other personal issues (divorce court and taxes) but at least make the effort. we’re supposed to go out saturday, but i’m about to back out because i don’t want to hang out with someone who doesn’t even want to talk to me. (but do we know if even that idea has merit? no) another part is i’m not sure what my new role is and how to act it. i don’t know my boundaries (even though i’m the one making them like normal) and i don’t want to cross them out of respect for her. even more disturbing is the constant thought that i’m being replaced (i’m used to having him solely to myself...like i’m the main attraction in his life) and it’s not even in a romantic sense. i’m so confused. talking to him only confuses me more.
moving on to the journal:
anyway, i went to see the fireworks on new year’s eve with my mom, ian, okey, and his mom. apparently okey and i are spending a lot of time together this vacation, which i’m not upset about, but it seems to perpetuate (at least in my mind) the fact that i like him in some romantic sense which is so incredibly not true. i think even his mom has caught on to this fallacy; i had to sit next to him in the car...
my main problem with relationships is i can fake like i feel for anyone (so much so that i often fool myself in the process for a short period of time). i don’t know if it’s this incredible need for attention that is unsatisfied within me or if i’m just this desperate to be loved, but the unfortunate is true- i’m good at faking. faking orgasms, faking relationships, faking love. it’s hard for me to know what’s going on, but i know, at least in the past two relationships i haven’t done that, so to go back to that pattern would feel like i’ve regressed into the past. so i hope okey hasn’t gotten this same vibe- he should be smarter than that.
some sort of progress should remain made. and the fireworks were good.
for new year’s day, the fam (such as it is) went down to portsmouth to visit grandma. i felt strongly that i needed to visit her after her appearence to me the night of the eclipse. i felt like we needed to talk seriously about certain issues such as not taking my mother for granted for all that she does as well as giving us some credit for not being the line of the black sheep in the family. i asked for her to believe in us (such that it is at this point) instead of blaming us for the missing family jewelry (it’s common knowledge that terry has them). basically i laid it straight, i was like you don’t see her ass down here at least once a year changing flowers and praying for your continued good health wherever you are (yes, you can have health when you’re dead, i’ve decided). it’s amazing how devoted one can remain (tied in chains rather) to people who don’t appreciate you at all. how sick inside you feel- i was crying just talking about it. i know it kills my mother knowing that she’s destined forever to put flowers on these graves, this family she doesn’t know and this mother who never paid enough attention or allowed her to succeed with happiness. like, she got the responsibility because she was the one grandma knew would come-she had a sense of responsibility. the same is kind of true of me. i know i’m next in line for this particular chore because i have that sense of familial responsibility. it can be quite depressing. to that end, i hope some of the lecture got through to her ears. i also balanced it out with “i miss you”s and “i love you”s because it’s true.
after that we went shopping and then got BBQ...a tradition that’s ridiculously ingrained in our fiberous being (started by grandma). the van was driven the whole way and did beautifully. more proof that it’ll survive the trip to radford. more proof that i should get the car.
i wish i could be more confident in the events that are going on around me. like honestly, i used to be good at having hunches as to whether people were at least lying to me or what not. none of the bullshit anymore. somehow i’ve been reduced to basing my opinions of their opinions on some twisted version of reality that i made up inside my head. can you see my confusion when i have to make some sort of a decision? who do i listen too? who do you trust when you can’t trust yourself?
this particular point comes to a head when considering the current situation with alex (yes HIM again). we had that huge long talk. and then the next day i saw him at work and he was like “hey beautiful” and scared the shit out of me. but that’s about the end of it. now we’re back to not really talking. i realize some of that has to do with the holiday and his other personal issues (divorce court and taxes) but at least make the effort. we’re supposed to go out saturday, but i’m about to back out because i don’t want to hang out with someone who doesn’t even want to talk to me. (but do we know if even that idea has merit? no) another part is i’m not sure what my new role is and how to act it. i don’t know my boundaries (even though i’m the one making them like normal) and i don’t want to cross them out of respect for her. even more disturbing is the constant thought that i’m being replaced (i’m used to having him solely to myself...like i’m the main attraction in his life) and it’s not even in a romantic sense. i’m so confused. talking to him only confuses me more.
moving on to the journal:
anyway, i went to see the fireworks on new year’s eve with my mom, ian, okey, and his mom. apparently okey and i are spending a lot of time together this vacation, which i’m not upset about, but it seems to perpetuate (at least in my mind) the fact that i like him in some romantic sense which is so incredibly not true. i think even his mom has caught on to this fallacy; i had to sit next to him in the car...
my main problem with relationships is i can fake like i feel for anyone (so much so that i often fool myself in the process for a short period of time). i don’t know if it’s this incredible need for attention that is unsatisfied within me or if i’m just this desperate to be loved, but the unfortunate is true- i’m good at faking. faking orgasms, faking relationships, faking love. it’s hard for me to know what’s going on, but i know, at least in the past two relationships i haven’t done that, so to go back to that pattern would feel like i’ve regressed into the past. so i hope okey hasn’t gotten this same vibe- he should be smarter than that.
some sort of progress should remain made. and the fireworks were good.
for new year’s day, the fam (such as it is) went down to portsmouth to visit grandma. i felt strongly that i needed to visit her after her appearence to me the night of the eclipse. i felt like we needed to talk seriously about certain issues such as not taking my mother for granted for all that she does as well as giving us some credit for not being the line of the black sheep in the family. i asked for her to believe in us (such that it is at this point) instead of blaming us for the missing family jewelry (it’s common knowledge that terry has them). basically i laid it straight, i was like you don’t see her ass down here at least once a year changing flowers and praying for your continued good health wherever you are (yes, you can have health when you’re dead, i’ve decided). it’s amazing how devoted one can remain (tied in chains rather) to people who don’t appreciate you at all. how sick inside you feel- i was crying just talking about it. i know it kills my mother knowing that she’s destined forever to put flowers on these graves, this family she doesn’t know and this mother who never paid enough attention or allowed her to succeed with happiness. like, she got the responsibility because she was the one grandma knew would come-she had a sense of responsibility. the same is kind of true of me. i know i’m next in line for this particular chore because i have that sense of familial responsibility. it can be quite depressing. to that end, i hope some of the lecture got through to her ears. i also balanced it out with “i miss you”s and “i love you”s because it’s true.
after that we went shopping and then got BBQ...a tradition that’s ridiculously ingrained in our fiberous being (started by grandma). the van was driven the whole way and did beautifully. more proof that it’ll survive the trip to radford. more proof that i should get the car.